Coming Out.........for Bi Guys???

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by kiwi_in_uk, Jul 22, 2007.

  1. kiwi_in_uk

    kiwi_in_uk Guest

    I can understand the need for gay guys to come out to their parents, but what about bi guys? Whilst I have told my friends that I am bi and most of them are cool with it, I hesitate to tell my parents in fear of causing them unnecessary anxiety when in fact I could end up marrying a girl, settling down and having 2.4 children! Then again, if I do strike up a significant relationship with a guy, do I still tell them that I'm bi...or have I become gay at that point? Because to me once you're in a relationship, to say that you're bi sounds like a lack of integrity and commitment. Surely you are then monogamous and therefore gay or straight depending on the gender of your partner. Obviously I'd still technically be bisexual, but do parents need to know that?
     
  2. speshk

    speshk New Member

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    Hmm. Good question.

    I don't know, part of being bi, for me, is not finding it necessary to label myself. I hate labels.

    Still, it's admirable you are considering your parents' feelings in the matter.

    I'd wait a year or so. Why rush things?
     
  3. UtahCock

    UtahCock New Member

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    There is no need toruch into things, but neither do I think it will serve anything to keep them in the dark.

    It would be kind of hard to come out to them by saying "here--meet the man I am in love with and am sharing my life with." It would kind of be alot to handle for them, and woul d make the situation very difficult for you and yourpartner.


    If they alreadyknow, and you then bring home a guy, they have had plenty of time to accept the idea of you being with men and will hopefully be less antagonistic towards the man you're with.

    They will need time to deal with just the idea of you being bi before they can accept all that comes wiht it.
     
  4. hypolimnas

    hypolimnas Well-Known Member

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    Parents don't need to know everything. Ideally they would know and appreciate the individual people who are important to you.

    I would hope that it is still the quality of the person and your happiness that they would see as most important.

    When they can see those things you can decide how much more you would like them to know. I don't see that their anxieties would be that much different about any of the people who are in your life.
     
  5. 2manyhardons

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    i say just be comfortable with who you are, if your comfortable with it, then everyone around should be also. i know it may be hard at first, but if your parents love you enough, they will be find with it, just hard at the beginning.
    BTW; nice pics in gallery
     
  6. Hockeytiger

    Hockeytiger Active Member

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    Coming out is a process of YOU coming to grips with who YOU are and to Hell with everyone else. If you are comfortable being bi, but purposefully not disclosing that fact to your parents, then ok. If they can't handle the fact that you are bi, then that is their problem not yours. Yes, you will have to deal with the fallout of telling them, but in the end it is still their problem.

    Secondly, IMO being bi has nothing to do with who you are having sex with. Rather, it is a state of being. A bisexual man in a monogamous relationship with a woman is not a straight man. He is still bisexual. He just doesn't engage in homosexual acts. Thusly, even if you do end up getting married and living the "straight" life, you are still bisexual. Your bisexuality is part of who you are, and it will remain part of who you are (so long as you have at least some lingering homosexual and heterosexual feelings). Perhaps your parents should know who you really are. Perhaps not. If you want to hide who you are from your parents, because it will cause them, and ultimately you, grief, so be it.

    But I would suggest that the people you are in relationships ought to know who you really are. (Again I will reiterate that being bi has nothing to do with who you have sex with. A gay man who lives the life of a straight man is still gay. Conversely, a straight man who does gay-for-pay porn doesn't become gay or bi as a result. He is still straight. It is who you are, not who you fuck.)

    Yes, some people, both gay men, and straight women, will have prejudices against you for being bi. But if you hide it from them, you are hiding who you really are from your relationship partner. And that would be a real shame.

    I guess my ultimate point is that your bisexuality is part of who you are and you should share that fact with those you love and trust. If you don't trust and love your parents, well ok, but perhaps that points to a deeper problem with your relationship with them. IMO, you should also share your bisexuality with your relationship partners (distinct from sexual partners) since you should, by definition love and trust them.
     
  7. rstrnt

    rstrnt New Member

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    I would keep mum about telling the parents at this point. I am 100% gay and if I was looking for a relationship with someone, and you told me you were bi, I would move along. If I was looking for a one nighter, you would be great. I am not big on labels, but at the same time, I think I want to be with another 100% gay man. I do not know anything about being bi, so I probably don't understand it, but I thought you may like the opinion of a gay man.
     
