Can't Stay Hard

Discussion in 'The Healthy Penis' started by jonglobe, Jan 1, 2011.

  1. jonglobe

    jonglobe New Member

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    Hi all,

    I am an 18 yo straight guy and just started becoming sexually active. During sex, whether it be oral or penetrative, despite how aroused I'm feeling, I can't stay hard for more than a few minutes. With handjobs, it's slightly longer, but still not long enough. I can make myself hard again, but I feel like I shouldn't have to, it's a delay in sex and I don't know whether it may make my girlfriend think she can't turn me on etc.

    Do you have any suggestions as to why it may be and how I can prevent it?
     
  2. Rikter8

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    There could be many things.

    1. Stress or Anxiety
    2. Lack of attention or interest
    3. Current Medications
    4. Poor Diet
    5. Possible Medical Condition

    Some loss of arousal is normal for men. If your in the act and you loose your erection, you may want to get checked by a urologist to make sure your body is functioning correctly, and start to determine is it a Physical issue, or a Mental issue.

    Welcome aboard, and hope to see some photos etc.
    Mabee post a video of your erection, and how fast it subsides.
     
  3. jonglobe

    jonglobe New Member

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    I don't lose my erection when masturbating - it seems I go soft almost as fast with oral/penetrative sex than if I just leave it.

    I don't think it's lack of attention/interest, as I find my GF very attractive, sexy etc and I enjoy pleasuring her.

    It could be anxiety as she's my first sexual partner - is there a way to combat this?
     
  4. Rikter8

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    Yep. Relax.
    Thats why they invented Foreplay. Get to know your partner. Enjoy the touch. Build some trust.

    Try massage. Massage her body all over, and ask her to do the same for you. It will help you relax, heat up, and enjoy it.

    Anytime I'm with a partner, I offer a body massage. It helps me relax, they build a trust in knowing that I'm not going to hurt them, and it kindles more intimate touching. Especially around the butt, neck, and groin regions.

    Oh, and make sure you wear a condom.
     
    #4 Rikter8, Jan 1, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2011
  5. jonglobe

    jonglobe New Member

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    Thank you Rikter, that's really helpful :) you mentioned poor diet - what did you mean by this? Obviously I want to try and eliminate anything that would cause a problem.
     
  6. basque9

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    In an older guy like myself, the problem you describe is often one of aging blood vessel inability to contract and expand on cue to ensure enough blood for a sustained erection. For many senior men, the solution prescribed by physicians is Viagra or a similar product. I'm sure that your doctor can give you some sound advice appropriate to your age and health.
     
  7. Rikter8

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    I would say anything that constricts blood vessels. Fatty foods, junk foods, pop, candy - the general bad food list.
    Honestly, you just need to relax and enjoy the experience. Just have fun. Don't worry about being this super lover. That comes with time.

    I would not use E.D. drugs at your age unless specifically instructed by your doctor. The best bet is to talk to your doctor or have him refer you to a urologist. Let the doc or Uro tell you what you need to do.
    If you can keep it up by using manual masturbation, I would say that you do not need an ED drug.

    ED drugs are for folks that have chronic issues such as severe depression, anxiety, physical issues, or are on medications that hinder erections - not just for older guys. The problem is that it's used far too much as a recreational drug just for having "Better" sex. Never mind the fact that it could kill you if not prescribed/taken correctly.
     
    #7 Rikter8, Jan 1, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2011
  8. rbkwp

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    It could be anxiety as she's my first sexual partner - is there a way to combat this?

    Can i suggest not to be trying to hard to perform>
    it will all come naturally, if you can learn to be relaxed and comfortable with her.
    This being your first lady
    BEST of luck
    enz
    agree totaly with Rikter btw, especially maybe diet, overall it may be a little anxiety tho.
     
  9. cvcgolf

    cvcgolf Active Member

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    A lot of you young guys beat off to much. Try just getting off a few times a week. That means like 2 times. Not every damn day..
     
  10. flynn

    flynn Active Member

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    I think it's simply a case where you have a new partner. Especially if she is the first. When I am with a new partner it is a little awkward at first but once I get to know her better and we have had sex a number of times it really becomes comfortable and easy to maintain an erection. Men have to have a physical change in their body to go from soft to hard. If we are not focused it might not happen. A woman just has to spread her legs.
     
  11. manormonster

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    @jonglobe, great thread, was literally about to post the exact same questions; i'm in the same boat.

