Coming Out

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Lex, Jan 4, 2005.

  1. Lex

    Lex
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    Hey gang--
    I don't tend to post too much, although I do like to chime in here and there.

    At any rate, I have been recently going through a tough and amazing journey with my wife of 8 years and thought I would share it with everyone as this place has really helped me since I started lurking here back when it was a part of EZBoard.

    I am a AF-Am male, raised in an urban east coast city who attended public school. I was considered a skinny nerd and not really accpeted by Af-Am as I was too "proper" and looked upon with mazement by my white peers (As in, I can't beleive someone from the city can be so intelligent). Sadly, these same trends occur now at my job where I have been employed for 11 years and have carved a succesful and rising career.

    I have always been fascinated with cock. I found my mother's PlayGirl as a little boy and snuck to look at it every chance I got. When older kids would wrestle with me, I would get aroused. I would watch wrestling with my grandad and would find some of the guys SO Hot (I didn't understand it then). Guys like Arn Anderson really did it for me.

    I also had a very strong attraction to women growing up, although they didn't seem to really like me--I was single for most of high school. In college, I was very homophobic--I could blame it on the Black all male college I attended, but that would be a lie. I simply wasn't mature enough to deal with male-to-male existence. My dad never spoke to me about anything sexual at all. When I was getting out of the car at 17, he handed me condoms. I had been sexually active for 3 years already. Go figure.

    Then, one day I thought that "I hate those fucking __________!!" was a blanket statement that could be applied (and had been applied to women, black folk, and many other groups) and that was not my thing--so I deprogrammed my phobia. Along the way I met a wonderful woman who is now my wife. We have known each other since freshman year of college.

    As I have become more comfy with my love of cock (and certain men) I have shared with her my membership to this forum and as well as the fact that I chat frequently to a few people here. Over the past 4 months, she and I have had conversations about my sexuality. She asked my flat out if I thought I was Bi--to which I said no with anxiety.

    Well guess what? I am. Labels aside (and a wink to MuscleJockLA)--I am a bi-sexual man in marriage who is committed to his family first and foremost. My wife has obviously been struggling with this. She had/has lots of natural anxieties. But guess what--she, to, is committed to making our marriage continue to work. she has joined a few support groups for wives in Mixed Orientation Marriages and we have nightly discussions about where I am with my sexuality and feelings. Where other spouses would have walked out the front door, she sat on the couch to talk more.

    Make no mistake--this has been the toughest thing I have ever talked to anyone about. These were secrets biuried so deep I didn't even know where they all were anymore. But you know what? It was toughter trying to hide it. Too tough actually.
    I know every woman (or spouse) is not like my wife and I realize how fortunate I am to have her as my life partner. I know that there will be gay people who think I am still surpressing my gayness and str8 people who reject me totally. I am prepared for that.

    All I know if that not having the burden of hiding my urges/desires has been the most powerful and uplifting experience of my life. I am beginning to feel that I am just understanding who I am and it is an amazing feeling. Amaxing.


    And I want everyone who loves this quirkly little place to know that finding this forum and chatting with people here has helped me in ways that therapy and medication never could. And even though there are far too many people to name because you invariably forget someone (and I know I will), I have to name some of the free spririts here who I find to be be SO awesome.

    IaThick9, Max, DMW, Malito, MuscleJockLA, OBB, Steve26, RoysToy, Ash and Herble, drambone, CarDillion--you guys have all helped me in one way or anither by your words or advice or encouragement either here or on Yahoo. Thanks so much.

    Madame Zora--I know we have not chatted, but your prescence here is SO uplifting. Please never leave. I hope that other people find this site and find it as helpful as I have. Its such a good feeling to know that I am not as alone as I have felt over the past 33 years. Not alone at all.
     
  2. jeepwranglerboi

    jeepwranglerboi New Member

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    Wow! What a beautiful post. I'm so happy that your wife is willing to talk with you about what you have been going through. She, not unlike yourself sound like a remarkable person. I am speaking for other people here but we really enjoy having you here and I personally am glad that this place is a "home" for you. Wishing you the very best - Kyle
     
  3. ashlar

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    *huggles Lex*
    I'm glad to hear that you've gotten everything into the open with the wife :) And even more so that she is acting/responding with love and understanding. To have a partner like that, is truely a blessing. Love her with everything you've got, and give her a hug for me .... that will hopefully lead to more for you ;)
     
  4. lacsap1

    lacsap1 New Member

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    Lex,

    First, thank you for your open and honest post. All respect for you and your wife.

