I know what you mean, hand solo. With our first kid, my wife didn't want anything to do with my dick starting the second month of her pregnancy for a year after. She's in her 4th month with our second now and it has been 1 month so far without sex. AHHHHHHHHH!!! She did tell me to go out and buy a fleshlight though. I need to get going on that.
Celibacy in marriage
- Thread starter Hand_Solo
- Start date
I can only reiterate my personal experience that one doesn't need to feel horny to have sex with the person one loves. An interesting observation from recent psychological research in Australia. The majority of women found their desire for sex declined after three or four years of a relationship, and kept declining. Sexual frequency declined with this decline in desire.
The exception was women who are married to men who are better educated and who have well-paid jobs. In these relationships, sexual desire and sexual frequency remained more constant. It was hypothesised that women in these relationships were subconciously trading sex to keep their husbands interested, and to keep other women away from a man they regard as being a good catch.
This seems to get back to the alpha male recommendations made above.
The exception was women who are married to men who are better educated and who have well-paid jobs. In these relationships, sexual desire and sexual frequency remained more constant. It was hypothesised that women in these relationships were subconciously trading sex to keep their husbands interested, and to keep other women away from a man they regard as being a good catch.
This seems to get back to the alpha male recommendations made above.
Principessa
Expert Member
It is entirely possible to have compatible sex drives when you marry but over time people, desires, and needs change.
#1 - Don't tell us, tell her!!
#2 - Sounds like you need a marriage therapist
#3 - Has she had a complete physical lately?
#4 - Has she had her thyroid checked recently?
#5 - Is she peri-menopausal?
#6 - How many children do you have and how old are they? The only thing more exhausting than running around after toddlers is chauffering teens and pre-teens around town and dealing with their hormonal attitudes. :12:
#7 - What if anything do you do to help around the home?
#8 - Have you gotten fat?
Lastly, and this is just a matter, of semantics; but technically you are not celibate as you are married. This unfortunate sexual drought is just that, an unfortunate sexual drought. Or perhaps as wikipedia calls it an involuntary celibacy.
Celibacy refers to being unmarried or abstaining from sexual intercourse (i.e., chastity). A vow of celibacy is a promise not to enter into marriage or engage in sexual intercourse. The term involuntary celibacy has recently appeared to describe a chronic, unwilling state of celibacy.
Thank you K8, and no- MarkLondon..I have not left him, but I have carved out much SPACE and TIME away from him, making friends and doing things that keep me sane. (For example: I put 6,000 miles on a motorcycle last summer from May to September - just me and the road and my i-pod! Some would say I run away from our problems, but I just find ways to make things work for me.)
Sanfrangirl- knowing the danger is half the battle - love needs to be nurtured.
And Silver Soldier - I am not a victim. I have deliberately chosen to stay in the marriage - we have children and grand-children, we have a shared life history. We have extensive assets in many places and on many, many levels. We are in the top 2% of earners in the US - so money is not the issue at all, honor, gratitude, respect and love for our family keep me with him. Commitment is a word I take seriously, even after cheating on him. "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health," were not said lightly.
What would be accomplished by divorcing him?
What would be accomplished by even leaving him? Assigning him to loneliness and sadness forever? (Trust me - he will never get another woman to share his bed EVER.)
Why do that to him? He is a good man, who has made poor choices regarding his health and our intimacy. He is a good dad and grand-dad. He provides well for me and for our family. He also gives me SPACE - with no questions asked. So, why divorce?
Would I be happier? Perhaps, but why destroy everything we have? I've looked at the pros and the cons and have come to believe I can continue in this marriage of convenience. (Which it is for BOTH of us, - he NEEDS me, even if not for physical intimacy, emotionally, he needs me.)
I still love him, but I don't desire him anymore. Thankfully, I've gotten past the guilt and sadness over that.
I just wanted the OP to understand that a love that is ignored and neglected is like a flower or a plant ---if it is not growing - it is dying.
I understand the OP's agony, frustration and perhaps even sadness.
I just wanted him to understand that HIS love ALONE cannot save "their" love from dying if she continues to ignore his needs.
Hugs to you, Hand Solo. You are between a rock and a 'hard' place...hugs.
Sanfrangirl- knowing the danger is half the battle - love needs to be nurtured.
And Silver Soldier - I am not a victim. I have deliberately chosen to stay in the marriage - we have children and grand-children, we have a shared life history. We have extensive assets in many places and on many, many levels. We are in the top 2% of earners in the US - so money is not the issue at all, honor, gratitude, respect and love for our family keep me with him. Commitment is a word I take seriously, even after cheating on him. "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health," were not said lightly.
What would be accomplished by divorcing him?
What would be accomplished by even leaving him? Assigning him to loneliness and sadness forever? (Trust me - he will never get another woman to share his bed EVER.)
Why do that to him? He is a good man, who has made poor choices regarding his health and our intimacy. He is a good dad and grand-dad. He provides well for me and for our family. He also gives me SPACE - with no questions asked. So, why divorce?
