Can't stop thinking about best friend...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by MaxCurious, Jun 27, 2011.

  1. MaxCurious

    MaxCurious Member

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    Yeah, another best friend thread! I haven't really posted here a lot before but I've snooped around.

    So in the last half a year I've become best friends with this guy...and it's amazing because he's the first (straight) guy I've come out to and he accepts me for all my quirks and whatever else. I want to be content being best friends with him but it's getting harder and harder to do that.

    I could probably go on for hours about him but I'll try to keep this brief (for now). Basically if theres a guy that you tell everything to...talk about like masturbation techniques (kind of), work out with, see in boxers / with shirt off constantly...how do you not want more? I don't know what the best course of action is...I just know that right now I'm really frustrated because I want more but don't want to ruin friendship and I know if it goes further it wouldn't go much since he's straight. And yes, he really is COMPLETELY straight just really open. But I think I'm more attracted to him all around than I have been to any other person...ever.

    Would going further and seeing him naked / maybe being jack off buddies (long shot) end this? A lot of the time I'm just fantasizing about him being naked...for some other guys I've wanted to do stuff with my feelings / lust ended after I saw them naked and got off with them...but for him would that maybe work or would it just make me want more?

    My other option is making anything sexual taboo in our relationship...which is kind of the part of our relationship I love the most but I don't know how much longer I can take the kind of sexual tension I feel towards him without doing or saying something stupid...I already awkwardly get hard around him a decent amount (and hide it generally). Any advice?
     
    #1 MaxCurious, Jun 27, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2011
  2. Countryguy63

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    Whether or not it will end the friendship as you know it, will unfortunately, be up to him :frown1:

    He could be cool with it, or completely freak out. People can tell you to go for it, or don't risk it. Unfortunately, there really is no sure fire way of knowing beforehand.

    Good Luck and let us know what you decide, and how it goes :smile:
     
  3. MaxCurious

    MaxCurious Member

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    i dont think anything i say / do will end the friendship...he has known for awhile i think he's super attractive and want to do stuff with him. i've just never been pressing or anything because i know he doesn't like it when i talk to him about liking him / finding him attractive.

    i dont want to ruin the friendship and i feel like i'm being dramatic...but sometimes (more and more) it seems like i either want things to go further or i want to just stop talking about sexual things / stop being so comfortable around each other...even though i really dont want that to happen. i'm torn :\.
     
  4. ackomack

    ackomack Member

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    You know that he doesn't like it. If you proceed, he will be pissed at you and it will affect his friendship with you. This is no different than the trust a straight man betrays when he continues to hit on a platonic female friend who doesn't share his feelings. The uninterested party will pull away and quit being your friend since you're not respecting him/her and continuing to do something they don't like.

    It will be difficult at first but you will get through it and find a guy who is available. Best of luck.
     
  5. wiser_dude

    wiser_dude New Member

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    Since I'm straight, please tell me what either / both male partners get out of being j/o buddies? Is it just watching each other? Does it progress to more? Thanks!
     
  6. ausmaxx

    ausmaxx Member

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    I agree with ackomack, it sounds like there are some topics he doesn't like to dwell on, so it's important to respect that.

    But, can I ask you a question? If he finds a woman and starts seeing her or falls in love with her, how will you feel? I'm assuming he is currently single.

    I guess one more question.... do you love him? Not necessarily intimately, but it sounds like there are very few limits to what you can share, which is the case between very close friends. For gay men, intimacy is a possibility (not always a good one), but it can blur the lines. For him, it sounds as if he shy's away from conversations about how you feel, so this is perhaps your best indication of how he might react if you attempted to proceed.

    On the other hand, since he is openminded, you might be able to talk to him about the challenges of being gay and having a close friend that is straight..... how you must always assess your feelings to ensure the integrity of the friendship. If he understood this extra energy you put in to maintain the friendship he might really appreciate it. If you go down this path, the timing needs to be right, so it might be best to put the whole things out of your mind for the time being, give yourself some head-clearing space. When the time comes, you may actually find you are talking to him in past tense....

    Good luck and persevere.... a good friendship lasts a lifetime.
     
  7. MaxCurious

    MaxCurious Member

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    He doesn't like discussing certain topics but he will if he feels I'm upset...which is funny because he called me tonight and talked to me about this...I was reading your responses while talking. Basically I told him I had started becoming more attracted to him and I was kinda hating myself for it...and he basically said "stop jacking off to me and thinking out me in a sexual way". So that's my new plan, however hard it may be (bleh pun). So yeah...that's hard to do considering....

    Yes I love him. Definitely. He's actually the first guy I've ever really had a crush on...and also kind of the first guy I've become best friends with...so it's complicated cause I love him like a "bro" and also kinda just plain love him...so there's that internal struggle too. IF ONLY HE WERE GAY.

    If he finds a woman and starts seeing her / whatever - HAHA. My best friend for the past like three years has been this one girl...they've now started liking each other and hooking up...woo! So I'm dealing with that too. I'm really more ok with that though cause they're cute together and I'm not really an awkward third wheel cause we're all so tight... I'm kind of jealous just because she gets to do stuff with him physically but I'm dealing with it better than I thought I would...I kind of encourage it at times.

    He doesn't shy away from conversations about how I feel really...he called me tonight asking me basically. I know he doesn't like hearing me say like I think you're hot / like you / want to hook up with you (obviously) but he deals with it pretty well just like "we're best friends and you need to stop feeling this way so stop thinking about me like that" but not in a mean way or anything...

