1. B_Hung Muscle

    B_Hung Muscle New Member

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    If you're married or in a committed relationship, how would you define cheating?

    -- a strong emotional bond with another person
    -- having intercourse with another person
    -- having any kind of sexual activity which involves an orgasm
    -- having sex without an orgasm
    -- phone or cyber sex
    -- cruising around LPSG
    -- looking at someone else lustfully
    -- masturbating without your partner


    If you're straight, is it not cheating if you hook up with someone of your same gender?

    Have you cheated by your own definition? Has your spouse, or spousal equivalent cheated?

    Do you feel guilty about it? Did you break up over it -- or do a Hillary Clinton?
     
  2. SomeGuyOverThere

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    Personally I'd define cheating as sexual activity with another person who is not your partner and whom your partner is not aware of and has not given his or her agreement to.
     
  3. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    I would define it as deliberately contravening a specific agreement to an exclusive sexual relationship. unless you've actually taken the time to sit down and thrash out an "exclusive contract" with your partner(s), it's hardly fair to expect them to only have sex with you (or vice versa).
     
  4. DC_DEEP

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    If you have to lie about it (telling the person you are about to do that you are single) or if you have to lie about it to your partner, then it is cheating.
     
  5. txquis

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    Combine what SomeGuyOverThere said with what Dr. Rock said.
    Well said.

    Specifically in my own life, cheating would mean only mean physical activity with another person, not the other things on the list.

    But, i have known partners who set up rules that are very rigid...so,
    i suppose cheating is, as dr rock said, breaking whatever agreement was made.
     
  6. mordecai17

    mordecai17 New Member

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    Cheating is breaking the rules set by the relationship. My only rules would be no sexual physical activity with another person if was a serious relationship. The other person can talk, fantasize, or do whatever else they want. I want to bring up something I've thought about for a while now. If I have a girlfriend, and if she were to say "I want to fuck that guy" I would be pissed, jealous, etc. But if she said that about another girl, I would be turned on. I don't think thats right, its still another person, it would still be cheating, but for some reason I wouldn't care. Whats up with this.
     
  7. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    Cheating is peeking at somebody else's test paper.
    Cheating is lying to the IRS about your income.
    Cheating is disconnecting your car's odometer.
    Cheating is lying about your dick size.
    Cheating is puffing up your resume'.
    Cheating is dropping a quarter in the collection plate at church.

    Cheating is promising "I do" when you don't really plan to.
     
  8. Lex

    Lex
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    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams




    <!--QuoteBegin-mordecai17
    @Sep 16 2005, 11:32 AM
    Cheating is breaking the rules set by the relationship.
    [/quote]

    These tend to encompass my definition of cheating. I know that a lotof peopel may not approve or fully understand the boundaries of my marriage but Our Current Agreement is that we have a "Closed Loop"--me, her and Jeff. Therefore, although I have a wife and a BF, I am not breaking the rules of either relationship--I am either with Him or Her--but no one else. I once heard that "if you wouldn&#39;t do it with your partner there, don&#39;t do it when they aren&#39;t around."

    I tend to feel that the emotional intimacy is MUCH more dangerous to a relationship than the sexual stuff. My wife was initially much more bothered by the fact that I loved someone else (in addition to her) than by the fact that we were having sex.
     
  9. madame_zora

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    I agree with everyone here, cheating is about breaking promises. Why lie to someone you claim to love? If we don&#39;t set ourselves up for this, we are not likely to let ourselves down.

    Everyone is responsible to conduct themselves according to their own character. I would never dream of promising someone exclusivity unless I had considered it carefully and was sure that was what I wanted. If I enter into something knowing that is a boundary, then if I ever have need to change that boundary, I owe it to my partner to have a discussion about it before anything actually happens. That way, they have a free choice as to whether to stay, but the sneaking and hiding is eliminated. This is how I act NOW.

    Yes, I have cheated and been cheated on. I honestly think fidelity by both parties is very rare. Mostly, it&#39;s a man-made system to make men (and women) feel awful about themselves, keeps us depressed and feeling indaequate. If you have cheated, you are not alone. Monogamy is not a natural state for human beings, so imposing a system that is against our general nature is sure to leave many if not most of us letting ourselves and our partners down.
     
