coming out good idea/time or bad time

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by rugger89, Dec 21, 2009.

  1. rugger89

    rugger89 Member

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    ok so its come to the point where i reckon i have to do it (and need to)...i had originally set the date (yes i have a date :p ) for jan while i was on hols and write my mum a note...but im now thinking my sister might be a better option! This also means mum has someone to talk to about it because i sure as hell won't want to...

    The issue is the only time ill see my sister i reckon will be xmas eve/xmas

    So the question is...should i stick with January plan or should i got ahead with operation xmas eve?

    I have two concerns...1. ruining my sis xmas (poor thing)...That and the rest of the family finding out before i want them too
    2. trumping jesus birthday...i mean if anythings going to get u into hell... :wink:

    Thoughts anyone?

    p.s. some of u might say, y the need to tell but i feel its something i have to do...
     
    #1 rugger89, Dec 21, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2009
  2. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    That sent my left eye into spasms. Please consider writing in words of more-than-one-letter save when appropriate.
     
  3. pussnboots

    pussnboots New Member

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    Well, can I ask why Christmas? I mean, why then? And are you sure they don't know? Your sis? I knew way before my parents that my sister was gay. I think you might be surprised.....
     
  4. MickeyLee

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    "would you pass the potatoes to a homosexual?" a very effective way of coming out to the family around holidays and at meal times. just be prepared for your gym teacher aunt or your single at age 45 uncle slightly effeminate uncle to throw mash potatoes at you.

    coming out to your sister.. depends on the type of relationship you have with her. if y'all are close she probably already knows, so coming out if not going to destroy her world. she'll probably be happy you are finally at a place for self acceptance. she'll get all giggly that you trusted her with your big not-so-secret.

    Mom is a bigger issues, Moms are support in life so having her tizz out might be brutal for ya. what's her attitude toward the queer folks of the planet? even if she is a very live and get civil union'd kinda person she might still get taken for a knock finding out her son is gay. i think for parents they always have a bit of grieving to do no matter how okay about the gayness they might be. something of the person they always imagined you to be is gone. parent being parents always jump to how much harder life will be blahblahblahblah... just point out that you have been gay for as long as you've been breathing so it's not like things are about to change :p

    one thing.... you really should be willing to talk to your mother. you can set some limits, what you are willing to talk about and what's completely unreasonable to you. ya do need to let her talk it out, and maybe ask you a few question. mom types like knowing their kids are okay.

    1. i'm okay, mom.
    2. i am happy, mom.
    3. no, not a phase, mom.
    4. yes, i'm safe, mom. last sex question, mom.
    5. no, you're gonna tell dad.

    if you have a come out by expiration date stick to it. worse comes worse, you coming out is the new time mark. all family events will be measured by proximity to you coming out.

    Dad:When did we go to Italy on vacation?"
    Mom: It's was two years after Rugger ruined xmas by coming out"

    Sis: How old is Thomas son?
    Lil Bro: 5, born 3 years before Rugger ruined Xmas.

    see... infamy dude. gay dudes love infamy.
     
  5. pussnboots

    pussnboots New Member

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    omg, that's funny! No way! Family is now measured by his coming out???

    lol, put the pressure on him a bit more! :)
     
  6. SomeGuyOverThere

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    I wouldn't come out at Christmas, as pointed out, "pass the potatoes dad, by the way I'm gay. This turkey is delicious, mum!" won't go down well.

    Leave it to the new year. New years day or New year's eve might be a good time as it feels like a turning point.
     
  7. pervasiveone

    pervasiveone Active Member

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    There is no "right" or "perfect" time to do it (trust me... I tried to find it).

    Christmas is a time for sharing, and what better gift to give the gift of honesty and openness.

    Best of luck!
     
  8. hung

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    I would humbly suggest that you come out on Valentine's Day. That would be far better than Christmas.

    May I suggest that it would be extremely hard to trump Jesus.

    Just that everyone is anticipating Christmas and what it should stand for.

    If I had a son and he came out on Christmas I do believe that would be a bit much.

    So in conclusion, at least wait until January.

    As others have suggested, your Sister may already know.
     
  9. CUBE

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    I would also consider the worst case scene. If they can't handle it and want you out can you take care of yourself? Being out is great but you can't live on the streets. Sometimes, for some people, it is better to come out whwn you are independent. I have had students that had to move out, stop college, etc and it has not been easy on them at all. So consider all options
     
  10. ruggerkit28

    ruggerkit28 Active Member

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    Assuming you are on good terms with your sister, then by all use some time over Christmas to tell her you will be happier having a relationship with men rather than women (I wouldn't be surprised if she had not already guessed). This gives you a chance to discuss with her how your parents will react.

    (As an aside, you can then have an opportunity to have a grumble about how awful your respective boyfriends are.........).

    Perhaps get her to meet some of your gay friends (even boyfriend, if you have one), even go on joint dates. This way she will know your friends and that they are not three headed troglodytes. (This assumes they are respectable, if they are not perhaps it would be best to skip this stage).

    Then decide when to tell your mum, and make sure your sister is there as well. I think telling your parents is a BAD idea.
     
