Coming out!?...again and again

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Dennis Anyone, Mar 24, 2009.

  1. D_Dennis Anyone

    D_Dennis Anyone New Member

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    So I was thinking about what it is like to come out of the closet...and I have some issues

    Technically I am out of the closet but not completely. All of my friends back in my hometown (i am currently away from home at school) know thar I am gay but my parents do not. (all of my friends are straight and the only gay friends that I have are people on the net)

    Everytime I meet a new group of people it is like I have to come out of the closet again. They never know I am gay. I am not the obvious type of gay-feminine guy that you would know was homosexual at first sight/encounter. And right when i think i should tell them, they always tend to throw that comment about something being "gay" or make a joke that makes me feel like crap when they don't know that ther are making a comment to gay who is right in front of them.

    So I want to ask if anybody else has had/have this issue and how do you go about it. Also, what tips and advice would you recommend so that everyone would know I am gay without having to compromise my output and my personality.

    I also want to ask if i should ever come out to my parents and how??? (my mother is one of those religious moms who believe being gay means you'll go to hell... and my father is a little more supportive but still makes comments one a drag queen that lives across the street from us)
     
  2. bigdicksarebest

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    Coming out to the parents I think is the hardest thing to do. You don't know how they are going to take it and different parents take it different ways. I came out to my parents when I was 18 they kicked me out of the house (I'm 47 now) the years that followed was/are very rocky matter of fact I haven't seen or talked to anyone in my family for about 8 years now. I have called and they never answered I left messages with my phone number never got a call back. But all parents aren't the same I have friends who's parents are wonderful some that were like mine but came around in time. Only you know when the times right and maybe the time will never be right. But a great friend base can be just like a family so surround yourself with loving people and no matter what you will have a support system. I wish you luck and happiness.
     
  3. D_Rod Staffinbone

    D_Rod Staffinbone Account Disabled

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    i just can't imagine a parent treating their child that way. there is nothing wrong with you. i hope you know that by now. if you can afford to get some good therapy / counseling somewhere about how they treated you it would still be beneficial for your self-esteem and all that still lies ahead. best of luck to you and also to the OP.
     
  4. MarkLondon

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    Back in the 70s we used to wear badges to proclaim our gayness!

    But nowadays I think it's more important to have gay friends and lovers or a partner than to proclaim your sexuality as an abstract concept.

    I've never pretended to be straight, but twice I've been asked if I was married and chose to answer factually but not tack on "I'm gay". The first time I said "No I'm not married, I do like women, but I couldn't possibly live with one." and the second time I said "No, I'm not married, that's why I look ten years younger than I am". On both occasions I could tell the (straight male) questioners understood that I was gay, but they had a good laugh, and no big issue was made of it.

    As for parents, that is the big one when it comes to coming out. Quite often, especially if you've left it late, you'll find they had an inkling of an idea anyway. But your mum's religion could make it difficult for her.
     
  5. Beachboy19

    Beachboy19 New Member

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    Make em read this study

    Parents' response key to health of gay youth - Kids and parenting- msnbc.com


    Then this:
    APA Help Center - Health & Emotional Wellness - "Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality"


    Then make em watch this:
    Prayers for Bobby (2009) (TV)


    :smile:
     
  6. D_Dennis Anyone

    D_Dennis Anyone New Member

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    I hope nobody here thinks I am pretedning to act straight....It is just the way I am. I don't pretend to be somebody I am not. However, when I meet new people and after while I begin to find out that they do not know I am gay (I could tell because of the comments/remarks they say about issues and use "gay" as a negative term) I begin to feel out of place and just down right stupid.

    I think another issue for me is "gaydar." I don't have it. I can only tell from the obvious gay guys but not the ones who act (not forcefully act just to mask their orientation) straight.
     
  7. BirdinMo

    BirdinMo Member

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    Friends who accept you are a nice "stand by" in case you have to crash some place if you tell your parents.
     
  8. Lex

    Lex
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    Coming out is more an ongoing process that an event. I was married with 2 kids before I my awakening occured. My (ex) wife and I had to come out to the kids, I had to come out to parents, friends, family, etc. And there are always people who still do not know. Most are okay with it. My dad continues to struggle.

    I started a thread about it here:

    http://www.lpsg.org/28570-again-coming-out.html?highlight=again+coming+out

    I haven't updated it in a while, though.
     
