coming out

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by hotguy8884, Dec 23, 2007.

  1. hotguy8884

    hotguy8884 New Member

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    Hey everyone.

    This thread is targetted towards the gay and bisexual members of LPSG.

    The other day, I told one of my closest friends that I am gay, and she reacted better than I could have ever imagined. Since then I've felt a very strong urge to tell other people (family, friends, etc.) that I am gay. I really want to, but there is that tiny feeling inside me that I won't be accepted by some people and that my relationships with some people will change drastically.

    I was wondering... When and how did you let your parents and friends know you were gay or bi, and how did they react? Also, do you have any advice to make the whole process a little easier?

    Rob <3
     
  2. cyberczar

    cyberczar New Member

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    Have you ever checked out the series "Coming Out Stories" on LogoTV? (They're available on the iTunes Media Store). Only reason I say is because they're very well done and provide an awful lot of insight.

    I came out when I was 18. Some friends and family took it better than I could expect it, others not so much so. My cousin came out 3 years later and had a better time being accepted by the family in part because of what everyone went through with me.

    All of my friends know. I am very much out of the closet to my friends.

    Work is another story.

    I work for the Fed and while you'd think things would be different working for the Gov't, it's not.

    My general rule of thumb has been I don't flaunt my sexuality, but I'll be damned if I'm going to lie and deny anything if anybody asks.

    I figure, if they've got the balls to ask me, then the least I can do is have the balls to be honest right back at them.

    My personal philosophy is that sexuality has no part or plays no part in the workplace, therefore it hasn't been much of a problem.

    But I've quit jobs before because certain people suspected and were hell-bent on making my life miserable.

    All in all though the response has been overwhelmingly positive.

    Most of your fears I'm sure you'll agree are more or less fears of the unknown and not knowing how your friend, coworker, or family member will react.

    Your family will love you no matter what. Hey, they're you're family.

    Your friends will either accept you or not. If they don't, are they really worth having as your friends to begin with?

    Your coworkers&#8230; well, I don't know about yours, but most of mine can go fuck themselves at one point or another throughout the week so I don't really care about them too much. :)

    Hope this helps.
     
  3. QuiteOne

    QuiteOne New Member

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    As you've already discovered.. you don't come out just once. You come out all your life... to each new person you meet. It's annoying at first trying to figure out whether or not you can be totally open with people. As you get older you'll just learn to say "fuck it"... it they can't accept you for who you are then you don't need them in your life. The same goes for your family. Tell them now and get it over with. It's YOUR life, not theirs.

    As for me, I waited until I was 21 before I told anyone (this was the early 1980's) and I wish I had done it sooner. Every single one of my friends and family were totally accepting of it...and my partner is treated no differently than my siblings spouses. All the baggage associated with being in the closet is a total waste. There are so many more important things in life to deal with.
     
  4. hotguy8884

    hotguy8884 New Member

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    Thanks you guys, you have really helped.

    I am planning on coming out soon.. I don't think it will be anytime within the next few months.. and it will probably be to one person at a time.

    Another thing is, I want to finish high school before I come out because teenagers can be extremely cruel, and I'm sure word would spread.

    Rob <3
     
  5. Kimahri

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    Well, I came out when I was 21. Sorta. I kept a lot of my friends in the dark about the matter for a couple more years after the realization that I was gay. My schoolmates in college knew though. I came out to a guy that I really liked and he took it very well. I avoided telling my father that I was gay though. That was asking for trouble. My mother had passed like 8 years earlier, so she knows. My sister told me she knew when I was 17. Nice of her to clue me in.

    Are you a jock in school or someone in the public eye? Coming out could help you as much as hurt you. Teens can be cruel, but the younger generations have tolerated gays considerably better than my generation has. I have no advice either way about what you should do. If I knew when I was in high school, I wouldn't have come out.
     
  6. Novaboy

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    It will be the best thing you ever do. Yes, you may loose some friends but then they are not really friends. When I finally came out at the age of 29 it was like a rebirth. I felt that my adult life did not really begin until then. And you know what, everyone already knew! (or suspected). We are lucky to live in Canada. We do not have to worry about being out or staying in the closet if we work for the government as an earlier poster mentioned. Just take it slow and be select carefully at first who you come out to. I remember that rush of joy as my own coming out process started.

    Novaboy
     
  7. hotguy8884

    hotguy8884 New Member

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    Thanks, Kimahri.. I am fairly well known among people in my school, but there are a lot of students, so I'm still virtually a nobody.

