Coming out of the closet

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Barbi_Queue, Mar 2, 2005.

  1. D_Barbi_Queue

    D_Barbi_Queue Account Disabled

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    For those that are gay, how did you come out of the closet, does your family know or just your friends, and how did your friends/family handle it?

    I only ask this b/c a good friend of mine has "come out" to all of his friends and siblings, but he has yet to tell his parents.
     
  2. txquis

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    Wow.
    Everyone's story is so different on this. It is like asking, what was your high school experience like?

    I was dealing with my sexuality in the 1980s.
    In that pre-internet, pre-outintheopen time, it was harder to sort it all out, and know that it was all going to be ok.
    I was long out of college before i told my parents.
    Actually, i was on relationship #3, and about to move away from texas
    when i finally did tell them.

    It was important for ME to tell the truth, but....in the end, i see they were happier in their denial. LOL.
    I knew i wouldnt get disowned, but it did stir up a lot of conversation and
    confusion and hurt feelings.
    I only told my parents....i did not include the rest of the family or even all my friends or colleagues.
    My policy has remained that i talk about it if i am asked. I dont volunteer anything.

    If it is important for the person's happiness that they "come out" in a public way, or to their family or whatever, fine. If not, fine.
    It is different for everyone.
     
  3. D_Barbi_Queue

    D_Barbi_Queue Account Disabled

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    I knew it would be different for many. Ironically, my friend has 2 older brothers that have already come out of the closet and the family handled it quite well. However, my friend's mom is not the mother of the other 2 boys, they were from his father's previous marriage. But he can't tell one parent, without the other knowing. His mom still has hopes of him getting married and having kids. I think that's the hard part for him.

    In his case, he's in his early 30's. He's only recently come to realize that he's gay, although it's been suspected for a long time by his sister (who happens to be my best friend) and most of us that know him well. He had his first experience about a year and a half ago, but waited til about October to tell us. (Us meaning his family, as he considers me like a sister as well).

    I'm glad he finally came out and can somewhat be himself now, but I have hopes that he'll come out fully to everyone soon. He's very close with his mom, and I know that he still has to hide part of himself when he's around her....which is pretty much all the time.
     
  4. tightfit

    tightfit New Member

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    For me - I was fifteen. I came out to my parents first (unless fooling around with my pals at that time could be thought of as coming out).
    Fortunately no problems with my mum and dad - they had to adjust to the idea though (full marks to them).
    Coming out means coming out - not just to a chosen few. If you're out, you're out - plain as that.
    I had problems with some of my 'friends' and a few neighbours but they had to deal with it.
    Never been in the closet since. I get a few 'cold shoulders' at the local pub but I never let it get to me.
    I was also fortunate to be involved in the Gay Liberation Front (who remembers the GLF?) and found great support there.
     
  5. Onslow

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    I was a very late bloomer. I didn't get out of the closet until I had screwed up two marriages. Mind you I stayed faithful during those marriages but was never completely there, mainly because I knew all along that I was gay, marriage was just what had to be done according to the (supposed) societal standards which I was trying desperately to adhere to.

    I came out very quietly, first telling a person I barely knew and then moving on to others. My family first found out when I showed up with a guy at a family function and this guy was clearly out of the closet and all over me physically. It would have made for a great movie since this was for my now deceased grandmothers 85th birthday celebration (I always was attempting to divert attention towards me). Shortly after that I admitted to my entire family what was what, although a few already knew.

    Reactions were all over the place, everything from shock and horrified hatred to the shrugging shoulders indicating it didn't bother them or change their feelings about me in the least.
    My mother tossed me to the side and never spoke to me again(not that great a loss folks). My brothers took it all in stride, as did my ex-wives. My daughter is okay with it and so is my older son, the younger one is still rather distant but that may just be who he is so I'm trying not to read too much into it (he is fairly distant with everyone). I figure he hasn't pushed me out of his life so it isn't that bad. The fact of the matter is that except for my mother, nobody felt my being gay was a reason to end communications.

    As to who knows, these days it would be anybody who knows me. I do not hold back on my sexuality and for the most part people seem okay by it, there haven't been any petitions drawn up (that I know of) to have me chased out of town and nobody has said they can't associate with me because I'm gay.
     
  6. jonb

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    If nothing else, after you come out, you know who your real friends are. :pals:
     
  7. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    I don't have a family as such so I've never needed to worry about that. I generally don't talk to people about my own sexuality or sex life unless they specifically ask (and even then, if I figure they have no right to know, I'll say so).

    basically I don't think anyone else actually needs to know anything about me in sexual terms unless they're intending to have sex with me. if the topic is raised I have no problem discussing it, I've just never had any particular reason to bring it up deliberately myself.

    I mean, I don't especially care if I'm gay or straight or whatever, why the hell would anyone else be bothered about it? :shrug:
     
  8. Blood rose

    Blood rose New Member

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    Well I haven't really "came" out, yet I'm bisexual(but like women more than men), so it isn't a real focus of mine to come out at the moment. Plus where I live, it's extremely homophobic. Either by people in my school, at home, or anywhere in the city in general. :( So no man loving for me at the moment.
     
