Cheating

[jxh333]

The other day I found out my boyfriend of 6 months has been cheating on me.
Not just once, but dozens of times, with the same people, as recently as a few weeks ago.
It was my first real relationship. I loved him so much, and letting him go was the hardest thing I think I've ever done in my life.

I just don't understand how anyone can cheat.
I can't even live with the guilt of keeping the money when people give me too much change. Nor can I understand people who sleep with people who they know aren't single - it's just as bad.

He was the first male I slept with, he helped me come to terms with my own homosexuality, and perhaps I relied on him too much.

But I'm scared now I'll never trust anyone again.
I hate how sleazy and moral-less the gay community is on the whole.
Bar one couple, every single gay guy at my University is sleazy. Cheating, sleeping around, fucking each other over, I thought he was different but apparently not.

What's the point of this rant you might ask.
It always helps to just write down your thoughts.
I'd like to look back at this one day and see how much better things are from this rock bottom, and even if this inspires just one other person to reconsider cheating on their partner, then it'll have made the world of difference.
:sorry:

 

[B_enzia35]

People suck.

 

[Spectacle]

My first girlfriend actually lost her virginity to someone else while we were dating. It was heart breaking, and it really is hard to trust people again, but I've been dating a girl now for 2 and a half years, and although it's taken a long time, I trust her.

You'll always be able to move on, and with time, it'll get easier. Don't worry about it.

 

[ruffboy]

other people choosing to cheat is other people exercising control in their lives. YOU need to choose to trust again and exercise positive control in your own life. do not allow the negative actions of others to dictate how you live your own life.

 

[PornForPatric]

I was with a guy for 7 years and the bastard cheated on me. It makes it really difficult when you start dating someone new to trust them. It is always in the back of your mind. Eventually, you just have to keep telling yourself that this is a new person, a new relationship and you can't hold them accountable for the actions of the last person you dated. Yes, it is difficult to trust someone again, but you have to make the effort and overcome the fear of being cheated on again.

Not all gay guys (or straight guys for that matter) are cheaters. I've been dating since I was 13 and I've never cheated on any man I was dating.

 

[ShannonH]

Sorry to hear that. With sex you have to make yourself physically vulnerable to someone, but with love you have to trust them with your whole heart. Not everyone always deserves that trust, and I hope you know that he should be ashamed for betraying you. Cheating says nothing bad about the person who was cheated on; it only shows how weak the cheater was. You should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to open up and take a risk with another person. Have some faith that you'll find someone else later on who deserves your love.

 

[ConstantComment]

****The other day I found out my boyfriend of 6 months has been cheating on me.****

How did you find out? One way to minimise the chances that you will be cheated on is to find someone who is comfortable disclosing things like their e-mail account, phone account and so on.

Also, there is a difference between those who cheat as a matter of habit. They cheat because of the thrill in cheating, the sneaking around, the newness of the person and so forth.......

and then some people cheat because they have checked out of the relationship emotionally before they have physically. The other partner may have seen it coming.

I say this so that you can feel that you have some control over your love life. Not complete control. But in this instance, you may have picked someone who is a serial cheater and after that, there's not much you can do.

For other situations, you can talk about the both of you avoiding situations that could lead to cheating. And both of you can disclose your personal accounts to that each other can feel that they have an opening into that part of thier partner's life. The other issue here is to learn to be sensitive to your partner's need. One thing that I have learned is that at some point when your partner continues to raise the same issue that you continue to ignore, it chips away at the relationship and this leads to cheating. I'm not condoning it but it is worth considering.

 

[dandelion]

other people choosing to cheat is other people exercising control in their lives. YOU need to choose to trust again and exercise positive control in your own life. do not allow the negative actions of others to dictate how you live your own life.

hey, well said that man. Though I would put it a little differently, decide what you want and hold out for that.

