Coming out

Catharsis

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Yeah... Well, whenever my dad has something important to tell us, it's always in the kitchen, so maybe I'll do that. My stepmom tends to hang out around the kitchen, so it could work out.

I might be sticking around to talk... It all depends on how they react. If I experience a negative reaction, I will have to maintain my cool and rationale and tell them that I'll be giving them their space and some time, and I'll be back later and we can talk more then after they've mulled it over a bit. They might have some questions... I'll have to play it by ear.

I don't actually expect any one to know the perfect formula to come out to my parents, since everyone is different. My mom had questions and wanted to talk and offer advice, and also tell me that she still loves me but she's concerned about me. I know my dad (and my stepmom) will still love me, but I just don't think their reaction will be as... calm.

I really don't know if my dad will be sad or angry, with me and/or with himself. If it comes to yelling, I know I'll have to maintain my cool. What do you think I should do if he or she starts crying? Should I hug them, comfort them? Anything I should say? What comes to mind, for me, is that I should say that they shouldn't cry because I'm so happy with being who I am and I don't want them to be sad over my happiness, I want them to be happy with me... But would that do any good? I don't know if I should hug or rub their shoulder or just sit there and stand my ground...
 

Catharsis

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Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous already and I don't even plan on telling them for another two days... I can only imagine how pale and shaky I'm going to be when I do get ready to tell them.
 

LaFemme

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Can't answer that, Cath. You're going to have to do what feels right in the moment. Just know you're doing the right thing. And you have a multitude of people behind you - we have your back. We're cheering you on, willing it to go well for you.

Your dad may feel that he's failed you in some way. He may be angry, he may need reassurance. I don't know. Let him know you're happy, you're sorry it hurts him, but that you are happy. Prepare for the worst - yelling, disowning, etc. Sometimes parents can say horrible things when they are hurt, but change their minds a short time later. Besides, if you prepare for the worst and it doesn't happen, what a relief! You know them best, and you feel that it won't get to that - so you'll be fine. By this time next week, it will all be behind you. You'll have an honest relationship with your family! That will be awesome!
 
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I think the best way to bring it out is to start by saying "I have something really important that I need to tell you guys. Could I have a few minutes to talk with you." I think that let's them know its really important to you and it'll give you an idea on where their mindset is.

Good luck.
 

Dave NoCal

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You might try opening with something like "There's something I need to tell because I love you but am unsure how and I'm nervous about how you are going to take it." This MIGHT put them in the position of trying to reassure you and also put them on best behavior.
Dave
 

hrdhatdad

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I would give them an out by telling them they do not have to respond right away. After telling them that you're gay etc. let them know you understand that it's a lot to take in and they shouldn't feel pressured to discuss their feelings about it right away. Although I laugh about it today, my mother said some extremely ugly things because she had absolutely no idea that I preferred men. I think if I had prepped her a little bit, she would have had a chance to think about what she was saying. She's actually a very kind, considerate person (normally).
 

funnyguy

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DaveNorCal has a sound lead in which you might want to consider. No matter what, we will all be supporting you --from a distance, but close in spirit. Just think of all of us supporting you (invisibly in the background.) You can be assured of that!
 

zpstackz

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Good Luck, Cath:
My only adive is to read through what TenInch wrote (well done, dear boy). And, control the venue. Don't allow this discussion to be held where someone might wander into the kitchen for a beer or dad is half-listening to Dancing with the Stars.
I scripted my coming out speech, but others can wing it better than I.
You will be fine. Please let us know how it went.
 

Hanzhanz

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Go for it man, and don't be afraid! Confidence is the key! If you're confident in yourself I bet they will be in you too!
 

travis7

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As you already know its a big load offbyourvshoulders when you do, but but being excepted of who you are is a blessing.
Hard to give advise not fully knowing how you are with your parents. But seems like you have it all under control.
Keep us updated on how it goes. Huggs buddy
 

travis7

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How about,,
On the couch , saying,
Hey dad, you know my buddy Rick? ( a random friend). He told me he was gay. What do you think?
That will give you a feel on what your up for. Or pop in da movie. "birdcage" or. "in and out".
Or talk about what you like ( cars, movies, masculine stuff ). Then just say .. Dad, I know you want me to start dating , but but you know I'm gay right!?
You will be fine. You have a lot of support ...
 

DavidXL

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Good luck, Catharsis. I don't have a whole lot of business replying to this thread. But, my advice is to do it at a time or place where you are not going to be trapped if it does not go well and you feel the need to get some space after the words come tumbling out (eg, I would think just as you are sitting down for a big meal wouldn't be ideal or just as you are starting a long car ride).

Also, probably worth keeping in mind that your father probably does know or suspect already, as you suggest, and has discussed with your stepmother. As a a parent, I realize that parents often know their kids a whole lot better than kids think they do. I would have to think that for a parent to be completely surprised, they'd have to be a zombie or in deep denial.