    We're rooming together next year which is another detail I left out...we're both excited but kind of want my feelings / drama to end before we start living together. Cause then we will actually be like getting naked around each other and potentially like jacking off before bed not really together at all but in our respective beds? I don't know the topic was kind of brushed upon once.
     
  8. steveorleans

    steveorleans New Member

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    Max-
    Been there, done that. He is not ok with it, or even comfortable with it - knowing that you are attracted to him. Stop talking about it with him and deal with it. It might not be a problem now, but it will get that way. You are already jealous of his relationship with the girl. Do you really think that is going to change?
    I went through the exact same thing that you are talking about. I'm not saying that the same thing will happen, but just giving you advice based on my experience.
    Good luck man. I don't want you to lose your best friend.
     
  9. MaxCurious

    MaxCurious Member

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    blehhh. i want to say you're wrong but i know you're kind of right...i know me finding him attractive / liking him annoys him but he deals with it very well - it doesn't really change our relationship at all; today we worked out shirtless and made some awkward jokes no big deal. for whatever reason after our convo last night i stopped being upset about this so that's good i guess. i've been trying to stop talking about liking him / finding him attractive for a while now and i've been pretty successful, aside from the joking stuff which i know doesn't bother him. if i ever say something and it does bother him he lets me know, same way i tell him to STFU every time he says something is gay.

    i'm kind of jealous with his relationship with the girl but not really...i'm in constant contact with both of them and have kind of helped their relationship along and i've never made things awkward of been uncomfortable with them making out. i prefer the "yeah ____, get some" approach. haha.

    i'm trying to stop liking him, its just difficult since he's such a great guy and is extremely attractive. but yeah we generally talk about anything that's bothering us and i've told him he needs to tell me before i say / do something to ruin our friendship and he's like "oh no worries i will" so i'm not overly concerned. i'm actually quite fine right now compared to when i posted the first post...i just get random times when i feel super attracted to him and its very difficult not to think about him / want to do something with him strongly to the point where i get upset because i cant. thanks for your advice thus far :)
     
  10. monel

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    you need to find a romantic interest. It'll be good for you and good for your friendship.
     
  11. MaxCurious

    MaxCurious Member

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    yeah we semi-joke about me finding a romantic interest a lot...i'm on the lookout! i definitely think that'll be good but i'm kinda interested in how he'll handle that. while he encourages it he's also pretty homophobic (ha!). i'm pretty masculine and am not a fan of "flamers"...he generally dislikes all gay people except me! so it'll be interesting hearing his reaction when i'm like "yeah i hooked up with ____". i dont think it'll be bad since he encourages it but i know we won't discuss anything like that in detail. ever.
     
  12. steveorleans

    steveorleans New Member

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    Max - being brutally open here...get a life. Stop building a life with this guy in your imagination. Don't say you haven't because it is obvious that you have. He is not interested in you in a romantic way. If he was, he would have fucked you by now. And 'he generally dislikes all gay people except for me'??? WTF is that?? You're going to be roommates next year?? Not gonna happen, Max. The only person that is going to be upset/hurt in this situation is you. And the sad thing is, it will be your own doing.
     
  13. CUBE

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    You need a sassy gay friend..."What?" "What are you doing?" He is straight and likes pussy. You are gay and like cock. Stop going after something that will cause you pain and find a nice guy that can appreciate and love you back. And by love you back, I mean fuck your brains out and love the fact he does it with you. Do this.
     
  14. DV8

    DV8
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    I will say that I've dated one of my best friends, and it was a good relationship... until he turned out to be a crazy drug addict.

    And I have another best friend I wanted those things with, and realized after 2 years that it just wouldn't work. Only you truly know the dynamic between you both, so only you can make the judgement call.
     
  15. MaxCurious

    MaxCurious Member

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    hooooooooly shit this thread took a turn for the worse. define building a life with him in my imagination? we're best friends and hang out daily...no imagination in that? i know he's not interested in me in a romantic way that's pretty damn obvious and i accept that...it's great just to have a good guy friend i'm just sometimes left wanting more.

    yeah he's kind of homophobic and doesn't like gay people...a lot of people don't. he doesnt care with me because we were good friends before i told him and he said knowing isn't going to change how he looks at me or feels about me (FRIENDS). we ARE rooming next year seeing as we've talked about it for over half a year and have already committed to it at this point.

    i don't really see myself getting overly upset / hurt since i'm going into this knowing he's completely straight. the first post was basically me being horny and desperate i'm normally quite fine with the way things are. i also realize that if things take a turn for the worse it will be my own doing which is why i'm not letting them. we're very open when we do something the other person doesnt like / agree with but are generally very agreeable people. i dont think any situation will become too bad that it ruins our friendship before we have time to talk about it and solve the problem.
     
  16. Florida Boy

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    It appears as though the two of you have discussed most of the major issues. That is probably a good thing. I also believe part of his attraction for you is how you feel about him. He feeds on it.
     
  17. coachreffn

    coachreffn Active Member

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    Great advice but I would also add that this friend will also be upset/hurt in this situation. The OP will not be the only one. He needs to think of the friendship and not this romantic fantasy. It is possible for gay and straight men to be friends but not in this scenario. I feel sorry for your friend if you persist.
     
  18. bryan257

    bryan257 Well-Known Member

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    max, I think if I were in your situation, I would try to unwrap myself from any sexual interests in this friend. Obviously, your friend is a keeper. I would want to have him around as a friend and confidant forever and ever. He has no sexual interest in you, but sounds like an excellent friend. pursue other guys for sexual interest and romance. this guy sounds way to awesome to lose. can you picture yourself losing him? it would be devastating I'd think. Find a way to unwrap yourself if possible. He's much to valuable to lose as your friend.
     
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