  9. madame_zora

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    I must say, I love your attitude! I don't see why anyone would care about another's orientation, unless they were planning on having sex with them.
     
  10. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    A good friend of mine who was somewhat homophobic use to always make little gay jokes until his little brother recently came out the closest...I mean I had no idea the many times I met his little brother that he was gay but it was never an issue w/me...But I think in ways it helped my friend I mean he gets really upset if one of our friends make any kind of little gay jokes around him because he really cares about his brother...Now his little brother is quite vocal about being gay...I mean sometimes after he meets you and say hello - the next sentence out of his mouth is that he is gay...It is pretty funny when he does it...
     
  11. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    I'm lucky. I was worried about coming out because I come from a very macho-oriented culture. Cubans are not known for their compassion towards maricones. But I care about my family and my friends and just couldn't try to keep such a secret. I didn't feel that I was dirty or depraved, and I hoped that those I loved could see things as I did. I came out to my parents when I was sixteen. They were surprised; they certainly didn't expect it. When I told my father, he said, "I see. Are you okay with it?" I told him that I had come to terms with it, and he said that it didn't affect his love for me. I was his son, and I always would be. My mom said, "Let me think about this for a while." After about 45 seconds, she said, "Well, I've thought about it. Come give me a kiss." I came out to my best friend about a half a year later. His response: "You're gay? Does that mean you want to suck my dick, or what?" I replied, "I'd rather have a pizza right now." He said, "Cool. Let's go to Pizza King." And no ... I never had sex with him. My parents accept my sexuality, and so do my friends. If some people have a problem with my sexuality, that's fine; I don't need them.
     
  12. jonb

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    Yeah, but you're not a maricon anyway; you're still an ass virgin. (Even if that's the only part of you which is.)

    Gender roles are such that any culture can be described as to some extent macho. And mariana as well. People will strive to fit the masculine or feminine role of their society. (In Lakota, when the adjectives bloka and winyela are used as nouns, they refer to our type of machismo and marianismo, respectively.)

    One of the more interesting stories about slavery is that Indians would commit suicide rather than be slaves because real men hunted or fished.
     
  13. Imported

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    TexasGuy: I'm a long time lurker but I'll "come out of the closet" on this one. I told my parents and siblings when I was in my late 20s. How did it go? Well, my parents continued to love me for the rest of their lives but that was one part of my life we didn't discuss. Once they were assured I was HIV negative, they didn't really want to know much more. My siblings are similarly uncomfortable. I didn't force the issue. My family is from a small community in Ohio and I think it's a matter of some confusion / embarrassment for them.

    As for coming out to friends, I'm only out to my closest friends and only a limited number of them at work. All of them have been cool and love me just the same.
     
  14. yaoifun

    yaoifun New Member

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    Your lucky. I'm sure when I do, I'll have mixed reactions. Well I know my dad would kick me out (I live with him) which is why I DO want to tell him, mom I duno shes a mixed bag, as are some of my friends. It would take me serious thinking before I did anything. So far theres aobut 3 people who I KNOW would be OK with it, but I just gotta consider the rest. So far as I see it, if they're really
    my friends, they will be chill with it, but call me a sap, I just don't feel like losing any more people than I have to and already have. One of my "friends" when I was in 7th grade that I was gay (at that point I still thought of myself as straight, and actually had crushes on girls before (hence my 1%)) And about half my friends ditched me. They pretended to be OK with it (no matter how many times I told them that I wasn't, they didn't believe me) but we eventually drifted away by the end of summer. It hurt, I'll admit, but oh well. It's better to know who's really your unconditional friend rather than be lead on that you have a friend, but sometimes, the truth just plain hurts like a bitch. I'll come out someday, probably soon, but no matter what happens, I'll be adamant that it's MY life, and I'll do what I want with it, enjoying every last second of it!
     
  15. Dr Rock

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    well, that makes a refreshing change. most people seem to get pissed off. like we should all be wearing our groins on our sleeves, so to speak. I think frank and open discussion of sexuality is vital to healthy interaction ... but it ceases to become healthy when it's adopted as the default basis of conversation. like anything else.
     
  16. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    I don't know how the rest of the Latino world views the distinction, but to Cubans anyone who sucks cock is a maricón whether or not the ass ever comes into play.
     
  17. Freddie53

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    Our thoughts will be with you. I hate it that you think your dad will kick you out. You know him better than we do. Personally, I love my three sons. They are my sons. They will be as long as I live and beyond. No way would I disown one of my sons. There is nothing, absolutely nothing they can do to loose my love for them. I may be disappointed. And I would tell that if it were the case. But kick them out of the house? No, it would only be for purposes to help them such as getting them to become independent when they are in their mid twenties and it is time for them to start their own adult life in their own home. And then I wouldn't call it kicking them out.