    @rikter, thank you, that sounds really helpful
     
  12. erratic

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    rikter's advice is spot on. You're new to sex, and there's a lot of expectation and social baggage piled up around that. If it makes you feel any better, I've heard this issue many times from many different guys. You're totally normal.

    It's easy to tell you to relax, but doing that is hard; rikter's suggestion that you use a lot of foreplay is a great one. I would suggest you try not to fight your dick. If it goes soft, so be it. Make out, eat her out, explore each other's bodies. But just as you can't will your stomach to stop growling, you can't will your dick to rise. Fighting what you can't change will only increase your frustration and anxiety - and keep your dick soft. So don't worry about your dick for a bit. An erection is not a prerequisite for horniness (your brain does that for you) so go ahead and make your girlfriend come without your dick, build up some confidence and experience, and I bet you your dick will start perking up.

    Other random points:

    Since you don't lose your erection while masturbating this is probably not a medical thing. I'm not a doctor, but that's pretty simple math (and, like I said, it's not at all uncommon for guys in your position).

    Eating well and exercise will, of course, improve your ability to fuck (with the caveat that it takes experience to improve your skill). You'll also look better, smell better, and taste better, which (as I'm sure you're learning) are important when you're fucking.

    Dicks are known to go soft when their owners are not really in to the person they're fooling around with. I'm not saying this is you, but it's something to consider. Are you really attracted to her? Since you didn't mention it already, you probably are. I bring up the point in the off chance that you're having sex with someone who is available, rather than someone you're head-over-heels for. (Which is not to blame you or her - these things happen, and more often than you might think.)

    Anyway, good luck!
     
  13. FuzzyKen

    FuzzyKen New Member

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    This is simple performance anxiety.

    Though some would disagree this is where the pills actually work best. Cialis and Viagra are really not all that effective with actual erectile dysfunction unless it is quite mild.

    The main thing here is that you are nervous and as a result as has been said by others a whole bunch of fears get into your head. These fears screw with things that both trigger and maintain erection.

    You probably would not need more than a total of 3-5 pills and your anxiety would pass. What tends to happen is that when the whole thing works great the anxiety goes away as does the need for the pills.

    What is kind of sad is that there are two times erectile dysfunction hits us. It gets us in the beginning when we are new to sex and as we get older because of physiological reasons.

    Good luck, on this one. I also agree with other healthy concepts presented because they will preserve your sexual ability for many decades to come. Unfortunately they are not going to fix the "right now" urgency you are facing. Hence the suggestion on the low end ED medication as a temporary until you've gotten your feet wet. This will help with the initial pressure and get you over that initial hump.
     
  14. dangly

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    Since you can stay hard while masturbating, the problem is quite likely anxiety, and thus entirely in your head. This is a good thing, as it means your plumbing down there is just fine, but it's a daunting thing in that there's no magic pill you can take; rather, you have to learn to be self-aware and analyze what's going on in your mind.

    Here's what I suggest:

    First, look at your approach to sex. When you wank, you're focused on your own pleasure, and it's easy to get lost in the physical and erotic side of things. Sex doesn't work that way at all; each party has to work hard to turn the other on, which is a lot more complicated than just inserting tab A into slot B. Rather than focusing on your dick, focus on her. Get into her head, figure out what really turns her on, get intimately involved in her fantasies, and so on. As she gets more and more turned on, you may very well find yourself getting more and more turned on right along with her.

    Next, figure out what it is you're anxious about. This is different for everyone, and it can be daunting to pick through your own head, especially if you haven't done so before. Finding a therapist you feel comfortable discussing sex with can be a major help in working through the problem, as the therapist can give you a different perspective on things and help you see how to combat your anxiety.

    Finally, don't be afraid to use some sort of depressant (in moderation, of course) to quell your anxiety and inhibitions -- there's a good reason why a lot of people like to get a little drunk and high before having sex ;)

    Good luck!
     
  15. jonglobe

    jonglobe New Member

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    Hi, thanks to everyone for all the advice - I'll admit that the first thing that sprung to mind was performance anxiety, especially as I am not her first sexual partner.

    I will definitely just try and relax more and just generally try and be less 'uptight', but I'll also look into a healthier lifestyle as well, just in case.

    Another aspect of this which I didn't mention earlier was that I also struggle to come; the last few times (when she has been on her period) we haven't done penetrative sex, so it's just hands and her giving me oral. However, I find it difficult to come when she's doing it - I have to 'take over' myself, and then I still find it tough.

    I think it may be because I don't like the thought of 'making a mess' - as it's not penetrative sex, there wasn't a condom involved and she wanted me to come on her - I just didn't like the thought of it, although she said it was fine etc.