  10. KinkGuy

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    There have, on occassion been other people involved in my and my partners life, sexually, both individually and as a group. It was not cheating. Why? Because it was defined and agreed upon...in advance. However, if I let some other guy suck me off, or I stuck my dick in anyone other than my S.O., (either male or female) and kept it a secret, then that would be cheating.

    We all have to construct our marriages-relationships-partnerships in the way that best suits only the individuals involved.

    I am deeply loved and love without bounds some of the people in my life. My absolute best friends (one a gay man and another who is female) know, share and discuss things with me that even my lover of 9 years doesn&#39;t know. And I have never had sex with either one. Is that cheating? No, it is not. Because my partner and I are open, honest and secure.
     
  11. Geekyraccoon

    Geekyraccoon New Member

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    Monogamy isn&#39;t the natural state for almost any animal. There are about 4 different mammals for whom it is, and humans aren&#39;t one of them. Most species that live in communities have some form of dominance whereby the alpha male mates with all the women, and no other male does.

    The concept of monogamy in humans was invented primarily to ensure paternity. In a male-dominated culture, knowing a man&#39;s heirs is important. It&#39;s very easy to determine the mother, so to ensure the identity of the father, we made sure he was the only possible one. That&#39;s why society long held (holds?) very different standards for men and women where adultery is concerned.
     
  12. zaphod

    zaphod New Member

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    You guys are just making it too complicated.
    Cheating is doing something with someone else that you don&#39;t want your partner to find out about.
     
  13. B_Hung Muscle

    B_Hung Muscle New Member

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    But isn&#39;t there room in a relationship for private space? Like, if you&#39;re married and you don&#39;t want your wife to find out that you&#39;re on LPSG and jerked off to a guy&#39;s picture -- is that cheating by your definition? Or do you need to have another person involved to constitute cheating -- like having cyber or cam-sex?
     
  14. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    I used to feel like Madame Zora until I met my current mate. I&#39;ve cheated and been cheated on and it feels horrible either way. My last boyfriend wanted us to have 3-ways and orgies and call me old fashioned...I wasn&#39;t into it. I&#39;ve cheated to get revenge for cheating which is asinine. I&#39;ve now been in a relationship for 5 years and haven&#39;t cheated. I came close once (I&#39;m only human) but I didn&#39;t do it. My partner isn&#39;t the cheating type...I say you either are or aren&#39;t. I am but I&#39;m reformed and can exercise some self control. I used to just fuck whoever I wanted and thought it was OK if nobody found out. When I had the tables turned on me and found out my boyfriend was only faithful when I was in town I was heartbroken.

    Bottom line is (and this is my acid test): If your partner was there seeing you do____________ would they be hurt and consider it cheating? Conversely, if you saw your partner doing what you&#39;re doing (or about to do) how would it make you feel? There are all kinds of relationships out there. As long as both parties are fine with what&#39;s going on, more fun for them.
     
  15. neworlnssteel

    neworlnssteel New Member

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    Man this is a wierd one for me cause I am going throught this delimma now.My boyfriend is always talking and fantasizing about a friend of ours constatntly even when we are in bed. He wants to do a four way with this friend and his husband which I would enjoy but I dont know if doing that will cause more problems. This other guys dick is also bigger than mine and my boyfrined knows that and comments on it. When I express my concerns on him doing something behind my back he calls me crazy for thinking that even though he gives me reasons to. Should I be jealous or is he just innocently fantasizing? I feel that emotionally he is cheating on me by fanatasizing and talking about him so much even though he may never physically cheat on me.
     
  16. Imported

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    orionsword57: Cheating takes on so many implications having to do with why one cheats. I would have never cheated on my wife while she was alive, but I have had long term sexual relationships with 4 married women in my life... 1 before marriage, 3 after becoming widowed. I felt very guilty about the first cheating after marriage, but not at all about the alst two due to the particular circumstances involved. Most of the women I have been with have cheated at one or more times in their life in one form or another. All I&#39;m saying is that it isn&#39;t simple to put a black or white on things like this, although I&#39;m sure I sound like a cad.
     
  17. DC_DEEP

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    This sounds a bit unhealthy, on both sides. A fantasy is one thing, an obsession is something else entirely. Being jealous of a fantasy is not healthy, either. It sounds like you have discussed this at some length, and still cannot come to a comfortable agreement.

