Coming out to straight male friends.

[someotherguy]

I've been scared to come out to my straight male friends. The only people who know about my bisexuality are female friends. I worry that my guy friends won't understand what being bisexual means and that they'll think I'm gay or looking to have sex with them. Believe me, I'm not attracted to any of them. Lol.

I mostly just worry that they'll act differently around me and won't see that I'm still the same person they've known for so long.

Are there any bi guys out there who have come out to their male friends? If so, how did they take it? How did you approach telling them? I don't want to have to hide this side of myself forever.

 

[steve r]

Hey man, i dont want to restate the last reply, but i thought of it like this. My friends are just that. Friends. And they like me as the person i am. Who i sleep with doesnt really concern them. And your actual friends wont care and will want u to be happy. With ur life and ur partner. I would doubt highly that they will shun u because ur bi man. And if they do, then good riddance. Yes, u might have the friend that will say i dont care as long as u dont try to sleep with me or something stupid like that, and ul have to answer that... of course not, i would never, have i ever before? Etc. And the ones wholl say thats cool i just dont want to hear abt ur "same sex" experiences. And the variations of that. But honestly.... 5 minutes after you tell them, id bet ur friendship goes back to the way it was before. All i want for all ofmy friends is for them to be honest and happy. However they have to acheive those goals is thier business. And, if u do lose a buddy, then im Sorry, but he was never really a buddy. And if u need a new buddy.... hi, my name is Steve.
Good luck man!!

 

[TobiasTalon70]

I recently came out bi to a very good male friend of mine. Told him it had no bearing on our friendship but that I thought he should know. He just took it in stride and our friendship hasn’t changed a bit because of it. As a matter of fact, I’d say it’s a bit stronger now that everything is open and honest.

 

[pengucat]

I honestly can say that to date I haven’t lost a friend due to my coming out as bi to them, and I’ve told just about everyone

 

[pengucat]

For what it’s worth, I’m from the south, too!

Still everyone has been cool. Even almost fucked a former all american linebacker who came on to me, but I backed out cause he seemed more like a drunk straight boy than an interested friend

 

[1007607]

Eventually you'll get to a place where others' perceptions of you don't matter. I'm a southern dude from a place that doesn't have positive views on the sexual spectrum especially on the LGBT communities. I hate to sound un-empathethic, because I'm not...but if your friends desert you after you gain comfort in your preferences--then they aren't your friends and aren't worth your time.

Good luck.

 

[someotherguy]

Thanks, everyone. I'm definitely overthinking this. Some friends have said slightly homophobic things around me and if I do come out and they stop being my friends then oh well. I'll miss them and wish things were different but no one needs that in their lives. I'm still weighing my options in regards to them but I'm glad my female friends have accepted me and it's like nothing's changed. I'm hopeful my male friends will too.

 

[Hockeytiger]

Eventually you'll get to a place where others' perceptions of you don't matter. I'm a southern dude from a place that doesn't have positive views on the sexual spectrum especially on the LGBT communities. I hate to sound un-empathethic, because I'm not...but if your friends desert you after you gain comfort in your preferences--then they aren't your friends and aren't worth your time.

Good luck.

Overall, I agree. You aren't in high school. Don't let your friends' potential prejudices determine what is best for you. I don't see how you can respect yourself if you are too afraid of the potential consequences of telling your friends a basic fact about yourself. My suggestion is to not worry about it much. Most will handle it fine if they haven't shown much overt bigotry already. When I came out to my friends, I simply just told them when the topic came up. Some didn't care. Some weren't thrilled, but valued the friendship enough to not let it end. And a few couldn't handle it and we are no longer friends. A loss to be sure, but not so much that I regret it at all. I feel far more confident in who I am with them than before, so it was well worth it.

 

[itscomplex]

I get your fears mate. I generally get the 'I'm ok, as long as you're not into me' reaction *pukes* And I always explain (esp. if said guy thinks he's the hottest man that ever lived) that they don't pass my marks. One guy friend treats me differently in a way ( he's basically 1000% sure I'm gonna get a guy, i.e. in his mind, since I'm not straight, I'm gay) but I don't need to prove my sexuality to anyone. Apart from that, he's still a friend. But yeah, the 'You don't like me now, do you?' is what I usually get. Best of luck! Coming out to friends made me feel better, made me stronger, in a way.

