Coming Out to Straight Male Roommates

JasonO

Experimental Member
Joined
May 21, 2012
Posts
98
Media
0
Likes
9
Points
93
Sexuality
80% Gay, 20% Straight
Gender
Male
The day I met my roommates in August, the four of us were talking and getting to know each other. One asked what everyone's sexual orientation is. We all answered straight, but I am not. At the time, I wasn't out to anyone and hadn't been asked that question in years. I wasn't comfortable having that moment be my coming out in life, so it just came natural to slide by with a lie because I wasn't ready yet.

Now, I am out to others and because our dorm lease renewal is coming up, I would like to let them know that I'm gay. Plus, I feel uncomfortable every time we are around girls and they start commenting on them and I just sit there not joining in. I just figure it would be easiest to do it now because if any of them are uncomfortable with that living situation, we won't be contracted together for a whole extra year.

My questions are, am I right in thinking now is a good time to correct what I wasn't comfortable revealing at first? Or should I not tell them at all?

And probably most difficult for me is, how do I actually go about bringing this up since I had lied initially?

Advice from straight or gay men is welcomed.
 

rollerboy

Sexy Member
Joined
Jun 2, 2012
Posts
387
Media
31
Likes
40
Points
53
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Male
You didn't mention how your roomies feel about gay people!! Are they friendly" or adamantly against gays? There is where you will find your answer. Perhaps if they are comfortable being around you then they will be allright with your orientation. Best wishes!!!
 

edmouse

Experimental Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2007
Posts
427
Media
0
Likes
4
Points
163
Location
New York city
Sexuality
80% Gay, 20% Straight
Gender
Male
What city are you in of from? And the roommates? It's nearly impossible today to avoid the growing acceptance and lack of fear that is becoming the norm everywhere. Even to ask that question openly is a form of acknowledgement. I believe that if you had said 'gay' to begin with it would have meant nothing negative to the others.

And I also think that if you gather them together now and say you lied and would like to clear your conscience you might hear a "we thought so" among the group. But without denigration. It's college. Is it college?
 

DarkOverlord

Worshipped Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Apr 25, 2010
Posts
805
Media
201
Likes
21,694
Points
523
Location
Rye Lane, England, United Kingdom
Verification
View
Sexuality
80% Gay, 20% Straight
Gender
Male
I say tell them. It may not be as big a deal for them to hear it as it is for you to come clean.
I once lived with a guy who came out during the course of us living in a shared house. The general reaction was "oh, kinda thought so" or "cool mate, thanks for being so open".
If you are worried that they would react badly then would you really want to continue living with such small minded people?
 

MH07

Expert Member
Gold
Platinum Gold
Joined
Aug 5, 2004
Posts
421
Media
3
Likes
123
Points
513
Location
Houston
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
The day I met my roommates in August, the four of us were talking and getting to know each other. One asked what everyone's sexual orientation is. We all answered straight, but I am not. At the time, I wasn't out to anyone and hadn't been asked that question in years. I wasn't comfortable having that moment be my coming out in life, so it just came natural to slide by with a lie because I wasn't ready yet.

Now, I am out to others and because our dorm lease renewal is coming up, I would like to let them know that I'm gay. Plus, I feel uncomfortable every time we are around girls and they start commenting on them and I just sit there not joining in. I just figure it would be easiest to do it now because if any of them are uncomfortable with that living situation, we won't be contracted together for a whole extra year.

My questions are, am I right in thinking now is a good time to correct what I wasn't comfortable revealing at first? Or should I not tell them at all?

And probably most difficult for me is, how do I actually go about bringing this up since I had lied initially?

Advice from straight or gay men is welcomed.

Tell them now. It's a good time. As has been pointed out, if there IS a problem, you don't want to be stuck with them; if there's not, well, great--but since you're out to others, it will get back to them sooner or later anyway. Might as well get out in front of it.

How to tell them you lied? You just told us--I think it's perfect. " At the time, I wasn't out to anyone and hadn't been asked that question in years. I wasn't comfortable having that moment be my coming out in life, so it just came natural to slide by with a lie because I wasn't ready yet."


