coming out

[hoggindaz]

please excuse me if this is a sensitive issue im not trying to offend anyone.

ok, i was reading the coming out thread and as a straight man i cant really understand it, i envision it as something like having a huge secret, so gay men, my question is how does being gay get to be a secret in the first place, and as a child how could your parents not see that you were gay? really i dont understand the whole "coming out" thing, i mean i had a guy in my offfice gather everyone together and "come out" at a party, but how and why would you need to come out to your parents, why wouldnt (or havent) they already know/(known).

 

[auncut10in]

How would they know you were attracted to men rather than women. Especially if you tried to be straight and dated women to see if it would help

 

[hoggindaz]

"Especially if you tried to be straight and dated women to see if it would help"

so gay people try to be straight? that seems really weird to me, why would you date women if you knew that you were sexually attracted to men, if i assume by "help" you mean turn you straight?

 

[flame boy]

Parents won't automatically presume their own child is gay, even if they are the parent of the most flamboyant and fabulous queen on the planet. Most parents don't face things like that head on - some may also not want to know so ignore what they see. Your sexuality is not something most parents would think about - do you think about your parents and their sexual desires?

The easiest way for a straight person to understand why there is a need to come out is to imagine everyone automatically presumed that you, a straight person, were gay. From birth it was just "expected" that you would end up in a relationship with a person of the same sex and that being gay is seen as "normal" by even the most narrow minded of fools. Now imagine that you are actually straight, in this gay world where it is expected for you to just "be normal".

Coming out is a very difficult process for people. You never know how people will react and the consequences could be vast, everyone has heard horror stories about it. No one can every really define what it is like to come out as everyone has different ways, experiences and values.

Some people may date women and live a straight lifestyle in order to conform and fit in. Some may also do this to detract from people suspecting they are gay - why do they do it? That's something only the person can answer, but usually it comes down to what convention would have you do and what other people (sadly) expect from you.

This is a huge subject, and everyone will have different thoughts and opinions on it - it's not so black and white as many would think.

 

[hoggindaz]

thank you thats a great answer

 

[larocca]

Most of us have tried to be str8 various (read: million) times, but eventually you just give up that fight and realize that you can't battle who you are.

Parents either don't know or just refuse to acknowledge this stuff, they all want their children to have kids and raise to be like they are, it's a part of that whole life circle.

We begin panicking and most of us (mainly me) can't get out just yet. I wish I could, but when you spend most of your teenage life having friends and building a life, it's hard for you thinking of the possibility of losing everything (friends, family...). Family is suppose to be there for you at any time, but even the tightest of families have been devastated by this news. For me, personally, I just don't know what I'd do if I lost my family, they are the only thing I have.

I am gay, and I want to be open about it, I just need to find the right time to come out. I can already see that it's going to be either forced coming out or just me being fed up with everything.

Sorry if I got a bit way sidetracked.

 

[Stephenmass]

Larocca,

What you said makes a lot of sense and that is how I was also for a very long time (it seemed like eternity). Once I moved out of the house and into a relationship (was a "roommate" to others), it was hard for me to ignore not letting others know, especially family and friends. The reason for this at least for me was on important holidays and such like Christmas or Thanksgiving, the last thing I wanted to do was leave my significant other, partner, whatever you would like to call it home. I just reached a point where what was the point of hiding it any longer. People generally knew anyway I figured. I thought of one (my brother-in-law) who I felt would be OK with it and he was great! He told me that everybody knew already (how long can you have the SAME roommate??) and it was not a problem with anyone; as a matter of fact, they all liked him as he has fine qualities.

To the OP, it is because of the stigmas that society places on people that are gay that make it difficult. You, because you are straight can walk around town with a girl, kiss her in public, hell, you could even screw around in your car and the police probably wouldn't arrest you and just tell you to move on. While I can walk around town with my partner, I can't hold his hand, kiss him in public or whatever because you have to worry about the narrow minds out there that would just as soon rather see you off the planet. Faggot, queer, cocksucker, etc., are not exactly endearing terms when used by bigots. Bigots can kill. Bigots can maim. They don't do this to straight people. If two guys were getting it on in a car the same as you would your girl, chances are we would get arrested for "lewd behavior". It really sux because we are not any different than what you are doing with your girl, we just happen to be of the same gender. You would have to understand how much of society treats a gay person (and family sometimes too) to understand why there sometimes is a need to just come out with it. You reach a point in your life where you would surely love their acceptance, but at the same time have enough assurance as a man to live your life truthfully even if they don't.