Best wishes!
 

D_Yuri_Nation

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It is hard to give good advice, because the process is so personal - and so dependent on family factors. Let me mention one other option, which is to write a note. Keep it short, like

Dad: I'm Gay

-Catharsis

There are good ways and bad ways to do this. Leave it somewhere that only your father will find it (you don't want somebody else to intercept it first). And if your dad is not a morning person, you should give it to him later in the day :tongue:

The upside is that you don't have to deal with the initial reaction. It will be easier for you not to stammer, and your father has a chance to process the thought before you discuss it.

If he doesn't come talk to you about it, don't wait too long before you raise the issue with him. And when you do, you can just say "Did you see my note?"
 

Catharsis

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Okay, I broke all protocol and told them tonight.

My stepmom is completely fine with it and says that I'm still a human being. My dad, on the other hand, stood up immediately and went outside. He came back, and said that he's sick and just wants to be alone.

So, I'm giving his time alone. I maintained my cool and confidence, and told him that I'm happier by being true to myself, stood up and went to my room. And logged onto LPSG to type this.

I'm really upset by his reaction, though. Of all things, I didn't expect him to be disgusted with me. :(
 

HunggGreek

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Okay, I broke all protocol and told them tonight.

My stepmom is completely fine with it and says that I'm still a human being. My dad, on the other hand, stood up immediately and went outside. He came back, and said that he's sick and just wants to be alone.

So, I'm giving his time alone. I maintained my cool and confidence, and told him that I'm happier by being true to myself, stood up and went to my room. And logged onto LPSG to type this.

I'm really upset by his reaction, though. Of all things, I didn't expect him to be disgusted with me. :(

First of all Cath, congratulations on having the balls to tell them :D Good on your stepmum for supporting you and shame on your dad for being sick at the thought.

Secondly, good on you for not being ashamed of it and telling him how happy you are and giving him his space :)

If you need a friend to chat to you know how to find me Cath my buddy!
 

invisibleman

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Okay, I broke all protocol and told them tonight.

My stepmom is completely fine with it and says that I'm still a human being. My dad, on the other hand, stood up immediately and went outside. He came back, and said that he's sick and just wants to be alone.

So, I'm giving his time alone. I maintained my cool and confidence, and told him that I'm happier by being true to myself, stood up and went to my room. And logged onto LPSG to type this.


I'm really upset by his reaction, though. Of all things, I didn't expect him to be disgusted with me. :(

Well...when I came out...my mom didn't speak to me for three weeks. Her reaction hurt...but she got over it. She understood that I wasn't gay out of rebellion. She even met a lot of my boyfriends. One of my boyfriends was an artisan. He made statues and statuettes. He gave her an angel statue that was bronzed and antiqued. (I didn't even know he was going to give her that either. My mom was soo moved by that. She was a total arts and craftsy kind of woman. If he gave her a cross-stitch sampler...my mom woulda probably been planning my gay wedding somehow. LOL)


Serious note: My mom took it hard that I was gay. She thought that I was being rebellious as a teen. I wasn't. But my mom WAS a woman in her late fifties...early sixties. She didn't know anything about gays and lesbians. My mom was a Southern woman. A Baptist. A black woman with multi-racial lineage. A heterosexual woman.

Sometimes heterosexuals are totally heterocentric and cannot understand gay at all. And when it is close to home...a family member discloses that their gay...it is a disappointment. I wouldn't take it personal. I did (I took it personal when my mom ostracized me) when I was a teen...but I learned and understood why from her perspective. She always thought I would be the straight boy. She wanted me married off to some woman. Have kids and a family. I just told her that I wasn't going to be that person...and couldn't give her that. And she took it hard. That is the way it goes. Some people take it really hard. You have to respect their visceral reactions just as they have to respect your honest feelings as a gay man.


 

D_Yuri_Nation

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I'm really upset by his reaction, though. Of all things, I didn't expect him to be disgusted with me. :(

I am unusually sympathetic to parents in "coming out" scenarios. Be patient. Give your dad time to get used to the idea.

Just remember that your parents probably still think of you as a little kid, like when you were 8 years old, when you had a big gap-toothed smile, when you were their "pride and joy" etc.

But as soon as they find out you're gay, your dad's first mental image was probably of you getting nailed by a leather daddy.

So maybe understand you can see why he reacted emotionally :tongue:

It took several years for my parents to come around. On one hand, it strained our relationship because they did not like my being gay. On the other hand, our relationship improved quickly (because I was no longer hiding from them, and no longer scared of their reaction).

Eventually, my parents came to accept me. I have heard the same kind of story from many, many other guys. Statistically speaking, your dad is likely to accept you too. It will just take some time.