cheated

[aliens224]

Hi, Im a long time lurker, but this is my first post.

So I'm writing to get some outside insight from you all, basically I am in love with a cheater it seems.

So about two years ago I was going through a divorce, and I started dating a younger girl. After a few months we were serious, and after a year we were inseparable I thought. I had a job offer in a different town, and long story short she ended up cheating on me and leaving me for about a day for another guy. We talked about it and she explained that she didn't want to leave me but she was afraid to move with me, and afraid to be alone so she turned to him, and was afraid I would go back to my wife. I accepted this, and we worked it out.

Now its about two years later, and she has gone to college (she's not that young just a late starter) I have started to trust her again recently but had some hiccups along the way, I caught her in some lies when she said she was at work but wasn't, (she forgot to turn the GPS off on her phone). and caught her deleting messages to people, she explained that she didn't want me to think she was up to something so she hid the messages from me so
I wouldn't be suspicious, but I was. I never caught her in the act, so I let them slide, until now.

Tonight I got her to admit to having a week long relationship with a fellow co-worker. she claims she only had sex with him twice and that it lasted only a week and then they stopped because she was guilty. I don't know what to do, I love her but I don't think I can ever trust her after doing this to me again. I don't know why she does it, She isn't unsatisfied, I think she just likes the attention and to feel sexy, or maybe loves the rush of something new. What do you all think? is she hiding more from me? this was in September, and she says she has never thought of doing it again.

I don't know what else to say... so I'll open it up to comments and questions.

 

[OsirisRa32]

Dump her ass....once a cheater always a cheater...and you're a tool if you keep letting yourself get used like this. Trusting her isn't even a question at this point....YOU CAN'T! Also....she's a liar....

 

[Stephenmass]

Osiris said it all. He's right.

 

[KennF]

I don't know that I say dump her or even say not to trust her.

I would say that her actions speak loud. She isn't going to keep this monogamous. She's already shown she wants to sleep with other guys, either because she wants to, or she doesn't know how to say no. This is all her issue.

You have to decide whether you want to be in that type of a relationship. If you do, then set boundaries as to what is acceptable and what is not. If you don't want to accept it, then you have your answer.

-K

 

[n3150n]

She will stray again, and it's up to you to decide if that's something you can (or want to) deal with. Even cheating once is a red flag that they're not cut out to be monogamous, but at least twice and hiding messages is a sure sign that it's just part of their nature.

It's easy to promise fidelity in the moment or out of guilt, but that doesn't address whatever underlying need she has which surfaces every so often - and unless you can really understand and target that then I doubt you can share a happy future together.

If you are going to be upset when your partner sleeps with other people (or if you are constantly worried they are cheating) then you will not be happy with this girl, and you need to find a different one.

 

[SillyGayBoy]

If she can be honest about it then just be honest about it. Sometimes people can't settle down right away. It is better to be open about then then hurt each other down the line. When the relationship can be closed later it can be. Unless she is just a liar then I would not spend a second talking to her.

 

[Mercurygirl]

So I'm writing to get some outside insight from you all, basically I am in love with a cheater it seems.

Not "seems", you are in love with a cheater. But you already know that.

I had a job offer in a different town, and long story short she ended up cheating on me and leaving me for about a day for another guy. We talked about it and she explained that she didn't want to leave me but she was afraid to move with me, and afraid to be alone so she turned to him, and was afraid I would go back to my wife. I accepted this, and we worked it out.

Do you see how she turned her infidelity, her lies, around on you? As if her deceit and affair were your fault? And you bought it and forgave her.

I caught her in some lies when she said she was at work but wasn't, (she forgot to turn the GPS off on her phone). and caught her deleting messages to people, she explained that she didn't want me to think she was up to something so she hid the messages from me so I wouldn't be suspicious, but I was. I never caught her in the act, so I let them slide, until now.

Let me get this straight, she lied about where she was and you caught her deleting texts and her explanation was she was deleting messages so you wouldn't be suspicious? Come again??? Emm, one could only become suspicious if what's being deleted is incriminating. And her ridiculous explanation was logical to you? Really???

Tonight I got her to admit to having a week long relationship with a fellow co-worker. she claims she only had sex with him twice and that it lasted only a week and then they stopped because she was guilty.

Oh she's guilty alright. And my guess, considering her track record, is she has had sex with this man more times and for a longer period than she has admitted to. May I ask what led to your suspicion that would cause you to pressure her into admitting this latest affair?

