Coming out as an Asian

[b1gm3]

I realise that I will need to come out soon. I don't consider myself fully gay, but there's something about another guy that makes me feel so much better about myself? I don't know. It's hard to explain. I love seeing girls and everything associated, but I can't deny the fact I am a bisexual.

How do I .. come out? My parents, grandparents, friends, other family members WILL judge me. I know they will. It's inevitable given the fact I'm Asian. Yes, that is a huge stereotype but to those who are gay and Asian, you may be able to relate to my predicament. I don't have an understanding group of close people, I don't have that safety net that some of you may have had when you came out. I don't want to be alone for a year as I pick up the pieces of my life because the worst thing that can ever happen to my parents is to have their only Asian son turn 'gay' on them.

I'm about to turn 22 and I don't want to continue living in fear of myself. I want to put myself out there but the fear of being discovered as being a bisexual/gay individual is enough to stop me cold.

 

[tgirlsrgreat]

you know, when i read the title on the index page i thought? who gives a shit that he is asian!! i'll leave the advice to those who have done it, but good luck to you my friend and the world is a changin. keep the faith and live kindly.

 

[Charles Finn]

first take a deep breath and relax
your sexuality is nobody's business but yours and those you share it with
be careful play safe and be yourself.
you do not have to be out and flaming like some of us again just be yourself and true to who you are.
btw Asian guys are very hot.
you will always have others judging you no matter what you have to make yourself happy first.

 

[bearvwe]

you know, when i read the title on the index page i thought? who gives a shit that he is asian!! i'll leave the advice to those who have done it, but good luck to you my friend and the world is a changin. keep the faith and live kindly.

Me too - I was beginning to think it was possible to be secretly Asian

 

[ericbythebay]

Your situation is probably going to depend on which Asian culture your family comes from. The bisexuality component may encourage them to find you a wife or constantly talk about finding a nice girl.

Personally, I'd wait until I was in a relationship and it became an issue.

My husband and I had been together for three years before I came out to my parents at 22.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Me too - I was beginning to think it was possible to be secretly Asian

How is it we all had the same thought?


Dude, Unless you fall in love with a man and decide to start a life with him, I see no reason for you to have to talk to people who will stress you out about your sexuality.

 

[XSILVER]

Growing up with a couple Asian friends I know exactly what your faced with. I am now 27 and I am not a flammer by any means but have always been questioned about my sexuallity by friends people and even my family. I am out to all of my friends but not my family. They know that I am gay but are just waiting for me to tell them stright up (no punn intended). Looking back, i wish that i had told them years ago. Long story short, if you intend on telling them, better sooner than later. rip off the band-ade and live your life honestly and you will feel amazing about being alive. With best regards

 

[gen1125]

I realise that I will need to come out soon. I don't consider myself fully gay, but there's something about another guy that makes me feel so much better about myself? I don't know. It's hard to explain. I love seeing girls and everything associated, but I can't deny the fact I am a bisexual.

I am not Asian but am going through the same thing. Unfortunately I can offer no advice besides just to try to give it time and let things happen. That is what I am doing and things are going smooth so far. I do, however, feel the pressure to come out coming from my surroundings and from inside me. It can be overwhelming but know that you are not alone. :wave2:

 

[heist]

Speaking from an informed perspective:
Only come out to those in your family who you must tell (based on your own personal reasons). Keep in mind all of the possible consequences. The fact that you're bisexual and (from what I'm reading) the only male heir to your name probably will make things worse than if you had no interest in women whatsoever, because asian mothers are oh-so-good at picking at the little things and noting the possible ways out of a situation (and reminding you about it every time you talk).

I guess I can't really say much more without knowing your situation better. For example, my family is not very religious, so I haven't had to deal with that particular issue. You say it's inevitable that your family will judge you. Why, exactly?

 

[b1gm3]

For me it's more about living a lie? and the fact it gets lonely after awhile when girls just aren't cutting it. If I put myself out there, people WILL notice. I don't know how to deal with the rejection that will come from my current friends.

Yes, some of them are more open and liberal to what I am, but others are just, well, homophobic? I don't know if it's worth losing a friendship over. And of course, one will say "then they're not truly your friend if they can't accept you for who you truly are"..and I can sort of accept this. Doesn't mean it makes it any easier to deal with right?

My family is not too religious, but it saddens me to say that being the 'typical' Asian parents who are very Chinese-traditional, they are homophobes. They sneer at gay rights activists and degrade gay people. I speak against it of course, but it's these words/actions that I see from my family that leads me to believe they will never accept me. It hurts for me to even admit this, but it's true.

