voyeuristic
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Not all of them, Idris - I can do casual sex with some people just fine. 19 year old boys, for instance.
Celibacy in marriage
- Thread starter Hand_Solo
- Start date
D_Petherick_Poundlouder
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Oh man...I'm going to have get new boxers, new pants waiting for that flight home.
I've been married just over four years, and while we've never been that infrequent, we have size issues as well, and just have never really had great sex.
I dunno, I cheated on my wife for the first time a few months ago, it was fabulous, I was glowing for a week - the president of my company noticed, was this far from telling him. Anyways, our situation is different of course, everyone is different, but following the usual track is not always the answer.
Being married is about being happy, and being together.
You have to know who you are, and be happy with it before you can make a marriage work.
I dunno no advice I suppose, just support
I dunno, I cheated on my wife for the first time a few months ago, it was fabulous, I was glowing for a week - the president of my company noticed, was this far from telling him. Anyways, our situation is different of course, everyone is different, but following the usual track is not always the answer.
Being married is about being happy, and being together.
You have to know who you are, and be happy with it before you can make a marriage work.
I dunno no advice I suppose, just support
Smartalk
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Gee real sorry to hear of your plite, certainly can't be easy for you. Knowing that you love her, but still have your natural manly urges that need to be dealt with. By all means blow off as much as you want on this site, we're all hear to support each other, a problem shared is a problem halved. Also, by belonging to a site like this and sharing your problems, you realise your not on your own, others are going through similar things to yourself.
Hope things resolve themselves for you soon, one way or another.Alway happy to chat on MSN if you need support
Regards
Smartalk
Hope things resolve themselves for you soon, one way or another.Alway happy to chat on MSN if you need support
Regards
Smartalk
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I agree with a lot of other posters; you really ought to find some solution.
Sexual repression, voluntary or otherwise, is not healthy for the human psyche. Studies have shown that it improves physical and psychological health to have sex once or more per week (any less and the hormone fluctuations drastically diminish the benefits).
That's probably not very comforting, but the thing is, it goes beyond mere preference. You're talking about your physical and psychological health. You have needs... they're not wants, they're needs. Yeah, you can go without certain needs, but you'll suffer negative consequences for it.
You probably need to talk to your wife about addressing this issue. Marriage is more than just two people living together, or two people loving each other. A commitment to only have sex with that person is also a commitment, to some degree, to Actually have sex with that person (barring special situations).
It's not fair to say, "You can't have sex with anyone else, but you can't have sex with me either, and because you love me, I insist that you suffer all negative effects of this situation."
If she's physically able to accommodate you, find out why she won't. Communication is imperative in any relationship.
If she refuses to accommodate you, maybe try finding out if an open relationship, or perhaps simply a chosen mistress on the side would help. When I had my IUD, my libido dropped to the pits; I found it a relief to find a woman to help take the strain off my shoulders; I felt guilty for failing to meet his needs.
If she feels guilty about your needs not being met, then she may be willing to find some way to rectify the situation. If she doesn't feel bad about failing to meet your needs, then you probably have other relationship issues.
Just a thought. I'm no psychologist, though I'm versed in it reasonably. Probably your best bet is to actually see a relationship therapist. The fact that you mentioned she's on meds, hates her body, and is not open to communication suggests that there's more here than simply a lack of sex.
I wish you the best.
Sexual repression, voluntary or otherwise, is not healthy for the human psyche. Studies have shown that it improves physical and psychological health to have sex once or more per week (any less and the hormone fluctuations drastically diminish the benefits).
That's probably not very comforting, but the thing is, it goes beyond mere preference. You're talking about your physical and psychological health. You have needs... they're not wants, they're needs. Yeah, you can go without certain needs, but you'll suffer negative consequences for it.
You probably need to talk to your wife about addressing this issue. Marriage is more than just two people living together, or two people loving each other. A commitment to only have sex with that person is also a commitment, to some degree, to Actually have sex with that person (barring special situations).
It's not fair to say, "You can't have sex with anyone else, but you can't have sex with me either, and because you love me, I insist that you suffer all negative effects of this situation."
If she's physically able to accommodate you, find out why she won't. Communication is imperative in any relationship.
If she refuses to accommodate you, maybe try finding out if an open relationship, or perhaps simply a chosen mistress on the side would help. When I had my IUD, my libido dropped to the pits; I found it a relief to find a woman to help take the strain off my shoulders; I felt guilty for failing to meet his needs.
