Clingy hubby driving me insane!!

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_Jennuine73, May 7, 2008.

  1. B_Jennuine73

    B_Jennuine73 New Member

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    Big changes have been happening in our marriage. My marriage has been open for 10yrs. We have lived a non-traditional marriage until a couple of days ago.

    My husband has closed the marriage. He feels insecure about our relationship and wants me to stop seeing my bf of one year. This sucks beyond I can explain, but I'm dealing with it. I know most married people wouldn't understand but as I said, we have been in an open marriage from the beginning. I wouldn't have it any other way in the beginning. Mind you, I didn't start using the open marriage until 2007.

    So, all that sucks but that's not what this is about.

    My husband is as clingy as white on rice. It is driving me insane. I am and always have been an independent lady. I have always gone out with my friends and he's never had a problem with it. I have NEVER picked up a guy at a bar since we've been married, he knows that. I am out with the girls to dance our asses off.

    Now, he's pouting because I have plans for Thursday and Friday evening. I will be going out after my daughter is sleeping so it's not an issue of him not wanting to put her to bed. His insecurities are really driving me nuts. I feel like he's a piece of cling wrap and I'm trying to get away. I really hope he eases up because he is going to drive a huge wedge in between us and I will want to go out even more just to get away from him. I have ended it with bf, and stopped hooking up with my fb's. Isn't this good enough for him? Does he want to spend every waking minute with me???

    He's more of a chick than I am. I know this is coming off as whiny, and it is, I know it. Just having a hard time with this.

    (This is NOT helping my lack of smoking situation either)
     
  2. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    Jen, i truly can't understand what its like to be in your marital situation. But i fear that this wont be enough to help him become more secure and less clingy. There are some deep rooted issues attached to his lack of self worth here. I'm not entirely sure what it could be since this is just now coming about after you've made the agreements for an open marriage.

    Knowing what i do about relationships...there is often a void inside of the insecure person and the demands that are met to keep them often fall short. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you since you've stopped smoking on top of it all.

    Hopefully someone here can help you better than me. But i'd encourage you to talk about it in a very indepth level with him. I've been a stage 4 clinger....it's so self destructive and often we don't understand it until we talk about it outloud with someone. It's like the revelation can't happen without the proper honesty with one another.

    I also know its hard to respect the person you are with when their insecurities are suffocating you.
     
  3. QuiteOne

    QuiteOne New Member

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    I find it strange that someone so clingy and insecure could have endured 10 years of open marriage. How much did he take advantage of the openness? When did he stop fucking other people? Did he have a gf? Help us understand the context of him suddenly closing the marriage.
     
  4. Ethyl

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    Did he tell you why he wanted to "close" the relationship? This couldn't have happened overnight. He's been thinking about this for a while. What spurred this decision? Did something specific occur or did he just suddenly announce he wanted to change the status of the relationship?
     
  5. B_boynextdoorkpt

    B_boynextdoorkpt New Member

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    Did he have a gf on the side that suddenly broke up and now he is jealous of you and your bf?
     
  6. Phil Ayesho

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    Sounds like your hubby is confronting a serious reduction is his ability to attract girls on the side.

    After a certain age... unless a man is single and or rich, it becomes much harder for most men to hook up.
    Women, on the other hand, if they keep themselves in good trim, can pretty much hook up anytime they choose.

    ( by hook up I do not mean find a mate... I mean find non-committal sex.)

    At 34 you are hitting your sexual peak... and he is already in decline.
    And you are only now starting to cash in on the freedom your husband has enjoyed for 10 years?

    If you had taken advantage of the open marriage prior to last year, you probably would have uncovered his jealousy and insecurity before now.

    IF he slams the door on your fun now that he has had his... could this be the genesis of the resentment I sense in your OP?


    IF you do not have things in common... such as, if he simply refuses to go dancing with you... or if you insist on NOT dancing with him.... then it seems to me you do not have the foundation for any kind of sexually exclusive marriage.


    If you don't respect him, admire him, and cherish spending time with him... then I don't see much hope...
    Your resentment will grow, as will his, until your lives are nothing but spitting venom at each other.

    I advise you have a long heart to heart with yourself over if there is enough in this man, in your estimation, to hold you to him long term without resentment.


