Coming out to Family

jameshawket

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And my friends have certainly been a better family through this whole process than my real family did. A few of them took me in for the night just so I could have someone to be with, many have offered to make me dinner if I wanted it, offered rides, helped me with how I can handle different situations. In most situations, my parents would just say "deal with it, your dad/mom and I had a much harder life than you did growing up and we turned out fine" and there would be very little empathy, whereas all of my friends have empathised with anything I'm going through. When my Christian parents said they thought my boyfriend and I are disgusting and going to hell, my Christian FREINDS asked when they could meet him, when we could come over for dinner, and asked when we could start double dating. So far my friends have come up ahead of my family who is supposed to love and support me no matter what. Friends aren't supposed to be that, yet they have been just that for me.
 

matelalique

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Echoing what many others have said - congrats on coming out to them when you must have expected a reaction something like this one. I'm impressed by how well you seem to be reacting to it.

One thing that did disturb me was you mentioned they keep sending emails reminding you how wrong and evil you are. You don't need this kind of regular abuse in your life, and I would suggest that you send them a very curt email telling them that these emails need to stop.

I'm glad you've built a new family around yourself. Hopefully someone (like a priest) will slap some sense into your old family at some point. Good luck.
 

xX_Sarah_Xx

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Wow. My heart goes out to you. That's so incredibly hard to deal with... I honestly personally wouldn't know how to.

I can only hope, with time, your family will slowly come to realize that if they want you to be yourself, they have to accept you for who you really are. That you're still the same loving, caring person they knew before you came out to them.
You have dropped "a bomb" on their beliefs, on their way of seeing the world. It will take time for those firm beliefs to change. In the end, family is family, and I really do hope they come to realize this.
In the mean time, good luck. Hold on to your friends, to your boyfriend, to the ones that love you and care for you and worry for you going through this tough situation.
 

ex1lepr0

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I'm glad that you have your friends to support you. I think sometimes friends count for more than family. Also, congratulations on your impending marriage! I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck! :biggrin1:
 
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I'm sorry that you had to go through that with your family.I hope your future is filled with joy and happiness.
 

Novaboy

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I'm a firm believer that in the end...family is all one has and Friends will not be there.


So are you saying that the OP should reject his boyfriend and who he is inside to please his parents because he won't always have the friends he has now?
 

B_Nick8

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Coming out to your family is often a risk. When I did, I was threatened with being cut off with college funds (ultimately it didn't happen but I genuinely thought it would), and I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't go home for a year and a half even though I went to school in Boston and they lived in Marblehead, only 20 miles away. My little sister and brother were forbidden to call me which was difficult because we were very close although they did and my mother didn't enforce it because she could have checked the phone bills.

Since my mom worked three days a week in Boston, we would meet "for lunch" every three weeks or so "to talk". Of course, we never got to eat. We'd start to walk toward the waterfront and she would yell and I would cry and then I would yell and she would cry and then we'd part. About three weeks later, we'd try it again.

The crux of the issue was my boyfriend. We'd been together for a year. I was 20 and a sophomore. She'd known him very well before she found the picture of us in a kiss. So well, in fact, that we used to stay at our house to take care of the kids when she and my step-father were abroad on work trips and vacations to take care of them, commuting into town for school. But suddenly, when she found the picture, he wasn't welcome in "our" house so, as far as I was concerned, was I.

In a sense, I had an easy coming out. I fought for a person, not a concept. I didnt have to say "You have to accept that I like to sleep with men", I got to say "If you won't accept that I love Bruce, you don't love me." I understand that there's a difference. But I will say this: nothing I ever did was better for my maturation than coming out. Nothing had a greater impact on my life. Nothing ever made me hold my head higher. Although my mother's threats turned out not to be true, I did not know that at the time and I believed them and I took every step I needed to to proceed as though they were. I was totally prepared to go on with my life on my own terms. I realized at 20 that my principles--and myself--were more important than what anyone else told me to be. In the end, I was just luckier than I had hoped to be. But I was well prepared not to be.

I wish you all the best.
 