  11. drac

    drac New Member

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    It all depends on what kind of people your parents are. If this is something that would bother them, then don't be a jerk and ruin their Christmas, you have gone this long without telling them you can go another month. Also, don't be a coward, tell them in person, not a note, at least this way you are standing firm on how you feel, this is just the way you are. Don't be ashamed of it.
     
  12. B_mitchymo

    B_mitchymo New Member

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    I think saving it till January is a great idea. Start the New Year 'known'.

    And it avoids any potential upset during xmas.

    Like a previous poster said, you should have an inkling of how the news would be recieved by each of your family to some degree.
     
  13. D_Harry_Crax

    D_Harry_Crax Account Disabled

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    Why Christmas? Why not come out on Hanukkah or Eid?
     
  14. yng_hung_london

    yng_hung_london Active Member

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    The time doesn't matter. Truth is, you'll be able to open up on the time it feels right, no earlier, no later. Just don't pass up on the opportunity.

    As I have experienced, and as many of my friends that did their coming out after me have, you never know what to expect, and you're often surprised about the whole thing.

    Just make sure you do it when the time is right, when you feel comfortable and when you have a bit of time to talk about it afterwards.

    I say, if you feel it, do it. Simple as.
     
  15. rugger89

    rugger89 Member

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    Thanks for the advice guys! im definatly thinking maybe january is the best idea...

    I think while me being gay would explain alot, i think perhaps with my family's case its more a willfull blindness scenario...While mum maintains shes not homophobic im pretty sure she partially is and it will be an issue (cue the crying)...My sister is older than me and she probably will take it the best (or least less badly) i think...Plus shes married and has a house of her own so if i get kicked out i have somewhere to say. Having said that im pretty sure i wont be kicked out :p

    THe only reason why i was picking christmas is because my sister is going away after christmas and then she has work, and then im going away...I might just schedule a lunch with her sometime lol.

    Lol @ mickey yep mum can so do the telling the rest of the family job...

    Ill keep u all posted i guess. Who could of thought it would be so nerve racking! I know my friends will be behind me at any rate, and ive told one...I dont have any gay friends to base a comparison on tho...
     
    #15 rugger89, Dec 22, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2009
  16. D_Shermie Shtoinkle

    D_Shermie Shtoinkle New Member

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    stop making plans you may find that the right moment turns up totally unexpected..
     
  17. drac

    drac New Member

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    I think that if you wait, it would be just as affective if you speak to your sister on the phone about it. Maybe since she is older than you, she may know a little more about your parents and how to best approach them.

    Doesn't sound like your mum is homophobic, but considering most of the population of this planet consider a male and a female together with children makes the most sense for first off, procreation which is innately better than adoption, and that children whether anyone thinks so or not, really do need both a father and mother figure in their growing up, yes it gives them a better ability to be more well rounded under the right situation. And your mum probably isn't interested in seeing you with a woman, but since that is her lifestyle it would be a lot easier for her than to imagine you, well, getting plowed by a man. But keep in mind, these are old ideals and the new generation are more adaptive to the alternatives because what really matters now, is that we all have the right to do what makes us happy. Good luck.
     
  18. aussietango

    aussietango Member

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    Hey Rugger
    Is the Rev Fred Nile still alive? Is he a friend of the family?
    As I remember he was always a bit bloody minded and outspoken about his horrendous views.
    What do your parents think of these?

    Is the Sydney Pride coming up in a few weeks? Would your mother travel in with you?
    Could be a good laugh.... or a learning curve. If you are not out by then and still want to - a great opportunity.

    It does seem that much of the advice given already is worth considering.
    However you never know - and you are in Sydney, which, while on the surface will embrace you this does not mean that your family will.

    Your sense that you won't get kicked out is probably correct. However it is worth spending a few moments considering the possibility of you heading to the bus stop with a black bag full of your dirty linen..... and the colour of the shoes you might be forced into wearing as you board that bus.

    No matter how much you practice what you think you would like to say and how it will probably feel like you have blurted it out. Yes you are still the son that they love and are proud of...... just dont mention the bum thing. cf: Queer as Folk

    Did it, will it, could it ruin christmas. This is not news of a tsunami - or is it? It's just you being who you are. Could mean that you get more colourful gifts next year. Think pink shirt and not servicable green, calvin boxers in many colours not the grey 3 pack, hair gel and face cream not more old spice.
    Did you buy 'A Beautiful Thing' for your mother?

    In the end only you will know when the time is right. I'm not sure if putting a gay-by date on yourself is the way to go. When you feel confident, relaxed, at ease with the company - perhaps that being your mother in this instance, have a bit of time on your hands, and a box of tissues close by, positioning yourself between the company and the exit.... then this might be the time. If that is at xmas, Jan 2010 or 2020 it doesnt matter.

    Yes Rugger they may already have names picked for the grandchildren. That dream will be shattered and how. The blood line stops with you. How selfish is that bigboy?

    I can only wish you well and how your might imagine it will. Its difficult to understand sometimes what unfolds in life and hearing that what is meant to happen will happen.
    Here's me hoping its a marvelous empowering experience for you.
     
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