Changes

[Joe7703]

So my life has been turned upside down in the last few months, both good and bad and don't really have anyone to talk to about it all. Am feeling a bit odd and felt like sharing in the hopes of some wise words of advice.

So let's go back to 3 months ago, I'm finishing the end of my University degree, and essentially finishing a huge part of my life. I have job interviews set up already (even though my exams are still not finished), and have a great man in my life who I love. Things are exciting and scary at the same time.. you know, being out in the big wide world of work and no more studying.
One day, I head over to my partners (the usual weekend scenario), but he's at the pub drinking and watching football. He comes home a bit drunk a few hours later, and dumps me. Was a complete shock and out of the blue... his feelings had changed and nothing could be done about it. At the time I felt fine and fairly calm... he went back out to get drunk for the rest of the night and left me alone in his bed (I had been having a nap after I finished work). Later the obvious bad feelings hit me and I'm feeling pretty miserable, but a friend I met through my now ex-boyfriend took me out into town to cheer me up, and although it was sweet and nice of him, I was feeling a bit numb and obviously not in the best of moods. I go back to their place (my ex lived with this friend, let's call him Si) and crashed in my friends bed... only to be woken up at 3am by Si. Loads of people downstairs getting drunk and having a party, not wanting to deal with any of this I head home in a taxi and when finally alone, I'm all teared up. Let me tell you I can count the number of times I've cried on one hand... I don't cry very often. So the next day I go back into town to meet up with the gang... and the ex is there. Now we both wanted to remain friends, as we were really close. So him trying to be all buddy buddy tells me about this young guy he fucked all last night. Clearly he never really thought about the things he said... shortly after I make an excuse and leave.... feeling crummy again. The next few weeks proceed as follows... week 1: Sad Joe... week 2: rebound slightly slutty Joe, and week 3: Feeling a bit more normal, though still sad. During this time I hang out with my ex a few times, each time starting well with feelings that perhaps we could remain friends... and ending with him talking about his sex life and how many hot guys were chatting with him and coming back to his place... and therefore I feel like shit.

It's at this point, Si takes me aside and tells me that he's seen these so-called "hot guys", and must need to get his eyes checked as the ones he's seen have been a bit gross. It turns out my ex was a lot more sexually active than I was... and basically was fucking everything that moved. An "Any hole's a goal" mentality. Nice. In the following weeks I suddenly see the bad side to my ex... and feel much better about everything... looking back now, I don't really know who this man in front of me had become... definitely not the same guy I started going out with.

Feeling more confident I tackle my final year exams in the following month and give it everything I had. My final week, I had a job interview at my local hospital on Monday, and my final exam on Thursday. Interview goes extremely well, and though in the interview they said it would take a week to figure out who to pick, they phone the next day and offer it to me. Extremely happy and excited and thrilled that everything was fitting into place. I finish university with a 2.1 (again, extremely pleased as it was what I was hoping to get!) and everything seems good.

During this time, me and Si become a lot closer, mess around in bed a little bit, and decide to go on a date... and the date goes very very well! One of those "chatting until the early hours" instant connection ones. I already suspected we would get on very well (and he admitted the same)... a plan is made for the following week (dinner round his).

So everything is all shiny happy people. The day before he calls to say he has to go away for work (we had chatted about his big promotion and this was part of it)... that was fair enough. Was looking forward to seeing him, but there would be plenty of time for that in future. The next day I discover the double-edged blade that is facebook... a friend writes "A lovely dinner and catch up with Si"... so not away on work after all? Was a bit confused as this was completely out of character for him. But decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and that our friend has clicked the wrong name. Then he starts ignoring texts, yet is still posting on facebook and chatting to people on there constantly. Finally a week later he replies saying he's been really busy with work and other stuff that he's had no time to reply. Am I wrong to think that's the crappest excuse I've ever heard? Considering he has been chatting USING HIS MOBILE on facebook... yet couldn't reply? So this continues for another week, and then he's on holiday for a week abroad. Still chatting to people on facebook, but ignoring anything I send his way. Naturally I think the worst!