    This seems to be another case where you both need to (temporarily) put this specific issue aside, and more clearly outline for each other what your relationship goals are, and which general and specific things are desired, which are acceptable, and which are not tolerable.

    My current love (together a little over 4 years) and I started our relationship understanding that we were not going to be exclusive. Our basic rule is "safe, sane, and consensual." That is bounded by an understanding that honesty is above all else. We most usually have someone join us together as a couple, but occasionally do things apart. What is important is that we are open. He is usually the one who finds others to join us, and always says "X wants to come over to play. Is that ok?" It usually is.

    The important thing is that there is agreement. If I told him no, and he invited someone over while I was not home, the fireworks would definitely start - and trust me, I would know. It is just much easier and healthier to ensure that if you are in a relationship with someone, you have the same goals and limits.
     
  18. viking

    viking New Member

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    WOW,

    Here goes.

    Cheating, is it always the wrong thing to do?
    I ask myself that often.

    My wife is very ill. I love her very much.
    I would never think of hurting her. I care for her (litterally) every day.
    She has lots of pain and can sometimes not rise from bed without help.
    Our sex life is off and on, depending on drugs, disease acivity, depression.

    Most of my energy is spent on making her comfortable and keeping her as well as I can.

    This leaves very little for ME. No time, no attention, no personal satisfaction, no hobbies, no sports, no friends, no privacy. Most of the time no sex for months at a time. My feelings of sacrifice and lonliness run deep. I need something for ME, someone to focus their attention on MY needs, just once in a while.

    For me it has nothing to do with my wife at all. Occasionally, I get my cock sucked by a guy.
    I&#39;ve mentioned before that there are plenty of guys here in SF who are more than happy to suck my dick. They don&#39;t want anything from me except to give ME pleasure. I get a few minutes of attention. Someone to tell me how great I am, how sexy I am, how he loves my cock, how he will suck me off anytime I want him to. And then I go on my way.

    Most of the time I don&#39;t even know his name. He never knows mine.

    I think it helps keep me sane. I know it helps keep me from becoming resentful.
    My therapist thinks I&#39;m responding to the lack of intimacy that long term chronic illness can sometimes create.

    My wife does not know. I don&#39;t want her to know. I know she already feels guilty about our sex life. She worries that I&#39;ll leave her for lack of sexual intimacy. I assure her that it will never happen.

    I listen to what Lex says about his closed loop relationship and have considered that. Really though, I don&#39;t want a relationship with anyone else. I&#39;ve finally figured out that for me, it&#39;s about release, it&#39;s about attention, it&#39;s about praise and yes, it&#39;s selfish. And it&#39;s dishonest.

    I feel that I deserve to be selfish for a few minutes, to focus on my own needs and to do something for myself because it makes me feel better, if only for a short time.

    Cheating?? yes, I suppose so.

    Is there another way to deal with my lonliness? Probably, but I haven&#39;t found it yet.
     
  19. B_Hung Muscle

    B_Hung Muscle New Member

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    eb, you&#39;re far from alone in seeing the many shades of gray in the issue.
     
  20. KinkGuy

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    Mr. Viking,
    First, you are an honorable, honest, loving and giving person. Do not forget that.

    One of the toughest positions to be in is that of a caregiver. Your needs, desires and emotions become secondary.

    If you can maintain your strength and sanity by receiving some occasional worship, intimacy and a well deserved orgasm, don&#39;t feel guilty. Your primary goal is the wellness, comfort and care of your wife. Whom, it is apparent, you love deeply.

    Don&#39;t tell her&#33;&#33;&#33; You yourself stated she is feeling guilty enough. Feeling like a burden to you, is probably just about as painful for her as the illness.

    Viking needs to focus on himself briefly once in a while and if this seems to work and take some of the pressure off, do it. If you don&#39;t stay well adjusted, healthy and strong, you won&#39;t be of much use to your wife.

    We all find solutions to any given problem or situation in our own way. It&#39;s yours and yours alone. Criticism and opinions or judgments about your solution, however temporary it may need to be before your wife is well and able to again satisfy you again, are certainly nothing you need to concern yourself with.
     
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