"Can't We Just Be Friends?"

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by earllogjam, Apr 6, 2007.

  1. earllogjam

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    If there is anyone out there that has found a way to just be "friends" with an ex-lover or someone that you've had a deep crush on? I need advice. How do you handle all those pent up sexual feelings when you meet with the ex as friends? How can a relationship which revolved around sex turn into a friendship with no sex?

    I've always found this to be damn near impossible so I usually have clean breaks. Usually I need to no longer feel any sexual attraction to be friends. What has your experience been?
     
  2. DiegoID

    DiegoID New Member

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    I've done it on multiple occasions. Usually it's best to take some time off from each other (About 6 mo.) and then try to start the friendship up again. If your relationship revolved around sex, then it sounds like you never really had a friendship, which is probably why the relationship didn't work out. So are you looking to be friends, or fuck buddies?

    Haven't you ever had a crush on a straight guy, and wanted to remain friends with him? Same thing with your Ex-BF. You can still have that attraction, but you've got to set some boundries.


    One word of Caution though. I had made friends again with my Ex, then I broke up with my (Then) current BF. The two of them started dating, and I of course was very upset with both of them. I am glad that I've not talked to either of them since. Sometimes it is better to just let go.


    So I guess the moral of my story is, don't let your Ex-Boyfriends become friends with your current Boyfriend.
     
  3. earllogjam

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    Can you control your sexual attactions? That probably would be key to keeping old flames as friends. Sex always complicates friendships I have found because for most folks sex and love are the same. You're not to have sex with people you don't love.
     
  4. Freddie53

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    If everyone followed this, we would have less problems. However, I suspect less than half of the Aermican population always only had sex with people they love. At some point in their lives that have not followed that principle. I'm not sure most teens can even understand the difference between true love and purse sexual desire.
     
  5. rob_just_rob

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    I am trying that now. So far it's been working ok... but it's only been a few months.
     
  6. karmen

    karmen New Member

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    I haven't been able to make that leap from sexual partner to friends-only.
    I've known people who have tried but actually not any of them have done so successfully.

    It seems like the only time some type of friendship is possible is when children are involved and that's more of a forced friendship most times.

    I've always felt that if I liked you enough to have a relationship with you, why can't that relationship carry on minus the sexual aspect of the relationship but it seems like someone always wants more than the other party is willing/able to give. I guess sometimes it is just best to move on.

    Good luck to you and I hope you are able to make it work.

    Hugs and Kisses,

    Karmen
     
  7. kutmaster

    kutmaster New Member

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    people r not real anymore and that is why friendships dont work after relationships
     
  8. B_big dirigible

    B_big dirigible New Member

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    It's worked for me. I'm on good terms with most of my ex-gfs.
     
  9. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    ok... scenario 1
    - my best friend of 6 years came out about being gay... two years and a month ago.. and I had wanted him soooo badly, and in the worst sexual way.. he kept saying no, like for years... after he came out... I think I told him once I still felt horrible for wanting him still... anyhow fastforward two years... to my grad night.... we are both high out of our trees... we have sex..... unprotected I might add... no birth control.. nothing.. the next few days he stops calling, and we stop talking, when I do call him after awhile, he starts saying I'm being clingy, and whatnot... we have sex again in november... and we still like hate each other... worst decision I ever made... but yet I still want him... horrible....

    scenario 2...
    - my best girl friends 21 year old cousin.... I talk to him for 3 years online... a year and a half in.. I turn the tables on him, he is single, and I'm playing right up to it... he lives accross canada from me, for 11.5 months of the year... we meet up last summer and fuck like animals.. we talk for a few weeks after... and thats it.. I hear from him once every few months...

    Either it's me, or its just the way it works out, I've lost every friend I've lusted after and fucked....
    I usually just plan impossible schemes in my head about the things I want to do to them....
    I don't think from my experiance that relationships can go back to friendships... unless well i dont even know...
     
  10. naughty

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    It is interesting that the women who have responded did not find themselves able to make the transition but men were. Is this about men's ability to compartmentalize?
     
  11. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Women are more analytical than men, we hold things more sentimentally it seems...
     
  12. karmen

    karmen New Member

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    Naughty:

    Not sure if this is true. Only Think Kink and I have responded so far.
    It seems to me that we are both saying that we wanted the friendship to continue but the men could not or would not continue the friendship without the sexual aspect of the relationship.