If she feels guilty about your needs not being met, then she may be willing to find some way to rectify the situation. If she doesn't feel bad about failing to meet your needs, then you probably have other relationship issues.
Just a thought. I'm no psychologist, though I'm versed in it reasonably. Probably your best bet is to actually see a relationship therapist. The fact that you mentioned she's on meds, hates her body, and is not open to communication suggests that there's more here than simply a lack of sex.
I wish you the best.
Peter Wood
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I’ve had periods in my life that sex was not possible for medical reasons. We always knew that things would change and my wife did any thing to help me. She very well knew that the urges of men and women are different. So she never stopped giving me hand- or blowjobs. Eating pussy or penetration was not possible. It was not easy for both of us, but we agreed that later normal sex would be possible again. Which happily was!
In private chats I‘ve heard many times that women refuse sex after a certain amount of years; mostly after the children were born and the family completed. From a view of reproduction I can understand that. But sex is part of being together, loving each other etc. It’s the best way of expressing our feelings.
So if you are in a marriage where that important part no longer exists (and there is no chance it will change for the better) you have to consider very well if loving your wife is enough. I dare to say that a wife, who refuses her husband to have sex with her, doesn’t love him enough. How can you give your husband a hand job while you go on watching television?
If such a wife has a mental problem (not happy with her body or otherwise) she should realise that she punishes her husband while he is not the one who causes the problem.
Hand Solo, KansasCityHung, voyeuristic and Enkiduo I wish you a lot of wisdom and all the best.
In private chats I‘ve heard many times that women refuse sex after a certain amount of years; mostly after the children were born and the family completed. From a view of reproduction I can understand that. But sex is part of being together, loving each other etc. It’s the best way of expressing our feelings.
So if you are in a marriage where that important part no longer exists (and there is no chance it will change for the better) you have to consider very well if loving your wife is enough. I dare to say that a wife, who refuses her husband to have sex with her, doesn’t love him enough. How can you give your husband a hand job while you go on watching television?
If such a wife has a mental problem (not happy with her body or otherwise) she should realise that she punishes her husband while he is not the one who causes the problem.
Hand Solo, KansasCityHung, voyeuristic and Enkiduo I wish you a lot of wisdom and all the best.
I suggest mASF Discussion Forum on Fast Seduction 101
and read the "relationships" board.
You need to go through a de-betaisation process because your wife has turned you into a beta male, so she'll never be horney again until you fix that.
a quick guide to it is
1- never be submissive
2- flirt with other women in front of her
3- be emotionally non-reactive if she gives you any shit.
good luck
and read the "relationships" board.
You need to go through a de-betaisation process because your wife has turned you into a beta male, so she'll never be horney again until you fix that.
a quick guide to it is
1- never be submissive
2- flirt with other women in front of her
3- be emotionally non-reactive if she gives you any shit.
good luck
Hand Solo,
I get the impression that you really love her and want to maintain your marriage vows. However, she's not keeping up with her side of the marriage. Therefore, since you've tried and have "broken" your self trying, I think you should try a different perspective. I suggest outside sex. There are many people that can have casual sex which would not threaten your relationship.It's in your head..... You know we grow up with many fairy tales...and then there's reality. Obviously, you're religious,since your marriage vows are so important to you,but I thing God gaveyou a sex drive to enjoy.so I think you should... just be discreet. And, you know, she knows she's not cooking dinner for you ... and she know's you have to eat.
I hope you can work this out so you can feel better.
I get the impression that you really love her and want to maintain your marriage vows. However, she's not keeping up with her side of the marriage. Therefore, since you've tried and have "broken" your self trying, I think you should try a different perspective. I suggest outside sex. There are many people that can have casual sex which would not threaten your relationship.It's in your head..... You know we grow up with many fairy tales...and then there's reality. Obviously, you're religious,since your marriage vows are so important to you,but I thing God gaveyou a sex drive to enjoy.so I think you should... just be discreet. And, you know, she knows she's not cooking dinner for you ... and she know's you have to eat.
I hope you can work this out so you can feel better.
It did to me too.
So I kept myself to myself for 15 years.
It didn't get any better.
I just got more desperate.
I'm now working the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy and feeling much better.
Cure it now. Don't pretend you don't need it or it isn't important.