  9. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

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    My mom knows and so do two of my three brothers. Dad probably knows especially now that he sees the same guy every Christmas!! My BF, who is many years younger than me, told his mom and his mom immediately accepted me as family. I was floored especially since (1) she and I are the same age and (2) they are from a very conservative, not very accepting area of the country. At first, admittedly, I thought there was something going on. Mom wants gay son to be happy and finding a nice, well-off American should do fine! But after 3 years I can see she is find with everything, includes me to family get togethers etc. My family equally likes him but my nephews and nieces are his age and look at him funny at time. Maybe they're just dumb!
     
  10. Meniscus

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    I can relate. For many of us, coming out of the closet is something we have to do again, and again, and again. I've been at my company for 8 years, and to this day I think the majority of people I work with have no idea that I'm gay. I've never hidden it, and many people do know and have known from the beginning (just because it came up in one way or another during the course of casual conversation), but every now and then I'll be talking to someone and they'll say something that makes it clear that they assume I'm straight. Those moments are very awkward. Sometimes I correct them, but usually I don't bother.

    The really awkard moments are when I'm having a perfectly lovely conversation with a woman and I realize from her body language that she had misread my friendliness as romantic interest.

    Other awkward moments are when someone starts telling me about their sister or a friend, and initially I think they are telling a story that's relevant to the conversation, but then I realize they are trying to gauge my interest in the woman. I usually just extract myself from those conversations, but I've often been tempted to say, "She sounds great-- does she have a brother?"

    As for coming out to your parents, you need to put in place a support system first, in case they should react badly. You say that your friends in your hometown know that you're gay. What about your friends at school? Start by telling people whom you know will be OK with it. Then you'll have their support before you tell your other friends. You may lose a few friends in the process, but some will become even closer. Does your school have any kind of GLBT group or resource center? If it does, avail yourself of whatever resources and support they have to offer.

    You may want to wait until you are out of school and financially stable before coming out to your parents. But among your friends you'll have the freedom to be yourself, which can help ease the pain of having to keep a secret from your family. Then, when you are self-reliant, you can tell your parents without the risk of ending up homeless, jobless, and without an education.

    If there's a PFLAG chapter in your area, they may be able to offer advice and support on how to tell your parents, and they can also support and guide your parents as they come to accept your sexuality. If you are religious, you may want to look for an open and affirming congregation. The church may also be able to offer guidance and support to you and your family once you are ready to come out to them.

    Best of luck to you.
     
  11. idoevrythng

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    i know excatly what u mean...i am very straight acting, most people wouldnt guess that i am bi, my friends at college know but my friends at home or my family dont... i feel like it would be so weird to tell them that i am gay since they've known me forever, its much easier for me to tell someone that yea im bi when i first meet them but to come out to the ppl that ive loved for a very long time scares me...i dont want them to think that i went to college and completley changed...i dont know what to do..sorry i was no help :) im still figuring things out, just wanted u to know that ur not alone
     
  12. 8060

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    I'm sympathetic with everyone that struggles with coming out over and over again. It's a hard process that sort of never ends. When I started out, I just took an exhale and told myself that if I told these people that I have known for my entire life, all of my friends and such, had any problem with this new "small part of me" then they didn't deserve to have me in their life ad vice versa. That may sound cruel but that's how I got through. And that's being no more cruel than the comments and actions that stem from them that seem to have a problem with your orientation.

    Ther were a few that I had to drop out of my life. It's a very small number. Only strength and confidence will get you through. If you happen to lose a friend for being truthful with them, try to view it as a life change that everyone goes through.

    When I told my parents, I was already frustrated with the guy that I had been seeing (in broad daylight because I didn't care). So, I just blurted it out to my mom. She replied, "I figured it but I just wanted you to tell me." And that was the end of that. When I told my dad, he said, "I love you, Son and I'll support you in whatever decision you make"...and we were in church nonstop as young people. Your Creator loves you too and don't let another person ever convince you of otherwise 'cause it just ain't true.

    Lastly, stop thinking about it. Why do even have to come out? You can come out by just being yourself without having to form the words every time you're around someone nw and chip away at yourself over and over again. It'll get easier when you stop thinkin' about it.

    Good luck, Mr. INSALL, and know that you have a friend in me.

    Peace
     
  13. lvsxy808

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    This is my perspective too. If you don't make a big deal about it, it won't be a big deal. Live your life and leave other people to accept it however they can. If you're dating a guy, just drop a mention of your boyfriend into normal conversation whenever it fits, just like a straight person would mention his girlfriend. If a girl says she thinks Bob's hot, say "I think Dave's hotter."
     