Wordy and I apologize. It was harder in my case being in the closet, much harder because I had to hide who I really am as a person. Now I don't, I just basically don't give a fuck who likes it and who doesn't!

You as a straight man will never have that problem.

Most of us have tried to be str8 various (read: million) times, but eventually you just give up that fight and realize that you can't battle who you are.

Parents either don't know or just refuse to acknowledge this stuff, they all want their children to have kids and raise to be like they are, it's a part of that whole life circle.

We begin panicking and most of us (mainly me) can't get out just yet. I wish I could, but when you spend most of your teenage life having friends and building a life, it's hard for you thinking of the possibility of losing everything (friends, family...). Family is suppose to be there for you at any time, but even the tightest of families have been devastated by this news. For me, personally, I just don't know what I'd do if I lost my family, they are the only thing I have.

I am gay, and I want to be open about it, I just need to find the right time to come out. I can already see that it's going to be either forced coming out or just me being fed up with everything.

Sorry if I got a bit way sidetracked.

 

[larocca]

Larocca,

What you said makes a lot of sense and that is how I was also for a very long time (it seemed like eternity). Once I moved out of the house and into a relationship (was a "roommate" to others), it was hard for me to ignore not letting others know, especially family and friends. The reason for this at least for me was on important holidays and such like Christmas or Thanksgiving, the last thing I wanted to do was leave my significant other, partner, whatever you would like to call it home. I just reached a point where what was the point of hiding it any longer. People generally knew anyway I figured. I thought of one (my brother-in-law) who I felt would be OK with it and he was great! He told me that everybody knew already (how long can you have the SAME roommate??) and it was not a problem with anyone; as a matter of fact, they all liked him as he has fine qualities.

That is how I feel from time to time... like it's reached a point where I can come out. I live with my brother and father, I don't date and I'm 19, so I'm asking---is everyone blind? Do they all just choose to believe that I'm not into dating girls and that I'll eventually start dating them one day when I'm finished with college? It surprises me how much people can be oblivious to the fact that something isn't right.

 

[B_eunuchoid]

I hope you come out at your own pace, as I think you will know when it is the right place and time. I stayed in the closet for more than 40 years, even though I was the object of a lot of anti-gay remarks and gay slurs, and for me it came down to 'enough is enough'. When you do come out, I suggest you first come out to those you are pretty sure either already know or are accepting, thereby building a new and honest support network as you journey out.

What I did was to start vocally objecting to anti-gay remarks about anyone, then start making more and more pro-gay remarks, and notice who had the most vehemently anti-gay reactions, and start distancing myself from them. Before I knew it, I had a small support network of family and friends who were REALLY friends, and who really loved me for being me, and moreso respected me as much as they respected anyone, including themselves -- and I made it clear to all of them that I required nothing less than that if we were to continue being a part of each others' lives (btw, I didn't state is as an ultimatum, but as a simple matter of fact). BTW, I would encourage you to search online for what amounts to a lot of great reading and literature about coming out, people's personal experiences growing up and coming out, etc.

I am happy to say that, while not coming out 'officially' (via an email to family and friends, after having let a few individuals know first) until my 50th birthday, I have never been happier! A great weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I now have more control and respect (not to mention self-respect) in my life than I could have imagined. Coming out is truly liberating, though not without its roadblocks and difficult moments and times. Best of luck to you!!!

 

[MH07]

please excuse me if this is a sensitive issue im not trying to offend anyone.

ok, i was reading the coming out thread and as a straight man i cant really understand it, i envision it as something like having a huge secret, so gay men, my question is how does being gay get to be a secret in the first place, and as a child how could your parents not see that you were gay? really i dont understand the whole "coming out" thing, i mean i had a guy in my offfice gather everyone together and "come out" at a party, but how and why would you need to come out to your parents, why wouldnt (or havent) they already know/(known).

No offense, but only someone in Northern California could ask this question. In the rest of the country (even NYC), gays are vilified, bashed, and shunned. Many religions are just plain whacked about it.

One friend of mine, parents Missionary Baptist, had a Playgirl Magazine between his mattresses. His mother found it. He arrived home from school, age 14, and found his ENTIRE family and their Pastor and others from the church sitting in the living room; they subjected him to all kinds of religious prattle; they then tried to pray the "homosexual demon" out of him. After their mighty prayers, they asked him if he was still a homosexual. He said he felt no different. His parents then threw him physically out of the house, threw his stuff out in the front yard, and told him never to see them again. (how Christian of them!). Nowadays the parents could be charged for child abuse, but not then.