FRE

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I was outed to my parents when I was 20; that was in 1958. Things were far worse then and I had absolutely no support. I was actually close to suicide. They actually disowned me; it was a very traumatic experience. To make matters worse, I received extremely negative letters from my mother. If I had it to do over again, I'd cut them off until I could finally get my head together.

More recently, I learned that the reason it blew over a few months later was that friends of the family told my parents that they were being much too harsh. However, we never could discuss it.

My parents weren't especially religious, even though they were church members, so at least I didn't continually have Bible quotations thrown at me.

Here is a source of Bible quotations that can be thrown at people who use quotations to condemn gay men and women:

Evil Bible Home Page

I don't agree with the attitude of the above website. As I see it, the Bible consists of many separate scriptures which should not all be treated equally. However, there are quotations which rabid literal-minded fulminating fundamentalists would have trouble dealing with, so arming oneself with those quotations could be helpful.
 

mikeyinbrooklyn

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I applaud you, and hope your family comes around. Luckily for me, my coming out was easy and pain free. But I have several friends who had rough experiences.

If you had a warm, loving family prior to coming out, I think you will eventually get that back, after they come to grips with it (read below). If you didn't, cut them out of your life for your own good. If your family were hateful bigots before you came out, you will waste your time trying to convince them otherwise. In that scenario, I would probably write them a letter explaining that if they can release their hate, then they should feel free to call. Until then, it would be best to go your separate ways.

But, it seems to me from some of their comments that they are terrified of you being gay, and a terror-based reaction will be inherently irrational. Fear and hate are not the same thing. Most people that I've known who are homophobic are actually not hateful. They have fears, most of them not based in fact. If they are genuinely religious (and I am both proudly gay and practicing Christian; it is possible to be both), they might fear for your soul. They may feel that they have failed as parents because (from their perspective) you became gay. They may fear for your safety (AIDS is a fear of course, but so is ostracism and gay-bashing). If they have both love for you and irrational fears, time and discussion can ease them.

If I were you, I would try calling whichever parent is more easygoing, and explaining why you told them in the first place. I would tell mom or dad that you never wanted to hurt them, but you didn't want them to know someone you weren't. I would invite them to ask any questions they have. This situation- if you want a relationship with them- will require you to be the bigger person. You are in no way in the wrong, but it sounds like they cannot reconnect with the real you without your prodding and help. You need to be reassuring to them, but never apologetic. You have overcome suppressing the real you, and are now out. I would encourage you to let them know that when they are ready, you are there to help him overcome their fears and have their son back. Many great, proud parents of gay people were not warm and loving at first when they heard. They go into defensive shock. While I think deep down most parents know, they are often wearing blinders. Strangely, there are times when you need to parent your parents, and lead them along to being better people. I hope you get the opportunity.

You have some thinking to do about whether you can have/want a future relationship with your family. Regardless, you are brave and in the right in coming out. Staying closeted is the path to deception and misery. Coming out, in and of itself, is the right way to go. The details vary case by case, though, and can be very traumatic. Be proud, but also compassionate for your friends and family. Do not give in to returning hate to haters. Be available for anyone when they are trying to lovingly be in your life. Keep everyone else at arm's length. You are an adult in the free world. Don't give anyone- family or otherwise- the power to make your life miserable.

I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to message me if you need non-public advice.
 

B_debonair87

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that sucks.

my friend who came out to me 2 1/2 years ago was forced to come out to his family earlier this year. his sis caught him and his bf drunk and making out and started WWIII with him in public. next day he told me he basically told his mom and bro who were not so ok with it but accepted him while his sister was still extremely pissed. and he was closer to his sister than all of them. luckily he was living on his own and completely independent from his mother.

i think coming out is something you should do when you're fully independent. i've heard so many stories of people coming out and saying "my parents cut off my tuition, took my car, kicked me out the house, stopped paying my rent, cut me off financially etc.. etc.."

you should hope for the best and expect the worst
 

ruggerkit28

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Congratulations, you have done the right thing. I think your parents have taken an extreme view but looking at it from their point of view, they have spent, what, 20 years bring you up to be 'normal', and, by their standards you are not. They will see this as a failure on their part.

