Cheating, Conscience, & Sexual Desire

[D_Loveday Rubberhose]

Let me start by saying that I was faithful to my wife for all the years prior to our separation (and even for a couple of the years during our separation).

We were separated for several years, but we're back together now. Since our reunion, I have resisted the urge to cheat with women--even when the opportunity was, literally, right in my hand. I have, however, taken two opportunities to cheat with men. I believe that somehow I rationalized that a bj with another guy was not cheating (please, let's not talk about Clinton). My enjoyment was minimal (actually, the last time, which was this morning, I didn't enjoy at all) and am wondering if my sexual desire has down-shifted or if my conscience is getting the better of me. I really love my wife and I'm feeling like crap for what I've done.

Except for venting, I really don't know what I expect to get from this post. I would probably say that one is supposed to feel like crap after cheating on one's spouse. The bigger problem is this: even though I didn't really enjoy it, I feel like I would do it again (not necessarily with a man).

Well, I put myself out there, so I'm prepared for the attack.

 

[robmass42]

Are you still married? From your post, I think the answer is 'yes'.

In my teen and college years, I was a bi-sexual 'ho. I had indiscriminate sex with lots of people, and enjoyed most of it.

When my ex-wife and I hooked up, she knew my history. From the time we got engaged through the end of the marriage, I was faithful to her.

That was a choice that she didn't make, which is why the marriage ended.

I can't tell other people what to do, but I'll just say that if you want a long-term, committed relationship, my experience says it has to be monogamous. Maybe someday I'll get another chance.

 

[hypolimnas]

The bigger problem is this: even though I didn't really enjoy it, I feel like I would do it again (not necessarily with a man).

My thoughts:

Let's forget the moral issues. In this case I think your behaviour is a sign that something isn't quite right for you in your life at the moment. The consequences of this for your general well being and future cannot be under-estimated.

I think the way we express our sexuality is deeply connected to our emotional life. Men sometimes don't talk about their feelings, often because they don't know how or it seems too hard, I would also say that talking is not always the answer though. Does everyone else in your life do all the talking, is anyone listening to you? How do you feel about where you are at?

I think there may be a wider context underlying how you feel. Working out what this feeling is, and how it affects your bevavioual decisions, will be one part of the problem. I don't believe you want to live a lie, or hurt your partner.

Here are some ideas about what you may be feeling. If any of them are potential candidates, then try and get some help from friends, or even a professional or both.

1. Feeling that your life is empty, and boring, with no spark?
2. You have lost a sense of who you truly are?
3. Circumstances have forced you into a life that you would not choose for yourself? There is nothing special left anymore?
4. You are trapped by career and family life? You want to explore more?
5. Your partner is as much of a bind, as a positive force in your life?
6. You worry about time running out to do those things that you once dreamed that would be the high points of your life?
7. You feel numb, and divorced from your feelings?
8. Your partner doesn't understand you?
9. Nobody understands you? Does everyone use you?
10. Everyone takes you for granted? Is this all there is to life?

Your sexuality is an expression of yourself. The thing is to work out who you really are inside, and how to give expression to that, in all aspects of your behaviour, including your sexuality. Right now you don't need more sexual partners, you need to care for yourself a little better. Until you do you will be hurting yourself and others. Face up to this, challenge yourself to make a better life. Good luck.

 

[WildHoney]

It's a real no brainer for me .....you are married, either be open with your needs and emotions and work to fix what shits you off, or leave. If my husband every cheated on me I would be crushed, as would he.

If your not getting what you want in your relationship , commit to work on it untill you do, if it doesn't work put and your still unhappy, grab life by the balls ,walk away and don't be a coward. Fucking around messes with everyone involved and will ultimately lead to hurt.

Honey

 

[dreamer20]

We were separated for several years, but we're back together now...
Except for venting, I really don't know what I expect to get from this post. I would probably say that one is supposed to feel like crap after cheating on one's spouse. The bigger problem is this: even though I didn't really enjoy it, I feel like I would do it again (not necessarily with a man).

Well, I put myself out there, so I'm prepared for the attack.

You ideally want a polyamorous situation i.e. you keep your wife and have another lover. And again the ideal would be to discuss this with her and see if this is something that she will endorse. However seperation anxiety is stopping you from doing this, i.e. you are afraid that you will lose her once the cat is out of the bag. When you are mentally ready to take the next step , proceed with caution. Once the fear factor is removed from the equation it is possible to build an intimate relationship with a similar minded person that will be enjoyable. Goodluck.

 

[headbang8]

The morality of having sex outside your relationship is entirely relative, and is something which only you can decide.

But that's not the real issue. I'm with hypolimnas on this one.

Anytime someone does something voluntarily that they don't enjoy--or for which they have only a sketchy idea of their motives--then it's time to pause and take stock.

I note from a pevious post that you even got paid, once. A common way to make the act seem guilty in one's head.

Doing something repeatedly that makes you feel bad afterward is a neurosis. A minor one at this stage, but it's there.

The underlying causes of this behaviour are notoriously hard to sort out. I'll go out on a limb: maybe you have mixed feelings about getting back with your wife. That would be more than understandable.

You sound like a smart, articulate guy. You'll sort out what's going on on your head. Venting in places like this helps. So would therapy, if you can find the right therapist. Whatever your conclusion, guilt is the wrong thing to feel.

