Chuck Norris facts

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by B_tallbig, Nov 17, 2007.

  1. B_tallbig

    B_tallbig New Member

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    How many here have read the chuck Noris facts ? Actually to me some of them are really funny.
     
  2. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out so he gets the pleasure.
     
  3. B_tallbig

    B_tallbig New Member

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    Chuck Norris calendar go straight to March31 to April second; not one fool Chuck Noris.

    Chuck Norris Once visited the Virgin Isalnd Now are the Islands..

    Chuck Norris tears cure cancer too bad he never cries.

    Chuck Norris dont sleep he waits.

    Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

    Chuck Noris dont read books . He stares them down until he get the information he wants.

    Chuck Norrs isnt hung like a horse ... horses are hung like chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris dont use pick up lines he simple says now !!!

    Chuck Norris secretly sleep with every woman in the world once a month . They bleed for a week as a result.
     
  4. stevejames

    stevejames New Member

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    Is his size an urban myth, or is there actual evidence somewhere?
     
  5. B_tallbig

    B_tallbig New Member

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    I dont know if chuck Norris is hung or not
     
  6. invisibleman

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    Tsk, Chuck Norris is a vogueing diva with a Louis Vuitton purse! :tongue:
     
  7. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    Chuck Norris really had his chest hair ripped out in WAY OF THE DRAGON by Bruce Lee, but didn't scream.
     
  8. Elmer Gantry

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    Chuck Norris speaks Braille.
     
  9. B_ScaredLittleBoy

    B_ScaredLittleBoy New Member

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    Chuck Norris isn't scared of the dark. The dark is scared of Chuck Norris.
     
  10. SpoiledPrincess

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    He's quite ugly isn't he.
     
  11. B_tallbig

    B_tallbig New Member

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    That is blasphemy to our god Chuck Norris :biggrin1::biggrin1::biggrin1::biggrin1::biggrin1:
     
  12. odd_fish_9

    odd_fish_9 New Member

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    Not too long ago, during one of my occasional epiphanies, I realized that Steven Seagal movies are actually better than Chuck Norris movies.

    Except for the haircuts, of course.
     
  13. ruperty

    ruperty Member

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    1. Chuck Norris once beat the shit out of a kid so bad that he called the cops himself just so he could kick the shit out of them too...he is the law

    2. Chuck Norris jerks off he gets his hand pregnant

    3. Chuck Norris once hit a pig so hard with a loaf of bread in a garden it instantly made a BLT

    4. Every night before the boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuck Norris...every night before Chuck Norris goes to sleep he checks underneath his bed for Chuck Norris

    5. Chuck Norris is the only known person to ever do a body shot off of Mother Theresa

    6. Chuck Norris can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger and shit out a Big Mac with super-sized fries and a coke...and 2 monopoly pieces

    7. Chuck Norris can kill a grizzly bear with an airsoft gun...but he chooses to use only his bare hands to make it more fair

    8. Chuck Norris once won a game of beer pong when the ball exploded in mid air and a piece landed in all 5 cups...his opponents instantly went into shock and died shortly afterwards

    9. The dinosaurs were not killed off by the ice age..consider that another tally in the win column for Chuck Norris ...he felt it was time for some evolution

    10. When Chuck Norris eats pussy it's by means of chasing down a lion in the African savannah, beating it to death bare handed, and eating its raw flesh off the bone

    11. Once while hiking north of present day Maine, Chuck Norris whipped out his cock to take a piss and it extended to the Pacific Ocean...we now know the line he drew that day as the American/Canadian border

    12. Chuck Norris once had sex with a man just to see who would call him gay..after 27 reported deaths people began wising up

    13. God is afraid to use Chuck Norris's name in vain

    14. Chuck Norris can walk into any beer distributor in the USA claiming he is still 17 years old and still walk out with a keg over each shoulder

    15. Chuck Norris once began downloading a Briana Banks porno off the internet....several minutes later his doorbell rang and he came to find her naked on his front doorstep waiting eagerly on both knees...with mouth wide open

    16. Chuck Norris bit off Evander Holyfield's entire ear just to one up Mike Tyson

    17. Chuck Norris once swam across the Atlanic Ocean around the Tip of Africa and across the Indian Ocean all the way to Japan and threatened Sony to create a better system than the Playstation 2 or they would experience a travesty worse than Hiroshima and Nagasaki combined....helloooo Playstation 3!