I don't know what to do, I love her but I don't think I can ever trust her after doing this to me again.

You cannot trust her as she continues to prove herself a liar and a cheat.

I don't know why she does it, She isn't unsatisfied, I think she just likes the attention and to feel sexy, or maybe loves the rush of something new.

She does it because it's in her nature and you've allowed her to. She doesn't respect you, your relationship, and she clearly gets a sexual charge out of sleeping around. Newsflash: She is unsatisfied. I'm not saying that the sex you have together is unsatisfying in the moment it's just that for a girl like her it will never be enough. She will continue to cheat and have sex with other men. Why? Because she enjoys it and she can.

What do you all think? is she hiding more from me? this was in September, and she says she has never thought of doing it again.

I think one can assume with a high level of certainty from the evidence you've brought forth here of her lascivious activities that this is just the tip of a giant infidelity iceberg. There are probably other men that you don't know about. She's also most likely continued having sex on the sly with men you do know about. Why would she curb here behavior when you've already shown more than once that she can talk her way out of it and you'll forgive her? She takes you for a pushover and a sucker. In her head she's smarter than you.

Bottom line: If you allow yourself to be her doormat she won't change. Seriously how can you ever trust this women again? Your dating a liar who's made a habit of bringing sadness to your life and has the potential to bring a STD to your bed. You deserve to be with someone who you can trust and who truly loves you. It's plain to see from my objective point of view that you love her far more than she loves you. Do yourself a favor and dump the whore.

 

[aliens224]

Thanks for your replies, an outside perspective really helps in this. I was wrong about the time it happened, after talking to her I found out it was in February or march of last year. I'll answer some questions now. The reason I started trusting her again and was able to catch her is (go ahead and flame me I don't care) because I installed a program on her phone around April or May when I caught her being suspicious, so I could make sure she wasn't up to no good, and so I could break up with her if she burned me again. The reason I let the suspicious behavior go is because the texts really were innocent, the ones she deleted were from guys she didn't want me to know messaged her, but she hadn't said anything to indicate anything was going on, she just didn't want me to see them and get suspicious.

I monitored her texts and messages on Facebook without her knowing it for a while, and yes I know it is completely counter productive: why date her if I feel the need to check on her in the first place, but our relationship was going great, I just had trouble determining if I could trust her. I eventually came to the conclusion that she was being faithful, everyone that hit on her on her phone she turned away, and new friends were told she had a serious boyfriend.

My thinking that was she is a changed girl, and she is faithful. I eventually stopped checking as often, and would only go on and catch up every few days out of curiosity and habit instead of suspicion, but two days ago is when I caught her. An old friend from work messaged her and I just happened to check the messaged in the middle of their conversation, I watched them text and it was all innocent, until he asked If I ever found out about them, that's when I knew she had done something.

I waited half a day so she wouldn't think that I could see texts, and then sbrought up the subject and claimed that I had been suspicious for quiet some time, and claimed that I knew that she had done something and wanted her to confess. She denied it, but I kept pushing, and said it was her only chance to make it right, and if she lied it was over. I told her I had noticed a text message from a number I didn't recognize pop up on her phone one night that indicated something had happened between her and someone, and I deleted it and never said anything, so she confessed. She told me it was only one guy, that she had sex with him twice, and that it only lasted a week at most. She told me that it was a long time ago and she had never done anything since (and I believe her so far because the texts prove as much, she had cheated before I installed the software). This is what makes it difficult, the proof indicates that she is indeed a changed person, but the principle of the matter is that she burned me twice, and that I shouldn't give her another chance. I just feel like I would be giving up on something great, because we are great together except for her infidelities in the past. Still very confused, and would like to answer more questions if anyone has any, this is making it a lot easier for me.

 

[aliens224]

As far as hiding more from me I was suspicious of that as well. I am not sure of if there was more than one scenario but I am fairly certain she is telling me the truth about them only being together twice. (And I know this is fucked up) I asked her permission to message him on her phone posing as her so I could make sure she was telling me the whole truth, she said okay. I was able to talk to him briefly, and it was obvious to me they hadn't been speaking regularly. I was able to get him to indicate that they hadn't seen each other in about a year, and that the relationship was very short. I would have kept going but the fact that she was allowing me to go though with it in the first place told me that she had nothing to hide.

She may have had sex with him three of four times, but if the relationship was so short it couldn't have been that many, and really what is the difference between two and ten, the fact that she cheated in the first place is the problem, not the number of times they fucked. It may seem like I am trying to defend her but I am not, I am simply stating facts and what they are leading me to believe. I am open to the idea that there may be more men that she slept with, and I am taking that into account, and although I should probably just leave her, I am curious to find out the extent of her cheating first.