He literally went to live in the park (having nowhere else to go) and fortunately for him, a kind man picked him up (he could easily have been killed) and took him in. (RAPE! CHILD MOLESTER!). They lived together till he was 25 or so, and the man put him through college. (The older gent died of a heart attack, btw, and left his estate to my friend. The older gent's family sued trying to break the will, and partially succeeded---the judge couldn't believe that the man had left his family--who hated him because he was gay--out of his will, so he set aside the will and gave the family about half).

I always tell straights this story: I went on vacation to Key West (a very gay place). After a couple of days, I felt WONDERFUL! I couldn't figure it out---was it the water? The temp? No, it was the fact that, for the first time in my life, I wasn't trying to hide. I wasn't worried about somebody calling me fag, I wasn't worried about whether somebody thought I might be gay, etc. In other words, I finally (for the first time in my entire life) knew what straight people feel like all the time.

Coming out is very frightening. You face the fear of losing friends, family, etc. I could never come out at work (that would be career suicide). So I (at age 52) have to have an invented story about divorce, etc. I have to pretend to be interested when "the guys" are oogling some woman.

As others have said, imagine if everybody were gay, and you were not. You'd have to sit there while your friends/coworkers leer at some guy, "Look at the bulge on that one!" and you feel slightly nauseated. "Yeah, I'll bet he's packin!" you say, while all you really are thinking is that you'd rather be looking at a woman's tits.

That's what it's like.

 

[hoggindaz]

yeah bro, your in croatia dude. i went there for a summer and i saw one guy just walk up to these two guys holding hands and punch one in the face and run away screaming pidar, pidar. i also saw shitloads of nazi and skinhead type people, its a crazy place.

 

[larocca]

yeah bro, your in croatia dude. i went there for a summer and i saw one guy just walk up to these two guys holding hands and punch one in the face and run away screaming pidar, pidar. i also saw shitloads of nazi and skinhead type people, its a crazy place.

Depends where you are... I live in Croatia but maybe may have seen one or two skinhead type of people.

But the situation with gay people is as bad as always. They hate us.

 

[EdWoody]

As everyone has said, everyone has a different experience. And mine was thankfully not as bad as many people's have been. Not as good as some, but much better than others.

I always knew i was gay, ever since I knew what the word meant. And there was never any denial about it, at least not to myself. I was attracted to men for as long as I had a sense of such things, and once I discovered that that was called "gay," my reaction was largely one of "oh right, okay then" (although that implies there was a singular moment of realization, which there really wasn't).

I believe that I actually do have my parents to thank for this. My family was nominally Protestant, but only barely. We went to church at Christmas and Easter at the most, and I discounted even that by about the age of 12, because it was all complete nonsense to me. Which is all to say that religion had next to no influence on my upbringing. And my parents were never the type to speak about sex at any time - not that they said it was evil and a sin, they just never talked about it at all.

All of which led to me being allowed to come to my own conclusions about being gay, and what I concluded was that there was nothing wrong with me.

Now, I didn't come out officially until I was 18 and had moved away to University. I didn't expect any major problems from friends or family, as I knew them well enough and had chosen them well enough to predict their reactions. But I just wanted to give them that little bit of psychological distance so they could handle it and become accustomed to it in their own time.

Most of my friends had the reaction of "Why didn't you tell me before now?" "How could you tell him before you told me?" I have not lost any one of them as a friend. In fact, I even inspired one of my friends to come out himself. My sister actually asked me flat out herself, and all she wanted to know was a) are you being safe and b) do you fancy <her boyfriend> ?

Ever since that moment, I have never felt the tiniest bit of hesitation about telling people I am gay. I don't announce it, but I am who I am and it's up to them to deal with it however they choose. By and large I have found that, if you don't make a big deal about it yourself - by which I mean accept it as fait accompli, not as any kind of problem - the vast majority of other people will do likewise. I have never faced any major anti-gay sentiment because I don't act like I expect it to happen.

It's not for someone else to accept or believe in - it just is.

Now, I know that other people have different experiences. And I sympathise with them, I do. But I guess I find it difficult to empathise with them, because I find it difficult to understand how anyone can allow anyone else to tell them they are "less than," that there is anything wrong with them. You know you're fine the way you are - why would you believe anyone who tells you otherwise?

So that's my perspective.

 

[Smartalk]

Ever heard of Homophobia and fear. that might have something to do with it.