Would I be happier? Perhaps, but why destroy everything we have? I've looked at the pros and the cons and have come to believe I can continue in this marriage of convenience. (Which it is for BOTH of us, - he NEEDS me, even if not for physical intimacy, emotionally, he needs me.)
I still love him, but I don't desire him anymore. Thankfully, I've gotten past the guilt and sadness over that.
I just wanted the OP to understand that a love that is ignored and neglected is like a flower or a plant ---if it is not growing - it is dying.
I understand the OP's agony, frustration and perhaps even sadness.
I just wanted him to understand that HIS love ALONE cannot save "their" love from dying if she continues to ignore his needs.
Hugs to you, Hand Solo. You are between a rock and a 'hard' place...hugs.
herkimer snow
Experimental Member
After many years of rewarding sex, my wife's and my sex life changed a lot. She was diagnosed with depression and went on an anti-depressive medication. Soon she lost interest in sex. I had hypertension and went on medication, and I couldn't keep an erection. Viagra took care of the problem for me, but it also can delay ejaculation. I could stay hard and have sex for hours. She wasn't interested in that, obviously. So things pretty much have faded away. It doesn't help that she is quite overweight. Sometimes, you just have to compromise to stay married. When sex becomes hard work, I don't think it's worth the struggle to change things with various medications, counseling, etc., etc. We're still married, and I have a J-O buddy that helps me out. It may be the best I can expect.
Not_Punny
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We've had some of these discussions before, HS, and it's the same thing a year later.
Sorry to be blunt, but...
A) Possibility #1: your wife is having a very selfish love affair with herself and her depression -- and you're enabling her!!
Don't be a wimp -- do something!!!
-- Openly look at other women when you're out with your wife. Especially if the woman kinda looks like your wife. Make comments about them.
-- Buy a BBW girlie mag (or with women about the same size as your wife) and "accidentally" leave it in the bathroom. Better yet, slip a photo of your wife inside it and leave both in the bathroom.
-- Write a poem about how you feel... and GIVE it to her.
-- Tell her what you REALLY want for Valentines day.
-- Buy the book, How to care and feed a husband, and rip out the chapter that talks about WHY a man needs intimacy with his wife, bind the pages with a ribbon, and give it to her with a bouquet of flowers.
B) Possibility #2: If you can't do any of the above, it's time to pick up the phone and get YOURSELF some counseling, because you must be even more depressed than her.
I have this problem with my husband I am hot an horny was I not getting it when I was single Now I want it at least twice a week. Now that we are married for a while i realize he has a small dick. I also gain 20 pounds his little hammer is no match for me thinking of finding some one with some width and at least 5 inches can some one help gay straight does not matter
It probably DOES matter, I don't think the gay ones will be in a position to help you. If you are touting for dick, there are plenty of other threads on the forum to do it in, but the discussion here is about relationships. I also like how there was no problem with your husband's penis size until you got fat; try getting your arse down the gym.
Back on topic - I'm having a few problems with intimacy in my own marriage, so I can appreciate where HandSolo is coming from. My problem doesn't seem as big just now, and I feel fairly optimistic about working it out. My wife works very long hours and gets very stressed out my her job. Depending on how work is going, she can be horny sometimes, but a lot of the time she just isn't in the mood.
Putting pressure on her for sex just makes here feel like she's letting me down as well as being stressed at work, so at those times I back off, and try to build her back up. When she's horny she is fantastic in bed, playful and loving. She's very sweet and caring even when she is not horny. One thing we have started doing recently is putting some time aside to have a nice evening together, go on a "date" and to have sex. It's working OK so far! She has problems with her body image and thinks she is getting fat (she is actually her ideal weight with a BMI of 20, and used to be slightly underweight), and one of the things that annoys me is that she thinks, because I am always horny for her, that I am just permanently horny and would do it with whoever is there. So I try to show her that I appreciate the other things she does as well.
I agree with HandSolo, that I wouldn't ever cheat on my wife, I love her very much. If I was in a relationship where my wife refused to make any effort to discuss things or meet my needs, then who knows? So, I can sympathise with posters who have tried to discuss things and then have left or found a way to satisfy their needs elsewhere, especially cougarprrr, it sounds like you gave your husband every opportunity to make things work.
voyeuristic
Sexy Member
it doesn't matter to dekie because dekie is a dude...no woman on earth would call a cock a "hammer"
Principessa
Expert Member
K8 is correct, my best friend stood by her asexual hubby for 23 years! In 23 years they have had sexual intercourse maybe 10 times and she always initiated. Not surprisingly she was also the one who insisted they finally go to marriage counseling. The outcome, the therapist told them to divorce. :frown1: When both seemed paralyzed with fear at the thought of that, she signed them up for the NYC Polyamory group. Oddly that seems to be working although she is morally conflicted at 'cheating' within her marriage. Her hubby is happy because he is no longere pressured to have sex with her or anything else. She shares her hopes and dreams with the men she meets in the group. :redface:
I couldn't do it. I'd have kicked his ass to the curb over a dozen years ago but that's just me.