    Also once again this confirms the hypothesis that homophobic is causes by an anxiety-based phenomenon. The psychoanalytic explanation is that anxiety about the possibility of being or becoming a (latent ) homosexual may be a major factor in homophobia. The possible explanation is found in various psychoanalytic theories, which have generally explained homophobia as a threat to an individual's own homosexual impulses causing repression, denial, or reaction formation, or all three. Generally, these varied explanations conceive of homophobia as one type of latent homosexuality where persons either are unaware of or deny their homosexual urges.

    Many heterosexuals repress homosexual tendencies, Dr S. Freud believed, and some repress them more strongly than others. Homophobia is the name for what Freud saw as heterosexuals' "vigorous counter-attitudes" to homosexuality. For most of this century, many writers on the topic, following Freud, have accepted this relationship between repressed (or "latent") homosexuality and homophobia.
    Nonhomophobic men are comfortable with there sexual orientation and impulses.

    "Remember the death of Matthew Shepard"
    To put it simply: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
     
  5. mindseye

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    Congratulations, mucho respect, and best wishes. That's such a brave, gutsy thing to go through.

    *tip of the hat to you*
     
  6. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    Now this is what being a support group is all about! Lex, I am glad that you were able to face your demons and come to terms with your sexuality. And I'm especially glad that we were able to help.
     
  7. RICKY_27

    RICKY_27 Well-Known Member

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    Hi LEX!

    I know that as you read the posts of other FORUM members you are more than grateful for the friendships that you have made here. This group is well known for rallying around those who need encouragment and the help that was given you by all those you named is indeed exemplary.

    May your FUTURE be as HAPPY as your past was SAD and may The Lord bless you with His abiding peace. I will keep you in prayer this day and always.

    RICKY_27
     
  8. jonb

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    Congratulations! In America at least, this is always the most difficult part of being gay/bi. May you be more successful in your love life now than you were before.
     
  9. B_RoysToy

    B_RoysToy New Member

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  10. Freddie53

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    Lex,

    What a wonderful post. I posted a similar post in anothr thread. I didn't put it as a thread of its own so many may have missed it. I do know what you are going through. I am myself. Feel free to pm or e-mail me. Maybe we can help each other through this. I have made the same basic committments you have. And i know the feeling of lifting the burden. I don't think I will ever tell my wife though. I just don't think she would accept it al all. But I treasure my friends here and you are right, they have helped more than any counselor could ever have helped.

    God bless you in your struggle to come. May you have peace with your self and others.

    Again, I am here to be a friend if you need me.

    Freddie
     
  11. madame_zora

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    Lex, what an honour to be included in such a personal area of your life. Your post was amazingly honest and soulful before I even got to the end. You may recall that I was in a similar marriage, but significantly different in one aspect- he had no interest in me sexually at all. That was a bridge I was unable to cross.

    I will keep you and your wife in my heart and wish you the very warmest wishes in finding a place of comfort and acceptance for you both.

    Thank you so much for sharing so many details of the effects of hiding your homosexual feelings, and the reasons why you did. In our vast readership, we surely have meny members struggling with these issues today that you may well inspire open up with their loved ones, that is my wish. It is a person of great fortitude who takes his own bad situation and uses it for the good of his fellow man, I hope you know how special you are for doing this. Jana
     
  12. Imported

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    Kazon: Lex:

    Much love, support & only the best to & for you.

    To be a man in this country is one thing....to be an openely gay/bi man in this country requires a constant flow of strenght & fortitude. I congradulate you on finding that within you. May you now begin to experience all the wonders of intamacy & life outside of the constraining americianized notion of what a man is supposed to be and do.

    Spread ya wings kid, now..... fly & soar!!
     
  13. oldbodybuilder2004

    oldbodybuilder2004 New Member

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    Lex I am truly flattered to be considered one of your friends. I am often very verbal about a lot of things and all I can say in addition is God Bless America and I hope my ramblings have helped you in your decision. I am only sad that my former wife was not so understanding. If there is eveer anything I can do please feel free to contact me. I will be only too honored to help with words of help and suggestion.God bless you and yours.
    OBB2004
     
  14. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Yes...I totally agree w/what everyone said...You are a lucky one to have a wife that is willing to understand...I could not imagine what you were going through...Congrats though - you have made some major progress in your life...Keep it up...You are a very brave person...
     
