Not sure about others, but it actually bothers me to hear "I have known for years" from a parent in regards to a child coming out. They think that it is better off letting their child come out on their own and be comfortable with it themselves, but I see it in the opposing light. If a parent knows that their child is gay, why not be there for them when you know they are dealing with a lot of issues emotionally? So much of their anxiety comes from their fear of being rejected from their parents, so why not help your child through this time, and express your support for them?
Another thing, after watching quite a few bullycide documentaries and stories, it seems outrageous how little the parents actually involved themselves with their kids being out publicly at a young age. I do not see complaining to school administration as being enough to help your child out when you know and see the torment and struggles he goes through. Why is not a change of school or a total relocation out of the picture? Is it not financially the best option for you? But in hindsight is that loss financially worth the loss of a child, I doubt it. What I am getting at, obviously, is parents need to be more involved with their children, whether or not met with resistance from their children.
When I finally did come out to my mom, her first response was "Do you think I'm blind?". But coming out to her was pretty tough: until I did so, she was the most blatantly verbal homophobe I'd ever met. Probably part of it was generational (she was a teen in the 50s) and part was undoubtedly cultural (she was a real-life prom queen, attending over a dozen, my dad was a quarterback in HS and college). And even though they were aware of homosexuals in society generally, realizing that their first-born (and only son) was gay must have been a kick in the teeth to them.
By the time I came out to them, I'd had years to condition them via my friends, my interests and activities. They stopped insisting that I play team sports and accepted my budding interest in theater at around the same time that I first started socializing with obviously (stereotypically) gay friends. So neither of them could claim any surprise (nor did they attempt to). And they were hard-core, John Birch Society reactionaries politically, so I didn't grow up in any hippy-dippy, love-you-anyway sort of environment. The one big thing I had on my side was their complete lack of religiosity: sin was never an issue.
One thing my mother said, either when I was telling her or a few days later, was that she found it sad that I was gay, because she felt that it was a solitary life and felt that I'd be lonely, especially as I got older. She couldn't contemplate a partnered lifestyle, or having a close circle of friends. And she was frequently critical of my choice of lovers, though she was always polite to their faces.
School was an issue for me, to a degree. The city I grew up in had two large HSs: North and South. All of my friends went to South, and I tried several times to get my parents to get me transferred, but they always refused, saying that transport would be an issue (I walked to North) and that I should make a greater effort to make friends at my school. Though I was bullied in Grammar and Junior High schools, by the time I got to HS (10th grade) I was pretty much a social pariah and ignored. I was well-known, but more as an untouchable than admired: I was a freak. My coming out was met with a vast, collective yawn. My coming out had made me, if anything even more of a freak.
On failure to have reasonable expectations, does anyone else also think that the media has contributed to this unrealistic expectations? A lot has been shown on TV/news on how easier it gets after coming out e.g. the It Gets Better project, rather than realistically depicting the actual situation? Coming out does make a lot of things better and more positive, but not without some negative effects. And being young, as phndoc mentioned the stress could be overwhelming.
I'll admit to a certain lack of knowledge regarding much of the contemporary media because I don't watch TV and haven't in years. But Dan Savage's It Gets Better program is definitely saving people's lives. Being a gay teen is one of the most stressful things a person can be, and any encouragement and compassion shown to them needs to be applauded.
Something rather similar happened to me in 8th grade, when I was still being bullied in Junior High. In a meeting with my guidance counselor, I confessed to having no friends at all (which was the truth). He looked at me with great compassion and empathy, in my opinion sensing that I was gay (without saying so), and nodded his head. "You probably will have a hard time making friends until you start college" was his reply.
To my 13-year old ears, that sounded like a life sentence of misery, but in hindsight was probably the best way of his saying that I just wasn't a good fit among my peers in that particular city. He was telling me that it really does get better, but that I'd need to go somewhere else to find it.
It was only by chance that, at 15, I found a group of kids on the other side of town who, if not gay or bi themselves, were at least completely comfortable with the concept. If I hadn't met and bonded with them, my entire youth would have been a very different (and much lonelier) place.