    18. If you watch the movie Bambi in slow motion you can actually see Chuck Norris run across the screen and snap Bambi's mother's neck right before the hunter's bullet hits her

    19. Chuck Norris sank the Titanic...he's sick of that god damn iceberg taking all the credit

    20. When Chuck Norris eats at KFC he has a line of people waiting to lick his fingers

    21. Little Boy and Fat Man were actually created to take down Chuck Norris...once the government realized this plan would not work they dropped the bombs on Japan so they would not go to waste

    22. Chuck Norris was supposed to be in the Wizard of Oz..but when the wizard was about to grant him the blowjob he requested he punched him in the face and walked off the set laughing and uttering..."what a fag"

    23. Chuck Norris once talked himself out of a DUI...but still decided to snap the cop's neck and kill him as he was walking back to his car..because he needed a good halloween costume

    24. Chuck Norris was once too tired to have sex with a girl..so his dick detached itself..drove to the girl's house and did the work itself...and was still back in time to give him morning wood

    25. Chuck Norris was denied from appearing in the movie Fight Club because the makers knew he would take it too far...they did not want to have to call it Death Club

    26. Chuck Norris once killed a man by simply pointing at him and saying.."bang"

    27. Chuck Norris grows when he eats mushrooms and can shoot fireballs out of his hands

    28. Chuck Norris could not pop his collar even if he wanted to..because his collar is too afraid to get that close to his neck

    27. Chuck Norris once had sex with a girl in California from Pennsylvania

    29. Chuck Norris foresaw and could have prevented the death's of both Tupac and Biggie Smalls.....but what the fuck did they ever do for Chuck Norris?

    30. Chuck Norris apologizes for the tsunami of 2004...he never knew doing a cannonball into the ocean would cause so much damage...once again...his bad

    31. Chuck Norris once fended off a great white shark by getting a massive erection and stabbing it in the gills...this was the last reported shark attack on a human being

    32. Chuck Norris has never patted himself on the back because even his own back could not handle that amount of force

    33. If you look into Chuck Norris's eyes you can see only hatred...If Chuck Norris looks into your eyes you better fucking run

    34. Chuck Norris's character was removed from Mortal Kombat because no other character could ever defeat him...not even Goro..and he had 4 arms and was half dragon

    35. Chuck Norris can cause a solar eclipse by flexing his biceps

    36. Jesus got What Would Chuck Norris do? tattooed on his arm

    37. Chuck Norris was born through means of a c-section...after stealing the first seven doctor's knives and stabbing them in the heart..the 8th doctor was smart enough to lure him out with a cold beer...but don't think Chuck took it easy on him

    38. Chuck Norris puts up blank away messages because no one needs to know what the fuck he's doing

    39. Chuck Norris ventures to Spain every year for the running of the bulls...only he runs towards the bulls, which in turn run from...and ultimately end up dead

    40. When Chuck Norris goes to donate sperm he brings along a 20 gallon trashcan and a naked picture of himself

    41. The only time Chuck Norris ever gets scared is when looking into a mirror...once he realizes he's straring at himself he breathes a sigh of relief and often pops a boner

    42. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with Jack Daniels and rinses his mouth out with everclear

    43. Chuck Norris pulls bullets out of his skin the same way you pull out splinters

    44. Chuck Norris stole the punch line out of this joke because he's just good like that

    45. Don't be dissapointed if Chuck Norris doesn't return your phone calls because Chuck Norris answers to no one

    46. Do as Chuck Norris says..not as Chuck Norris does...we don't need any unneccessary deaths on our hands

    47. Heineken invented the keg can after witnessing Chuck Norris pick up an entire keg and drink it one handed

    48. It is not uncommon for people to baptize their newborn children in the sweat of Chuck Norris ...in hopes they will one day turn out like him....keep dreaming

    49. If Chuck Norris asks for a Burger King whopper meal at McDonald's the only thing they ask him is if he'd like it super-sized

    50. Chuck Norris thinks the surgeon general's warning is bullshit...the biggest risk to your health is Chuck Norris

    51. Chuck Norris can reproduce asexually but chooses not to because the world could not handle another Chuck Norris

    52. Chuck Norris once had a job holding up the leaning tower of Pisa...he was fired after he actually made it lean the other way

    53. Many hammock companies have been creating new models based on Chuck Norris's old jockstraps

    54. Chuck Norris drinks natty light and sweats coors light

    56. Chuck Norris had sex with Oprah Winfrey just to make Dr. Phil jealous...but afterwards vomitted for a full 24 hr. period

    57. Chuck Norris has no need for a remote control....he can reach the tv from his couch with an erection

    58. Chuck Norris was once hired to make the girls in the herbal essences commercials moan behind those shower curtains
     
  14. SpoiledPrincess

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    I've never managed to watch a Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal movie all the way through. Steven has also released a couple of albums - Songs From a Crystal Cave and Mojo Priest, bet we've all got copies of those :)
     
  15. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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  16. jakeatolla

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    As shown on Family Guy,

    Under Chuck Norris' beard isn't a chin, its a third Fist!!!
     
  17. B_NineInchCock_160IQ

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    Chuck Norris jokes stopped being funny about 30 seconds before the SNL short that made him popular again ended, approximately 3 years ago.
     
  18. transformer_99

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    Yes, and I play them as a party mix with selections from my David Hasselhoff cd collection. :wink:
     
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