Celibacy

[Guinea Pig]

I have gone 3 years without being with anyone.

Not into meaningless sex.

But seems one night stands are the order of the day.

I can have more fun by myself.

Are celibates allowed to wank?

 

[Gillette]

Are celibates allowed to wank?

Wank, rub, stroke, grind.
Celibacy needn't preclude sexual satisfaction. In fact masturbation fits nicely with the reason many choose celibacy.

It's sex with someone you love.

 

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

I have never really been celibate, as in set a personal rule to be without sex. I'm just out of back to back long term relationships, and I find little difference between "in love" sex and any other variety. If I were to become celibate, there would be another reason like needing fully personal time.

It depends what you want sex to mean. I can be happy with it having no meaning other than of itself, an expression of sexuality and sexual need, no more no less.

I agree. I have never considered sex with anyone a "meaningless act". "It is what it is".

 

[Draconis71]

Quick question??? Why do they say "Practice celibacy"...
I've always been REALLY good at it, and never practiced a day in my life....


They say celibacy's a choice...
... when I was younger, it was mine, now, it's not my choice, but the choice of others.


It does have it's points, less aprehension of STD's, etc. If you also avoid the relationships, no heartbreak, just heartache.

 

[Drifterwood]

Power to you.

That doesn't cut it for everyone.

Again though, doesn't it boil down to expectation and need? You can choose and take what you want.

Asexual celibacy - mmmhhh an odd one from my POV

Self gratifying celibacy - I'd probably throw cyber into this sexual condition.

Unconditional sex - an expression of sexuality without an attempt to build a permanent emotional attachment. Why is this meaningless?

Conditional sex - sex as part of a wider deal or emotional undertaking. I don't know why we are welded to thinking that this is the only type of sexual existence that means anything.

 

[dolfette]

If you also avoid the relationships, no heartbreak, just heartache.

oh please!

 

[Gillette]

I'm going to thump you with something.

Again though, doesn't it boil down to expectation and need? You can choose and take what you want.

Asexual celibacy - mmmhhh an odd one from my POV

Self gratifying celibacy - I'd probably throw cyber into this sexual condition.

You say condition like it should be in the DSMIII. It's a choice, not an illness.

Unconditional sex - an expression of sexuality without an attempt to build a permanent emotional attachment. Why is this meaningless?

Conditional sex - sex as part of a wider deal or emotional undertaking. I don't know why we are welded to thinking that this is the only type of sexual existence that means anything.

1. Who is this "we"?

I fully understand that there are different approaches to sexuality. I've even tried the no strings version and didn't find it satisfying, before, during or after. I didn't work for me so I'm not going to continue doing it.
I'm not trying to tell anyone else what standards to set or what opinions to hold.

2. Why is unconditional sex an 'expression' of sexuality (sounds like performance art) but conditional (not fond of that term either) is just sex? Expression of one's sexuality doesn't cease because you've bonded with someone. From my own experience I've found it's only richer. By creating a bond of trust and acceptance some might feel even more free to express themselves. I do.

Using the art angle I'll say the difference for me is the difference between seeing an interesting piece and examining it for awhile versus following the artist over a period of their career and finding more depth and nuance each time.


I'm not sure what you mean by expectation and need. I expect that when I express myself sexually that what I'm expressing is understood rather than merely experienced. I need to feel this is the case to express myself fully.

Not only can I choose and take what I want, I can also decline to take what I don't want. This is what I'm doing.

 

[Drifterwood]

I'm going to thump you with something.


You say condition like it should be in the DSMIII. It's a choice, not an illness.


1. Who is this "we"?

I fully understand that there are different approaches to sexuality. I've even tried the no strings version and didn't find it satisfying, before, during or after. I didn't work for me so I'm not going to continue doing it.
I'm not trying to tell anyone else what standards to set or what opinions to hold.

