Chickened Out Last Minute. Need Help

imawhoreboi

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Hi so I've been wanting to hook up with guys for a few years and always end up chickening out, however, yesterday I ended up chickening out so close to actually meeting him at his place after talking a bit on grindr.

I was supposed to go over to his place and suck his dick, which I really wanted to do, and I ended up getting an uber and about half way there (5 minute drive total) and even ended up bringing a condom and lube in my jacket pocket just incase he wanted to fuck me. But I ended up asking the driver to drop me off at a store on the way to his place and told the guy that something came up and couldn't come by.

My question is, why do I keep chickening out? How do I stop myself from chickening out and actually fully go through with it, I know I want to. A lot of people tell me to meet a guy normally and start dating him or whatever to become more comfortable, but that isn't really my thing, I'd much rather just hook up.

Did anyone else here experience this and how did you finally push yourself to actually fully go through with it?
 
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SpeedThePlow

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You were facing a massive weight of things that cause anxiety: first time meeting this guy; an anon meet with all that entails; first time sucking, the thought in the back of your mind that you might have sex; maybe some guilt; maybe some generalised worry at the general sleaziness of it all. So much! It's totally understandable that you chickened out: your body was fighting about a zillion reasons to flee.

I hate to sound old fashioned, but I think you need to take it more slowly. I mean, I know it's next to impossible to go out to a bar and hook up, but you are going to need to get to know someone on the app, chat plenty, explain the situation, get comfortable, meet in public for a date first etc etc. Going from virgin to maybe getting fucked for the first time with a guy you don't know in a place you don't know is bound to be too much. Tell prospective hookups you have to take it a bit slow, insist on plenty of chat, swap face pics (snap or something) so you feel comfortable. If a guy can't put up with that, he's probably not the guy for you anyway!

And set yourself clear boundaries. You won't have sex (so don't take a condom*), because it just adds to the fear factor. You are clear what you are going to do. You know enough about the guy to know he's not going to turn out to be a fake, or someone you are not physically attracted to, or don't like. In other words, as close as an app can get, aim to replicate the sort of experience you would get if you met a physical person in a real-life environment with more safety and lower stakes.

If you just want to hook up then (pandemic permitting of course) you might consider something like a bath house. Sounds sleazy? Yup, maybe: but it's (relatively) speaking safe, and anon, and you get to see what you're in for.

* And, to be clear, I DON'T mean don't take a condom but have sex anyway. No sex. If you don't trust yourself, then take the condom. But I think you can assume that if he's the sort of guy who may have sex with you he'll have condoms and lube!
 

cedarizzo

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Never been with a guy. Also dont think its because of covid because I would chicken out even before covid happened :(
Okay. You have to do what feels right for you. But at the same time, you don't need to beat yourself up about having/not having sex.

You need to decide if you want to "test the waters" by hooking up with a random guy off of Grindr. Or maybe you would rather meet somebody who is going to be more than a one-time fling. There are no right or wrong choices. The only choice that matters is how you want it to happen.

My suggestion is when you see a guy you are interested in going further with, chat with him. Get to know him. Ask any questions you have. Once you feel comfortable, you will open yourself up to the idea of sex with him.

Your first time might be a wonderful time or it might be a disaster (mine was). But once you have your first experience (and the thrill or embarrassment has worn off), it will be much easier when it comes to the 2nd time, the 3rd time, the 4th time, etc.

Good luck
 
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Pat48081

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Speedtheplow makes a lot of good points. I've found the best plan is not to plan. It sounds like you've planned what's going to happen and then get stage fright. Just agree to meet and talk with the guy. Let nature take it's course.
 

MancmanMatt

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The others have covered this pretty much. I'm an impulse kind of guy, I don't plan ahead. That never works with hookups.

The only thing you want to have planned and discussed is exactly what you are going to do together. This helps prevent issues from occurring when you expect one thing and get another.

Don't discount Covid from getting in the way. Along with all the reasons Speed mentioned above Covid is still there in the back of your mind and will only add to the anxiety.

You might not be a date kind of guy, and maybe you just want to get some sexual experience with a man, to find out if men really are your thing, but you don't have to go on a proper date for the first time, that's too much. You could have a video chat on Whatsapp. You could ask him to meet you outside his flat, you can both go for a short walk along the main streets and sit on a bench, have a short chat about nothing in particular. I would have no problem doing any of this with a potential sex partner and if he won't do this just forget about him. Wait until you find someone who will do these things.

My next bit of advice is don't do anon and make sure you pick a guy who is obviously very comfortable with his sexuality. You don't want to meet with a closet case that will freak out because he just did gay sex, or meet with someone who's as nervous as you are. Don't worry about an out/proud gay guy outing you, we don't do that, so send him pictures of you so he feels comfortable meeting you too. If you're nervous you need someone grounded and friendly to help you feel at ease.
 

Marcbow

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I was like you I used to chicken out at the last minute until I spoke to a older guy on Grindr told him I was anxious about hook up we took it slowly met for a few drinks and went back to his place took it slowly undressed first he kissed me all over then I did the same he sucked my cock I literally forgot to breathe then I sucked his cock he asked if I wanted to go further which I did. We ended up having sex after that I met him again a few times each time it got better and haven’t looked back since.

You should let the hook up know u are anxious about ur first time. There are nice guys out there who will understand and take things slowly with you we all have had our first time once.
 
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OKCLane

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Going to make two observations. You’ve labeled yourself 50/50 on the gay/straight scale so perhaps you need to do some introspection and accept your sexuality, wherever it lies. This conflict may be the root of your reluctance to meet.
Your screen name is curious given the fact that you’ve never had sex with a male. It seems like you’ve created some fictional self based on too much porn? I’m wondering if you’ve had no sex with women either?
Find a sex therapist and get some help addressing these questions.