    My ex husband said that he didn't want to become friends because "Love hursts too much". Oooookkkkaaaay. We were together for over 7 years but he didn't want to be friends. I've never understood this mentality.

    My ex lover/boyfriend and I were together for over 8 years. I tried to remain friends but still have my own life and allow him to have his own life without interference from me. After all, I wasn't his girlfriend, wife or lover--just a friend.

    Our relationship as a couple has been over for more than 2 years and in that time we've tried to make the transition from couple to friend. It hasn't worked for us. He wants what I cannot give to him (a relationship with me) and I want what he cannot give to me (his friendship).

    Ultimately, I think we've both lost out on something special but sometimes it is time to move on with your life and make the best of circumstances.

    Hugs and Kisses,

    Karmen
     
  13. karmen

    karmen New Member

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    That is a good question. I think it is very hard to control one's sexual attraction.

    Perhaps that's why my exs haven't been able to remain friends with me. They cannot imagine not being in an intimate relationship with me. LOL. Should I feel used because once the sex stops they are out the door. I personally chose not to do so. That particular scenario does nothing for my self-esteem.

    However, when a relationship is over, it's over. Yes, feelings or egos might be dented. Yes, one may feel used. Yes, one might even wonder "what was I thinking!"

    Of course it is easier when you are the one ending the relationship but I've been on both ends of that situation. I've spend many miserable, tearful evenings because I wanted to continue a relationship but the guy did not want to do so. After a while it hurts less and less and eventually you move on with your life.

    I agree. Sex can complicate a friendship.


    Hugs and Kisses,

    Karmen
     
  14. B_big dirigible

    B_big dirigible New Member

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    ? Huh?

    Do you mean self-control? I don't think so, but then what?
     
  15. naughty

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    Well Karmen,

    You are quite right. I can understand if you wanted it to end and they didnt. It is always hard when someone is left disappointed. If one allows it to be I am sure it can be positively paralyzing.
     
  16. earllogjam

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    Karmen,

    Thanks for your heartfelt advice. I am still trying to find a way to remain friends with someone whom I have a deep crush on but I think deep in my head I want to rekindle the sex part of our relationship - not a good premise for friendship. We suggested maybe going for a coffee or taking a walk together but I'm afraid of the awkwardness of the whole situation and both of us feeling like never seeing each other again. I'm just going to have to approach this as a new chapter in our relationship and take some small steps. Fooled around and fell in love. I feel that I'm clinging onto something that is already gone but my heart just won't believe it so I'm going for friendship.
     
  17. ClaireTalon

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    Excuse me, I don't think that staying friends after a breakup is the best thing you can do; I have always preferred a clean cut. Snip, and that was it, after all there has been a reason for you two to part. If you parted with quarrels, I think there's too much resenting and reproaches to stay real friends. And even if you have parted on a better-natured base, that ex-relationship and now friendship will loom over any new you will have, as long as the ex is around.

    I know a woman who has actually managed to stay good friends with her ex-husband after their. She has three kids, 2 of which are his, but her next partner didn't at all like the configuration, so the marriage didn't last long. A few times I have talked to her current partner when I was invited, and a few times he has complained to me that he doesn't like the triangle either. That is just a case study, maybe other men are more tolerant towards predecessors, but I think those are exceptions.

     
  18. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    I don't think so. My ex husband and I are still good friends.
    It wasn't always the case but you have to give it time to heal.{the relationship} Now Bobby, Eddie, and I are very pleasant and civil to one another. I understand that Ed doesn't want to be friends with him,but Bobby and I still go to dinner, and go out to have a cigar,from time to time.
    I have managed to remain friends, with most of the women and men I've been with. I think there has to be a basic friendship, before the lust
    in my humble opinion.
    Cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  19. SassySpy

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    Not for me thus far. If it was good, I never stop wanting to fuck him if I see him. Unless Im fucking someone better. Again, not thus far. Its very difficult too, if it is he who is giving me the occasional puppy dog eyes that make me want to rip his jeans off with my teeth:tongue:
     
  20. EddieAztek

    EddieAztek New Member

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    Hard to do this, when you want to do them every time she comes in the room. No I don't want to be your friend, just want to keep fucking you.

    Love, Eddie :smile:
     
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