 

[AlteredEgo]

You're jealous, and who wouldn't be in that situation. The problem is that while you cannot control the behavior of others, you can absolutely control yourself 100% of the time. Checking her texts is immoral. Why be with someone who brings out the worst in you, as opposed to finding a partner who brings out the best in you? She's not for you, Dude. Move on.

 

[Cowboy_Jake]

Mercurygirl is 100% correct in her advice to you.

Don't worry about the extent of her cheating. It will only make you sad or mad if it's worse than you know about.

I was married to a woman that I loved more than anything else in the world. She cheated on me. When I found out, she left me for the other man. I actually took her back TWICE. She left me a third time to be with him. It was then I realized what a fool I had been and I divorced her. She eventually realized she was wrong and regretted her decision to leave me, but it was too late.

I can't tell you how fast you need to run, not walk, run away from this girl. She will only bring you more heartache.

 

[OsirisRa32]

Checking her texts and installing a program on her phone may in fact be outright illegal depending on your country and states. It would fall under cyber crimes and you need to be really careful with that sort of thing.

 

[n3150n]

I can only reiterate what has been said before - this will continue to happen, she won't stop, people just don't fundamentally change in real life.

What you need to decide is whether you can enjoy a life of repeated emotional turmoil, because that's what you'd be signing up to. You can never trust her completely, you'll always be sneaking around checking up on her, finding our more secrets, confronting her, talking it through, choosing to believe her just this once (or maybe dumping her and taking her back), and it all starts again. If that sounds like fun or you're sure you can deal with it and rise above then by all means carry on. If it hurts and you want it to stop then you know what you have to do.

 

[LaFemme]

People have pretty much said it all. People can move past ONE infidelity with enough love, commitment and help. The two of you don't seem to have that.

The other thing I'd like to point out, is that when someone feels the need to "spy" on their lover, it's time to call it quits. Trust is gone. Either your spidey senses are telling you that something is truly wrong, or you just aren't able to rebuild trust in an honest way with your partner. And rebuilding trust after infidelity means the cheater needs to be 100% accountable for their time, their relationships etc. All transparent and above board. You don't heal dishonesty with more dishonesty from either party.

My two cents, anyway.

 

[aliens224]

Thanks for all your input, it really helps me put things into perspective, I wont let her blame it on me this time for sure. I'm going to talk to her right now and something major needs to change for sure.

 

[TdTorquemada]

You need more perspective. I recommend you take a look at Coping With Infidility section of talk about marriage dot com. Your GF is reading from a well established script from a play that has devastated legions of good men. Good luck.

 

[LaFemme]

You need more perspective. I recommend you take a look at Coping With Infidility section of talk about marriage dot com. Your GF is reading from a well established script from a play that has devastated legions of good men. Good luck.

And women.

 

[SprinkleMe69]

Neither of you trust each other. It's over. Has been for a while. Time to come to terms with it and move on.

 

[Stephenmass]

I'm trying to remember how it goes...

Fool me once, shame on you (her)

Fool me twice, shame on me (you).

I've been involved with a cheater once before and if they only get away with it once (meaning you never have any knowledge of it) chances are they will do it again, and again, and again. Sooner or later they usually get caught in their lies and deceit.

The times you have caught her are the ones you know about. I know for myself (which is the reason you still "spy" on her (long story short)) when I was "spying" it simply meant I still didn't trust him. It was gone. Took me a very long time to realize that.

She may know already how you are getting your information. That simply tells a true cheater that they have to be even sneakier.

I guess the question is how many times will it take for you to see her in her true light? It's a shame really because I know you love her which makes it very difficult.

But sooner or later you realize you are the fool (and I don't say that to you to disparage you). I've been a fool before. I hope it never happens again. That's in my past. I hated being suspicious, monitoring, watching, etc. I finally realized I deserved better and moved on.

It's easy for me to say because of what happened to me.

I've gotten better now and have never been happier. I won't lie. For a couple of years I wasn't the happiest person going. But after awhile you realize all that misery is gone and now you are free to find someone that is worthy of you.

My two cents.

 

[aliens224]

thanks for all your stories and shared experiences, they really helped me to see that she may never change and that she was bringing out the worst in me. I deserve someone that I don't need to check up on, and although it's going to be hard I think it is time to move on.