He gets back at the weekend and invites me out into town. "Finally" I thought... "he's messaging me, I must have just been overreacting". At first he's amazingly cuddley... just what I needed and what I was missing. He then proceeds to ignore me all night and acts distant... mixed signals much? I'm tired and a bit annoyed that I'd been so foolish so tell everyone I'm heading off. Si: "Go back to mine, I'll be back in about an hour"... so gives me a cuddle goodbye with an added grope. "Maybe I'm not being foolish?". Fast forward to being alone in his bed, when my ex comes home and starts shagging some guy extremely loudly next door... whilst i'm alone in a guys bed and feeling horrible. 6am Si finally comes home, walks in and grabs some more alcohol. I say mornin (as I hadn't slept at all), and he says he's just making a quick stop before going out again... will be back in an hour. 2 hours pass and he's not back and I'm not a happy bunny... so at the sounds of my ex shagging again I decide to go back to my home. It would later turn out that the guy my ex was shagging was the same guy he'd been very "cuddley" with all night... and is his new boyfriend. I went out expecting a nice night with Si, I get a night of listening to my ex shagging his new boyfriend... felt like a punch in the stomach.

So Si apologises for not spending much time with me... and we make plans for dinner... more cancellations and rubbish excuses. I then hear he's getting back with his ex... and at this point I'm pretty fed up of letting him rule my life like this... so just bluntly ask him... he laughs and tells me not in a million years (then why have you told all your friends the complete opposite?). Chatting with friends I realise I'm bit amazingly stupid and waiting for someone who's quite clearly messing me about... even though it's not like the guy I knew when we met so long ago. Chatting with mutual friends, he does this sort of thing a lot... and is very good at appearing the saint. Last week he made plans with me for dinner this Wednesday. Just chatting with him today he's told me he might have to cancel as he's busy in London (and that he also might be moving there for work). At this point I'm not at all surprised and am past caring... I deserve much better than the way he's treated me. So I just told him that I was looking forward to dinner, but if he can't do it then I'll see him around sometime, and congratulations on the possible new job. He still replies saying he MAY be free, and that he's not disappearing on me. But quite frankly... he's had way more than my usual 3 strikes... he's out!

I've started work and really enjoying it... I love the work (I knew I was meant to work in a lab), I love my colleagues... and sure the pay isn't great, but first job out of uni so quickly... I'm content for the time being. It's a start, and I'm young... my career will take me higher I hope :smile:

I've since become a lot friendly with the ex and his new boyfriend... it turns out he's actually quite nice and funny. Looking at my ex... I don't even know why I was attracted to him in the first place... I look at him now and just see a friend... it's nice to know those feelings are in the past. And it even turns out they will be moving in together in the next few months.... it's only been 3 months since he dumped me... which is pretty fast in my books. But I'm still happy for them both. I think they're going to be good friends!

I myself am trying to move closer into town, as where I live, although amazing and perfect for uni; is not very good for getting to work, and is so far away from friends. A bit lonely as it's about an hour away, and I'm completely reliant on buses. So when friends are all out having fun, I usually can't join them. Hopefully that'll change soon.


I guess with my ex moving on, me sorting and starting my career and working on next steps, looking for a new place to live, realising the guy I liked isn't really what I thought, and a whole host of other life stresses is making me feel a bit unstable. I think that I'm basically alone every night away from friends isn't helping the situation... I'm a social person... so being alone isn't very good. I guess I'm at that stage in my life where things are all in the air and settling into the routine that will make up the next part of my life... I just wish they'd settle already! There's also a big part of me that just wants to be loved, and to find a nice guy to be with... but so far they're all hidden... probably in some seedy dungeon somewhere :tongue: For now I'm sort of just going with the flow and seeing what comes my way.