  8. Mickactual

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    For me, coming out came relatively late (age 38). When the time came, I knew I had to do it. I couldn't have done it a day earlier, and it wouldn't have waited another day.
    I think You'll know when/if the time has come to do it. Something in Your life (someone You meet?...) will prompt it. In the meantime, have fun and try not to obsess. :naughty:
     
  9. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    To me these catagories just define sexuality, not who you may be attracted to in general terms and who you may love. Have you ever heard of "Affectional Orientation"? Google it, and what you find may be interesting. It sure was to me.
     
  10. Matthew

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    Great post, hockeytiger.
     
  11. GoneA

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    You have not become gay at the point. If you are bisexual and begin a relationship with a man, you are still bisexual. If you were to begin one with a woman, again, you are still bisexual. Strictly speaking, bisexuality is characterized by being sexually responsive to both sexes; essentially, you're simply acting out your sexual orientation. That's just how I interpret it.

    I question this philosophy. I think it shows greater integrity to admit to being bisexual once you've settled into a relationship. Staying true to who you are almost always showcases the strength of the human spirit.

    I think it's equally as important for bisexual children to come out to their parents, as it is for gays.
     
  12. EagleCowboy

    EagleCowboy Well-Known Member

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    I like the gals just as much as I like the guys. I automatically get a lot of flak for it from gay guys because, for some absurd reason, they think I'm gonna cheat on whoever I'm seeing. That's not me. I don't cheat. If I'm seeing someone exclusively, then all others can suffer, as I'm loyal to a fault. I just don't cheat.

    The best piece of advice I can give is whomever you choose to date exclusively, be fiercely loyal to them and make 100% sure that they are who you WANT to date be it a guy or a gal. It's your life and you have to figure out what works best for you.

    As for who I'm gonna marry? Don't know yet. I'm still looking both ways for the guy or gal that can steal my heart and mean it and not cheat on me.
     
  13. Chuck64

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    Over the last few years, I've become good friends with several guys (about your age) who first identified themselves as bi and later as gay. I'm not sure if it truly was part of the internal coming out process for them, or just a cover to ease the transition for others.

    I know a few gay guys who won't date bi guys under any circumstances. They worry they can't fulfill the all the urges forever and they're just setting themselves up to be "dumped for a vagina" eventually when that side kicks in.
     
  14. submit452

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    We live with our parents since birth, right? So wouldn't they already know if were LGBT already before us? They raised us and saw our unconsious selves right?
     
  15. Meniscus

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    kiwi, I started to write a reply but it was really long and not directly related to your question, so I put it in a new thread instead.

    http://www.lpsg.org/relationships-d...bisexual-guys-where-they-real.html#post927091

    A shorted and more direct answer to your question is that if you don't come out in a broad, general way (the way gay people do), I would think that would make it really difficult for you to meet other gay/bi guys, and thus make it unlikely that you'll ever have a relationship with a guy. But it's easier to come out to the world if you also come out to your family.

    On second thought, maybe you should talk to other bi guys who have come out about the consequences of coming out. Are women willing to date openly bi guys or does that scare them off? Also, I think there's some hostility in the gay community towards guys who identify as bi, so you might want to find out what you're in for. Maybe you're better off not coming out, and meeting guys online instead. Then come out to your parents if and when the time is ever right.

    On a purely selfish note, there aren't enough gay men in the world, but there are plenty (too many?) straight men, so I wish all the bi guys would come out and play on the gay team.
     
  16. UtahCock

    UtahCock New Member

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    I veyr much agree wiht HOCKEYTIGER!


    Great post, dude!

    As someone who is bi, I completely agree (I just forgot to go into it)--when I am dating a woman, I am still bi, when I am dating a man, I am still bi.

    Sometimes I would rather not say anything because my partners can feel very self conscious (the men think I am goingn to leave them for a normal life with a woman, and the women fear I truly just want to fuck a man). I do my best to reassure them that when I am in love and in an exlcusive relationship, there is only one person I want to make love with.
     
  17. SomeGuyOverThere

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    For the parent question, I think it's a matter of if you feel the necessity to.

    It depends on a lot of things, but personally I haven't tell my parents. A few friends know, but that's it. I would tell them (I'd have to) if I had a serious boyfriend, but a fuck buddy or a one night stand isn't really their business.

    But it's your call, you know your parents and only you can judge the likelyhood of bringing home a boyfriend, if that's low, then it doesn't matter much IMHO, but if you're going to go ask a guy out, it might be a good idea to let your parents know, to:

    A: Save yourself the embarressment of freudulan slips "Me and my boyfri... I mean... Mark were at the shops..."

