Coming out to parents when you live with them...

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

I don't want to discuss my sex life... I was them to know what/who I am!

So what is holding you back? It seems to be a genuine desire - you are not seeking their approval, are you? You just want to share. So why can't you go ahead?

 

[ramblk1]

Check this site out:

Telling Parents You're Gay - Manchester Parents Group

Also, check out:

Your parents have known you for a long time. Naturally, they have formed certain impressions of you. When you tell them that you're gay, it is likely to be a dramatic and significant moment in your relationship, regardless of their past impressions. It may not be easy, but your sensitivity, dignity and patience with them may help take your relationship to a new level of honesty in the future.

1. Accept your own sexuality and make an active decision about who you want to tell, how you want to tell them and when and where to do so. Coming out to family and longtime friends is often an emotionally charged time. Your consideration for them should guide you to think about what kind of support they may need to help them process this information.
2. Step 2
Prepare yourself to tell your parents by talking to someone else in their generation about it first. A little practice can help you focus on how you want to say things and when to be circumspect so that you don't overwhelm your parents with too much information.
3. Step 3
Anticipate your parents' responses to what you will tell them. Even if they have prejudices or homophobic feelings, the most important thing that they need to hear--whether or not they realize it immediately--is that you are safe and that you are living your life in a careful and fulfilling way.
4. Step 4
Allow your parents to ask you questions and tell you what they are thinking. Trying to anticipate their responses should not keep you from giving them a chance to have their own responses.
5. Step 5
Give your parents time to accept the information that you share with them. Remember that it probably took you some time to come to terms with your sexuality. Even if a parent's first response disappoints you, allow your parents a chance to evolve.
6. Step 6
Preempt gossip and triangulated communication among family members by understanding that other friends and family members may also be discussing the issue. Communicating directly with your parents puts the focus between you and them, where it should be.

 

[emo18]

I've wanted to tell my parents I prefer men for years... I can't!

Any tips?

Have them read this:

Sexual Orientation, Homosexuality,and Bisexuality

 

[emo18]

want a mother's POV?

you already know how they feel about gays...you'll know if they're homophobes or if they love nothing more than watching graham norton on the tele. so assuming they're cool:

come straight out with it. do it when you know they have time alone to take it in. tell them at the start of a quiet evening in, but tell a friend you might need a place to go if they need to be left alone. have a plan b.
let them be shocked. give them time to get over it.
they might need to mourn the loss of the future they dreamed for you...wedding, babies, etc.

good luck!

Maybe u shouldnt give advice if u arent good at it.

Sexual orientation does not interfere with reproductive capabilities. Many gays and lesbians have biological kids.

And same sex marriage is legal in some countries.

So noone has to give up weddings or babies....

 

[flame boy]

Personally, as I see it, you are taking a huge step by telling them something very personal to you. You don't have to do it, but I know I felt a great sense of relief and pride afterwards - you won't have to hide who you are to the people who (usually) know you the best. Getting advice about coming out is a very difficult thing as none of us know your situation or the people you will be dealing with - but one thing is for sure, you are doing something very brave and if you need any support just ask.

For me, it was one of the best things I did. If they decide they don't want to accept it, that is their issue, not yours.

 

[BigDallasDick8x6]

Me personally, I'd wait until I am living on my own before I break the news.

 

[Heads_Up]

To me, I don't think I have to tell my sexual orientation to anyone. People should mind their own businesses. Nobody needs to know whether I am straight or gay or Bi. It's nobody's business.

This.

 

[dolfette]

if it's important to him that he's open with his parents then it's important that he's open with his parents.

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

if it's important to him that he's open with his parents then it's important that he's open with his parents.

Yes, I seem to be leaning towards this position now. Yet, the OP is asking for tips.

Well, the "best" tip I could give is to talk to them without turning it into a drama, and not as if you were asking them to forgive you or to accept you.

Don't prepare anything in advance, but try to remain calm and cool, so you can handle whatever reaction they might have.

And never say: "Oh, I wish you would understand me!" This is like pitying them.

Be factual, but also sensible to their feelings.

The hardest part is to begin. To begin is "half the battle."