Growing up Chinese in a traditional family..in a very westernized country is hard. Me being Asian DOES mean something different. It's hard to explain..

 

[surferboy]

i'm half asian. my grandparents from japan were supportive. just tell them

 

[AZNbanana]

yaaaa..... your parents are not going to like this. their not going to disown you or anything, but thing will be different for sure. most traditional chinese/asian cant really except homo sexuality. they will try to fix you or some sht. not sure how independent you are right now, but maybe best to take your time and wait till your off on your own and tell them.

 

[B_Hung Jon]

yaaaa..... your parents are not going to like this. their not going to disown you or anything, but thing will be different for sure. most traditional chinese/asian cant really except homo sexuality. they will try to fix you or some sht. not sure how independent you are right now, but maybe best to take your time and wait till your off on your own and tell them.

I think AZNbanana has the right idea. Wait until you're on your own or in a supportive environment before you tell your family. In that way you have the emotional safety net that you'll need. I know this is very hard, but at least a lot of the people here on lpsg are behind you. All the best, bro. :smile:

 

[heist]

For me it's more about living a lie? and the fact it gets lonely after awhile when girls just aren't cutting it. If I put myself out there, people WILL notice. I don't know how to deal with the rejection that will come from my current friends.

Yes, some of them are more open and liberal to what I am, but others are just, well, homophobic? I don't know if it's worth losing a friendship over. And of course, one will say "then they're not truly your friend if they can't accept you for who you truly are"..and I can sort of accept this. Doesn't mean it makes it any easier to deal with right?

My family is not too religious, but it saddens me to say that being the 'typical' Asian parents who are very Chinese-traditional, they are homophobes. They sneer at gay rights activists and degrade gay people. I speak against it of course, but it's these words/actions that I see from my family that leads me to believe they will never accept me. It hurts for me to even admit this, but it's true.

Growing up Chinese in a traditional family..in a very westernized country is hard. Me being Asian DOES mean something different. It's hard to explain..

1) Regarding friends: you don't have to tell every single one of your friends when you come out. Controlling the dissemination of information is something you will have to master eventually, so you might as well start somewhere. Be very careful who you tell, and be very clear when you tell people that it's NOT something they should talk to others about because it's your personal life. This is key, because if you don't address the issue of privacy, they will probably assume it's open information.

2) Regarding family: first of all, in my own experience (and in talking with friends), most asian parents are not "actively" homophobic. Rather, you could say they tend to be passively homophobic -- kind of a part of the whole culture of "shunning the shameful". That is, they'll express disapproval, but they won't dig into it because it's uncomfortable to continue talking about.

If your family is indeed very actively homophobic, this changes quite a bit of how you should deal with them, compared to what I'd recommend for asians in a passively homophobic family. In this case, I would say you should not come out to them. Instead, give dismissive, impersonal answers to any personal questions until they just stop asking. My favored go-to when pushed is dismissing any questions while appealing to the sense of "I don't have time for relationships with all the work I have to do" and then changing the subject to something impersonal with a leading question.

If you want to eventually try opening up at least your parents to be less disapproving of homosexuality, you could introduce them to a nice gay friend, but delay telling them he is gay until some time after he seems to grow on them. Make homosexuality be just a small facet of the person, not a defining feature. I realize this all sounds pretty ridiculous in these seemingly progressive times, but you can't push people to accept new things too quickly.

One question: are you sure they are deriding GAY activism, or gay ACTIVISM? It would make more sense to me if they disapproved of people advocating any issue loudly rather than of the specific issue itself, especially if they aren't religious Chinese. I mean, I agree that traditionally, homosexuality is considered less-than-ideal in Chinese culture, but not quite "society-destroying" as in many cultures strongly influenced by the Abrahamic religions.

 

[alx]

Me too - I was beginning to think it was possible to be secretly Asian

Ah I wasn't the only one then!


...Do you still live with family or are you independent?

 

[aqua-illusion]

I realise that I will need to come out soon. I don't consider myself fully gay, but there's something about another guy that makes me feel so much better about myself? I don't know. It's hard to explain. I love seeing girls and everything associated, but I can't deny the fact I am a bisexual.

How do I .. come out? My parents, grandparents, friends, other family members WILL judge me. I know they will. It's inevitable given the fact I'm Asian. Yes, that is a huge stereotype but to those who are gay and Asian, you may be able to relate to my predicament. I don't have an understanding group of close people, I don't have that safety net that some of you may have had when you came out. I don't want to be alone for a year as I pick up the pieces of my life because the worst thing that can ever happen to my parents is to have their only Asian son turn 'gay' on them.