    I can't support you financially son. I am disabled. But I will provide any emotional support you need. Thanks for telling us your situation.

    I am here if I can help you.

    Freddie



    Your lucky. I'm sure when I do, I'll have mixed reactions. Well I know my dad would kick me out (I live with him) which is why I DO want to tell him, mom I duno shes a mixed bag, as are some of my friends. It would take me serious thinking before I did anything. So far theres aobut 3 people who I KNOW would be OK with it, but I just gotta consider the rest. So far as I see it, if they're really
    my friends, they will be chill with it, but call me a sap, I just don't feel like losing any more people than I have to and already have. One of my "friends" when I was in 7th grade that I was gay (at that point I still thought of myself as straight, and actually had crushes on girls before (hence my 1%)) And about half my friends ditched me. They pretended to be OK with it (no matter how many times I told them that I wasn't, they didn't believe me) but we eventually drifted away by the end of summer. It hurt, I'll admit, but oh well. It's better to know who's really your unconditional friend rather than be lead on that you have a friend, but sometimes, the truth just plain hurts like a bitch. I'll come out someday, probably soon, but no matter what happens, I'll be adamant that it's MY life, and I'll do what I want with it, enjoying every last second of it!
    [post=287919]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]
     
  18. txquis

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    Even if a parent still "loves" you and doesnt disown you,
    their lack of support can be devastating.

    My father is "disappointed". He still "loves" me, though, all the while he tells me
    how let down he is, how he wont have grandchildren,
    how it is embarassing to him, how he wishes i had left him in the dark about the whole thing.
    A parent might as well say, "I'm disappointed that you are yourself".
    "Son, you have brown eyes. I am disappointed"
    "Son, you are left handed. I am disappointed."

    It might be true that you are disappointed, but DO NOT
    SAY THAT TO YOUR CHILD. THAT IS CONDITIONAL LOVE.

    He has made it quite clear that i can come to thanksgiving dinner,
    but not a partner.
    Even more disappointing, my father is an educated, enlightened person,
    "I love gay people, I just dont want one in my family".

    i now feel like i have much less of a relationship with him because of coming out to him.
    He feels that way, too.
     
  19. jeepwranglerboi

    jeepwranglerboi New Member

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    So many of these stories break my heart. I can also see myself in a lot of them too. I come from an Italian, Spanish and Jewish family (I know, I know). We are a very emotional and passionate people. We kiss each other on the cheek, throw our arms one another, think that food will solve every problem and yes, we talk with our hands a lot.

    I came out in high school. It's kinda funny that my family was a bit surprised when I came out, all stereotypes aside, I mean I went to a Performing Arts High School! I actually was more frightened to tell my best friend than I was to tell my family but she could have cared less. It didn't phase her a bit. Looking back I have always known that I was gay but being gay wasn't necessarily real to me until I had an emotional attachment to another guy. Sure sex was sex and it was good but when I had romantic feelings is when it all kinda clicked for me. Now it wasn't some major epiphany. The clouds didn't part and a rainbow didn't form in the sky and lead me over the mountain to 'Gay Land.' It just was. It's like the song 'A Quiet Thing' from the Kander and Ebb musical 'Flora The Red Menace.'

    When it all come true
    Just the way you planned
    It's funny but the bells don't ring
    It's a quiet thing
    When you hold the world
    In your trembling hand
    You think you'd hear a choir singing
    But it's a quiet thing
    There are no exploding fire works
    Where's the roaring of the crowd
    Maybe it's the strange new atmosphere
    Way up here among the clouds

    Happiness comes in on tiptoe
    Well, what do you know
    It's a quiet thing
    A very quiet thing...

    My parents are very accepting of me and they love me very much. Yes, I still get the "When can I have a grandchild?" hints but they know that I more than likely will not have a child. They have been very accepting and welcoming to my boyfriends. I think more than anything they just want me to find a guy and settle down with him. I have a great family and I feel very blessed to be a part of them. Sure, we have had our ups and downs but what family doesn't. Being a good Italian boy, I am also very close to my mother I tell her pretty much everything that goes on in my life. I leave out the sex stuff of course. I don't wanna hear about her sex life and I'm sure she doesn't want to hear about mine!

    All I can say to those of you that are afraid to come out is to take the time you need. Don't hide and don't pretend to be something that you are not. Remember that if they can't love you and accept you for you then you sure as hell don't need them to be a part of your life. I am blessed to have a large blood family that is loving, caring and supporting of me but I am even more so to have a family of friends that I wouldn't change for anything in the world.
     
  20. jonb

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    I don't know how the rest of the Latino world views the distinction, but to Cubans anyone who sucks cock is a maricón whether or not the ass ever comes into play.
    [post=287944]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]
    Oh, I was thinking of puto or maybe joto. Spanish words for gay get confusing because they describe every possible act, but the stigma's always on the pasivo.
     
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