It might be just sex you're not having now, but in 15 years you'll be strangers, with no intimacy and little communication.
Well....I can give you a worse tale of woe - and my ultimate solution, from the female side:
Married almost 30 years, NO sex for OVER half that time. (Medical issues on his part and refusal to even "consider' any alternatives forms of intimacy for me.) Puritan hangups in a marriage can KILL the love if allowed to rule. We had small children when the medical issues arose, and I would have walked on fire every day to give my children a dad and a secure home life.....so I stayed busy, exhausted and frustrated. Finally our children all went off to college and there was time for "US." Except - by that time there was no US anymore....(love dies if not nourished.)
I too took (notice the past tense of that verb) my vows as if written in stone...and got to the point of looking at business end of a gun - NOT a good place to be EVER for ANYONE.
I finally realized I was human and if it costs me my soul (AND my marriage) to be fully human, so be it. I don't think God intended for fully functioning females to sit around wet and frustrated for a quarter of their life. (Yes, guys, some women LIKE SEX!!!)
So, I told him what had been "our" problem was now MY problem, and I would take care of MY NEEDS with OR WITHOUT his permission. If he didn't like it - the door was that-a-way. His ignoring of me, as a woman, and absolute refusal to ever address the issue had ultimately killed all the love I ever had for him...and that love was deep and strong and would have been there forever, IF ONLY he had been accepting of a toy, or even simply oral OR ANYTHING...but nooooooo - somehow he was raised with the belief that 'GOOD women don't have NEEDS.....' (WTFIUWT???)
EVEN when faced with that type of "I'm gonna go get laid, you worthless excuse of a husband" ultimatum, he still cannot even look at a dildo, vibrator, etc. etc. - so....I took care of my needs. And it was NOT with a piece of plastic.
I suggest, Hand Solo, that you realize that all YOUR love for HER, may never change the situation, and trust me, when your love for her is gone, you will wonder why you let her steal years from your life, because that is what is happening right now.
I understand your commitment, but you need to understand that each day you go 'without' is one day less of your love growing...and if it is not growing it is dying, slowly but surely, little by little. And when it is dead....there is absolutely NO reviving it...at least for me.
So, now I live with the knowledge that I am human, I have needs, and I can get those needs met.
My advice to "Hand Solo" is: Love dies if it is not growing.....and neglect will KILL all the Love in the world...so decide what you can live with and what you cannot accept, and understand that your thoughts and beliefs may change, over time, as love is dying and frustrations are growing....
(Flame away - if I can take 16 years of rejection from the man I loved with all my heart, I can take some heat for being a cheating wife...from a bunch of strangers...)
Married almost 30 years, NO sex for OVER half that time. (Medical issues on his part and refusal to even "consider' any alternatives forms of intimacy for me.) Puritan hangups in a marriage can KILL the love if allowed to rule. We had small children when the medical issues arose, and I would have walked on fire every day to give my children a dad and a secure home life.....so I stayed busy, exhausted and frustrated. Finally our children all went off to college and there was time for "US." Except - by that time there was no US anymore....(love dies if not nourished.)
I too took (notice the past tense of that verb) my vows as if written in stone...and got to the point of looking at business end of a gun - NOT a good place to be EVER for ANYONE.
I finally realized I was human and if it costs me my soul (AND my marriage) to be fully human, so be it. I don't think God intended for fully functioning females to sit around wet and frustrated for a quarter of their life. (Yes, guys, some women LIKE SEX!!!)
So, I told him what had been "our" problem was now MY problem, and I would take care of MY NEEDS with OR WITHOUT his permission. If he didn't like it - the door was that-a-way. His ignoring of me, as a woman, and absolute refusal to ever address the issue had ultimately killed all the love I ever had for him...and that love was deep and strong and would have been there forever, IF ONLY he had been accepting of a toy, or even simply oral OR ANYTHING...but nooooooo - somehow he was raised with the belief that 'GOOD women don't have NEEDS.....' (WTFIUWT???)
EVEN when faced with that type of "I'm gonna go get laid, you worthless excuse of a husband" ultimatum, he still cannot even look at a dildo, vibrator, etc. etc. - so....I took care of my needs. And it was NOT with a piece of plastic.
I suggest, Hand Solo, that you realize that all YOUR love for HER, may never change the situation, and trust me, when your love for her is gone, you will wonder why you let her steal years from your life, because that is what is happening right now.