They will have expected you to get nice girlfriend, get married and have a couple of kids (hopefully in that order), secure job, house, mortgage. They could play with the grandchildren in their old age. This ain't gonna happen.

Think of social gatherings where they would introduce you to their friends, neighbours, as 'our son and his girlfriend'. They must be thinking how 'our son and his boyfriend' will sound. Their friends will think your parents have been failures.

I am not condoning your father's behaviour; that was despicable.

Do you have brothers/sisters? If you do, use them as a conduit back to your parents. Introduce them to your boyfriend. and your friends. Get them to join you both in going to bars and clubs. Let them see that you are living a perfectly normal life. Let them tell your parents that.

Your mother sounds as if she may have some sympathy, mothers always do. I wouldn't be surprised if she is rather shocked by her husband's behaviour. I suggest you write a letter, saying that you love them both, thank them for bring you up so well, but that it is your life and you are sure that both of them want you to be happy in the future and this is the way you will be happy. Don't apologise.

My first boyfriend was disowned by his father (warrant officer, paratroopers) when he came out. Years later his dad recognised that was the life that he was going to lead and they are now a normal father/son relationship.
 

dad4you

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Thank you all everyone. I really appreciate the support. I'm trying my best to love them despite the situation, and while it makes me sick that they acted that way, it was nothing less of my expectations of them.

They made it very clear, since I was 11, that if I ever told them I liked guys they would disown me. That's partially the reason why I waited until I had everything secure, and enough to take care of on my own that if they didn't want me in their lives anymore, I could take care of myself and not be dependent.

Things are going well as for now though, I have my friends, and my boyfriend, and all the support of those around me. I keep telling people, and I keep getting support. Which is wonderful.

So at 11 they had a strong enough feeling that you were gay to threaten you about it? Wow..
My condolences, of course. My own sisters disowned me for 5 years, then were in denial about it and very discouraging. About 3 years ago I finally had enough and stopped answering their contacts (birthday, holidays, etc). I feel sad about that, but I don't want to support their homophobic lives any longer. Thankfully my brother has been supportive.
 

FRE

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I applaud you, and hope your family comes around. Luckily for me, my coming out was easy and pain free. But I have several friends who had rough experiences.

If you had a warm, loving family prior to coming out, I think you will eventually get that back, after they come to grips with it (read below). If you didn't, cut them out of your life for your own good. If your family were hateful bigots before you came out, you will waste your time trying to convince them otherwise. In that scenario, I would probably write them a letter explaining that if they can release their hate, then they should feel free to call. Until then, it would be best to go your separate ways.

But, it seems to me from some of their comments that they are terrified of you being gay, and a terror-based reaction will be inherently irrational. Fear and hate are not the same thing. Most people that I've known who are homophobic are actually not hateful. They have fears, most of them not based in fact. If they are genuinely religious (and I am both proudly gay and practicing Christian; it is possible to be both), they might fear for your soul. They may feel that they have failed as parents because (from their perspective) you became gay. They may fear for your safety (AIDS is a fear of course, but so is ostracism and gay-bashing). If they have both love for you and irrational fears, time and discussion can ease them.

If I were you, I would try calling whichever parent is more easygoing, and explaining why you told them in the first place. I would tell mom or dad that you never wanted to hurt them, but you didn't want them to know someone you weren't. I would invite them to ask any questions they have. This situation- if you want a relationship with them- will require you to be the bigger person. You are in no way in the wrong, but it sounds like they cannot reconnect with the real you without your prodding and help. You need to be reassuring to them, but never apologetic. You have overcome suppressing the real you, and are now out. I would encourage you to let them know that when they are ready, you are there to help him overcome their fears and have their son back. Many great, proud parents of gay people were not warm and loving at first when they heard. They go into defensive shock. While I think deep down most parents know, they are often wearing blinders. Strangely, there are times when you need to parent your parents, and lead them along to being better people. I hope you get the opportunity.