 

[sundancer]

I feel, and this is just my opinion, we worry about what our friends will think when we are younger. . As we get older, we decide we don't care what they think. When I was in my 20's I worried if my friends would accept me for being different (bisexual) and so I didn't talk about it. In my 30's and 40's, I decided I didn't care if they liked it or not. As I got even older, my sexuality isn't number 1 on my list. Its like 4 or 5th down the list. First I am male, second I try to be a good friend, 3rd, I make sure I am getting my needs met (food, shelter, job, etc) and then down the list is the "yea, I like boys, and girls too" so unless it comes up in conversation, I don't usually talk about it. There are a couple of guys, i know casually, and we like to work on engines together, etc. And 2 years later, it came up. Said "well, I have quit dating women. Too much drama. Men are much easier" then were shocked. But were OK with it. We had engines in common, work, technology. Sex wasn't really part of the relationship with these guys. And had they judged me on it, and didn't come around, well that's their choice. Don't care.

 

[223790]

Personally, I don't see the need for anyone to know this about me. Who I'm attracted to is my business and no one elses as far as I'm concerned.

 

[Hockeytiger]

Personally, I don't see the need for anyone to know this about me. Who I'm attracted to is my business and no one elses as far as I'm concerned.

I understand where you are coming from. I held a similar point of view for a while. But I realized I was doing it to avoid conflict when it wasn't necessary. But in doing so, I was implicitly admitting that my bisexuality should be hidden from view. That it is something to be ashamed of. That it is something "disgusting". I wasn't doing myself any favors by doing that. Part of coming out is first coming out to yourself, and that really is the toughest part. Coming out to yourself is a two step process. Frist, you need to admit to yourself that you are bi (and thus neither straight, nor gay). And then secondly, admitting that you are completely okay with that. It was this second part that I, especially, got hung up on. I found that once I got to that second part, I stopped giving a damn what others thought about my sex life and I couldn't respect myself by keeping it a secret any longer, though I had already come out to my wife when we started dating seriously and my family not long after that, so it wasn't a secret to that many people I cared about, but it was still a secret to a few. Maybe it is different for you, but give it some thought.

 

[Blether17]

 

[minimag]

Mine are more open minded. Some like to flash their cocks, and the rest don't seem to mind if I get "grab-assy" after drinking too much.

 

[dude77007]

Did it and it worked out OK for the most part, except there was one "friend" in the group that couldn't handle it...probably due to his own lack of self esteem from his body image and maybe little dick. When he got shit faced, he would make snide remarks and do things like point out a hot guy and ask me what did I think of him. He obviously had a problem with it. But he was part of the group of buddies I hung out with, otherwise I would not give him the time of day. The hurtful thing was that the rest of my buddies never really put him in his place for making these comments. Even since somewhat going our separate ways, what with marriage and moving away etc, I still consider some of them my very best friends and I think the feeling is mutual. The experience made me guarded regarding it being known. Personally, I believe in boundaries and I don't like the idea that people think that they have a right to know all my business.

 

[223790]

Did it and it worked out OK for the most part, except there was one "friend" in the group that couldn't handle it...probably due to his own lack of self esteem from his body image and maybe little dick. When he got shit faced, he would make snide remarks and do things like point out a hot guy and ask me what did I think of him. He obviously had a problem with it. But he was part of the group of buddies I hung out with, otherwise I would not give him the time of day. The hurtful thing was that the rest of my buddies never really put him in his place for making these comments. Even since somewhat going our separate ways, what with marriage and moving away etc, I still consider some of them my very best friends and I think the feeling is mutual. The experience made me guarded regarding it being known. Personally, I believe in boundaries and I don't like the idea that people think that they have a right to know all my business.

The guy that is giving you the hard time - kick him out of your life immediately. Make it clear that you will no longer be joining in on functions that involve him. I have a "friend" like that. I got sick of his constant snide remarks about my diet when we got together with old friends, so I will not hang out with him anymore. The message was quickly received when I stopped responding to invites for group togethers. I'm not the only one that has stopped responding to his invites, so I'm pretty sure that his childish and petty behavior is wearing on everyone.

