Coming out to younger brother...

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Chuck64, Feb 10, 2006.

  1. Chuck64

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    I've come out to most of my family. My parents haven't disowned me, but they're far from accepting. It's kind of a "Don't ask, Don't tell" arrangement. Most of the important parts of my life are off limits: my friends (my BF included, obviously), where I go for fun, even politics. I'll have to remove them from my life soon, but that's another whole discussion. I don't live with them, but with circumstances as they are, I'm forced to spend a weekend or two around them every month.

    When I came out to everyone else, my little brother wasn't mature enough to handle it. Now, he's 16. He's been on a few dates. I think he's ready. I can count on my parents working against me on this one. I recently found out from my wonderfully-accepting sister that they've been preaching a lot of homophobia around the house.

    Any advice for handling this? I'd like to keep things civil between me and my parents for the time being. And nothing traumatic - things like showing up in drag, sneaking him in to the local gay dive on leather & levis night, fucking my BF in front of him, etc. are all out of the question...
     
  2. Bryan_Lyte2

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    If he is the only one who dosen't know what could you possibly say to miff things up between you.
     
  3. Chuck64

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    I have to undo the brainwashing my parents have been doing, preferably while not getting kicked out of the house I'm renting from them.
     
  4. davidjh7

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    well, how much longer will they have something over you? If it isn't much longer, then I'd say wait until the risks are lowered. Then, have your sisters talk to him to get a feel for how HE feels about gay people in general. Remember, at 16, he is likely rebelling against most everything your parents are preaching anyway, so he may be even more accepting as a result. Get a feel first, be safe to your situation, and go from there.
     
  5. Bryan_Lyte2

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    If he isn't already gay savy you 've lost time. Take it slow. If he isn't tolerant he chances are was influenced by his peers about queers. Let him gain some trust between the new you that he is unfimiliar with. Let him in on it subtly drop little hints and let him ease into it. Otherwise you just might shok him.:cool:
     
  6. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    The only one? That's doubtful. He knows. He knows.
     
  7. Lex

    Lex
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    Chuck--It would be hypocritical of me to throw advice your way as I am nt out to my parents and family. What I will offer instead are my positive thoughts and well-wished for you and your brother. Also--please do share how it goes when you talk with him. These coming out stories are always helpful and powerful. Good Luck.
     
  8. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    Pecker's right, I'm guessing he knows already. He'll respect you more if he hears it from you, even if he doesn't agree with it. Regarding the rest of your family, you can't control what everybody else thinks about you.

    Puts Counselor hat on (yes, I was a Social Worker):
    I'm sensing much bigger problems in your family than your coming out.
     
  9. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    what's the point? if they can't deal with who you are, you're wasting your time before you've even started. them em to screw off, and get on with your life.
     
  10. Latinoboy9

    Latinoboy9 New Member

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    Just tell him the reason you didn't let him know at a younger age and tell him the truth because he'll respect you more after all you are his older brother...I have two younger brothers and we are all very large and one of my brothers who is gay comes to me for advice and I tell it like it is no punches pulled Dad explained to us at a young age and did a great job raising us but having a older brother to come to advice for is something special and you wouldn't want to loose it for the world...Jose'Latinoboy9:cool:
     
  11. B_Hung Muscle

    B_Hung Muscle New Member

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    Tell him. And do it straight-forward, no shame, no apology. The way you tell him will determine the way he reacts. If you make it a big deal, he will consider it a big deal.

    Just the facts, pure and simple.
     
  12. Shelby

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    If you think it may traumatize him why bother? I agree with Pecker - he already knows. If he felt like confronting you about it he would have already done it. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. If you were straight would you feel the need to tell him about it? Just be his brother and love him and be there for him when he needs you.

    Just my two cents, probably wrong.
     
  13. B_Stronzo

    B_Stronzo New Member

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    I agree Pecker. He knows already. And he's being shown a disservice by you not telling him, imo, Chuck.
     
  14. Chuck64

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    I realize now that they think I'm literally throwing my life away. Prior to my coming out, their only exposure to the "gay lifestyle" was formed from my uncle's horror stories about his brother who died from AIDS when he was 32 from some random guy he had sex with. That was back when they called it "gay cancer" and had no idea what was going. I've explained to them that I don't do hook-ups (a personal choice I made long before I came out, not something I do for them). I always have safe sex and get tested regularly. Their irrational fear that I'm going to die a slow, horribly painful death has taken hold and grown out of control.

    For the last few years, I had hoped my parents were just in denial and slowly working through their grief. The realization that this situation is getting worse and it's not healthy for me to keep them in my life is new (within the last week), and still a tender wound for me emotionally.

    Only 3 months left in this purgatory called rural Texas... My little brother has waited years already. I'll put this one hold for a few more months.
     
  15. Matthew

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    Chuck, first of all talk to him on your terms, when the time is right for you. Second, I agree that you should tell him straightforwardly and without shame. If he doesn't accept it right away, at least you'll plant a seed that may grow into mutual respect in the future. Third, rent a different place!!! Considering your parents' attitude, their having that "power" over you is really unhealthy for you. Good luck, bro. We gotcher back.
     
  16. B_Stronzo

    B_Stronzo New Member

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    Jesus Chuck. This is so valuable to me. Thanks for explaining things. I forget how fortunate I am in the coming out thing (rather the lack of needing to..). I can be a bit terse when not understanding why others have such difficulty with being "out and about" but your post gives me immense perspective. My experience is atypical.

    Do it your way and in your time. Beyond that I wish you every good thing and the comfort of your imminent release from your own personal 'purgatory'.
     
  17. Chuck64

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    When I heard the things my parents were telling him, I freaked out. Now that I've calmed down and thought it through, I don't think they're capable of turning him in to a Nazi in a few months. I'll wait until I don't have to risk losing the roof over my head. Like David said, he's rebelling against them right now anyway.

    Thanks for all the support and kind words guys. I'm going to put all of this on hold until I move away again and get a life set up somewhere more accepting. It's only another 3 or 4 months.

    Lex - Good luck with your struggles, but you should give yourself more credit. What you have worked through already is no small feat.
     
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