Coming Out

[Yadabla]

This has probably been discussed loads and loads of times, but here goes.

If you're gay, then you obviously had to experience the whole "coming out of the closet" process. How was it for you? Or are you still "hiding"?

I felt I needed to post this since I still haven't got the courage to tell anyone except my very best friend. I just can't stand the idea of just telling my parents "I'm gay". It's really tough, especially when I know I am gay for some years now.

But enough about me... Post away!

 

[petetown]

OMG! It's been so many years that I've almost forgotten what it was like. The scariest thing at the time. But as soon as the words were out of my mouth....the weight of the world was off my shoulders. Nobody seemed to be as upset about it as I was....and they weren't all that surprised. Was there a period of adjustment? Oh, yeah, for me too....and we all went through it together. Would I change a thing...not on your life. Good luck and remember we're only as sick as our secrets.

 

[Yadabla]

Thank you for replying! It really helps seeing that at least I'm not alone...

 

[gen1125]

I am still hiding it from my family. Everyone else in my life knows but I cannot bring myself to telling them without being absolutely positive. For some reason, I have no problem telling everyone else but I get how tough it is to say it to your parents. I have yet to actually do anything with a guy so I really want to go on at least a few date with someone to help me make sure of my orientation. I guess I just want to make sure the "spark" is there.

 

[nudeyorker]

I think you have to tailor make your coming out to suit your comfort level. I felt it was important to tell my mother, father and step father. It was very emotional but it was not as bad as I built it up to be.
In terms of my extended family and work associates I did not discuss my personal life then and I still don't. I'm sure that after several years of having male companions who share living arrangements and checking accounts... they have figured it out for themselves.
However my personal life is my personal life and I've never felt like I owed anyone an explanation. If I were not gay I would feel the same way most likely because you never hear of anyone having to come out to their friends and family that they are straight do you?
You will find that your friends will accept you for who you are without having to do a big song and dance for them, and if they don't they are not really your friends; they are merely people who choose to judge you.

 

[Yadabla]

I think you have to tailor make your coming out to suit your comfort level. I felt it was important to tell my mother, father and step father. It was very emotional but it was not as bad as I built it up to be.
In terms of my extended family and work associates I did not discuss my personal life then and I still don't. I'm sure that after several years of having male companions who share living arrangements and checking accounts... they have figured it out for themselves.
However my personal life is my personal life and I've never felt like I owed anyone an explanation. If I were not gay I would feel the same way most likely because you never hear of anyone having to come out to their friends and family that they are straight do you?
You will find that your friends will accept you for who you are without having to do a big song and dance for them, and if they don't they are not really your friends; they are merely people who choose to judge you.

Exactly my feelings. I don't have any trouble telling strangers, and I don't intend to tell people I work with. The problem is essencially my family... but sometimes I think they already suspect something, even if I try very hard t hide it.

 

[petetown]

I am still hiding it from my family. Everyone else in my life knows but I cannot bring myself to telling them without being absolutely positive. For some reason, I have no problem telling everyone else but I get how tough it is to say it to your parents. I have yet to actually do anything with a guy so I really want to go on at least a few date with someone to help me make sure of my orientation. I guess I just want to make sure the "spark" is there.

Your situation is incredibly simliar to what mine was. When I finally told them....they already knew. Maybe you don't have to tell them when you already have a boyfriend...then all they'll think of is the sex part. Maybe if you told them now, you could all learn to be gay together....now THERE's a concept!

 

[silvertriumph2]

I'm still not out as a BI. I think that it might have been different if I had been Gay, but BIs are just not understood nor are they accepted by straights...or gays for that matter....
except for here at lpsg.

I'm live as a straight in both my business and personal life. I have been married and I am the father of 2 sons (different mothers)...none of whom knows that I am BI that I am aware of.

Very privately, I do have Gay and BI friends, and I am in a LTR with a guy. We have always keep separate residences and have kept our life together...private. Only a very few know of our relationship.

I know this is not thought as right by many, and I am sure I will called on the carpet... but it works for us....and that is what counts.
Many of my family members would not understand, and I don't
want to hurt or cause rifts betwen anyone and myself.
I especially don't want to lose my sons.

All that being said...my mother passed away some years ago
and she was very friendly with my LTR. When she visited NYC she always included him in everything...dinners, theater, whatever. She never said anything, but I think she knew all along. Some how I think all mothers "Know" even though they may never say so.

 

[nudeyorker]

Exactly my feelings. I don't have any trouble telling strangers, and I don't intend to tell people I work with. The problem is essencially my family... but sometimes I think they already suspect something, even if I try very hard t hide it.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Don't try to hide anything really, just be the loving son, brother you have always been and most likely nothing will change dramatically whether you decide to come out to them or not.
In my case I was moving away from home and was having a relationship with a man I was deeply in love with and I needed to explain to them why I may or may not be coming home for certain holidays and special events unless they were able to accept my life as it was.