As I mentioned earlier, who I am attracted to and who I am not attracted to is my business and no one else's business. This is nothing to do with denial - it's about privacy. Why people feel nowadays that everyone has to know every detail about their life, and they have to know every detail about everyone else's life is totally beyond me. I think this is a result of social media mentality where every whim, thought or action is posted online to be liked and commented on. Don't even get me started on social media. I hate it with every fiber of my being.

 

[dude77007]

The guy that is giving you the hard time - kick him out of your life immediately. Make it clear that you will no longer be joining in on functions that involve him. I have a "friend" like that. I got sick of his constant snide remarks about my diet when we got together with old friends, so I will not hang out with him anymore. The message was quickly received when I stopped responding to invites for group togethers. I'm not the only one that has stopped responding to his invites, so I'm pretty sure that his childish and petty behavior is wearing on everyone.

As I mentioned earlier, who I am attracted to and who I am not attracted to is my business and no one else's business. This is nothing to do with denial - it's about privacy. Why people feel nowadays that everyone has to know every detail about their life, and they have to know every detail about everyone else's life is totally beyond me. I think this is a result of social media mentality where every whim, thought or action is posted online to be liked and commented on. Don't even get me started on social media. I hate it with every fiber of my being.

Thank you. He came with the group so I dealt with it, but no he is out of my life now, run across him occasionally but I have subtly made it apparent I don't want anything to do with him. Back then, I was so self ashamed about my double life that I thought I had to put up will everyone and what they thought of me. Yes, people have no privacy/boundaries these days. Just because you want to tell me all your issues and problems doesn't mean I have to tell you mine. The other thing was I think he was telling everybody about me, like girls I was interested in. Bill

 

[N68]

@AG08


You and I continue to share commonalities Maybe it’s the year age difference that offers a different perspective.


Seems like we have a lot in common. I’m about a year or so younger than you. I just love your posts. And as one of those guys with assess, I appreciate, your appreciation.



I’m not bi/ never faked the funk. I can maybe offer a different perspective. Before I do, I want to emphasize I’m from an school of thought like @AG08. Ask yourself, why do you need to tell your friends to begin with?



@AG08, you and I agree 1000% on the influence of social media and the pressure is now ”EXPECTED” for you to let everyone know the most intimate things about you.


I personally don’t feel I have to. But this may not be why he feels a need to tell his friends.


@someotherguyhave you ever processed the reason for coming out.


I’m not out or out of any closet, like @AG08, I don’t; see the need to do unless your bond with them is that tight, you’d feel inauthentic if you didn’t say anything. To make it worse, if you feel you’re living a lie as they think they really know you.



Paraphrasing some military and clinical fields when it comes to self-disclosure, consider the right person, time, reason, place, degree of involvement to whom you self-disclose and degree of expectation for those involved.




Secret_Soldier

 

[N68]

@someotherguy


Here’s what I mean by a different perspective. I forget the poster I explained something similar about growing up in a small town and dabbling with dudes, on some of his posts, Oh, yeah! @FastNHard. & if you don’t mind @FastNHard, I’ll expound on a very cool post of yours that ties into this subject.


@someotherguy, please take into consideration when sexuality comes into play period, you need to consider even with labels people bring their own experiences. So when I read one of @FastNHard posts about getting head from the local queer, as it was kept under wraps, and he goes on to be married etc..


And I joked after I saw his pic and said, yeah, I would’ve been that queer. While the very few ay people that were around a later found out, always gave me shit about hooking up with these hot “STRAIGHT guys.


I quickly remind them, those incidences came with LOT of complexities. I was the easy suck/lay when their chick wouldn’t put out.


And I give this back to you @someotherguy, with your uneasiness in sharing your sexuality with your friends to add some perspective before you consider sharing.



I have been a pool hall where a guy came out to his friend and the one guy gave him shit. Here’s the rub, I had sucked that same guy’s dick in high school. Go figure.


The point is people and their sexuality can be complicated.

 

[elklindoxxx]

My straight male friends don't know I'm bisexual. I've known them for a while and I know they couldn't accept it. Furthermore, it's none of their business who I sleep with anyway...and I could care less who they sleep with either. Even though most are married.

Only my BFF knows, she's the only person who I can trust...