Sorry for the long essay... I just needed to get it all out of my system... there are loads of things I missed, but just wanted to put my thoughts and feelings out there... if I can't really chat to my friends... the lovely people of LPSG will make do :biggrin1:

 

[erratic]

My goodness, the drama! I'm glad to hear that it feels like things are settling a bit, but I do suggest you spend a bit more time being social. And do remember that it takes a while before you find the right guy(s) for you. You have to work through a few bad matches before you start getting a handle on what kind of guy is right for you. When I think back on earlier boyfriends, I can see how my younger self really didn't know what he was looking for. They got better and better as time went on...though I still went on random dates with crazy weirdos (and some other really nice guys).

Also, too bad you can't really chat with your friends about this stuff. I'm happy you have LPSG, but nothing replaces good friends. Hopefully you can make some while you meet more people.

 

[Stephenmass]

"At this point I'm not at all surprised and am past caring... I deserve much better than the way he's treated me. So I just told him that I was looking forward to dinner, but if he can't do it then I'll see him around sometime, and congratulations on the possible new job. He still replies saying he MAY be free, and that he's not disappearing on me. But quite frankly... he's had way more than my usual 3 strikes... he's out!"

I'm so glad you finally realized this. It still hurts a bit nonethelesss, but all the moves you are making are the right moves. You've even reached the point of where you see him and don't feel anything which is a great sign! He treated you like shit.

Anyway, all the moves you are making are good ones. Your life is in an upheaval now and will settle fairly soon, especially after the move. After the move, slow down a bit and reconnect with all of your friends. Soon you will be back to yourself. You were too good for him anyway and it took a bit to realize it because you loved him unfortunately more than he loved you. Now it's past and you are moving forward. Bravo!

 

[D_Sal_Manilla]

I can't believe I read the whole thing but I did. You are a strong person cause I would have committed murder by now.

Only opinion i have is that you focus on your job and getting into the city. Forget others and meet new people.

my 5th grade math teacher who is still good friends with me told me after my first big break up. "Surround yourself with good people." Something so simple has always helped me. Your ex sounds like a scumbag.

Anyways

All my love
-Chairman Meow.

 

[cuteflyboi]

Sounds like you've bin through the ringer a bit.

You seem like you've bounced around between men without realising you don't need a man to be happy.

You can only be lonely when you are alone if you don't like the person you are alone with.

 

[rbkwp]

your of an age that you may not have heard of

david bowie - changes - YouTube

being English perhaps you have, anyway
No i have not read your article, but will do at some stage, and comment if necessary later
Cheers, and keep well ..

 

[D_Sal_Manilla]

your of an age that you may not have heard of

david bowie - changes - YouTube

being English perhaps you have, anyway
No i have not read your article, but will do at some stage, and comment if necessary later
Cheers, and keep well ..

life on mars is the shit. I love that song

 

[Exbiker]

Time itself cannot change things. But some of the events within in it, can and do. So, in that sense, give it time.

You have been treated badly. I have been in similar situations. It can help illuminate the world, and it can teach you something. But it's not easy to live through some of it.

You need to think it through, still. But don't become obsessive and one-dimensional. Build up layers and perspectives in your understanding ...

I suspect you need to focus on career for a while, sorting out places to live, and so on. Maybe have some fun here and there, maybe learn new things, through travel, or new sports and hobbies and such like. And look to art.

But don't think that everyone behaves in self-centred ways. Or purely physical/hormonal ways. Everyone learns and grows, as they go.

Best of luck.

 

[DavidXL]

First off, congratulations on graduating and getting a job so quickly in your chosen field. Those are big accomplishments, especially in these times. I remember when I was in the same position and first went out into the world. It was both scary and exciting. I remember clinging to some friendships and being a much better friend in some cases than some friends were to me.

You sound like a thoughtful, introspective guy. And it sounds like you have outgrown these "friends" and need to make new ones. I use the term "friends" loosely, because people who repeatedly cancel plans because of "better" opportunities and loudly fuck new lovers knowing you can hear are not your friends. Maybe you could move closer to your job or to where you like to hang out so you can spend more time socializing and less time commuting.

Best wishes!

