Cheating

[erpap]

most of us know cheating is not right, but people still do it.

Where are your thoughts on the topic?

Have you done it?
Do want to do it, but feel bound by your relationship?
Do you go on sites looking but never follow through?
Do you think about it?

Thoughts, experiences?

 

[DSF140]

I've cheated and been cheated upon. I won't do it again nor will I tolerate it in others. It's painful. Both parties must be honest adults with each other.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

I make it known every time I see someone bragging about cheating that I think it's shit, scum behavior.

Currently I'm calling out someone in another thread for it here, right now.

It fucking grosses me out, and I don't respect people who do it. I'll explain a little as to why, other than the obvious reason:

I got punched in my face when a girlfriend came home and I was with her BF over 10 years ago. I was a bad person at the time, and there was no excuse for what I did. I deserved that fist, and I never cheated or helped someone cheat again. Not just because of that day. I realized and owned the fact that I was being a fucked up piece of shit. I didn't want to be that anymore, so I changed. I had been cheated on and used that as an excuse. That's all the fuck it was. A shit, bullshit excuse.

I will never do that to my man. Not only am I not tempted, but if I was, I would tell him and end it before acting on it. I would NEVER do that to him.

I didn't respect myself back then. I earned it back and have it today.

 

[Enid]

Like Ms TnJ said, it totally grosses me out. It's low moral character to not think about how your actions affect others and let your gonads and whims guide you.

I would not ever do that to someone.

Have I participated in cheating? Yea once that I knew of (after the fact), but unbeknownst to me at the time. Guy on a dating site. I went out with him a couple months. Come to find out he was married and his wife was away in a specialized grad school program. I dumped his ass when I found out, motherfucker had the gall to ream me out via text. I blocked his cheating, lying ass.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Hmmm.. the thread I was just talking about, where I was calling out someone for cheating/bragging about it disappeared.

I wonder why?

 

[Sagittarius84]

In my early 20s I too had a very black-and-white view of cheating. I simply cast off the men as losers with no self-control, and the women as lying sluts. Now having been cheated on, and subsequently cheating back, I have actually softened quite a bit on the issue. While I don't necessarily excuse the behavior, I'm nowhere near as quick to place moral judgment upon the cheater, because frankly, I think more people than we are willing to give credit to are driven to cheating by a combination of lack of communication and an inability, often outright unwillingness by their partner to hold up their end when it comes to intimacy. It's similar to how we see theft and homicide as objectively bad choices that people make, but will overlook the starving person that steals food, or the combatant that defends well being to the extreme.
Here's my take: because the preceding posts are really par for the course as far as opinions on cheaters/cheating, i think because the posters themselves can't imagine themselves exhibiting behaviors and withholding affections that motivate many to cheat, they have such an negative reaction to it...but as I said before I think cheatings "wrong" can be filed under the same "wrong" as theft, homicide, or even cannibalism; things none of us would intend to do under normal circumstances, but things we can be pushed to and have to reconcile within ourselves after the fact.

 

[MisterB]

I had two live-in loves who each cheated. Before agreeing to set up a joint household, we had specifically discussed that we would be monogamous. I was. They were not. It hurt. The kind of hurt I would not wish on anyone else.

It made me question myself. What had I done wrong? Why did I do or not do that made them cheat? Yep, it fucked up my head, big time. But I came out the other side knowing that I'm worth so much more than I felt in those two relationships.

So, when I met my Hubby, we had the same conversation as I'd had with my two previous paramours. I let Hubby know upfront that cheating was one of my dealbreakers. We're still together 41 years later.

Yes, you can be monogamous. And yes, it takes work. But any relationship does.

 

[erpap]

I’d love to know why people cheat, and I’m sure it differs from person to person. Is it just the sex or deeper issues

In my early 20s I too had a very black-and-white view of cheating. I simply cast off the men as losers with no self-control, and the women as lying sluts. Now having been cheated on, and subsequently cheating back, I have actually softened quite a bit on the issue. While I don't necessarily excuse the behavior, I'm nowhere near as quick to place moral judgment upon the cheater, because frankly, I think more people than we are willing to give credit to are driven to cheating by a combination of lack of communication and an inability, often outright unwillingness by their partner to hold up their end when it comes to intimacy. It's similar to how we see theft and homicide as objectively bad choices that people make, but will overlook the starving person that steals food, or the combatant that defends well being to the extreme.
Here's my take: because the preceding posts are really par for the course as far as opinions on cheaters/cheating, i think because the posters themselves can't imagine themselves exhibiting behaviors and withholding affections that motivate many to cheat, they have such an negative reaction to it...but as I said before I think cheatings "wrong" can be filed under the same "wrong" as theft, homicide, or even cannibalism; things none of us would intend to do under normal circumstances, but things we can be pushed to and have to reconcile within ourselves after the fact.

i see your point as well!

 

[deleted808122]

Hmmm.. the thread I was just talking about, where I was calling out someone for cheating/bragging about it disappeared.

I wonder why?

Because the event described took place when she was a minor.

 

[328982]

I have cheated twice - both unplanned events with previous lovers. I'm not personally comfortable with it and cheating is not pleasurable to me per se. I think for some habitual cheats, the cheating is almost an end in itself, the thrill of getting one over on another and getting away with it. I don’t like it or condone it but I'm not going to heap abuse on cheats either. There may be reasons, mitigations etc. and we need to take a more nuanced view. I feel it was wrong of me to cheat but frankly I've done worse things. Emotional dishonesty, meanness, neglect, coldness, withholding affection are just as damaging and harder to point the finger at.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Because the event described took place when she was a minor.