2. Why is unconditional sex an 'expression' of sexuality (sounds like performance art) but conditional (not fond of that term either) is just sex? Expression of one's sexuality doesn't cease because you've bonded with someone. From my own experience I've found it's only richer. By creating a bond of trust and acceptance some might feel even more free to express themselves. I do.

Using the art angle I'll say the difference for me is the difference between seeing an interesting piece and examining it for awhile versus following the artist over a period of their career and finding more depth and nuance each time.


I'm not sure what you mean by expectation and need. I expect that when I express myself sexually that what I'm expressing is understood rather than merely experienced. I need to feel this is the case to express myself fully.

Not only can I choose and take what I want, I can also decline to take what I don't want. This is what I'm doing.

Bugger - when I was actually thinking about this much earlier today, I did mean choice and certainly not condition. But then I also see that it ends as the sexual condition for those who don't have the choice despite their desire.

Now you - left left right combination :smile:

Why isn't it an expression of sexuality? Everyone (most) seem to think that it is a selfish act - it isn't or rather it doesn't have to be. You can be soemone's friend first and share sexual expression and pleasure with them - you know what, you can even stop having sex with them and remain their friend. The buddy part is the most important factor in being a fuck buddy. This is why your sexuality will be understood, they are your friend first and foremost.

Some people aren't in the position or simply don't wish to have the roses around the door, and I don't mean because they are playing away from home, though often they are, sometimes you can express your sexuality with someone who wishes to share theirs with you.

I will admit that my lifestyles facilitates this type of relationship.

OK - one night stands and affairs are different.

I will do another defense of the one night stand another time if you want :redface:

 

[Gillette]

Bugger - when I was actually thinking about this much earlier today, I did mean choice and certainly not condition. But then I also see that it ends as the sexual condition for those who don't have the choice despite their desire.

Now you - left left right combination :smile:

Why isn't it an expression of sexuality? Everyone (most) seem to think that it is a selfish act - it isn't or rather it doesn't have to be. You can be soemone's friend first and share sexual expression and pleasure with them - you know what, you can even stop having sex with them and remain their friend. The buddy part is the most important factor in being a fuck buddy. This is why your sexuality will be understood, they are your friend first and foremost.

Some people aren't in the position or simply don't wish to have the roses around the door, and I don't mean because they are playing away from home, though often they are, sometimes you can express your sexuality with someone who wishes to share theirs with you.

I will admit that my lifestyles facilitates this type of relationship.

OK - one night stands and affairs are different.

I will do another defense of the one night stand another time if you want :redface:

No, damn it. If you feel the need to defend the one night stand or the fuck buddy concept, please do so. But don't do it for my sake. I don't condemn either so they need no defence to me.

They simply aren't my thing. You might as well defend heterosexuality to a gay person. They understand it, they accept that it happens and they apply no judgement to it. It just isn't for them.

I've had one night stands. With a few my eyes were rolling in ecstasy, with others they were rolling as I thought "Why the fuck did I bother?".

I had a fuck buddy for 18 years. We respected each other, liked each other and fucked each other when the itch arose. The sex was always intense but in the end not as satisfying as what I've had with a loving relationship.

If the sex is good, I'm going to want it on a regular basis. Neither option above makes that likely. And frankly, I like sleeping in a shared bed nightly. I want the spooning, the warm contact and the battle of the blankets. Every night. Neither of the above options offer the likelihood of that either. And lastly, whether it actually happens or not, I want to be a mom. And I want to raise my child in a two parent household. Neither one night stands nor fuck buddies are conducive to fulfilling that desire.

I'm not "saving myself for marriage" or anything lofty like that, but if I know that if his long term wants don't match mine and it's bound to end, then really there's no sense beginning or even dabbling. If there's no possibility of having my desires met I don't wish to go through the wondering of will the sex be good, will he want the sex to be good for me (more questionable with a ONS), does he shave, will he want me to shave, how well does he kiss, what does he think of my kisses, when and where do we meet, which lingerie should I wear, etc. Cutting out the occasional has simplified my life nicely.