I understand your commitment, but you need to understand that each day you go 'without' is one day less of your love growing...and if it is not growing it is dying, slowly but surely, little by little. And when it is dead....there is absolutely NO reviving it...at least for me.
So, now I live with the knowledge that I am human, I have needs, and I can get those needs met.
My advice to "Hand Solo" is: Love dies if it is not growing.....and neglect will KILL all the Love in the world...so decide what you can live with and what you cannot accept, and understand that your thoughts and beliefs may change, over time, as love is dying and frustrations are growing....
(Flame away - if I can take 16 years of rejection from the man I loved with all my heart, I can take some heat for being a cheating wife...from a bunch of strangers...)
CaliforniaGirl
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I have had many men confide their sexless marriages to me, and I have read about many more on the Internet. This is a common thing, and I believe it relates to couples who had friendship-type love, but not sexual passion as some of us know sexual passion. As far as lack of libido goes, one doesn't need to feel horny to have sex. I had a low-level illness in my system that killed my sex drive, but it didn't stop me. I continued to share with my wife because (a) despite my lack of drive, sex was enjoyable and pleasurable; and (b) I loved my wife and she deserved it. So if any woman throws up the lack of sex drive excuse, unless they were really and seriously unwell, they couldn't possibly have as low a sex drive as I did for those several years.
In short, she doesn't love you anymore. Even if you love her to a degree, you should think of things from her perspective. She doesn't love you anymore.
In short, she doesn't love you anymore. Even if you love her to a degree, you should think of things from her perspective. She doesn't love you anymore.
MarkLondon
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It can happen in gay relationships, too. And it's not a good place to be. I ended a three-year relationship after a year without lovemaking. I'd been faithful, but companionship was not enough. I have friends for that.
There wasn't shared property or children to complicate matters, thank goodness. But my sexual and physical confidence was wounded and I spent a while celibate, rebuilding my confidence before going out and "re-gaying" myself.
Did you leave your marriage, Cougarprr? I don't think you'll be flamed for being a "cheating wife" here, we're a support group, after all.
There wasn't shared property or children to complicate matters, thank goodness. But my sexual and physical confidence was wounded and I spent a while celibate, rebuilding my confidence before going out and "re-gaying" myself.
Did you leave your marriage, Cougarprr? I don't think you'll be flamed for being a "cheating wife" here, we're a support group, after all.
From a psychological standpoint, Dickjohnson's advice is the best on the board. It sounds a bit heartless at first, but the reasons for doing it are numerous, and by instilling jealously in her, she will reclaim you, or tell you to go to hell, thus freeing you to a better life. In order to rekindle love, the WHOLE shootin' match has to be stirred up. You stir it up this BIG, and you will get a BIG reaction. The reaction you're hoping for is a wake up call from your wife, who has become complacent and unappreciative of you.
You are caught in the need to be "safe" and to honor your "obligations." What about her "obligations" to you? It doesn't seem she's honoring them very well, does it.
Aside from libido issues, health, depression, etc. (all of which are reasonable, but these are not TERMINAL) she still has the capacity to honor her love for you, by showing it sexually. If she simply can't, then it may be time for her to find a more suitable companion who doesn't care about sex, and for you to find one that does.
Don't be a victim in this. That only reinforces your Beta Male status. All the power and answers you need are WITHIN YOU.
Nope, my dear, you rock. No, that would be ROCK!
You're honest, have insight, smart, and you have a lot of wisdom. Good for you for moving on. I understand all the religious zealot stuff myself. I've been married and divorced twice, and I'm happy.
I for one agree with you. You did everything you could to keep the marriage alive and it was your hubby who killed it. Murdered it, actually. Good for you for walking and getting a life. No victim stuff for you.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. Seems it's too late to change anything with the relationship.
That bit about the handjob because she couldn't be bothered to stop watching TV, that actually pissed me off.
What keeps you from leaving her?
Good luck.
midlifebear
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The female side of my best married friends in the USA one day divulged that she didn't have any sex drive nor had she any drive since having her entire uterus and both ovaries -- including plumbing -- removed about 15 years ago. Once she had recovered enough to once again make love with her husband she found she had no sex drive although she had the memory of having a sex drive and being rather good at it.
The male side of my best married friends is a devout Catholic and even though brothels are easily accessible, he has never enlisted the services of a professional. He has, upon occasion, found friendship (no sex) with another woman from time to time, but never gone further than "friendship."