  15. Lex

    Lex
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    You all just continue to demonstrate your AWESOMENESS!!
    I knew that everyone would understand and that even MORE support would be offered. My wife and I are doing well (we have nightly lengthy post-dinner conversations) and we are happy to have the thoughts/prayers/support of such wonderful folk.

    Thanks to all to thier words of encouragement and I hope that some lurker reads this and feels as hopeful as I once did.

    God Bless you all. Be safe!!
     
  16. txquis

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    Wow, dont know how i missed this post.
    Let me say that what you have dealt with,and what you have concluded is awesome.
    I dont say that just because i took a similar journey with my sexuality,
    but because being honest with yourself about anything is often very hard,
    and you did it.
    Honesty leads to freedom within, and I hope you are enjoying that feeling of freedom
    :)

    I did take a similar journey of denial, then bewilderment, confusion,
    and finally, elation.....followed by more bewilderment, confusion, etc.
    It isnt easy.
    But your honesty is really refreshing and awesome.

    We have spoken several times in chat, and i'm glad to know you.
    Cheers, Lex.
     
  17. GrieverSpirit

    GrieverSpirit New Member

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    LexMan, reading this post hit on something inside of me. I can't say that I know exactly what you're going through but I see a lot of myself in your situation. I too am a black guy who was seen as not black enough in highschool because I did not act a certain way. It annoyed me but the friends that I did gain (and to this day are my best friends) accepted me for who i was. A motley group of individuals in general. I'm the youngest of 3 in my family and my brother and sister are 3 and 4 years older than me, i've always tried to be an individual and not follow in their shadow. I always knew i was different in some way or another but I could never put my finger on it. On top of that society especially where I come from makes it so that homosexuality is seen as something absolutely negative. It makes individuals ashamed to come out and be themselves. After high school is when people around where I'm from come out and live their lives. A few of my old friends have come out and have moved on from the group of friends I have grown to be around whenever I'm hanging out. I've had a few girl friends over the years one in particular I still have feelings for. At the same time I find myself attracted to men as well. For a long time I thought i was gay, but recently the idea of being bisexual (something I thought was a myth) came up. Keep in mind for the past 19 years I have been only dealing with these things inside my head, never telling anyone. It's not easy, and it honestly isn't something I think I can do. I get the courage to do it then psych myself out of it later. Getting to the point now... proclaiming my bisexuality to loved ones puts my way of life at risk. I could end up alone in this situation.
    Lex, your wife accepted you and is willing to work things out with you, that type of ending gives me courage in a way. I hope that my loved ones accept me for who I am. Deep inside I think they know that I'm not straight, but are either in denial like i was for a long time or they just will ignore it because they feel I am. I'd like to hear more about your situation and also what were you going through when you were my age; If you don't mind. Thanks-GS
     
  18. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Being through a similar situation...Grew up in a very closed minded small beach town...Plus being of Caribbean decent didn't help...Homosexuality is very taboo in the Carribean culture from what I have found...But at your age I went to an all black college and that can make things worst...At that time - didn't really have any experiences w/guys - just women...Don't get me wrong, I loved my college years but definitely had urges when it came to guys - just never acted on them...Like you said, I guarantee your family has figured it out already and probably waiting on you to come to them...I am sure my mom has kind of figured out that something just at right but maybe I confuse her because she has only met the women that I have dated...I know my mom would be understanding because she gave a lot of support and cared for a son of one of her best friends when he came out of the closet and his mother didn't accept it or him at first...And I have seen do that a couple of times w/others...I guess we have never had the best at communication when it comes to personal issues...But I may not be the best at talking to you about this because I am pretty much still living in somewhat denial...I really hate labels but definitely consider myself bi-sexual - but rarely really hook up w/guys...I just like really cool and open people and really don't care about ones sexuality...I wish this just wasn't a problem w/society...The crazy thing about this city I live in is that a question that I see most people ask when you meet them is "Are you straight?"...I see this all the time - even when I really think someone is not gay...Weird to me...
     
  19. intheloop

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    It's an awesome post. thank you for sharing with us.

    Entries like these make me so happy to realize LPSG is more that just cock talk and fun.
    Kudos and keep it up, above and beyond!
     
  20. madame_zora

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    Intheloop, I very much hope that the spirit of fun and laughter is part of what helps people feel open enough to share these kinds of things. We all can be serious when it's appropriate, and huddle together for comfort, but the joy shows in our silliness as well.

    Lexman, I feel I know you better now, and I look forward to having you as a friend in a more significant way. I always liked reading your posts, but now I know a bit more about the person behind them, and I like that guy a lot!
     
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