I also predict that the reaction will be, "Oh, kinda thought so. No big deal." I was terrified to come out to my two lifelong best friends, and they WERE mad--mad that I thought such a thing would affect our friendship, and mad because I didn't trust them. They didn't care about me being gay at all ("I always sort of knew"), and we're still friends (over 40 years now).
 
Last edited:

JasonO

Experimental Member
Joined
May 21, 2012
Posts
98
Media
0
Likes
9
Points
93
Sexuality
80% Gay, 20% Straight
Gender
Male
I have no clue how they feel about gay people. It hasn't even remotely been mentioned since the first question. This area isn't particularly conservative, and my other friends here are accepting. One of my roommates is very Muslim, as in he seems to practice a number of his religious restrictions (like not playing pop music). We get along pretty well, but I just wouldn't be surprised if he's been brought up against it.

I kind of doubt they'll have suspected it in this short time we've known each other. The people I'm out to and my family were a bit surprised, but accepting.
 
Last edited:

avatarng

Expert Member
Joined
Jun 28, 2009
Posts
684
Media
0
Likes
106
Points
113
Location
san francisco
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
You didn't mention how your roomies feel about gay people!! Are they friendly" or adamantly against gays? There is where you will find your answer. Perhaps if they are comfortable being around you then they will be allright with your orientation. Best wishes!!!

Gay friendly???

Be who you are and you should not afraid of letting those around you know you.
Why should he has to tip-toe around. This is his life not his roommates life.
He needs to tell his roommates and let them deal with it.

Been there done that and you might be surprise that roommates may already know about you.
 

rbkwp

Mythical Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2007
Posts
79,210
Media
1
Likes
44,901
Points
608
Location
Auckland (New Zealand)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Was going to suggest be wary of various requests ..

but reading your posts OP

feel you did the exact correct thing initially, and no one can hold that against you ..
Do think its an ideal time for you to let them know
and i think just mention it when you are together, also suggest if they have a problem, say so right there
Fairest way for all i figure, if your going to get support you will surely know in that instance
MAY help you to have a friend with you at the time ( Gay or not no matter)
If the Muslim guy is not comfortable, hopefully he will say so ..
 
5

554279

Guest
One asked what everyone's sexual orientation is. We all answered straight, but I am not.


Can't say I have ever had anyone ask me this, ever.

I am pretty sure they know or suspect and/or were fucking around. People either like you for who you are or not. If it's an issue let them find new friends.
 

JasonO

Experimental Member
Joined
May 21, 2012
Posts
98
Media
0
Likes
9
Points
93
Sexuality
80% Gay, 20% Straight
Gender
Male
Trust me, they don't know. When they comment on girls, they keep suggesting who will get which one if it is a group of girls and they include me, but I just ignore it. It doesnt raise their suspicions, however, because the Muslim one never talks about sexual stuff either so he doesn't join in. it just looks like I'm being conservative.

I recently told a group of friends that I've spent way more time with and they were shocked, but very supportive.

I think I just ought to go for it and all that will happen at worst is somebody is in a different dorm room next year. Even if its me, that isn't a big deal.
 

D_BenJo_Ahanakokolele

Account Disabled
Joined
Dec 18, 2012
Posts
1,107
Media
0
Likes
47
Points
83
Sexuality
No Response
why are you so scared of coming out? If they don't accept you for who you are then they are not real friends.

Trust me i had a buddy I always used to hang out with as a child. i mean we were the best of buds and i though , hey we will be friends for a very long time but after i came out, he completely stopped talking to and even turned very religious. He moved away to live with his mother in North Carolina and never spoke to me again. yeah i was hurt but then I just realized that he was not as good of a friend as i thought he was. Now on the other hand, when i came out i made a lot more friends thank i though i would. People who were supportive and friendly. one of those girls is still my friend and we've been through everything together. So like I said, sometimes telling the truth about yourself will provide you with the best of friends.

I'll leave it at that and wish you happiness
 

Florida Boy

Sexy Member
Gold
Platinum Gold
Joined
Aug 7, 2007
Posts
1,326
Media
0
Likes
79
Points
518
Location
Florida (United States)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Trust me, they don't know. When they comment on girls, they keep suggesting who will get which one if it is a group of girls and they include me, but I just ignore it. It doesnt raise their suspicions, however, because the Muslim one never talks about sexual stuff either so he doesn't join in. it just looks like I'm being conservative.

