Christmas Funnies!

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Imported, Dec 3, 2003.

  1. Imported

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    tracksuitboy: If you know any, then post 'em here!
     
  2. Imported

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    tracksuitboy: On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.................

    14th December
    Dearest Darling John,
    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.With deep affection,

    Your ever loving Agnes.


    15th December
    My Dearest Darling John,
    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves. I'm delighted, they are adorable.
    All my love,
    Agnes


    16th December
    Dearest Darling John,
    Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.
    Your loving,
    Agnes



    17th December
    Dear John,
    What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the
    Postman this morning. Your kindness really is too much.
    Love Agnes



    18th December
    My Dear John
    What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.
    Love Agnes.


    19th December
    Dear John
    When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise! Please stop.
    Cordially yours,
    Agnes


    20th December
    What is it with you and these fucking birds? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place! Is it some sort of goddamned joke?
    The house is full of bird shit, and the racket!!! I am becoming a nervous wreck. It is not funny anymore, stop sending these fucking birds!!!

    Agnes.


    21st December
    OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows crapping all over the house and mooing all night long.
    FUCK OFF !!!!!!!
    Agnes.


    22nd December
    Look dickhead - what are you on?? You're having a laugh. Now I have nine pipers playing shite music constantly!!! And Christ do they play.... When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the Maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the fucking birds!!! The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
    Agnes.


    23rd December
    You are a fucking bastard!!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling the pipers all night long!!!!! The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation.
    FUCK OFF AND DIE JOHN, DO US ALL A FAVOUR!!!!!!!
    Agnes


    24th December
    Listen shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again. The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied? You wanker
    Your sworn enemy,

    Agnes.


    25th December
    You stinking lousy shit!!!! Twelve fucking drummers, banging their fucking drums all day long!!!! They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been buggering the cows and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids? They've probably drowned in the cow shit by now. The only way I have to saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the fucking pear tree which has been well fertilised by all this shit and has now grown through the roof!!!!!
    Big hairy bollocks to you,
    Agnes.
     
  3. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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  4. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    Twelve days of fast food


    On the first day of Christmas,
    my drive through gave to me:
    a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

    On the second day of Christmas,
    my drive through gave to me:
    Two Happy Meals,
    and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

    On the third day of Christmas,
    my drive through gave to me:
    Three Biggie Fries,
    Two Happy Meals,
    and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

    On the fourth day of Christmas,
    my drive through gave to me:
    Four Egg McMuffins,
    Three Biggie Fries,
    Two Happy Meals,
    and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

    On the fifth day of Christmas,
    my drive through gave to me:
    Five onion rings,
    Four Egg McMuffins,
    Three Biggie Fries,
    Two Happy Meals,
    and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

    On the sixth day of Christmas,
    My drive through gave to me:
    Six chocolate milkshakes,
    Five onion rings,
    Four Egg McMuffins,
    Three Biggie Fries,
    Two Happy Meals,
    and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

    On the seventh day of Christmas,
    My drive through gave to me:
    Seven pints of cole slaw,
    Six chocolate milkshakes,
    Five onion rings,
    Four Egg McMuffins,
    Three Biggie Fries,
    Two Happy Meals,
    and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

    On the eighth day of Christmas,
    My drive through gave to me:
    Eight bowls of chili,
    Seven pints of cole slaw,
    Six chocolate milkshakes,
    Five onion rings,
    Four Egg McMuffins,
    Three Biggie Fries,
    Two Happy Meals,
    and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

    On the ninth day of Christmas,
    My drive through gave to me:
    Nine polish hot dogs,
    Eight bowls of chili,
    Seven pints of cole slaw,
    Six chocolate milkshakes,
    Five onion rings,
    Four Egg McMuffins,
    Three Biggie Fries,
    Two Happy Meals,
    and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

    On the tenth day of Christmas,
    My drive through gave to me:
    Ten baked potatoes,
    Nine polish hot dogs,
    Eight bowls of chili,
    Seven pints of cole slaw,
    Six chocolate milkshakes,
    Five onion rings,
    Four Egg McMuffins,
    Three Biggie Fries,
    Two Happy Meals,
    and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

    On the eleventh day of Christmas,
    My drive through gave to me:
    Eleven chicken nuggets,
    Ten baked potatoes,
    Nine polish hot dogs,
    Eight bowls of chili,
    Seven pints of cole slaw,
    Six chocolate milkshakes,
    Five onion rings,
    Four Egg McMuffins,
    Three Biggie Fries,
    Two Happy Meals,
    and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.


    On the twelfth day of Christmas,
    My drive through gave to me:
    Twelve Alka Seltzers,
    Eleven chicken nuggets,
    Ten baked potatoes,
    Nine polish hot dogs,
    Eight bowls of chili,
    Seven pints of cole slaw,
    Six chocolate milkshakes,
    Five onion rings,
    Four Egg McMuffins,
    Three Biggie Fries,
    Two Happy Meals,
    and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
     
  5. Imported

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    Tender: well Pecker you know what they say about 13 being unlucky.....
    sounds like theyll haul you off in a buggy....
    then wifey can sue the drive through and gets lots of dough....
    :D
    Tender
     
  6. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    Shortly after Christmas, the teacher of a kindergarten class announced that if they wanted to, each child would be given the opportunity to tell about ONE special gift they had received.

    The first little girl stood and said "I got a bow-wow from my Daddy."

    The teacher addressed the class and sternly told them that they were certainly old enough to know and use the correct names for things, and that she didn't want to hear any more baby talk. She then asked the little girl if she could think of another word for her gift, one that grown-ups would use.

    The little girl replied, "I got a puppy-dog from my Daddy."

    The teacher praised her lavishly and went on to the next child, a boy.

    "I got a choo-choo for Christmas," he beamed.

    Again the teacher chided the little tyke and asked him to think of another name to describe his gift.

    "I got an Electric Train for Christmas!" he said after mulling it over. The teacher praised him for his efforts.

    The next little boy, a normally very quiet kid, stood and said, "I got a book" and sat down.

    Seeing an opportunity to draw him out a little, the teacher asked "And what was the title of your book?"

    The little guy hesitated, and then, with a serious face and a knitted brow began obvious mental efforts. After a couple of minutes of deep thinking his face brightened and he replied,

    "Winnie, the Shit."
     
  7. Imported

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    wvalady1968: Santa's Pick Up Lines

    "I know when you've been bad or good, so let's skip the small talk, Sister."

    "Hey, Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?"

    "Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?"

    "Some of my best toys run on batteries."

    "I see you when you're sleeping, and you don't wear any underwear, do you?"

    "Screw the 'nice' list. I've got you on my 'nice AND naughty' list!"

    "Wanna join the 'Mile High Club'?"

    "That's not a candy cane in my pocket. Honey, I'm glad to see you."
     
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