 

[D_Jared Padalicki]

I think you should tell when you are ready for it. I think it's ridiculous not to. You maybe don't have to because it's your life. But you always have these thoughts in your head, so that when you tell your parents your sexuality, you can finally have some peace of mind. So it is a benefit for you. Maybe your parents don't like it, but you finally are relieved you told them. And that is the best feeling you can have with such a huge thing you always had to deal with on your own.

 

[B_Stronzo]

I have no sound advice for you. I realize this is a difficult thing for many gay folks to do .. but there was no grand pronouncement or any dialogue about my homosexuality with my parents. I'm sure they sensed it with me from early-on and when I brought my first "date" (male) home for Sunday dinner he was included as anyone would have been.

It's simply heartbreaking the imposition of what parents do (often) when they presume to place expectations on their children which have nothing to do with the child but EVERYTHING to do with themselves.

Most people, in my view, have no business having children.

And as for people naming their child "so-and-so junior, III, or IV, I find it a telling sign. Instant "mini-me"! The human ego needs much honing.

 

[Iceman2215]

I have no idea what you are going through/facing...I think you are very brave!!

Good Luck

I

 

[D_Woody_Bush]

A number of replies said that your parents may already sense that you're gay. Speaking of my own experience, I was amazed how much parents will block out, if they want to (I was a student at the time and they had visited me in my student flat, where I had a wall full of black&white postcards of half naked men. Yet they did not bat an eye lid!)

Anyway, I understand why you want to tell them. Sexuality is a major factor in anybody's life and whilst your parents don't need to know what you get up to in the bedroom, you want them to know who you love (big difference, by the way).

There really is no right or wrong way to go about it. If you have a sibling you can trust, speak to them first. Or if you have a boyf or gay friends, let them know when you're about to come out, so they can be there for you to support you.

Obviously, try to catch your parents at a quiet time. Also, remember how long you may have gone over this again and again, so don't expect your parents to be fine with this within a few days - they are only human.

My parents were both 60 when I told them and I got the classic reaction: mum burst into tears, dad sat there stoney-faced. To their credit, the first thing they said was that I was and will be their son, no matter what. Even though it has been a long and sometimes slow treck, they did come round eventually.
Just make sure that you also remain open to answer any questions they may have or, if your parents would like it, put them in touch with a parent support group. You can contact London Lesbian&Gay Switchboard for any further tips and info.

Good luck!

 

[wanker]

Now I just need the courage ...

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

Now I just need the courage ...

Well, maybe it would help you to think ahead. Think of the relief you will experience after telling them. Think that you will no longer carry that burden on your shoulder. Think of the results (positive mostly, but also negative, mind you) that will come from your relevation.

I personally hate flying, but I would hurry into the first airplane, dying of fear nevertheless, if it were just meant to take me to where my love was.

That is just a fanciful example. :biggrin1:

 

[wanker]

For some reason I can't see past the actual event of coming out (not that is should be an 'event') It is like there is nothing beyond that... (I hope that isn't some ominous sign)

 

[Lex]

For some reason I can't see past the actual event of coming out (not that is should be an 'event') It is like there is nothing beyond that... (I hope that isn't some ominous sign)

Food for thought: Coming out is not so much an event as it is a process. You come out to your parents, other family members, friends, strangers, etc.

Each day (or so) there will be opportunities for you to be honest about who you are (in various ways).

Here are some another helpful website:
OutProud: Coming Out to Your Parents

 

[flame boy]

I completely agree with what Lex is saying.

Also, try not to consider it an "event" - doing so will only create more undue pressue. If you do decide to tell your parents, dont make a big deal out of it, as this will only encourage over the top reactions.

 

[D_Woody_Bush]

Its a catch 22 (sort of): you cannot think beyond the telling them because so much depends on how they'll react. But the only way to find that out is by telling them...

All you can do is make sure you're ready and calm. Try to plan ahead a little (perhaps decide whether you want to tell them separately or together); choose the time etc.

And yes, you'll be nervous and your heart will be pounding, but once you've told them its out there and then all of you have to deal with it and with each other's reactions.

 

[dolfette]

but don't get too upset bytheir first reactions.
that's the big thing.
people say all sorts of things they don't mean when they're in shock...give them time to get used to it and try not to judge them too harshly if they say something really stupid.