Why should I lift a finger, let alone a leg, for occasional to fleeting when neither occasional nor fleeting is what I want? For an orgasm?

If you're defending ONS or FB arrangements from the perception of them being selfish, don't. I happen to accept my own viewpoint as selfish. I know what I want and I'm not accepting less.



Short version.

You have the sex life you with people who are like minded and that's a good thing.

I want to have the sex life and a life with a person who is like minded. And when it happens it will be a good thing. If that means I have a longer wait, so be it.

I'm not asking you to defend your desires. I shouldn't have to defend mine.

 

[Ethyl]

Unconditional sex - an expression of sexuality without an attempt to build a permanent emotional attachment. Why is this meaningless?

Meaningless is not the right word. There may be meaning in a temporary arrangement but it is defined by that word. The physical may have no limitations but everything else does.

Conditional sex - sex as part of a wider deal or emotional undertaking. I don't know why we are welded to thinking that this is the only type of sexual existence that means anything.

Pommes and oranges. Again, it's not but the limitations of a temporary emotional experience are there. It is rare to find that FWeeB who is truly a friend as well as a sex buddy and I am fortunate to have such a good friend in a former FWeeB. The attachment I have with my current partner is nothing like what I had/have with my friend. Neither is wrong nor bad. What you're suggesting is that one is thought to be ideal while the other isn't. I say neither is ideal for any one person unless they believe it to be so for themselves.

 

[Drifterwood]

Meaningless is not the right word. There may be meaning in a temporary arrangement but it is defined by that word. The physical may have no limitations but everything else does.

What you're suggesting is that one is thought to be ideal while the other isn't. I say neither is ideal for any one person unless they believe it to be so for themselves.

People will get no argument when they say that a period of celibacy is a good thing, reflection, self analysis etc. No one will say that what you have and what Gillettte wants are a bad thing either. Yet we are constantly hearing on his board and elsewhere that a position in between is meaningless.

Traditionally you can kiss a few frogs to find your Prince, but don't get kissing Princes just for the fun of it even if they turn out to be frogs.

I had a fuck buddy for 18 years. We respected each other, liked each other and fucked each other when the itch arose. The sex was always intense but in the end not as satisfying as what I've had with a loving relationship.

If the sex is good, I'm going to want it on a regular basis.

I'm not asking you to defend your desires. I shouldn't have to defend mine.

All sex can be emotionally satisfying, if it satisfies the emotions you need satisfying. I also think that satisfying sex just for its own sake is good for body and soul.

I don't think the equation is mutually exclusive as you say, for you yes, but should we tell people that it is universally, which does seem to be what happens. Namely, that the only truly satisfying relationship is one which two people commit everything to each other, plan a family etc etc..

I am absolutely not saying that you shouldn't want this and make it a condition to your love life, and accept that that in between you may not have a shared sex life, but there are a lot of people post women's lib in the UK at least, who are happy to have a sex life just for it's own sake.

DF finds it meaningless now, fine, lots of people do. All I am saying is that for others it isn't. It is satisfying emotionally, it is an interesting journey.

Babies eh?

 

[The Dragon]

Ok!
Looks like I will have to give a more indepth explaination.
Let me lay it out for all the on line "crows" to pick at.
When I got involved with my ex-boyfriend (fuck it yes! This story..AGAIN!)
When I got involved with him my sexuality was dead..I was asexual.
He not only woke it up but he discovered depths I didn't know exisited.
He gave me a hunger and a willinness to explore my sexuality.
This was a journey that I had fully expected to do with him. (He had never, not once given me reason not to belive this).
He awoke the appetite, the need to explore.
And in short he was DAMN good!!
I have in the past four yeas explored my sexuality and I don't, by any degree belive I am finished exploring.
But in my amorous travels I keep waiting for "the fire works" to happen.
Have I had pleasure? YES I have.
Have I had attentive and caring partners? YES I have.
But this emptyness plagues me.
I am a hedonist, I take my pleasure seriously.
But it HAS gotten to the point that the emptyness has become greater than the pleasure, regardless of what sort of out look I have.