I'm about to turn 22 and I don't want to continue living in fear of myself. I want to put myself out there but the fear of being discovered as being a bisexual/gay individual is enough to stop me cold.

I can relate to everything you are feeling and saying...being Asian as well it is most difficult.
I probably won't tell my father that I am bisexual until his deathbed, my father seems to be VERY homophobic...always making fun of gay/bi people.

I did tell my one of my two sisters that I was possibly gay or bi...but as I grew older I know I am bisexual (am I spelling that right? It's looking funny). When I tell people? who knows...maybe never.

Always being ridiculed at school for being "the gay" one without actually coming out was/is difficult and it does get lonely...I only want to love someone as much as they would love me (I had someone who did when I was a teen...but he went into the army and I haven't heard of him since)

I don't know if I can offer an advice but only to say, I am pretty much in the same situation you are in!
Good luck!

 

[ericbythebay]

This thread reminds me of Ang Lee's "The Wedding Banquet".

 

[AdaramC]

Ah here's something I can relate to a little! I am asian. Half chinese half cambodian. I grew up in an asian family and I can definitely say that things are much different. I don't know how to explain, but it just is. I'm a first generation here in the states so there definitely was a difficulty in relating. But for me I took it one step at a time.

1) Know When its Right:
Knowing when its time and when it was right for me, (which sounds like you are in this stage right now)

2) Talk to the best friend:
To me, coming out wasn't about letting the world know, it was about letting the ones I love know. I started by going to someone who I knew I could trust, one of my best friends. It was so scary I couldn't even say it to her. I told her there was something I had to talk to her about (this literally tood 3 days to muster up the courage to say even this) And then I made her say it to me, granted I did point to a closet and told her it had to do with a closet. And she said "Something that you want out of the closet...?" haha looking back, it makes me laugh, but I knew i made the right choice.
She made me very comfortable, and for me, I wasn't completely comfortable with it, so having someone make it comfortable for me definitely helped. and ps, she already had a feeling i was... which is usually the case haha AND definitely make sure it is someone who you completely trust. My friend told NO ONE, and she made it known to me that it was my decision who to tell, not hers.

3) Divide and Conquer:
One by one, I talked to all of my close friends and let them know. This took almost 4 months for my main group of friends to know. And each time, it got a little easier. Sometimes the talk was planned, other times it just felt right and it happened.

4) Everyone but Family:
Pretty soon, all of my friends that needed to know, knew. And then it didn't matter who else knew. Except my family. And coming out at college, not many people knew my family so, they weren't going to find out from them.

5) The Hardest Part:
It took me a year of being out for me to finally tell my family. And it sucked a little, but I couldn't ask for a better response. First I will say my mom cried for about a week straight at work to her friends. She was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to be married. Where she grew up (Cambodia) people who were gay were pretty much looked down upon and people didnt like them. She was afraid that was going to happen to me, because she loved me. She didnt want people to talk and one thing I thought was funny, She wanted me to have kids. She thinks I'm going to make an excellent father and shes so afraid i cant have kids.
The one thing that happened that made everything okay, I asked her if she hated me, and through her tears she said "I carried you inside me for 9 months as a baby and I raised you for 21 years, no matter who or what you are or what you do, I will never hate you. I will always love you" And thats how I knew everything would be alright with her.

For the most part she has accepted. She still teases me and asks me if i like girls yet but shes okay. and she loves me unconditionally so.

This doesnt really only just apply to an asian family but i dont know. She still doesnt want me to tell asian people. She says asian people talk so much crap and pretend like their lives are all good. Shes convinced that they will hate me or think less of me or make fun of me, to which I reply "they don't pay my bills, and I dont see them all the time. so who cares?"

hopefully this helped a little bit...?

 

[b1gm3]

Wow, thanks for all the responses guys. I needed some kind of 'guidance' I guess from people who have gone through what I'm dealing with right now.

I'll take everything into consideration and I guess prepare myself for my parents. I live at home for half the year so until I move out completely, I guess it wouldn't be in my best interest to tell them just yet.

Who knows, they might even welcome me with open arms .. or not.

 

[True_Blue]

I may not be Asian but, not too long ago, I was in a position not too different from yours. And, honestly, I think AdaramC laid it out perfectly. I pretty much did the same thing, though it's taken about 2 years. I'm now at the hardest part, I'm going to finally tell my mom right after Christmas. Having friends supporting me through this makes a world of difference. You must have, at least, a couple of friends you can trust with this... friends who will be there for you when you really need the support. You've got to start somewhere.

Good Luck.