    Your help has been great so far, this is a brilliant community :)
     
  16. jonglobe

    jonglobe New Member

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    Also, in response to Misc's point, doesn't alcohol impair ability to maintain an erection?

    And is there a way of 'broaching the subject' with my GF? She knows that she's my first, etc, and we've been honest with everything from the start - I just don't want to make her feel that maybe she doesn't get me off or whatever.
     
    #16 jonglobe, Jan 3, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2011
  17. erratic

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    You're just starting out. You have a lot of hang-ups about sex. This is totally normal, and as time goes by you'll stretch your boundaries and get used to stuff like getting messy. You may even come to love it.

    Once you're getting more reliable erections, perhaps you and your gf should agree to do something that stretches your boundaries a bit every time you have sex?

    Yes. Please don't start mixing alcohol and sex. Actually, please don't start mixing any drugs and sex. You're much too young to need any chemical support.

    Use this as a chance to show her how honest and open you are with her. Clearly, it's not easy for you to open up about your sexual problems (it isn't for anyone). Tell her that. Tell her it's not easy for you to talk about this, but...and then tell her what you think your issues are, in your words. If you're worried about her taking ownership of your problems, I would suggest two things. 1) Own it yourself. "I am having trouble." "I have performance anxiety" "I need your help so I can get past this." 2) Be clear that you think she's beautiful, that she turns you on, and that you think this is all due to you being new to the game. Then the message you're delivering is that this is about you getting over being a noob - not about her not being able to make you cum from a bj.

    A couple of other things. This is not a big, huge, life-ending deal. All couples have sexual problems of some kind - you're just learning this early on. You're a good man to tackle it head-on and not just throw blame around. So, be easy on yourself about it, and don't turn it in to a bigger problem than it is. Give yourself at least six months to start seeing improvement. You were a virgin for how long? Comparatively, six months isn't a long time. Also, women (from what I've seen) love it when their men are simultaneously vulnerable and strong. That's the kind of message you send when you say "Listen, I've got stuff to work through, but with you I can work through it. And I am going to work through it."

    And as an after-thought, are you one of those guys who uses super-tight grip when you wank? You might want to ease down on that if you are.
     
    #17 erratic, Jan 3, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2011
  18. carter2006

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    OP, you sound like a great guy, dude. You obviously want everything to be just right and you care about your partner. Best advice is to chill out and enjoy the experience. You have some really good advice from the guys in this thread and I hope it all works out for you. No matter what, best of luck to you.
     
  19. jonglobe

    jonglobe New Member

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    Thanks again guys - this group really is brilliant.

    Erratic, what sort of things do you mean when you talk about 'stretching boundaries'?
    And I don't really know how tight my grip is - I am trying to cut down on masturbation though, and when I do it to use the other hand.

    And since I've started this topic, I figure I may as well continue with other questions I have - you guys are all so helpful!

    When it comes down to condoms, I don't find them very comfortable. I guess it's because I'm not circumcised, and so my foreskin kinda gets in the way; I'm not as stupid as to not use one when having sex, but it just isn't a nice sensation and I think that contributes to nerves etc. Should I just practice wearing one while masturbating? I'm from the UK, and we have a scheme where 16-25 yo people can get free condoms (from a range of 12 or so different types/styles), so it's not really a problem getting them.


    Also, for the record, I don't mind not coming every time - I can make my gf come through fingers or oral, which is kinda the main thing on my mind, but it just would be nice - again, as I've said, it's just that I don't want her to think my sexual hangups are down to her.

    Thanks again so much everyone!
     
    #19 jonglobe, Jan 3, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2011
  20. secondbest69

    secondbest69 Well-Known Member

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    well i had a friend his younger brother had a hard time staying up with girls he was all freaked out and thought what if he was gay. he went to a doctor . and the doctor sent him to a doctor he use to work with and he told him if could be a lot of things to make a mans penis stopping from to stay hard at longs times he said more times if has to do with jacking off way to much that the guy get use to the feeling of his hand on his penis. for him to stop 2 to 3 weeks and then try sex with a girl to see if that helps the doctor did blood work on him and didn't find anything wrong with him so he made sure it wasn't his diet before he told him about laying off on the jacking off..... the guy told me it helped his brother and then he had to start learning more on foreplay haha now the guy told me his brother thinks he is a sex god ...... go to a doctor to make very sure its not something that should be checked out. i'm sure its not anything wrong but its better to be safe
     
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