  14. 8060

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    Applause...and the crowd goes wild!:biggrin1:
     
  15. larocca

    larocca New Member

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    Wow, what a great post. It puts things in different perspective to me too. I am somewhere on the road to getting ready to tell the truth..... but I think I'll have to wait until I get fed up to finally tell the truth.

    They should be able to love me even after I tell them this; I was like this way ever since I realized I was gay years ago and they just love me like this. That little detail won't change me too much. I just hope they will be able to accept it.
     
  16. 8060

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    I have come to realize that people love you more when you love youself. That's not a conceded thing. People can tell when you're uncomfortable in your own skin and strangers will prey on that. It's those things that tend to put people "in the closet" with themselves. Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing that they affected you (US) like that; to where you feel less about yourself, or afraid to be yourself. Take those people that speak illly of us sometimes. They spit their venom with ease. So, why not extend them the same courtesy? It's just all about growing up...and you do get tired in the midst of growing up. We can use that exhaustion as a catalyst to get to a better place in life and perhaps take a few along with us.

    I'm out for a second, but I'll be back later:cool:
     
  17. larocca

    larocca New Member

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    I've been thinking about that too... We do have to be tough, we could easily break if we didn't stand up for ourselves. I know that personally from my childhood.

    It is, I've heard, also a good way to learn who your good friends are; I don't even have that many, so I might just lose all of them. That's why coming out to family worries me... I don't want to lose the only thing I have. I am mostly "a lone wolf," but still---everyone needs to have at least someone.
     
  18. 8060

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    larocca, if you're a lone wolf, then you're in a good position (IMO) to take on the comig out challenge. I have a huge family and a larger circle of friends. While I haven't spoken the words (I like men) to all of them, I most certainly do not hide it. I don't wear it on my sleeve, and 'gay, gay, gay' is not what constantly comes out of my mouth either.

    I haven't lost a friend or family member due to their newfound knowlege of my orientation. If I have, I have no idea about it. Which I would say from that means that they weren't close enough to me anyway/no big deal.

    When you get to 'that place' in your life, trust me you'll have your friend. They're waiting for you there.
     
  19. midlifebear

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    OOOFtah! I'm hardly in the same sub species as Cary Grant, but these moments are the worst, and not just because they can be awkward. When I'm flying solo, even at my advanced age, I get hit on by women; particularly the well-groomed 40-something professional types in spectator pumps and business suits. At the behest of The Squeeze I started wearing a wedding ring, but it seems to have increased the problem. And then strangers who are clueless, actual guests who show up in my home and still have no idea that the guy whose shoulders I've got my arm slung over isn't my husband? Yea gods!

    I'm a big believer and follower in treating people like I'd like to be treated. But sometimes you just have to rub their nose in it until a light clicks over their head.

    You're going to find life is a continuous announcement to the world about who you are and where you stand. And those who are dismissive regarding their sexuality as not being a major factor in their life profile have some soul-searching to do. I'm not defined by my sexuality, but I'm not about to let anyone else attempt to do it for me. Plus, I've found that always making sure everyone knows I'm gay alerts me to who my real friends are. I'm not in the mood to have the local parish pray for the salvation of my soul because I don't accommodate their world view. Fuck 'em. They don't fit my world view either, but I'm not going to stand outside of their church and hand out PFLAG brochures.

    Man up and take responsibility for who you are, not what you're worried people (or your parents) might think you are. Set an example, and preferably a good one. There's a great person who regularly posts on this web site who occasionally makes a big fuss that if he were to "come out" it would ruin his career and potential for public office. It never stopped Harvey Milk (a couple of bullets did that). And if you're concerned about your potential earning power, take note that I know a lot more gay men and women making at least 6-figure incomes than I do straight family men.

    No one, especially me, will ever say or expect it to be easy for you. But you'll be a better person for being completely out of the closet and can then spend all that otherwise wasted energy on doing something positive in your life.

    Thus sayeth the 59 year-old faggot who isn't getting any younger. :cool:

    Good luck with that.
     
    #19 midlifebear, Mar 28, 2009
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2009
  20. Lex

    Lex
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    Midlifebear -- as always you are a wise man. I don't run around telling everyone I meet that I am gay. At the same time, I do not hide it. If they ask, I will tell them in a very matter-of-fact voice. If they presume that I have interest in a woman (still) I will alert them that I do not. I have WOOF stickers in my office, wear a wedding band (I second the confusion that causes), with pics of my kids (and no wife) and I have bear paws in my car (I am thinking of getting an equality window sticker).
     
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