 

[erratic]

^^^ Listen to David! Over the years, a friendship should balance out to 50/50 for both of you. It's a problem if you find you're always giving more.

 

[Joe7703]

Thank you guys for the support and advice... much appreciated!

My ex, although didn't think about what he was doing and how his actions may have affected me, isn't that bad a guy. I mean we were together for almost a year... and new each other longer before that... but obviously it didn't work out and I'm happy for him and his new guy. I do look at him now and can't really see why I liked him in that way... but still is nice enough to be a friend, and have come along way with emotions in the last few months for that to actually be a possibility.

As for Si... well I have an update for you. After cancelling on me again and again (and me starting to lose my patience), he finally said last week "We'll go out for dinner next week, how is Wednesday at 6pm?"... all was fine by me... "It's a date... will chat to you next week and we'll sort out where we want to go!".. So I message him at the beginning of the week and ask what the plan is for Wednesday... "Not sure yet as in London with work... have Olympic issues here"... so in my head he's already preparing to cancel on me. Continuing with "Will let you know, but you know work does this to me a lot."..
Later on in the conversation he tells me he might actually be moving to London as he's been offered a "something too good to turn down"..."don't worry you don't get rid of me that easily and you'll have free accommodation when you come to London"... I congratulated him and pointed out that it sort of chucks the idea of a relationship out of the window (I wanted to know once and for all.. enough of these games).

So he tells me he's not really ready for a relationship (even though he said he was when we went on our date and he was actually a nice person) as he's had 2 long term ones and they've ended badly. He's too old for me (he's 42 and I'm 22... i've always liked older guys and always will!)... he feels the age difference is too much (even though he previously said he had no problem with the age difference and it was ME who was slightly cautious)... and that he's "slowing down" and "can't go out partying so hard on a regular basis without consequences" and that I "need someone with a few more miles left in their tires".... so, that answers that question... but instead of not really being confrontational I decide it's about time I speak up.

Firstly pointing out that the age gap was never an issue for him before, and if you like someone that much age shouldn't matter granted you need to think about long term stuff. I also pointed out that all of my relationships have always been with 30+ guys and most likely always will... as younger guys don't really do anything for me (I sort of feel like I should be 10 years older so my body matches my mind). I also pointed out that I don't drink alcohol or do drugs or go out "partying hard" (I stay out late from time to time... it's a rarity), so I don't see how him trying to "slow down" is even an issue.

Finishing with "But at the end of the day you've made your decision and nothing will change that... I'll no doubt see you on the extremely rare occasions when I actually go out into town. X".... I.e... I won't be making an effort to see you anymore, if you want to be friends you have to stop treating me like crap.... he clearly didn't get the message saying "We'll hang out when I get back"... but I have no plan to go over to his place. Sure if we see each other in town I'll be nice... he's not a bad guy when he's actually being a nice person... but I won't be making the effort anymore.

So I'm both Happy and Sad and Annoyed.... Happy that I finally have received a straight answer from him, have some clarity and I can put that all behind me... sad because he was a nice guy (before all this crap started), and also annoyed because he could have said all this a long time ago and saved me the stress instead of stringing me along and sending mixed signals.

But overall happy... moving on and up, sorting out moving in with my friend in the town centre so FINALLY closer to friends and just generally enjoying life

Thanks again for everyone's input, has been nice to have people actually agreeing with me, in that he was acting like a dick... and I was giving him way too many chances

 

[D_22]

Drop Si.

 

[Joe7703]

Already dropped ;-)

 

[bigman777]

Wow man, talk about crazy emotional rollercoaster! You've done well to deal with all that! It sounds like a good thing you've dropped "Si" as he was obviously not doing your emotions any good!!
I do agree with what a few other people have said about making new friends which will help you meet new people and maybe Mr Right...maybe as you get more settled into your new job, some of your new work collegues will become good friends?!
Anyway, stay positive, keep your chin up and things will all work out eventually! Hope your new job continues to go well and things start improving for you soon!