I recently told a group of friends that I've spent way more time with and they were shocked, but very supportive.

I think I just ought to go for it and all that will happen at worst is somebody is in a different dorm room next year. Even if its me, that isn't a big deal.

This is an interesting situation. Good things are fluid and you are not under pressure. People will assume your sexuality by your words and your behavior. If it is not toward the opposite sex, they assume always the same sex. If this is not expressed, they usually understand the Social and societal reasons for this. The initial question for me of your group Appears to have been merely informational. There does not appear to have been an obvious downside if you had said you were gay. If so, it would have been somehow hanging in the air if not openly.

If you tell them with another person with you you open up room for lots of other assumptions. If you don't want to do it GroupWise, which is probably best, approach the most likely to be open-minded of the situation, not the Muslim. This may turn out to be a good learning experience for your Muslim roommate.
 

JasonO

Experimental Member
Joined
May 21, 2012
Posts
98
Media
0
Likes
9
Points
93
Sexuality
80% Gay, 20% Straight
Gender
Male
Just told the one who had asked initially, and it went perfectly. He nicely said it's cool with him and wanted to make sure he hadn't said anything that made me uncomfortable telling him before. I let him know that he hadn't and I just was letting him know since I wasn't comfortable when he had asked. He asked if I was out to my family and since when. I thanked him and let him know I planned on letting our other two roommates know.

Having the support of one feels better, even if I don't need their approval.

Thanks for the tips.
 

D_BenJo_Ahanakokolele

Account Disabled
Joined
Dec 18, 2012
Posts
1,107
Media
0
Likes
47
Points
83
Sexuality
No Response
Just told the one who had asked initially, and it went perfectly. He nicely said it's cool with him and wanted to make sure he hadn't said anything that made me uncomfortable telling him before. I let him know that he hadn't and I just was letting him know since I wasn't comfortable when he had asked. He asked if I was out to my family and since when. I thanked him and let him know I planned on letting our other two roommates know.

Having the support of one feels better, even if I don't need their approval.

Thanks for the tips.

good to hear!!!!
 

edmouse

Experimental Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2007
Posts
427
Media
0
Likes
4
Points
163
Location
New York city
Sexuality
80% Gay, 20% Straight
Gender
Male
What a world this would be if we weren't so afraid of ..*that. One problem at a time, I suppose. Congratulations. Well done all around.
 

VerpaIngens

Cherished Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Nov 17, 2012
Posts
154
Media
28
Likes
351
Points
283
Location
Leuven (Flanders, Belgium)
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
So first hurdle is taken. I would think this is the hardest part. Maybe you can ask him advice on how you let the others know. Or maybe he wants to tell them for you...
I am sure that even if you don't tell the other roommates yourself, he will spill the beans eventually.

Maybe you could send them an email explaining exactly what you did in the OP. That way you don't have to be there when they read it. And if they don't respond in any way, you can be sure they are fine with it and just don't feel any need to talk about it. If they are not fine with it, they'll let you now somehow...

Or maybe you could just act like it is no big deal (which it really isn't) and do things like making comments about how hot you think a certain guy is. And when they respond surprised or say something like "Dude that is so gay". You can just say something like it should be obvious to them that you are gay and make 'gay comments'. In the fashion of "well duh, what did you expect? Do I have to spell it out?"
 
Last edited:

MisterSlave

Legendary Member
Joined
Mar 13, 2006
Posts
1,357
Media
99
Likes
1,412
Points
343
Location
Portland (Oregon, United States)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Jason.

We all seek acceptance and approval, I suppose. Not everyone may approve of who you are but then again, do the opinions of those people matter to you? Would you waste your time and effort in life on people who do not approve of you living and being who you are? I am glad that one of them accepts you. I suppose that, yeah. . that does make it easier for you now. Know that when you out yourself to people, you may not always get a positive reaction. You may get negative reactions. You may get negativity from some people, but try and remember you will always have friends who will love and support you. You will always have (some) people who will love and respect you, regardless of telling them about your orientation.

Best of luck.

Syl.