Coming out to Family

D_CountVonBhigBohner

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You are not alone James. I've heard many horror stories from friends who went through variations of what you have described. My oldest brother came out to my parents when I was 11 years old. Yes, there was yelling, crying, disappointment...the whole thing made me sick to my stomach. To hear my mom and dad say some of the things (although not as harsh as your parents) really scared me because I had a good idea at that point that I was bisexual.

The good news is that mine, and many of my friends parents got over it. Time heals all wounds. Right now, their dreams of the traditional wedding, a daughter-in-law, grandchildren, etc have been taken away from them. They are wondering what everyone is going to say/think. Unfortunately, what they should be worried about, is their son.

My parents DID get over themselves after a few months. My oldest brother is 100% gay. His courage made it easier for me because in all of the madness, I realized that I didn't need to hide the fact that I was bisexual. I never had to "come out" to my parents. As I got older, brought friends home, talked about things...I didn't hide from it. I'm sure they realized I was bisexual at a young age. Fortunately, it wasn't a dramatic event for me.

The best advise I can give you is....give them space to digest it. Let them calm down before trying to talk to them. Hopefully, they will realize that their lives aren't over, yours is just beginning.
 

Novaboy

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To offer clarification:

My family was a part of a large Bible Study

Family A, well call them, had a son who came out.
Family B then flipped a frakin wig and blew the lid off of everything and outed the family at a gathering which all these Bible Study members were at except for family A.
Now, family A was sad, but they were encouraging of their son, and they loved him, and they refused to kick him out like others around them would do, hense the gossip at the gathering.
Families B-H then gossiped about them, behind their backs, continually about how they couldn't be real Christians because their son was gay, and speculating about the possible sins in the family, it was rather disgusting, and all this went on until family A found out and decided not to go to this Bible Study any more.
Now, me, being a sweet innocent 11 year old, didn't care about who people were or what they did, as long as they liked me, I liked them. I spent time with my friend, we'll call her L, who was in the same grade as gay son from family A, we'll call him K.
So I was eating lunch every day with L and K and two of their friends at school several months before and after this happened.
My dad caught wind that I was spending time with L, who was extremely supportive of K, and he got angry that I was spending time with a "fag". So my dad made it very clear not to spend time with L or K any more, because neither one of them were Christians, and they were both going to make me evil or something, and then he told me that if I ever did what K did to his family, he would do the right thing and disown me.
Somehow there was a disconnect that telling an 11 year old boy that if he had gay tendencies he'd end up on the street, but hey, I guess that's life.

That was a huge alphabet soup there, but I hope it all made sense.


These are the same people that would call Muslims and other religions "fanatics" but never realize that they are every bit as negative, hurtful and wrong as any religion taken to extremes.

I'm quite happy having no religious beliefs what so ever. My religion is live a good honest life.
 

dad4you

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To offer clarification:

My family was a part of a large Bible Study

Family A, well call them, had a son who came out.
Family B then flipped a frakin wig and blew the lid off of everything and outed the family at a gathering which all these Bible Study members were at except for family A.
Now, family A was sad, but they were encouraging of their son, and they loved him, and they refused to kick him out like others around them would do, hense the gossip at the gathering.
Families B-H then gossiped about them, behind their backs, continually about how they couldn't be real Christians because their son was gay, and speculating about the possible sins in the family, it was rather disgusting, and all this went on until family A found out and decided not to go to this Bible Study any more.
Now, me, being a sweet innocent 11 year old, didn't care about who people were or what they did, as long as they liked me, I liked them. I spent time with my friend, we'll call her L, who was in the same grade as gay son from family A, we'll call him K.
So I was eating lunch every day with L and K and two of their friends at school several months before and after this happened.
My dad caught wind that I was spending time with L, who was extremely supportive of K, and he got angry that I was spending time with a "fag". So my dad made it very clear not to spend time with L or K any more, because neither one of them were Christians, and they were both going to make me evil or something, and then he told me that if I ever did what K did to his family, he would do the right thing and disown me.
Somehow there was a disconnect that telling an 11 year old boy that if he had gay tendencies he'd end up on the street, but hey, I guess that's life.

That was a huge alphabet soup there, but I hope it all made sense.

How sad.. And of course, being the good Christians that they are gossip, that destroys the soul, is somehow better than loving someone to make the soul happy. This is one reason I quit being a "christian", even though Christ's message was supportive of ALL people. sigh
 

hairyversmuscle

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Gosh, I am so sorry about this buddy. I know how you feel. I did NOT have the same coming out experience but I am guessing had I come out in my late teens or early 20s it would have been but I was too chicken to do it. I came out at age 33, I am 36 now. 95% of my family is/was just fine with it. My boyfriend has met my entire family and they all love him, and he loves them, and I love my boyfriends family too.

That being said, my father, after knowing that I am in a gay relationship, after meeting my partner of 2 years, still asked me if I met any pretty girls at this wedding I was at. When I said, I was buying a new refrigerator and keeping the old one he asked "what does a single guy need with 2 refrigerators. He also said that right in front of my boyfriend in our home! So... its really tough for parents. It is hard for them to see you as anything but what they want you to be.

In your case, they want you to be straight, and you are not. My attitude is with all people, I am who I am, and I am very happy with who I am. I am a semi pro athlete, a business man, a home owner, have a great group of loved ones in my life, so no matter who you are, if you choose not to be part of my life that is your loss.

You parents will hopefully grow to understand their loss by excluding you and your boyfriend from their lives. You can remind them of it and how you are better off in life with out their negative influence. You can also let them know that you aren't the problem that needs to be fixed, and can give them contact info for support groups in your area for parents of gays and their intolerance can be fixed.
 

hungboy18

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You're perfect just the way you are, and if they don't understand something as easy as "I love a man" then they are extremely ignorant, it's not about them, not for a second should they say we when it comes to who YOU want to be with, and even if what you do goes against what they stand by it should still be ok, because you're their flesh and blood.

<3
 

hairyversmuscle

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Another thing you could do if it isn't too late...

I do have a few friends from high school that found out about me from facebook. I decided that I would add everyone and not be selective about who sees what. It was sort of a good outing because people got to find out through their own comfort levels. If they want to unfriend me, that is their choice, but I am being honest about who I am. Everyone who will see the pics will see who I am, who all my friends are and how happy I am.

So if its not too late, you can be as out as you want on facebook and keep your parents in the loop as to your life, your happiness etc.
 

jameshawket

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So when my parents kicked me out, my dad said not to post anything on facebook about it. Out of respect I'm not going to... for now. Once the dust has settled, and once communication fizzles out completely, like I know it will, then I'm going to announce. As it is, most people know.

I posted this morning that it's been five months, and people who I never told liked it, so they must know.

Also, I've posted pics of my guy and I, not anything that actually looks couple-y, just like we're friends. You can definitely tell that my guy is gay, there's nothing wrong with that, but you can tell that he is. So the majority of the people I've told kinda figured out themselves just by the pictures.

I appreciate the advice. It's into play :D