But....do not go out there believing everyone else thinks like you do, because they dont. Now me, I have always been totally the opposite. Sex is this fantastic thing worth doing at every opportunity. I think the evidence is this view comes naturally to a lot of men. I do not associate sex as a thing I just do with one special individual. There is nothing wrong with my view or yours, the difficulty comes when two people come together with different assumptions of what they expect. This is an experience thing. You can and will find people who have the same view as you, but it is one more of those awkward things you have to find out about at the start of a relationship. Which is especially hard as the last thing anyone wants to talk about when they meet someone new is exactly how they feel about the other and what they hope for.

I have always thought you cannot own someone. If they want to stay with you they will, and if they dont they wont. People will adapt to you and what you want from a relationship if they love you, but there is a limit to how much and forcing more is probably not a good start for a long term relationship.

For other situations, you can talk about the both of you avoiding situations that could lead to cheating. And both of you can disclose your personal accounts to that each other can feel that they have an opening into that part of thier partner's life.

I could not accept that. Any relationship where you are spending all your time checking up on the other isnt going to work out. You have to trust. Or, at least, you have to have ground rules on what is a step too far. But the other person has to do this willingly, or if they cant you have to accept them as a package deal.

 

[Stephenmass]

My very first b/f did the same to me. I ended it. It hurt; I got over it. Takes time to get over it but you will and now you are more educated as a result. One thing I would do if noone mentioned it as yet (because of his cheating); I would go get the full battery of sexually transmitted disease tests to make sure you are clean. From there, assuming you are clean, hold your head up high. You were not the cheater, he was and you deserve better than that because YOU are better than that!!!

 

[D_Billy_Buttram]

My very first b/f did the same to me. I ended it. It hurt; I got over it. Takes time to get over it but you will and now you are more educated as a result. One thing I would do if noone mentioned it as yet (because of his cheating); I would go get the full battery of sexually transmitted disease tests to make sure you are clean. From there, assuming you are clean, hold your head up high. You were not the cheater, he was and you deserve better than that because YOU are better than that!!!

Everything he said! Sorry to hear this happened to you. It sucks and is going to probably suck for a while. But it'll get better

 

[deleted3782]

Its hard to find a silver lining in an experience like this. In my own experience, I have lost a little trust each time I've been cheated on to the point that after several bad relationships there isn't much trust left. I suppose one take-away is that you need to take care of yourself and be suspicious in future relationships. Its romantic to trust someone 100%, but not very practical. However, in as many ways that this sort of exerience impacts the way you deal with people externally, I think you need to invest effort to not letting these experiences control your perceptions internally. Don't let something like this cause you to shut down to others. Don't let this make you think all gay men are sleazy, cheating, and fucking each other...because we aren't all that way. I hope you can make this an experience that you look back on as the point you got smarter, a little more real, and opened up the opportunity for you to meet someone truely amazing who shares the same values of monogamy and relationships that you share.

The alternative is that you grow old, bitter, and alone...and that's not a very nice way to live your life.

 

[mickstl]

Its hard to find a silver lining in an experience like this. In my own experience, I have lost a little trust each time I've been cheated on to the point that after several bad relationships there isn't much trust left. I suppose one take-away is that you need to take care of yourself and be suspicious in future relationships. Its romantic to trust someone 100%, but not very practical. However, in as many ways that this sort of exerience impacts the way you deal with people externally, I think you need to invest effort to not letting these experiences control your perceptions internally. Don't let something like this cause you to shut down to others. Don't let this make you think all gay men are sleazy, cheating, and fucking each other...because we aren't all that way. I hope you can make this an experience that you look back on as the point you got smarter, a little more real, and opened up the opportunity for you to meet someone truely amazing who shares the same values of monogamy and relationships that you share.

The alternative is that you grow old, bitter, and alone...and that's not a very nice way to live your life.

The pig that would cheat on you is a damn fool...just sayin'...

