Coming Out **Please Help =]**

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Pounder1817, Jan 9, 2010.

  1. Pounder1817

    Pounder1817 New Member

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    This is a really long, personal message about my life, and I hope some people are actually able to read it as I am looking for some legitimate help here =].

    Okay, so ever since I was a young kid I've been attracted to boys and girls - its just always been my thing. Previous to the relationship I am in now, I had never fallen in love with a guy, so I never really had to tell my family. But here is the dilemma. My boyfriend and I have been together for some time now, and I would really love to be able to bring him home to my father and stepmother whom I am living with until I graduate. They have absolutely no idea that I even think of guys, let alone have physical relationships with them, and are really close minded. I don't get along with them at all, but there are times that I wish I could spend with my boyfriend, so I want to tell them so I can have him over without having to hide anything (I hate lying, even though I really don't feel any guilt when I do). My mother knows that I'm "Bi," or whatever you'd like to label me, and knows that I have a boyfriend, and really thinks that I shouldn't tell my father because of our less than fantastic relationship and because I'm leaving - therefore, I wouldn't have to deal with his reaction or his judgement when out of the house. MY boyfriend doesn't really care eitheir way, as he is content as long as he knows I'm comfortable and I feel like I'm making the right decision for me. After I leave this house, I really don't plan on sharing too much of my life with my father anyways.

    Basically, I'm really unsure of what to do. I really am in love with this kid - and it's such an amazing feeling, and I honestly just want to be able to shout it from the rooftops whenever I feel like it without having to get chills or be nervous about who is listening to me. But on the other hand, I really don't need my father in my business, nor do I need his consent to date whoever wish.

    Any input, comments, questions, concerns, or whatever would be greatly appreciated! Thank you <3 =]
     
  2. B_mitchymo

    B_mitchymo New Member

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    Well, i have never told my father either because he is not a part of my life anymore, there was just no need. If you have a bad relationship AND he and your stepmom are closed minded then i would seriously not tell them. Yea so it means having to wait until you leave but better that than you being forced out or having to deal with more tension.

    I think you already probably know what you want to do but is it the best thing? The decision is yours and yours alone and you will have support from your bf and your mom if things don't go well. My advice as i've said is to forget about it, wait til you move out and that way it REALLY does'nt matter.
     
  3. Novaboy

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    I does not sound like a good situation to come out in. I'm not really sure what you hope to gaine as you don't sound like you really care that much about your father and step mother. Not sure if that helps. Way back when I only came out to people who I cared about.
     
  4. bek2335

    bek2335 New Member

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    I agree with mitchymo, Pounder. What would be the point of telling them right now? Appreciate the support you have from your mom and bf and go forward living your life. Get settled a little bit as an adult - in your own place or with bf - and then you are not so much at their mercy if you chose to tell them.
     
  5. Pounder1817

    Pounder1817 New Member

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    I care about my father and my stepmother. Or I want to at least - but honestly they have treated me like such shit since birth and honestly I don't give a fuck. The only thing is that from time to time I really wish my father and I had that bonding time between us where it would make it okay to tell him, and the reason I get so nervous about them finding out is because I kind of want them to accept it in a wierd way. But i guess I just have to deal with the fact that nothing is ever going to change.
    But what do I do? Just hide the fact that I'm in an amazing fucking relationship? I mean, Facebook makes it quite obvious that I'm "In a relationship" (lame, I know =p), but it doesnt say who due to the fact that even my father has a facebook. Ugh i hate hiding things. That and the fact that I sort opf long for that connection that won't be there make this so difficult.
    I really feel like I just need to let go, suck it up, hide it for now, and then see where the relationship between both my boyfriend and I, as well as myt father and I, go.
     
  6. Rowan Ravenseed

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    The general consensus of the people here not to tell your father is founded in common sense and practicality, however i would like to offer a different kind of practicality.

    As he is your father do you not feel that he has a right to choose to accept you for all you are? Even if the relationship is strained at the moment it is still by his choice in part to continue the relationship.

    All relationships require work from both parties, my own father and i do not get along, not really so much because i'm gay (because in his eyes me being gay had nothing to do with the fact that i'm ungrateful irresponsible and lazy) however despite our differences i continue to try and amend that gap.

    I'm not saying you should do the same or that your not doing all you can to be close to him, but as he is family he deserves the right to make his choice based on all the facts.

    In truth it probably wont end very happily from the sounds of it he may reject you when you tell him and this will hurt a great deal but in the future you can be HONEST with YOURSELF and say that you gave it every chance by being open and up front with him.
     
  7. Pounder1817

    Pounder1817 New Member

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    I honestly just don't want it to work. I've tried before, and this is the kind of the final straw for me. There have been many conflicts previous to the possibility of the conflicts created by this "problem" (asI know he will see it), so I think I'm just going to let ie pass on by and not really entertain his ridiculous criticisms and bullshit.
     
