Cheating is not the problem... lying is the problem.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Hanky Philler, Aug 15, 2011.

  1. D_Hanky Philler

    D_Hanky Philler Account Disabled

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    I understand cheating. It can happen for a number of things. Rage, loneliness... the list goes on.
    Cheating is easy to forgive and its true. Lying on the other hand makes you doubt what people are say and feel. and most people i believe confuse these two together.

    my partner, when we first met loved to web cam and trade pictures. he told me he would stop because he knew how much it bothered me. Porn is one thing but actually talking and exposing yourself to strangers I like being in a circle jerk at the gym. in my opinion and I know I'm not the only one what feels this way. Long story short he has lied to me a couples times and maybe I'm stupid for staying with him but that's not the topic here.

    i on the other hand cheated on my partner once. After i found out that he still was having cyber sex and what not, i felt like i was not good enough for him. I wasn't enough for him. Like i couldn't please him. So i cheated on him with a man i met at the gym. As soon as it happened i felt terrible and told him when he got home.

    never cheated on him again.

    the question here is... whats worse? cheating or lying?
    granted that the person learns from their mistakes.

    i was never angry at him for lying to me, but i was so disappointed.
     
  2. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    Hold on, so you went a fucked someone else because your BF was camming with other people after he told you he would stop and then you went and told him about the fact that you'd cheated on him as soon as you'd done it?

    I maybe a little old fashioned but my rubric for what I think is right or wrong boils down to the intention behind the action.

    Yes your bf betrayed you and lied to you about continuing to cam with other people and you have a right to be angry about that. Would you have been happier if he'd done it because you guys had had an argument and he was angry with you and felt like making himself feel better by camming with someone else and then came and told you all about it because he didn't have the strength to keep it to himself rather than landing it on you, or because actually he still wanted to get back at you for the argument and wanted to see your face when he told you all about how he'd betrayed you?

    The point being that cheating and lying aren't objectively better or worse than each other and attempting to make yourself feel better by pretending they are is class A bullshit, what matters is the motivations for your actions, and how selfish those motivations may be.

    Of course, no matter how selfish your motivations may be, it's up to each individual to decide the level of hurt they are prepared to live with and work through and if their SO means that much to them that they're willing to forgive them.
     
    #2 D_Tim McGnaw, Aug 15, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2011
  3. helgaleena

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    Cheating IS lying. It involves not telling your partner what you are up to.

    If you sleep around and are open about it and get your partner's blessing, it is no longer cheating. Because you didn't lie about it.

    Everybody lies a bit, often to themselves. But it's not good for relationships in general. Honesty is a lot healthier.
     
  4. AlteredEgo

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    Yeah. What they said.
     
  5. poultrygal

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    ditto....couldn't have said it better
     
  6. D_Hanky Philler

    D_Hanky Philler Account Disabled

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    See the thing is that if you do it once i can understand. people make mistakes and loose themselves in a momment of passion. but he didn't do this once... maybe i idnt make that clear before. hes not the type of person to be spiteful. i would have wanted him to be honest about it, so i don't find out through other sources. if he wouldn't do it in front of me then he shouldn't do it at all. don't you agree?

    and i dint fuck someone else because he was web-caming. i did it because at the time we had a fight and didn't speak for a few days and i felt lonely. I'm not making an excuse, but I'm giving my reasons. don't you ever feel neglected by your partner? i only cheated on him once, not multiple times.

    and your right when you say lying is cheating but if your partner cheated on you and you found out through a friend and not by him/her... would you easily forgive?

    and if you did forgive regardless of how you found out... and they did it again. how would you feel.

    I've been with him for a long time and he is a good man but this is his only flaw. everything else is perfect but i cant seem to fully trust him again. i understand why he did it but i cant seem to forgive him. that's why i wanted to see how others felt.

    form what i read i guess we are both a fault.
     
  7. helgaleena

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    Does he forgive you? If so, you have some possible ways to meet halfway and accept each other as you truly are.
     
  8. PornForPatric

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    There isn't any possible excuse for cheating. I've been sexual active/dating for nearly 30 years and in all that time I have never cheated. I'm constantly around some of the hottest men who are totally naked and jacking off or fucking. I've certainly had opportunities but if you're in a relationship, not matter who hot the guy is, you just say no.

    I've been cheated on and I always find it amazing when people say "Oh, you should go out and fuck someone. Make you feel better and show him how it feels to be cheated on." I think the time of an eye for an eye is long past and cheating on your partner because he cheated on your is the height of stupidity.

    Lying has little place in a relationship, but we all tell lies in relationships. "Oh, you're so huge" or "No, that doesn't make you look fat" and the ever popular "No, it tastes delicious. Not burnt at all".
     
  9. rawrg

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    This is why open relationships are becoming more popular. To have one person satisfy all your sexual needs for decades is unrealistic for most.
     
  10. D_CountVonBhigBohner

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    Cheating isn't cheating if there is an understanding of having an open relationship on both sides. This concept is hard to understand for those who do not agree with open relationships. People tend to look at everything from their own perspective and judge others.
     
  11. Yellow LedBetter

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    Cheating is lying as said by an above poster, however, unlike lying, cheating is unforgivable in my eyes. Everyone lies, if one says they do not, their lying to themselves. I can forgive harmless white lies. That being said, it's perpetual lies that do the most harm by eventually, but not always, leading to actions such as cheating.
     
  12. AlteredEgo

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    This is what my husband and I have recently come to understand.
     
  13. dude_007

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    Stop feeling jealous and let your boyfriend cam, its safe, relatively harmless and no strings fun. What is the real issue? He is hot and you're afraid to lose him? Or what exactly? It's basically interactive porn...but then I am uber liberal...

    He isn't going to change. When you've lived long enough you realize none of us are here to live how others want us to live. One might change for "true love" in the short term, but over the long haul...not so much.

    Yes, the truth hurts, sometimes.

    And yes, cheating and lying are the same thing.
     
    #13 dude_007, Aug 16, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2011
  14. D_Tim McGnaw

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    This isn't really about fault. It sounds like you're still trying to portion out blame and "win" the battle or argument between you about who's betrayed who the most. That's fruitless and destructive.

    You have both done something dishonest, hurtful and selfish to each other. Who is more in the wrong than the other is irrelevant.

    What matters now is if you both have the strength, and the love for each other to work through this phase in your relationship and learn to forgive one another.

    Remember though that forgiveness isn't something you say, it's something you feel deep inside you, it feels a lot like calm or peacefulness, and its not something that comes over night or which just happens because you both shake hands and have makeup sex. Forgiveness often also comes from realising who your partner really is, warts and all, and knowing that in spite of the things they do which you wish they didn't do (or hadn't done) that you still love them and want to be with them in any case.

    If you love each other then really forgiving each other is worth it, and it will quite likely happen, but also remember that being able to forgive someone comes in its own time and just because one or other of you gets to that point that doesn't mean that the other will necessarily be at that point at the same time and people take as long as they take. If you're both patient and kind and willing to do what it takes to rebuild the trust in your relationship then you can get through this, and the bonus could be that your relationship is stronger and more fulfilling as a result.
     
  15. D_Hanky Philler

    D_Hanky Philler Account Disabled

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    thanks for everyone's input.
     
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