Children say the most darling of things...

[Kotchanski]

I just received an email with a bunch of snippets from children's school work and since it's reduced me to a giggling, crying mess, I thought I'd share (image attached, but typed here for ease of reading reasons)

History

In wartime children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country

Maths

The total is when you add up all the numbers. A remainder is an animal that pulls santa on his slay

History

Sometimes in the war they take prisners and keep them as ostriges until the war is over. Some prisners end up in consterpation camps

Religious studies

A mosque is a sort of church. The main difference is that its roof is doomed.

Religious studies

I asked my mum why we said old men at the end of prayers at skool, I don't know any old men apart from gradpa

Holidays

On our activities holiday dad wanted to ride the hores, but mom said they were too ekspensiv

Maths

I would like to be an accountant but you have to know a lot about moths

Geography

The closest town to France is Dover. You can get to France on a train, or you can go on a fairy

Maths

If it is less than 90 degrees it is a cute angel

The arts

... and at the end of the show we all sing away in a manager

The arts

In last years christmas concert, Linzi played the main prat, I played one of the smaller prats and I would like to have a bigger prat this year

Science

Helicopters are cleverer than planes. Not only can they fly through the air, they can also hoover

History

Then Joan of Ark met her end. She was burned as a steak

Natural history

Crabs and creatures like them all belong to a family of crushed asians

Geography

In geography we learned that countries with sea around them are called islands and ones without sea are incontinents

Religious studies

If you marry two people you are a pigamist, but morons are allowed to do this

Geography

In scandinavia, the Danish people come from Denmark, the Norwegian people come from Norway, and the Lapdancers come from Lapland

 

[luka82]

Religious studies

If you marry two people you are a pigamist, but morons are allowed to do this
Hahahahaha

 

[nudeyorker]

Those were cute! I was talking to a friend of mine and after visitng Santa he wrote... "Santa is so big I don't think I could put my hands around his waste."

 

[ghb69]

Art Linkletter had a weekly show called. "Kids Say The Darndest Things". No wonder it was a big hit.

 

[D_Edwin Eatser]

I like the kid's reply to a history question, quoted in the UK press a while ago:

"Sir Francis Drake circumcised the globe with a 250 foot cutter"

 

[accemb]

"my grandfather used to go to work. Now he's retarded"

 

[luka82]

I like the kid's reply to a history question, quoted in the UK press a while ago:

"Sir Francis Drake circumcised the globe with a 250 foot cutter"

"my grandfather used to go to work. Now he's retarded"

Hahahah

 

[Pandora77]

Very cute. I recieved something similar a while ago:

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet.. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

 

[LittleDicky]

This comes from an elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

• In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

• Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

• Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

• The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

• Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

• David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

• When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

• The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

• One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

• Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 

[LittleDicky]

And...

This is a compilation of lines from student papers, collected by history and English teachers and put together by Richard Lederer...

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brothers birthmark. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by Camelot. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king who fought the Philatelists. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns-Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.

Eventually, the Ramones conquered the Greeks. Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

In the Middle Ages, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw. The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. The painter Donatello's interest in the female nude made him the father of the Renaissance. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Queen Elizabeth"s navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo. William Shakespeare wrote about Romeo and Juliet, a romantic couplet. Miguel Cervantes wrote "Donkey Hote." Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was that the English put tacks in their tea. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats backward.

Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy. He signed the Emasculation Proclomation. In 1865, Lincoln got shot by an actor in a moving picture. This ruined his career.

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when apples are falling off the trees. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. He expired in 1827, and later died from this.

Samual Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.