Clash of the personalities ...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by PatriotSam, Mar 14, 2010.

  1. PatriotSam

    PatriotSam New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2008
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Over the last 6 months or so I've been dating this girl who I'm falling madly in love with. She is so spectacular, I don't know how we crashed into each other, why we picked each other or why it worked so well when we did.

    I'm a "starving artist" and she is a lawyer powering through the ranks ... we're a really odd couple ... but somehow we're so good together.

    I think it's because her job is so stressful and her personality is so prone to stress, while my job is stress free and my personality so easily deflects stress. When we're together I can literally see it in her face, I defuse her stress and calm her down.

    Additionally, we're both very opinionated with strong personalities that sometimes clash. She thinks she's right because she's backed by her law degree and I think i'm right because i'm an artist and I occupy a universe "outside the box". Usually her arguments are very logical/grounded and mine are more existential/creative.

    When we disagree, our viewpoints usually have merit, but usually she's able to win because her arguments have more substance and her profession is arguing.

    And when she does shut me down, she does it in that way that only lawyers can where it makes you feel like absolute shit ... and as a guy that makes me defensive as hell because I've been beaten by a girl in the worst way ... intellectually.

    At first glance, to a guys masculinity, being beat by a girl is a horrible thing ... i think it conflicts with our instinctual desire to protect women ... but when they challenge you it makes you want to rip their heads off in competition as you would going up against another man.

    It's like sending conflicting signals into your computer ... you're computer can't process them both so it crashes.

    Well that's where I was at last night, my brain crashed ... but while it was down ... it was also thinking "Why is competition and being intellectually trumped by the woman I love such a bad thing? I still love her as much as ever, and if she comes to a good conclusion, why am I upset by that?"

    I feel it in my artistic heart that there is a solution to this problem floating around out there ... and i love her too much to even think about walking away. I'm just not sure what I need to accept, what I need to understand or what we need to change about how we interact?

    Are there any other strong men out there who are successfully dating/married to a strong women? And if so, how did you modify the relationship hierarchy to allow both personalities to work in concert ... rather than constantly trying to be on top?
     
  2. ManlyBanisters

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2007
    Messages:
    12,807
    Likes Received:
    8
    I'm unclear on what you want.

    Do you expect her to dumb herself down so you don't feel emasculated?

    If you do then I would advise her to dump you.

    If you do not expect that then you need grow up a bit and realise that you are either dating someone who is intellectually superior to you or that you don't have very strong conviction in your beliefs / political position ("she's able to win because her arguments have more substance"). Or perhaps both.

    You're the one with the problem. Change or move on.
     
  3. lopo2000

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2007
    Messages:
    1,567
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Malaysia
    Man, you have the most interesting relationship I've ever heard! For me, it's not a problem at all. It's just something that exists in your rship that should be something that draws you both closer. Yes, it feels kinda shitty to be beaten up by a girl intellectually, but when you think about it again later, you'll feel, oh my woman, she's so smart, so lucky I have her! And you might even end up laughing about it.

    But if you feel bothered, then, perhaps you could avoid such a strong discussion (although I think it just makes you more intellectual and smart yourself, provided it's a constructive one, not destructive). And if it really bothers you, then perhaps you can talk about it, I'm sure she'll accept it and want to talk openly about it.

    Man, you have an amazing girl I believe. Stand by her.
     
  4. lopo2000

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2007
    Messages:
    1,567
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Malaysia
    And remember, even if she's smarter than you, you have a lot of other good qualities as a boyfriend and, I really hope for you, her husband. You'll be the caretaker, the one who has reliable shoulders for her to rely on when she's down, the one who cuddles her when she needs it... All those small things are the things that make her fall in love with you, I believe....
     
  5. SpoiledPrincess

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2006
    Messages:
    8,167
    Likes Received:
    29
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    england
    She's not arguing with you like that because she's a lawyer, she's a lawyer because she can argue like that.

    I think you have to admit to yourself that she's actually smarter than you are and that's ok.

    Why do you need to modify the relationship, a little conflict isn't necessarily a bad thing, it keeps you on your toes intellectually and it can help you grow within it.

    All of my relationships have had a tendency to be of the kind you mention, a guy argues with me, from the start I can see where his thought processes are going and walk him right into a trap where he's left with no possible defences against my logic, where he's been thrown into a position where I've made him contradict himself.

    Then we fuck like animals for hours.
     
    #5 SpoiledPrincess, Mar 14, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2010
  6. PatriotSam

    PatriotSam New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2008
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks for your responses, some are very hard to accept but they are also correct.

    Sometimes I need objective opinions to weigh against my emotions ... which I knew in this situation where wrong.

    Truly, thank you.
     
  7. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    I think you need to level with her about how devastating you find it on a gut level. She needs to know the effect she is having. And she needs to let you be the absolute ruler of SOME aspect of your relationship, whatever that may be.

    I'll bet that her need to be right is such a deepseated part of her personality that she doesn't realize that she might ever be wrong about the tiniest thing. If you could perhaps find that point where it becomes absurd and she can laugh at herself, you two might be drawn closer.

    And it is not wrong to have emotions, psam. Humans cannot avoid having them, just as we grow hair.
     
  8. milkboy

    milkboy New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2009
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Toronto
    Nevermind.
     
    #8 milkboy, Mar 14, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2010
  9. ManlyBanisters

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2007
    Messages:
    12,807
    Likes Received:
    8
    So you think it is wrong to be on a forum like this. That says rather a lot more about your participation than it does about mine. :smile:
     
  10. petite

    petite New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,539
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    34
    Gender:
    Female
    This doesn't sound like a man/woman thing at all, just a difference of personalities, both of which exist in men and women. My first boyfriend loved being challenged intellectually, and it seemed to turn him on if I could trump him with an intellectual argument. He loved feeling like I wasn't just hot, I have a sexy smart brain, too. He'd get this beaming smile on his face when I would checkmate, that was like, "You are so amazing. I adore you!"

    The next two men I dated, they reacted like little boys when I did the same thing he had accustomed me to doing. They would lose their tempers, pout, become angry, etc. I didn't understand, but now I realize that most people don't like that at all, most people prefer a gentler touch, which I've learned since.

    I also think that you need to talk to her about it. I don't think most people like it, not just men. Being intelligent doesn't give someone the right to act in a bullying, condescending, patronizing, or disrespectful way to someone else (not that I was ever any of those things) because other people's feelings should be more important to her than any intellectual argument.
     
    #10 petite, Mar 14, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2010
  11. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2005
    Messages:
    10,730
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    That twinge in your intestines
    Hick's first rule: Don't date lawyers.
     
  12. lopo2000

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2007
    Messages:
    1,567
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Malaysia
    But, will you let lawyers date you?
     
Draft saved Draft deleted