- bguy,
Unfortunately, there seems to be no straightforward solution to the problem of a married couple with mismatched libidos. I certainly cannot offer a solution, but I would like to share my thoughts as someone who was in a celibate marriage (7+ years).
First, I do not recommend cheating, as infidelity has a devastating impact on the betrayed spouse. That being said, it's one thing to have sex with another partner behind your spouse's back. It's quite another to honestly communicate with your spouse that you need sexual fulfillment and you feel inclined to get it from someone else since your spouse isn't providing it.
The question often asked: 'Is it really worth a divorce just due to lack of sex?' Quite often, a husband do not take seriously a wife's complaints. The wife will give up and stop complaining, and the husband will think everything is fine. It isn't until the wife finally gives up and walks out the door that the husband is willing to change. By then it's usually too late.
So an unsatisfied spouse that isn't willing to even bring up the topic of divorce will probably not get what they want because the other knows there is basically no consequence to their continuing neglect.
First, I do not recommend cheating, as infidelity has a devastating impact on the betrayed spouse. That being said, it's one thing to have sex with another partner behind your spouse's back. It's quite another to honestly communicate with your spouse that you need sexual fulfillment and you feel inclined to get it from someone else since your spouse isn't providing it.
The question often asked: 'Is it really worth a divorce just due to lack of sex?' Quite often, a husband do not take seriously a wife's complaints. The wife will give up and stop complaining, and the husband will think everything is fine. It isn't until the wife finally gives up and walks out the door that the husband is willing to change. By then it's usually too late.
So an unsatisfied spouse that isn't willing to even bring up the topic of divorce will probably not get what they want because the other knows there is basically no consequence to their continuing neglect.
In the realms of sex, it would be nice if anyone could try out prospective partners and find out if they matched.
Some folks just aren't interested in sex. I recollect an Underground comic where the shlumpy little guy discovers he doesn't really care for sex, doesn't like it and can do without. It was his awakening, and he no longer had to humiliate himself pretending to be like "the other guys".
But religion is in the way, as is sexual dishonesty ("I don't had any disease"), pressure, stupidity, bad ideas....
My wife knew guy who she describes as being "hung like a rhino" and his prospective wife broke up with him because it was physically impossible. (Or very painful. She was petite; he wasn't anything else.)
I know a couple of women who aren't interest in sex, and seem to be more like Peter Pan than anyone else. Or people committed to vulgarity, and testing out how "dirty" they can be.
I see the better part of this thread is where people are trying to understand themselves foremost, and realising it isn't their fault the partners they choose are not interested.
Continue to understand. It get better.
Some folks just aren't interested in sex. I recollect an Underground comic where the shlumpy little guy discovers he doesn't really care for sex, doesn't like it and can do without. It was his awakening, and he no longer had to humiliate himself pretending to be like "the other guys".
But religion is in the way, as is sexual dishonesty ("I don't had any disease"), pressure, stupidity, bad ideas....
My wife knew guy who she describes as being "hung like a rhino" and his prospective wife broke up with him because it was physically impossible. (Or very painful. She was petite; he wasn't anything else.)
I know a couple of women who aren't interest in sex, and seem to be more like Peter Pan than anyone else. Or people committed to vulgarity, and testing out how "dirty" they can be.
I see the better part of this thread is where people are trying to understand themselves foremost, and realising it isn't their fault the partners they choose are not interested.
Continue to understand. It get better.
Quite some time ago I got involved with a woman who was married, and who said that she hadn't had sex with her husband in about 2 years and was sick of it. We had a brief sexual affair and she talked about leaving him. I talked with her about their problems whenever she wanted and encouraged her to try to talk to him about what the problem might be. She did a few times and it took months but eventually they worked out whatever it was and she and I ended the affair. I didn't ask her for any details so I don't know what his issues were. It certainly wasn't her not being sexually attractive or skillful in bed.
The entire reason for your stress is the lack of communication. She doesn't have to give you sex. But she does have to tell you why. You deserve an honest explanation of the problem. Once you know what the reasons are, you can make decisions based on full understanding instead of you constantly and chronically wondering "why?".
This is just my opinion, but if it were me and I was given no answer, I'd be out of there. The fact that you love your wife doesn't mean you two should be or stay married. You deserve happiness and should be able to enjoy a relationship where both of your needs are adequately met. Hers are, so why shouldn't yours?
The entire reason for your stress is the lack of communication. She doesn't have to give you sex. But she does have to tell you why. You deserve an honest explanation of the problem. Once you know what the reasons are, you can make decisions based on full understanding instead of you constantly and chronically wondering "why?".
This is just my opinion, but if it were me and I was given no answer, I'd be out of there. The fact that you love your wife doesn't mean you two should be or stay married. You deserve happiness and should be able to enjoy a relationship where both of your needs are adequately met. Hers are, so why shouldn't yours?