 

[TitanicJake]

I too am married and I (not to brag) get hit on by both women & men.
Sexual desire is always there for me. After lifting I am horny as hell and my wife is sometimes tired as we have a baby. I flirt at the gym and at school but I stop short. Sometimes it is difficult if a really fit attractive person gives me the signal. I know all they want is a sexual encounter with no strings. I sometimes use every ounce of my being to say no and go home to my wife.
Truth be told I have jerked off in my car outside a bar so I wouldn't cheat.
Friday at work I held a cooworker close but then broke away.
I fear my wife would leave me if I cheated.
I fear I'd get aids and give it to her.
She is great in bed and last night she let me watch her play with herself anf feed me her pussy with her hand. It rocked my world. I keep those memories close to my heart when temptation strikes.
Jake
PS I am VERY fortunate. My wife allows an occasional threesome for me on special occasions like my birthday etc.

 

[AlteredEgo]

You cheated. You feel guilty. Guilt will neither change nor heal what has happened. in fact, the guilt may trap you in a bad, compulsive spiral. So. Let go of the guilt. Let it all out. DO NOT CONFESS! Your wife already knows and chooses not to see it, or doesn't know, and is happier for it. So do not confess. Simply forgive yourself and move on, never to break your promises again. Give yourself a new chance.

 

[OBsessed]

DO NOT CONFESS! Your wife already knows and chooses not to see it, or doesn't know, and is happier for it. So do not confess.

Seconded by someone who just had a long chat with her broken-hearted sister because said sister's idiotic bf had just confessed a brief affair that took place in summer 2005. He totally crushed her just to unburden his own conscience.

I once cheated on my ex, and never told him. Of course I felt guilty and bad about it, but imho I deserved to feel guilty & shitty, and he deserved not to feel awful about what had happened.

 

[D_Coyne Toss]

Feeiling guilty is a bit useless, i think.

If you really think that faithfulness is important, and that cheating on your wife is immoral, or simply wrong, you should not do it, neither with men, nor with women.

I don't want to be paternalistic, since i think that anybody should be free to take his own coiches, i just say that once you decide a path to follow, you should e coherent, always.

Think well about it: is faithfulness an important point of a relationship for you? if so, try to be faithful, and don't feel guilty if you fail, we all make mistakes, just try to learn from then, so that you won't fall another time.

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

Sorry if I'm repeating another persons response... didn't read all of them. My first question is - before the seperation, were you feelings these same urges and just not acting on them? Or did you not have the urges at all? Secondly, why were you two seperated in the first place? Did she cheat on you? If so, it would make sense to want to cheat on her. Maybe being 'single' for a while allowed you to realize how much fun being single can be, and you aren't ready to be back in a committed relationship. Who knows?

 

[dreamer20]

I have resisted the urge...
Well, I put myself out there, so I'm prepared for the attack.

I have another option for you to consider hardblack as sex with others wasn't as enjoyable as you thought it would be. Let your your mind be your sexual playground and have fun with sexual fantasies within it. Focus your sexual urges and the fulfilment of them on your wife and your own body. You have indicated that your conscience is speaking to you, so do as it dictates and avoid having sex with other persons.

 

[D_Loveday Rubberhose]

Thank you all for your insight and advice. I don't know what's wrong with me--if anything. I made a mistake and maybe I'm just feeling really bad about it. Perhaps it's really not any more complex than that.

Three of the responses were from females. I especially appreciate your wisdom. I certainly don't want to crush my wife by unloading my conscience on her; and since I can't imagine life without her I just need to recapture the mindset that kept me happily and willingly faithful for all the years prior to our separation.

Again, thanks for all your posts.

 

[Onslow]

Let me start by saying that I was faithful to my wife for all the years prior to our separation (and even for a couple of the years during our separation).

We were separated for several years, but we're back together now. Since our reunion, I have resisted the urge to cheat with women--even when the opportunity was, literally, right in my hand. I have, however, taken two opportunities to cheat with men. I believe that somehow I rationalized that a bj with another guy was not cheating (please, let's not talk about Clinton). My enjoyment was minimal (actually, the last time, which was this morning, I didn't enjoy at all) and am wondering if my sexual desire has down-shifted or if my conscience is getting the better of me. I really love my wife and I'm feeling like crap for what I've done.

Well, I put myself out there, so I'm prepared for the attack.

No attacking here just a similar situation althoughn very strange in some ways. As long timers know I was with a decent man for many years and started screwing around behind his back, first just giving oral on othere men then allowing other men to give me a blowjob then anal sex both giving and receiving and then the Nobel Prize winning event of November 30, 2005 where I became part of a drunken near-orgy whichy much to my horror involved a woman as well as her husband and one other man after that all bets were off. So I have done the start off cheating game and it led to a lot of heartache and sorrow for a lot of people. My best advice would to be to try to end that behavior now while it is still possible, I get the feeling that you really love your wife since you remained true to her through a separation and then got back with her. Don;t let it turn into the hell which I created with Ray, I lost the best thing possible and don't want to see that happen to anyone else.

 

[l_a_dude]

It's hard not to cheat. You just have to try your best not to do it...and hope that it turns out that way.

If you fall, get up and move on. Don't beat yourself up. We all fall and make dumb decisions. The difference is that most of us don't share those mistakes with others...