 

[badger2395]

other people choosing to cheat is other people exercising control in their lives. YOU need to choose to trust again and exercise positive control in your own life. do not allow the negative actions of others to dictate how you live your own life.

While this is a bit in-your-face, it is indeed quite correct. Don't let the actions of others push you off-balance. Live the life you want to live, not the one that is driven by reactions to others.

 

[ConstantComment]

I always ask how do people find out that their partner was cheating. Could the OP please answer that. It could give us insight as to what to take note of in a relationship.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

How did you find out? One way to minimise the chances that you will be cheated on is to find someone who is comfortable disclosing things like their e-mail account, phone account and so on. [...]
And both of you can disclose your personal accounts to that each other can feel that they have an opening into that part of thier partner's life.

I could not accept that. Any relationship where you are spending all your time checking up on the other isnt going to work out. You have to trust. Or, at least, you have to have ground rules on what is a step too far. But the other person has to do this willingly, or if they cant you have to accept them as a package deal.

I agree with dandelion - I just couldn't do the thing whereby default Hick had access to all my channels of communication and I to his. It's not that either of us have anything to hide, it's that we trust each other and the trust is an important part of our bond. We use each other's computers and many times I have sat down at a screen to see his email open or his LPSG or his facebook - all I ever do is log him off, if I know he's done, or minimise that browser and open a different one so I can log on to my shit without disturbing his session.

And if I ever had the slightest concern something was going on that I might not be OK with I would talk to him about it - I wouldn't go sneaking around his email accounts.

And to jxh333 - please understand that this isn't 'the gay community', this is some people you know who happen to be gay. Plus you are in university, younger people do tend to be more likely to be libido driven - I'm not saying that makes it OK, just that you are in a situation where you are going to see more of that.

The person who hurt you is representative only of himself - he's not all men, he's not all gay men and he's not all gay men his age. He's just himself. And the next guy will be a different 'just himself'.

 

[ConstantComment]

And to jxh333 - please understand that this isn't 'the gay community', this is some people you know who happen to be gay. Plus you are in university, younger people do tend to be more likely to be libido driven - I'm not saying that makes it OK, just that you are in a situation where you are going to see more of that.

I think age can be a factor in cheating. 1) People haven't experienced the devestation that's felt when cheating occurs. 2) The opportunity to cheat is greater: ie more single people around; fewer other responsibilities and so on.

When I was younger I played it fast and loose. But I wouldn't do it now. This is one of the benefits of getting older and dting older people.

 

[sexplease]

Let's clear up a few things.
1): Relationship. A trial relationship. That is what the first few, or so, relationships are called. Trial. You learn valuable things about yourself and others, specifically in this case - being cheated on. Which brings us to...

2). Cheating. It (or something) is ONLY cheating if you had some sort of agreement that was broken.
Did you? a verbal one? Such as: "we promise to not have sex or sleep or pork other people." Probably not. Most people, often in trial relationships, fail at clearly expressing their wants and needs and ASSUME MONOGAMY of their partner.
Monogamy is chosen for oneself. It cannot be forced on another person. If it is, it will not last.

3) Don't be so hard on yourself or others. That is youthful but selfish. That's not how we treat our friends. Perhaps your lover should be a friend first.
People, especially hormonal college-age guys, want to have fun. And Sex is fun. Load of fun. When you really REALLY love someone, shouldn't you be happy if they are happy? And, if they are happy skydiving, or camping or dining or having sex with other people, you may not like it, but sticking out your bottom lip and pouting and stomping your feet will not make you more desirable. Find someone who is more compatible with your needs AND wants. Open, honest communication often clears the air.

4) Safe Sex. Know your status. Get tested ... ya never know where else ex Billy-Bob stuck his tally-whacker.

5) I know it seems like bottom, having your heart and feeling screwed with, but don't let this first one weigh heavy on you. You have years ahead with friends and family. Hopefully you will have a friend as a partner that one day becomes your family too.