Coming out to your parents

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by mephistopheles, Jul 8, 2010.

  1. mephistopheles

    Gold Member

    Aug 27, 2006
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    I'm sure there was another thread about this, but I'd like to get this info first hand rather than secondary, you know?

    Anyway. My parents were both home last night and I was thinking about pulling my mother off to the side and telling her about how I feel about men. (not because I'm obligated, but because my parents are my friends... Real friends.)

    But I opted not to, cause if she had questions I didn't want my dad to over hear and freak out cause I didn't tell him first.

    Anyway, later on after my mother gets out of bed I'm gonna tell her and see what she thinks, then I'll tell my father whenever he gets home.

    They love and respect me, but I'm just preparing for the worst(thats just what I do... and I'm sure most people do too.)

    Does anyone have any stories I could relate to? To make this easier?

    Any advice or insight would be much appreciated!:biggrin1:
  2. FuzzyKen

    FuzzyKen New Member

    Nov 10, 2006
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    There is no single simple answer on this one. I am now 57 years old and I did not rush to "Come out" simply because the generation my parents came from was not all that accepting of homosexuality. By the time I did in fact lay out the facts I was well established and living on my own. Both parents were to say the least disappointed because they both I do believe wanted Grandchildren. Sadly, they got one, but were no longer alive when my life-partner and I unofficially adopted an abused nephew. In a way this is sad because this kid would have shared a great deal in interests with my Dad in particular. Yet, in the greater scheme of things, the idea with coming out is honesty without creating unnecessary hurt or anguish on the part of your parents.

    No matter how things seem, what seems to be and what is are often two different things.

    A very good friend decided to "come out" while living at home. He had expected his Father to freak out and have a major negative reaction and his Mother to show total acceptance. What happened was that his Father in fact was not thrilled but came to accept this without problem. The Mother on the other hand became a total psycho on this issue. The chasm between acceptance of one parent and rejection of the other in fact caused a divorce between the parents. My friend did not have a good relationship with his Mother for over 10 years. It was not really healed until she developed cancer and began chemotherapy.

    The main thing with your sexual orientation is that it belongs exclusively to you. There is no written rule that demands that you share this most intimate part of your life with anyone. If someone specifically asks a question then I would say that you should answer honestly, but do not volunteer this information.

    What I have seen with younger people is that the parents do not usually present the problem. The problems come from more distant relatives with Religious or Moral viewpoints which they feel absolutely compelled to share with your parents one or both as often as possible.

    The idea with coming out is to look at the entire family dynamics collectively. Are there other individuals who would in some manner criticize them for their acceptance of your orientation. Would your "coming out" give them problems if they were honest.

    With me, this was one of the main reasons I hestitated for so long. I waited until the old "Religious Fanatics" died off and my reasons were not love and respect for those idiots, it was love and respect for my Parents and not wanting them to be subjected to criticism for something that they accepted of me as their Son.

    You can come out and ask that this remain between yourself and them, but the normal course of things is that people discuss their children and this subject and the prejudices against it may be thoroughly understood by you because you see it every day around you, they may have gone through life with blinders on towards those same injustices for years and be very naive with regards to those who would not treat the subject kindly.

    Ultimately it is of course up to you, but if you choose to do this make certain that there are no other outside influences and pick a time when a great deal of discussions and "question and answer time" is available.

    Good Luck
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