the last few times (when she has been on her period) we haven't done penetrative sex, so it's just hands and her giving me oral. However, I find it difficult to come when she's doing it - I have to 'take over' myself, and then I still find it tough.
I think it may be because I don't like the thought of 'making a mess' - as it's not penetrative sex, there wasn't a condom involved and she wanted me to come on her - I just didn't like the thought of it, although she said it was fine etc.
You're just starting out. You have a lot of hang-ups about sex. This is totally normal, and as time goes by you'll stretch your boundaries and get used to stuff like getting messy. You may even come to love it.
Once you're getting more reliable erections, perhaps you and your gf should agree to do something that stretches your boundaries a bit every time you have sex?
Also, in response to Misc's point, doesn't alcohol impair ability to maintain an erection?
Yes. Please don't start mixing alcohol and sex. Actually, please don't start mixing any drugs and sex. You're much too young to need any chemical support.
And is there a way of 'broaching the subject' with my GF? She knows that she's my first, etc, and we've been honest with everything from the start - I just don't want to make her feel that maybe she doesn't get me off or whatever.
Use this as a chance to show her how honest and open you are with her. Clearly, it's not easy for you to open up about your sexual problems (it isn't for anyone). Tell her that. Tell her it's not easy for you to talk about this, but...and then tell her what you think your issues are, in your words. If you're worried about her taking ownership of your problems, I would suggest two things. 1) Own it yourself. "
I am having trouble." "
I have performance anxiety" "
I need your help so
I can get past this." 2) Be clear that you think she's beautiful, that she turns you on, and that you think this is all due to you being new to the game. Then the message you're delivering is that this is about you getting over being a noob -
not about her not being able to make you cum from a bj.
A couple of other things. This is not a big, huge, life-ending deal. All couples have sexual problems of some kind - you're just learning this early on. You're a good man to tackle it head-on and not just throw blame around. So, be easy on yourself about it, and don't turn it in to a bigger problem than it is. Give yourself at least six months to start seeing improvement. You were a virgin for how long? Comparatively, six months isn't a long time. Also, women (from what I've seen) love it when their men are simultaneously vulnerable and strong. That's the kind of message you send when you say "Listen, I've got stuff to work through, but with you I can work through it. And I
am going to work through it."
And as an after-thought, are you one of those guys who uses super-tight grip when you wank? You might want to ease down on that if you are.