I talked my USA physician, who knows both of my friends and asked if there was anything that could be done for them. He never had a clue that we were discussing mutual friends. He suggested a somewhat risky treatment for the woman based upon an array of hormone replacement therapies, not just estrogen or progesterone. I mentioned this to my female friend along with lengthy disclosures about how patient The Squeeze had been with me for more than a year as I recovered from prostate cancer. My disclosures included such intimate details of how he still liked to play with my naughty bits, even though I couldn't get it up at the time, our deep affection for holding and snuggling one another at night, plus a daily nap every day about 2:00 PM, and a few atrociously filthy and salacious accounts of making him happy while I had no desire to have sex.
She consulted several docs, beginning with her OBGYN and found a guy in Reno who specializes in helping women and men getting their libidos back on track. It's important to note that my friends are a typical married couple who are both stubborn as mules, enjoy arguing, and like one another very much. Last time I visited their home I noticed there were two refrigerators: one for food and a second one to keep a huge pharmacy of injectable hormones, hormonal creams, and various other medications for the wife and the rest of the space was filled with beer for the husband.
It's been about a year now and my female friend confides in regular e-mails that she's back in the saddle again. Her main problem is finding the right lubricant that doesn't irritate her vagina. There's a vaginal lube called Silk, or something like that which seems to work, but apparantly it costs a bundle for a week's supply of what she now refers to "wahoo juice." Her husband almost complains that she's now hypersexual and he's having a hard time keeping up with her. But the dangers of the hormonal replacement therapy might not outweigh the benefits. She's at a substantial greater risk for breast cancer and potential heart disease. But she doesn't seem to care. And they are back to enjoying their favorite position: sixty-nine.
I don't know if your wife is amenable to checking out if she's a candidate for this sort of treatment. I shudder to think what the consequences might be if she is agreeable to trying it and then develops a life-threatening condition. But my friends in Nevada are certainly enjoying life like newlyweds and they're both 54 years-old.
I'm certainly no expert on them there wimmin things. Just something you might consider.
Good luck.
The male side of my best married friends is a devout Catholic and even though brothels are easily accessible, he has never enlisted the services of a professional. He has, upon occasion, found friendship (no sex) with another woman from time to time, but never gone further than "friendship."
I talked my USA physician, who knows both of my friends and asked if there was anything that could be done for them. He never had a clue that we were discussing mutual friends. He suggested a somewhat risky treatment for the woman based upon an array of hormone replacement therapies, not just estrogen or progesterone. I mentioned this to my female friend along with lengthy disclosures about how patient The Squeeze had been with me for more than a year as I recovered from prostate cancer. My disclosures included such intimate details of how he still liked to play with my naughty bits, even though I couldn't get it up at the time, our deep affection for holding and snuggling one another at night, plus a daily nap every day about 2:00 PM, and a few atrociously filthy and salacious accounts of making him happy while I had no desire to have sex.
She consulted several docs, beginning with her OBGYN and found a guy in Reno who specializes in helping women and men getting their libidos back on track. It's important to note that my friends are a typical married couple who are both stubborn as mules, enjoy arguing, and like one another very much. Last time I visited their home I noticed there were two refrigerators: one for food and a second one to keep a huge pharmacy of injectable hormones, hormonal creams, and various other medications for the wife and the rest of the space was filled with beer for the husband.
It's been about a year now and my female friend confides in regular e-mails that she's back in the saddle again. Her main problem is finding the right lubricant that doesn't irritate her vagina. There's a vaginal lube called Silk, or something like that which seems to work, but apparantly it costs a bundle for a week's supply of what she now refers to "wahoo juice." Her husband almost complains that she's now hypersexual and he's having a hard time keeping up with her. But the dangers of the hormonal replacement therapy might not outweigh the benefits. She's at a substantial greater risk for breast cancer and potential heart disease. But she doesn't seem to care. And they are back to enjoying their favorite position: sixty-nine.
I don't know if your wife is amenable to checking out if she's a candidate for this sort of treatment. I shudder to think what the consequences might be if she is agreeable to trying it and then develops a life-threatening condition. But my friends in Nevada are certainly enjoying life like newlyweds and they're both 54 years-old.
I'm certainly no expert on them there wimmin things. Just something you might consider.
Good luck.
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