    B: Save yourself the embarressment of the grapvine "I saw your son down at the cinema with his boyfriend... oh... you didn't know?"

    C: Give your parents a heads up so that when/if you want to introduce them to your boyfriend it's had time to sink in etc.
     
  18. Male Bonding etc

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    Okay, I seem to be following SomeGuy around today... lol

    There are any number of things that I've decided are easier to be "discreet" about than to go blurting out to everyone. I donated sperm in college. Until it becomes apparent that that sperm resulted in a child or children, what's the point in telling my family? I've had relationships with men and women, but the lasting ones have been with women... for the most part... so, until I fall in love with some guy, what's the point in going there with family. I did tell my wife before we married about the range of my activities, and any time I get serious enough about a women to think we might marry, I tell them also.

    Yes, this means that I have withheld information from loved ones, and I have taken an easier path and so on. However, being totally honest is a little like telling them intimate details about your life. "Mom, the only sex I really have with guys is them sucking my dick."
     
  19. Male Bonding etc

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    Since there are two threads on this subject and the lines between them are getting muddied, I'll just drop these thoughts in on this one:

    The hyper sensitivity on the subject of people's children being gay complicates things, particularly for those children. I think a lot of guys like me would have arrived at a comfortable understanding of their sexual drives at a much earlier age if there was not so much misguided emphasis on being either gay OR straight. Some of us are just going to land somewhere in between.

    Additionally, as long as there is a stigma attached to being one of them (oh, WHICH might that be!?), it's going to be that much harder for young men (and women) to explore what they need to explore and settle wherever it is most appropriate for them to settle. Parents can start by loving their children UNCONDITIONALLY and understanding that some exploration is going to happen. Some kids are just going to be gay, and some are just going to defy simple labels.
     
  20. fortiesfun

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    I strongly agree with most of what has been written, but perhaps it would put this question in perspective to approach it as one does coaching a "gay" person to come out:

    The reason for telling your parents of your sexual orientation is to build an honest, adult relationship with them. If you want to benefit from their wisdom, their protection, and their familial kindness, then you want them to know who you are in an honest and deep way so that they have a relationship with YOU, not with some half-informed image of what they thought you would be.

    That is the ideal situation, but it implies that your parents are educated (that is have access to information about sexual orientations) and enlightened (capable of taking it in and acting affirmatively on it).

    In support organizations young gay men are often cautioned to think, before taking this step, about two very specific caveats: 1. If you are financially dependent on them for your basic necessities, like a roof over your head, or for less pressing but still important keys to your future, such as college tuition, you need to think carefully about endangering that. If your parents are the type that could throw you out on the street, disinherit you, or cut off your college tuition, then you should delay until such time as you have a plan for how to deal with the consequences or until such time as you are self-supporting and it is no longer an issue. 2. Since the main point is to build a better relationships, if you believe in advance that coming out will lead to long-term dissolution of the relationship, because your parents will cut off contact, or one or both of them will be psychologically unable to handle it (you know, turn drama queen, self-medicate into a coma, etc) then what has been gained even if you are independent and don't need the support?

    There are some other really interesting threads on LPSG about the experience of coming out, on which my general take is that most parents react better than we expect them to in the first moment, go through a subsequent period of mourning for the loss of the het dreams and behave badly for a while (especially when they first meet an actual significant other instead of just dealing with the abstract concept that you like men), and finally come around to having something like a real relationship with you. BUT that can vary widely, from the parents who are elated at having a gay kid (there are some) to those on the opposite end of the spectrum who immediately and permanently reject their gay children.

    (The two strongest warning signs, btw, that you will have the latter experience is that your parents belong to a small and overtly homophobic social group, and/or that they subscribe to a religious faith that seeks contributions for anti-gay activity.)

    I'd say all of that applies to bisexuals as well as homosexuals, and it applies to anyone you are considering telling, not just your parents. No one really has a need to know your sexuality beyond those you are having sex with. (Those of us within sexual minorities sometimes fanatsize about what it would be like if your straight friends had to tell their parents, "Hey folks, I'm straight, but I only like anal sex, and only when my girlfriends is dressed as a nun," but the fact is that the conversation is not about our sexual behaviors or tastes, at all.) For all others, it is a matter of deciding if we can make life better by being honest. It is a great, liberating thing to be open about who you are. It is also collectively liberating, in a literal (political) sense, when all members of sexual minorities are open with society and demanding of their rights. Still, that needs to be weighed against the reality of your situation, which is very specific to you.
     
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