  8. bek2335

    bek2335 New Member

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    It's part of life that other people often disappoint us. Not having your dad love you like you want him to is a loss for you, and people go through definite emotional stages when suffering a loss. Don't be afraid of your feelings. but use support to help you deal with them. If you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling and don't try to avoid the pain, eventually the pain will subside and you will accept your father as he is and still be OK with yourself.
     
  9. B_lrgeggs

    B_lrgeggs New Member

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    Pounder,

    I agree with Bek...who is agreeing with the others. Your best bet is to wait until you graduate and are out of there, In the meantime concentrate on school...and good luck to you!!!
     
  10. B_mitchymo

    B_mitchymo New Member

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    Well i think you are doing the right thing if you just forget about it, having said that Rowan gave another angle that makes me wonder in light of what you have said wether or not the fact you have known about your preferences from such an early age has possibly somehow affected your relationship with your father. If you have this little secret that has caused you to hide in part who you are then maybe your dad has picked up on that so whilst not knowing the truth, subconciously is aware of something that is not quite right and so it may be that which is dividing you. It could be that if you tell him he will feel like everything adds up at last and it may bring you closer together.

    But i would still wait for that right time when you have some stability with space of your own just in case it all goes tits up.
     
  11. B_mitchymo

    B_mitchymo New Member

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    Thanks Phoebe ('s mom) :wink:
     
  12. sexplease

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    often when we're in love it shows. Perhaps just having him come to your home and introduce him as what is most importantly is, your friend, would be sufficient a first time introduction to your parents. I suggest you not blind-side your dad with the: "it's my life, I'm in love with ______, and we have awesome gay sex taking turns taking it up the ass and kiss like it's the last face-sucking on earth speech.
    Your lovers should really be your friend and that is often quite enough for all the people in your life. Or as my friends dad said to him upon disclosing his sexual preference, " why state the obvious."

    I was quite surprised at how my dad took my coming out. I kinda feared for the worst, but expected the best. and the best is what I received. He said he it's not something he understands , so if I were to have relationship problems he's probably not the best person to turn to, but I'm his son no matter what and that he will always love me and be there the best he could."
    I was speechless. We've had our share of father/son power struggles over the early years of my life, but I'm so glad I shared my life with him and accepted my dad and opened myself to his points of view and his solutions to life's challenges.

    Your dad can't be all bad- he raised you.
     
  13. SpeedoMike

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    if you had parent issues all your life, why would you expect things to suddenly change. you have to look forward and not look back. however, if you rely on the parents for some or all of your support, consider what you will do if they throw you out.
     
  14. ruggerkit28

    ruggerkit28 Active Member

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    I go with mitchymo. If it all goes wrong now, have you an escape route? If not, leave it till after you graduate and you are settled elsewhere.

    But do tell him at some time, remember that the longer you leave it the harder it gets (speaks from bitter experience).
     
  15. eyescream

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    Well, if you feel it's none of his business you should just live the way you live and get him to figure it out himself. You did mention after all that it's none of his business.
     
  16. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    Pounder, I agree with my buddy Mitch as well. Generally speaking, I support coming out in all aspects of your life as the healthiest way of expressing your developing psyche. However, in your case, I wouldn't do it while living at home. It sounds like it would create a difficult situation with your father and step-mother, at least in the short term.

    Wait until you've moved out and are living on your own. It will be much easier to deal with any repercussions when you're literally working from a place of total independence.


    In my case, when I came out at 19, I was living and going to school in Boston. Although my mother knew I was bisexual, she was not happy to hear that I was in love with my first boyfriend and we had a very rocky 18 months. I was told that he wasn't welcome in her home--although he had been prior to her knowing we were lovers--and so I told her neither was I. I was forbidden to see or call my little brother and sister although my lover and I had formerly stayed at my home taking care of them numerous times when my parents were in Europe. It took months of sometimes angry and always emotional meetings and discussions before she came to understand that things were not going to change, that if she did not [re]accept him she could not have me.

    Eventually, it all worked out and my parents became extremely accepting and supportive and we now have a wonderful relationship. But I can't imagine how difficult it would have been had I been living in their house during that time.

    So for now, I think it would be best if you kept your good news to yourself.
     
    #16 B_Nick8, Jan 10, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2010
  17. AlextheRedhead

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    Be strong and know that you are loved
     
  18. avg_joe

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    What is the point of coming out of the closet? If that would make a big difference to your life, advertise to the whole world that you are gay, bi, or whatever. It's your choice, and you are the one who has to bear the consequences. It's your life. You can do whatever you want.
     
  19. JJumbo

    JJumbo Active Member

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    Mate, just don't say a word. I did twenty three years ago and it fucked everything up. I thought they were supportive (they had been amazingly so about everything else) but this they couldn't accept. OK, so we are one generation forward but what's the point? Over the years it'll kind of get accepted tacitly. Telling my parents was the worst thing I ever ever did and completely fucked up my relationship with them for all time. Just go and enjoy yourself and don't make a big deal of having to be honest to everyone. Good luck. I know just how you are feeling.
     
  20. Pounder1817

    Pounder1817 New Member

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    PS** Im already out to all my friends, everyone at school, work, and even my mom - just not my father or my step mom =]
     
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