    And I advise you sit down and have a frank negotiation with him about your expectations and his... which of his you are willing to meet and which you are not... and vice versa...

    And then see if the relationship improves once everyone's role is more clearly defined.


    There is a major change in your arrangement... that is a change in the contract between you....
    You need to clearly negotiate how that change can occur and still feel equitable to you both.
     
  7. lucky8

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    maybe he's getting older and just wants to start settling down a bit
     
  8. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
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    That's a possibility. We are also just hearing one side of the story too. No disrespect to the OP whatsoever but in these situations people's perspective starts to become one sided and has a slant.
     
  9. widenine

    widenine New Member

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    This is an amazing story about a mistake gone worse around the neck of a child. The couple has been married for a decade, I assume that the child is less than ten.

    Where's the back and forth flexibility? Any viable relationship over time is challenged by change and, hopefully, personal growth. It demands that we "regroup" and reassess the relationships. It really sounds like they both are quite self-centered ... and I just wonder how they can possibly nurture a baby or an adolescent.

    Child rearing is tough... even for two parents wholly dedicated on providing EVERY moment of comfort possible for their offspring. Having that focus split between one or two other adults most certainly leaves the child vulnerable and the marriage in a state of dysfunction.

    Frankly, if you hadn't mentioned the child being in the middle of this complex menage, I would have said... let this "destined to fail" union run it's dismal course. Now, with a child in the mix, I assume that the relationship did, in fact, run it's course and that the shell of a union persists for the benefit of that child. If I'm wrong... that 's great. But based on the wife's desire to escape from her husband because she's feels entangled in seran wrap, I see right through it. She has lost it for the husband and seeks to fill the void, for now at least, in detachment. That marriage is so over-- even a poor innocent child can see it.
     
  10. B_Jennuine73

    B_Jennuine73 New Member

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    To assume that because we have had an unconventional sexual relationship we don't put our child first and nurture her is ridiculous.

    Our sex life is not, and never has been, as important as raising our daughter.

    This is obviously not the right forum for this. We have lived in a BDSM lifestyle for 12 years and most wouldn't understand the dynamics.

    Needless to say, I am handling his insecurities and clingyness.
     
  11. green carnation

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    Maybe you have fled from this forum (internet commitment) already so cant answer this, but do you love him and want to be in a marriage with him?

    This is the crux of the matter. I dont think people are judging you morally or saying that what you do sexually is wrong. They may, as I do, hear you saying loud and clear you dont want to be with this man and share anything with him,and you cant admit this. He senses it and porobably knows it, this is why he is being more 'clingy'. Reassure him (if you can/want) and I'm sure he will be fine. He fears he is losing you, probably because he is from the sound of it.

    Bitter pill to swallow I know.

    She's off, cant see her for dust
     
  12. B_Jennuine73

    B_Jennuine73 New Member

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    I do love him. He is clingy because of his insecurities. We are in marriage counselling right now. So it is not that I don't want to be with him. I want this marriage to work. I was sounding off about feeling smothered.
     
  13. JulesNSteve4fun

    JulesNSteve4fun New Member

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    Maybe part of his insecurities are based upon the belief that your relationship with your boyfriend transcended the physical and began to include emotional needs... needs which either you were not entrusting to him or that he could not supply.

    It is one thing entirely to enjoy the physicality with someone... enjoying sexuality for its own sake.. but, after awhile, especially if that sexuality is shared with just one other person, .. the question needs to be asked.. what else are you sharing with this other person? your hopes? your dreams? your fears? your joys? your emotions??

    Open marriages are difficult enough. We have one which involves mostly groups of over one man at a time with her and I am always in attendance.. it is a highly charged sexual atmosphere.. but in terms of sharing every day life.. her emotions.. her mind... that is never done.

    Perhaps his insecurities either originate, or have been exacerbated by his fears or knowledge that you share something much more important than your body with your lover .. (after all, look at how you described the break up with your lover in your first post.. that tells me there is something other than the physical)

    It doesn't seem like your relationship, right now anyway, is fit for an "open marriage." Figure out what it is you want, communicate with him and get to the root of the problem.
     
  14. JMeister

    JMeister Member

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    They have marriage counselors that specialize in open BDSM relationships? Cool.
     
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