That's what I suspected.

 

[EllieP]

I was married at 18 to the only guy that paid any attention to me. He was really the second person that asked me on a date.

I got pregnant right away. We never had sex again until after I delivered. I should say I never had sex again. He had lots of sex - just not with me. When we finally split up over a year later some of my friends said they thought I knew. I didn't know a damn thing, and I found out they weren't really my friends.

My husband's first wife basically did the same thing to him. She'd tour with him and sleep with the crew. She tried to screw him over, but he had already protected himself because he suspected something. He did better than me.

So, we've both been cheated on before, and we swore that something we could never do to another person. It's so horrible to even think about. He told me point blank that he was taking a big chance marrying somebody like me who was younger than him. He knew he'd be on the road a lot. I said the same thing! He's desirable and in strange places all the time!

Our past keeps us honest.

I didn't cheat all the way, but I once was almost the other woman. It made me ill: Bad Dates, 2 | LPSG

 

[IntactMale]

I have never cheated and can say with as much certainty as I can about just about anything that I never will cheat. I have been cheated on by my first girlfriend, multiple times with different people. It hurt me so much that I don't think I would ever be capable of cheating on someone and giving them that same kind of pain.

I don't even understand cheating to be honest. If you want to be with someone else then your relationship isn't what you want. Either have an agreement that your relationship is open, or end it and be with whoever it is that you would be cheating with.

I feel like a lot of people don't understand how risky it is. I'm not talking about transmitting diseases or unwanted pregnancy. I know the absolute rage I felt when I found out that I was being cheated on. While I think I have decent self control I recognize that in that time I had very strong urges to do things that I don't even want to mention. Someone with less self control or more anger in that situation might have done the things I only thought about doing, I'm fairly certain that it actually happens every day.

 

[1359042]

I have never cheated and can say with as much certainty as I can about just about anything that I never will cheat. I have been cheated on by my first girlfriend, multiple times with different people. It hurt me so much that I don't think I would ever be capable of cheating on someone and giving them that same kind of pain.

I don't even understand cheating to be honest. If you want to be with someone else then your relationship isn't what you want. Either have an agreement that your relationship is open, or end it and be with whoever it is that you would be cheating with.

I feel like a lot of people don't understand how risky it is. I'm not talking about transmitting diseases or unwanted pregnancy. I know the absolute rage I felt when I found out that I was being cheated on. While I think I have decent self control I recognize that in that time I had very strong urges to do things that I don't even want to mention. Someone with less self control or more anger in that situation might have done the things I only thought about doing, I'm fairly certain that it actually happens every day.

Ya that's pretty shit boss. But I'd be lying if I said I never did it myself. I can feel empathy for you though.

 

[IntactMale]

Ya that's pretty shit boss. But I'd be lying if I said I never did it myself. I can feel empathy for you though.

Thanks, but I don't let it affect me too much now outside of how I treat relationships as a result of her behavior. It was a long time ago and I don't lose sleep over it. Besides, even though she kept cheating she always came back to me, at least until I stopped tolerating it.

Then again, I basically don't have relationships with anyone at this point, so maybe I'm lying to myself.

 

[HorseHung40's]

I have not done it, nor have I walked a mile in the shoes of those who do. By that, I mean that we don't have the full picture of the reasons that led to the cheating in the first place. Let us not judge so rashly.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Do want to do it, but feel bound by your relationship?
Do you go on sites looking but never follow through?
Do you think about it?

Responding specifically to these questions, i often think about fucking other women, probably made worse by me having reached a point in my physical development that i attract more sexual attention from women than i would have in yrs past. Opportunity, or really lack thereof, can be a powerful motivator for fidelity within a monogamous relationship, that is shaken once those opportunities start presenting themselves.
I wish I had the benevolence to state that my simple obligation to the relationship is why I don't cheat on my wife, but to be brutally honest, it's the probable consequences after the fact that really keep me from doing so; the messiness and costs associated with divorce..the fact I live in a mommy friendly state that will ensure I no longer have a decent amount of physical custody of my children..etc..

 

[Taya]

No to all. I have never done anything without his knowledge or prior consent. He rarely says "No" partly because I do not ask for something that he would reject. Cuts both ways.

For whatever the reason, I just don't understand how someone can deceive a person that they love and/or are in a relationship with. When you can talk and, 99% of the time, find a way. Beats me.

 

[Sagittarius84]

For whatever the reason, I just don't understand how someone can deceive a person that they love and/or are in a relationship with. When you can talk and, 99% of the time, find a way. Beats me.

Because you live by your 1st paragraph, a lot of people dont.
Also don't forget a lot of the bonds of monogamy and the expectation of sexual fidelity are weaponized within relationships as a form of behavioral control. People are quite often driven to do things in bondage that they wouldn't even consider while free.

 

[Taya]

Because you live by your 1st paragraph, a lot of people dont.
Also don't forget a lot of the bonds of monogamy and the expectation of sexual fidelity are weaponized within relationships as a form of behavioral control. People are quite often driven to do things in bondage that they wouldn't even consider while free.

I do not comprehend fidelity and honesty limited within any action or general perception. The mind is not only the key but also the main culprit in deception. A single thought can be a million times worse than any act if it is figured with cheating intended.

I am as free as one can be, do not accept any society based ruling or chain and whoever is not happy with that does not have to wait at the end of the isle. I do not need any man to make an honest woman of me. That is already done.

No feminism intended.