 

[GayFrog]

For many reasons I remained secretive for over thirty years. I wrote a little bit about it in this thread.
I do not think coming out is a prerequisite to being gay I feel there are different circumstances for each individual and we are quite right in choosing whom we tell and those we don't. A lot of times those we do tell had already suspected it, and it's no big deal, but for some gay men, families have been torn apart and friends have been lost.
Not knowing your parents and family it is difficult to give you the advice you seek. By being honest with yourself and following your own heart, you will find the answer that is right for you.

 

[D_Evita_Zane]

In my case, my parents couldn't grasp the whole "bi" thing, it just didn't make sense. At the same time I think there is a double standard in society when it comes to guys and girls and their sexuality.

It's a good feeling to get if off your chest. Still, there are people in my life that I don't feel like it's any of their business so I don't plan on telling them.

 

[Something_Else]

I've come out to my friends that I confide in and trust, my inner circle of friends. I've not done so with my fam, because explaining Bisexuality would just be a subject that they feel to 'persuade' me that I'm really straight. :ugh:

And I'd rather not get into a conversation about the accuracy of what's in my heart from someone that is entirely oblivious to what bisexuality entails.

That is why I'm entirely comfortable with not sharing that side of myself. Ironically, my facebook participation perhaps has revealed more of my interests/attractions - as a result of that intrusive 'mutual friends' advert on facebook - than I ever intended.

And as an aside, I have told a couple of old acquaintances (XGF & college friend), via facebook, that I'm Bi. Both were surprised and seem to have taken time in processing this new layer about myself.

 

[B_RedDude]

With the exception of intimate or potentially intimate situations with women, no guy should feel obligated to tell someone else that he's gay.

 

[B_RedDude]

Your mother sounds like she was very cool lady, Silver.

All that being said...my mother passed away some years ago and she was very friendly with my LTR. When she visited NYC she always included him in everything...dinners, theater, whatever. She never said anything, but I think she knew all along. Some how I think all mothers "Know" even though they may never say so.

 

[deleted627832]

Being a father of daughter that came out in her jr yr of high school. I knew it already. Knew for years before she told us. But, her girlfreind hadn't told her parents at the time. When she saw how we had handle our daughters caming out. She did tell and all was good. As a parent we just want our childen to be happy.

 

[gen1125]

Your situation is incredibly simliar to what mine was. When I finally told them....they already knew. Maybe you don't have to tell them when you already have a boyfriend...then all they'll think of is the sex part. Maybe if you told them now, you could all learn to be gay together....now THERE's a concept!

I am going to tell them as soon as I feel a definite feeling inside after interacting with a guy. I am excited but also scared...more excited because it means I don't have any more pressure on me.

 

[ruggerkit28]

first, your mum has probably already guessed. secondly coming out is a continuing process. you will meet new friends, change employer. it will continue all your life.

at least here in the UK being gay is (generally) now seen as unexceptional.

 

[killerb]

I have a friend who came out to me by IM - I kinda knew what he was gonna say, so before he actually said it I told him that I had a idea of what he was going to tell me...and I was right...so after he told me I said "is that all?" and told him that it didn't make a difference to me & things continued as usual...

I also have an older cousin who is gay, but tried to hide it from everyone for decades & eventually fell deep into drugs & alcohol...he finally came out a couple of years ago & the funny thing is, nobody in the family really cared...we all still love him & things are as they always were...ALSO, many of the older relatives already knew the whole time...

I say all that to say that you shouldn't stress yourself out about this...tell only those ppl who you feel a strong need to tell, like your parents...it's not really anyone else's business...

 

[D_Sherman_Shuttlebottom]

I do think it's important to let this go at your own pace but my general opinion is that being out is great. I'm a bi guy and I'm out to my family, most of my friends, and many of my coworkers. It is a bit different to come out as bi but I think the widespread assumption that most people won't understand is wrong. Most of my friends get it just fine; they understand that I'm not gay and not straight. They may find my fluid attractions a little mysterious but then so do I. I have no idea why some days all I can think about is pussy and girls and other days the only thing that will make me cum is the image of a man getting fucked in the ass. But coming out doesn't mean you have explain your own personal set of turn-ons. Most people just don't care and the vague but useful label of bisexual is good enough for them.

 

[kayman]

I've come out to my sister and the cousin of mine that I'm closest to, but not my parents although I feel they do suspect something. It is what it is, and will have disclose my relationship when I have somebody in my life that I feel is worth bringing around them.