You have some thinking to do about whether you can have/want a future relationship with your family. Regardless, you are brave and in the right in coming out. Staying closeted is the path to deception and misery. Coming out, in and of itself, is the right way to go. The details vary case by case, though, and can be very traumatic. Be proud, but also compassionate for your friends and family. Do not give in to returning hate to haters. Be available for anyone when they are trying to lovingly be in your life. Keep everyone else at arm's length. You are an adult in the free world. Don't give anyone- family or otherwise- the power to make your life miserable.

I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to message me if you need non-public advice.

I suggest that instead of calling to explain, that he write a letter. In conversation about highly emotional issues, it can be next to impossible to get a word in edgewise or to maintain thought continuity. Also, when something is written, it can be written very carefully, reviewed over a period of days, and edited to make sure that it is the best possible job of explaining. That generally is impossible with an oral conversation. Also, when a person receives a letter, he can read it several times to make sure that his understanding of it is correct. That cannot be done with oral conversation.

There are situations where oral conversation is best, but there are also situations where writing is better. In this situation, I believe that writing would be better.
 

jameshawket

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So at 11 they had a strong enough feeling that you were gay to threaten you about it? Wow..

To offer clarification:

My family was a part of a large Bible Study

Family A, well call them, had a son who came out.
Family B then flipped a frakin wig and blew the lid off of everything and outed the family at a gathering which all these Bible Study members were at except for family A.
Now, family A was sad, but they were encouraging of their son, and they loved him, and they refused to kick him out like others around them would do, hense the gossip at the gathering.
Families B-H then gossiped about them, behind their backs, continually about how they couldn't be real Christians because their son was gay, and speculating about the possible sins in the family, it was rather disgusting, and all this went on until family A found out and decided not to go to this Bible Study any more.
Now, me, being a sweet innocent 11 year old, didn't care about who people were or what they did, as long as they liked me, I liked them. I spent time with my friend, we'll call her L, who was in the same grade as gay son from family A, we'll call him K.
So I was eating lunch every day with L and K and two of their friends at school several months before and after this happened.
My dad caught wind that I was spending time with L, who was extremely supportive of K, and he got angry that I was spending time with a "fag". So my dad made it very clear not to spend time with L or K any more, because neither one of them were Christians, and they were both going to make me evil or something, and then he told me that if I ever did what K did to his family, he would do the right thing and disown me.
Somehow there was a disconnect that telling an 11 year old boy that if he had gay tendencies he'd end up on the street, but hey, I guess that's life.

That was a huge alphabet soup there, but I hope it all made sense.
 

D_Penny_Khandi

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I remember elementary school with all of the more type A kids being homophobic and in some ways I played along, but I didn't really understand what they were talking about, or understanding why it was wrong. In the end though, I'm definitely open minded, and are most who went through the choirs and bands and stuff haha.
 

alexhayley

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The same sort of thing happened to me. I wasn't kicked out, but I told my parents that I was bi, and they signed me up for a christian therapist right away. I went in and listened to him for the sake of my parents and it was utter bullshit to me. They said, unless I was reformed, they would not pay to send me to college, and yeah I had a bunch of scholarship, but they were supplying almost 20000 a year and there is no way I could be at college without their help. So back in the closet I went. I still feel like I can't tell anyone. If my parents even got an inkling of my sexuality, I would be pulled from college and locked at home forever. It is a sucky situation, I am so jealous that you have someone there who loves you, it seems to make it a little easier. Good luck bro.
 

FRE

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It's really sad that this sort of thing continues. Fortunately, many main-line churches are supportive. The Episcopal Church, and a few others as well, is actually working on a liturgy to marry same-sex couples.

In general, those churches that excoriate gay men and women are the same ones which supported racial discrimination and vociferously opposed inter-racial marriage.
 

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Wow. How incredibly sad. I think you need to tell your parents to stop contacting you, for now, because it's not constructive. Get in contact with them when you're ready. I know it's not that easy, but it sounds like you have a very good bunch of friends as back up.

It must be hard when you're not getting love from the people you most expect it from.