 

[Ethyl]

People will get no argument when they say that a period of celibacy is a good thing, reflection, self analysis etc. No one will say that what you have and what Gillettte wants are a bad thing either. Yet we are constantly hearing on his board and elsewhere that a position in between is meaningless.

You're preaching to the choir. I ended a friendship with another woman because she felt my lifestyle was deplorable and should've wanted something more "meaningful". I was "too old" to be doing this sort of thing and needed to think about "settling down" because "you can't do this forever". What she and others don't get is that women aren't encouraged to pursue the lifestyle of which you speak. You're fortunate in that regard. But I didn't let that stop me. It was meaningful to me in that I discovered men could, in fact, be your friend as well as your lover. It's all about respect. People want to believe we're hedonists without feelings when we venture into these kind of relationships. At some point, you have to stop caring what other people think and do what is good for you and that's exactly what I did.

Traditionally you can kiss a few frogs to find your Prince, but don't get kissing Princes just for the fun of it even if they turn out to be frogs.

Traditionally you're the only gender who is encouraged to kiss as many frogs as you like and freely admit it.

 

[Drifterwood]

I don't want to hijack DF's thread, but I do find the post feminist dilemma that women face very interesting. What to do with freedom? Is the fredom real?

I have women friends who have tried every computation of settle down early have kids, don' settle down follow your career, then regret not having kids or not finding the right guy or the right guy being the wrong guy, etc etc

I always think the divorce rate is the guage of what a difficult choice it is. I also have a ruck of male friends in their late thirties who are just not interested in settling down.

I wonder if the next generation will come up with something better.

 

[Gillette]

We now return you to our original broadcast, "The Hung And The Sexless".

 

[B_zkrueger]

Well, I stopped masturbating in May of last year. And I've never had sex. So when it comes to celibacy, I know what's up.

Kinda odd, actually. There was the longest time where I didn't have a wet dream, then for a while I had them All The Time, like every other night or more. It's was crazy. Now I'm back in the dry spell.

 

[Gonzo3]

........................:kiss:

 

[deleted3782]

I quit having any sort of sexual contact last June when my ex moved out of town. Since then, Ive flirted a little, but no action to speak of. Ive had a few offers that I've not followed up on, in fact I am pretty clear with people I meet socially that I'm not interested in more. I suppose I just feel empty about it all. I can jack off if I need to reduce sexual tensions (been doing that almost daily for the past 10 months). I'm sure the dry spell will break one day if the right person comes along. In the meantime, I sort of find solace in maintaining my individual identity and stoic disposition ... but in reality it does feel very pretty bleak (shhh dont tell anyone!) especially on weekends and holidays. In spite of that bleakness, its just not worth it to hook up with anyone...I'm not that desperate...not yet...haha.

[Note to self in 2008 - Good news and bad news: The good news is that you learn to deal with the weekends and holidays. The bad news is that you will still be individual, stoic and remain celibate through 2010! :redface:]

Who else here calls Celibatia home?

 

[avg_joe]

Have anyone else ever reached a point where they made a conscious decision where they had just become so sick of pointless sex that it was just better to go without?
But there gets a point where after the rush and charge of the sex dies down. There is that inescapable emptyness that comes over you, even before your heartbeat returns to normal and the sweat has a chance to dry.
It's a bleak feeling.
Has anyone else ever reached that point and does it end?

I avoid having sex with people because I am afraid that I might get STDs like HIV/AIDS from them. I have seen my relatives and friends died with AIDS; before they died, they had suffered from the disease more than I could have ever imagined, and their family members were also affected in terms of money, time, and energy. There is nothing wrong with celibacy. I am more peaceful than ever.

 

[helgaleena]

Masturbation is sex! I am not celibate even when alone!