I don't advocate cheating under any circumstances but it's not always a clear cut black and white affair. In the case of a single instance of cheating, depending on the circumstances, I think the possibilities of understanding and forgiveness can and should be considered.
I've seen firsthand the damage that cheating can do to people, the first guy I dated was left a broken and emotional wreck after his fiancée cheated on him multiple times. She eventually dumped him and informed him of yet more cheating in a truly hideous and very public way that damaged him even further.
Even while we were dating, his continuing love for her and the despair he felt over the situation was evident. He kept photo albums containing only pictures of her and him all over his house, would show me them frequently and tell me about the future he planned and wanted with her. Then he'd leave the room to cry whilst I sat there staring at their frozen history, not knowing what the fuck to do or say.
She was such a charming girl. She deliberately kept in contact with him, always phoning up with a question or quirky comment, leaving cute little messages on his answering machine with references to things they'd done in the past. She'd also find out from his friends if we were going out and would just happen to be in the same place. She once did that whilst we were out clubbing, literally grabbed him on the dance floor and started slutting all over him.
Best part was that she didn't know who I was, so when she marched into the toilets later with a gang of her friends, declaring loudly "he's got a new girl, if I find her, I'll fuck her up" it was a genuine pleasure to introduce myself. I don't do violence but I'm damn good at threatening to.
She left him alone for several months after that but it was clear that he didn't want to move on, the spaces he'd made for her in his life and heart were never going to be filled by anyone else. I tried my best to help him but at that time I was very young and totally unequipped to deal with someone so determined to bury himself in a past he couldn't return to and a future he couldn't have.
So we broke up and I thought to myself, if anyone ever cheats on me - it's over.
Easy to think that, not so easy when it actually happened.
I met a guy through an internet community and set of chat rooms I frequented, he lived up the country from me and hadn't had a girlfriend before. The first year and a half of the relationship was long distance, maintained through phone calls, internet chatting and two visits.
At the time I was working for the ISP who provided the chat service and he was studying at University, we were both online a lot and part of a large group of internet friends/people/associates who would chat, do quizzes and behave in an extremely silly fashion in the evenings.
It was a close knit group and there were a few oddball outsiders who'd drift in and out, also some real nutcases of the type made popular in the media "internet psycho" warning stories.
One of the drifters was a girl with a reputation for cybering anything that had a remotely male nickname, sometimes very publicly.
The guy I was dating was extremely extroverted and comical online, the complete opposite of how he was in real life, that particular girl was very predatory and drawn to his online persona. Even though she knew we were dating, that we'd met in real life and had plans together, she pursued him at full force. Outrageous flirting, dirty talking, begging him to cyber her and to meet her.
All of the above, she did in the main chat room where everyone could see. I thought if she was that open about it, there wasn't any serious danger. That she was role-playing for attention and fun, really didn't think she'd be like that in real life.
A few mutual friends started to make comments about her behaviour and his responses to her, a couple of my closer friends said I should be worried and I didn't listen, didn't think I had a need to and even had a go at them for saying that kind of thing about someone I trusted.
To this day, I've never known if he wanted to get caught or if he was just fucking stupid. I suspect the latter as he obviously intended to reply to one of her emails and sent it to me instead, included was a really interesting set of pictures and all the previous email history with explicit details. From that point it was easy to work out dates and times, note all the inconsistencies and find the lies.
I was devastated and confused. Ashamed because I felt like it was my fault, I blamed myself and I cried my fucking heart out before I got properly furious. Then I felt confused again and considered the options. Most of all I wanted to know and understand why he'd done it and how it had come to that when things had seemed to be going fine.
If I'd have ended the relationship right then without talking, aside from the betrayal of trust, the not knowing why would have been the worst thing for me.
So we talked and talked, with crying on both ends of the phone. As I listened and thought about things, I could understand why he'd done it. It didn't excuse it and he had the grace at least, not to try to.
Time apart, physical loneliness, sheer distance, never having had a girlfriend before so never having had anyone or anything to compare current feelings or physical reactions to, uncertain about commitment, unsure of timing, about the future, wanting the chance to experience variety and experiment before settling down, wanting something free and easy that required no maintenance or work, wanting a casual encounter for the chance to have fucked more than one woman in a lifetime, wanting to feel attractive and desired, wanting to feel eligible/available and not limited in options or choices, thinking too much, not really thinking, the appeal of a beautiful woman (whatever I think of her, I saw pictures and she was physically stunning), pride, ego, machismo, lust...
Many, many reasons, there were more I haven't listed and am not going to because they're extremely personal. So yeah, I could put myself in his shoes, empathise and understand why he did what he did. It was a mistake and people make them. As long as something is learned and the mistake isn't repeated, it's possible to move on from it.
If I'd have been aware of how he felt at the time, I would have told him that we needed to take a break from the relationship. I have no problem with someone wanting to live life for themselves when they've not had the opportunity to do it until that point. I'd rather someone be as certain as is possible, with as much experience as is possible to make a choice wisely than to rush into something with unvoiced doubt and uncertainty that can later lead to much worse things happening than breaking up for a while so that when it comes down to wanting something, you know damn well that you want it and will stay with it and you're not going to regret agreeing to have a monogamous relationship with it, get engaged to it then give into temptation when it emails naked pictures of itself to you.
That guy and I broke up a long time ago. We didn't work out for a lot of reasons but the incident of cheating wasn't one of them. I firmly believe that if you're going to forgive someone, it has to be done properly, you don't store a mistake for ammunition the next time you're pissed, you let it go and it stays gone.
Odd to look back and find it almost amusing now, especially the girl. She plowed through the other men in that community like a combine harvester until they started talking amongst themselves and realised they shared some common symptoms. At least three of them were married, two no longer are. Karma can be such a bitch.
I've had the dubious pleasure of having predatory female friends before and they're a very interesting breed but akin to Wolverines. Kinda fun to watch from distance but if they get close to you or those you care about, hit them with a bloody big stick.
So from personal experience, I can see why cheating sometimes happens, that it's something you can move forwards from and how damn important good communication is in a relationship. I can also see the occasions where it's inexcusable, completely unacceptable, unforgivable and hideously wrong.
Giving someone a chance isn't such a bad thing to do, giving someone multiple chances is. Unless you're in a relationship or marriage of convenience where both parties know and don't give a shit, so it's vaguely OK.
And in the case of domestic abuse and violence against both men and women, there is never an occasion where that is acceptable. Ever. Though I'm fully aware that it's easy for me to say that on principle as it's very different for the people who are trapped into being victims of it.