    I think I am gonna wait until I am done high school anyways.. With the exception of maybe a few close friends.

    Also, thanks for the support Novaboy.

    Rob <3
     
  8. Novaboy

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    I think I am gonna wait until I am done high school anyways.. With the exception of maybe a few close friends.

    Also, thanks for the support Novaboy.

    Rob <3[/quote]

    I didn't realize that you were quite that young. Yes, I would wait until you finish high school. Be very selective at this stage of your life. But when you are finished high school, don't waste anytime trying to be, or trying to convince people that you are something that you are not. Many of us wasted many years fighting with ourselves and or trying to hide. Good luck.

    Novaboy
     
  9. Balljunkie

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    Yeah man, it is very liberating. I just decided to tell one of my friend's on my roommate's birthday. He told me when I was 18 that I was gay. I denied it.

    He hugged me, and told me that I am still his friend and nothing will change.

    I have gotten a positive response from so many people that I thought would act stupid.

    It is all how you approach it. If they see that you are the same guy you were before you told them then they are cool.

    Of course, there will be obvious questions. So how did you know? What kind of guys do you like? I had a straight guy friend ask me was I a top or a bottom? What do you think of my arms, legs, back, shoulders, etc.?
     
  10. sweatyblackballs

    sweatyblackballs New Member

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    My family is Jamaican, coming out will NEVER happen. Well, at least not in the near future. If I tell them I like boys they will all FLIP! Black families here in England of Caribbean descent can be limiting in their trains of thought!
     
  11. Poivre89

    Poivre89 Member

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    Roughly reactions

    Big brother (first immediate relative I told): "I knew butt-head, you are my brother I love you and will support you no matter what"

    Sister: uhhh...yea I knew that

    Grandmother (raised me): well she cried for a few days but now I tell her when I have sex who its with and all kinds of things like that. She brutally examines all the guys I bring home

    Grandfather: You're my grandson, and I love you (cue mainly shoulder pat)

    my mother is a jesus freak

    my father: I don't care if you lick cunt or suck dick, doesn't make a difference to me

    it is hard, really hard, nothing can make it easy and there is no guarentee

    friends and cousins they were fine with it completely

    you've just got to take the plunge, no one that loves you will hate you though
     
  12. pleasureboy

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    Hey man,

    I had similar experiences. Everyone was pretty cool with it. Mom cried a bit, but then asked me to help her pick out paint colors a few days later...her way of being (as cool as possible) with is.

    My roommate at the time punched me in the shoulder. That really surprised me because he was really liberal. When I asked him what that was for he started counting off really hot girls who he had liked but who had had crushes on me! I had no idea, it was funny.

    Tell everybody, most people won't care. Plus, a guy as cute as you is bound to end up with a few dates out of the whole deal!
     
  13. auncut10in

    auncut10in Well-Known Member

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    It took me a long time to deal with the fact that I was gay. When I finally accepted the facts, it still took me a while to ome out. Once I came out, I told everyone at once. After that, I didn't care who knew. I had a lot of time to think about how this person or that person was going to react. I could not have been more wrong. The people that I thought would be more supportive were not and the people that I thought would have a problem were very supportive. Not everyone took it well. I have not regretted one day coming out. I do think you should wait until you are ready. You will know when it is the right time.
     
  14. HoleMan

    HoleMan New Member

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    I feel like, while every case is different, it's a bigger deal in your head than it will be to the people around you. at least that's what i've experienced (i'm actually still going through the process right now--i plan on telling my parents in a few weeks) with the people i've come out to. i waited till i was 21 (it took me a while to figure things out) and in the process i did much more psychological damage to myself just thinking about people's reactions than anyone's actual reactions have done.

    teenagers suck, so i think you have the right idea in not making it totally public until you graduate, but tell the people that matter to you as soon as you feel comfortable enough to do it. it will be worth it in the end.

    i also agree with the poster above. the people you expect to react one way may react another way, there's really no telling, so it's no use guessing. just get it over with.
     
  15. sexplease

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    Rob...Merry Christmas.

    Life is such a great gift. Some people are accepting of other humans for who they are because of what's in their hearts. Some, because of what's in their pants (or skirts). Some people are still challenged in their emotional growth they can't see beyond their own near-sighted opinions.
    Like I do with all the individuals in my life, you will best find what your heart needs to share with others on a one-to-one basis.
    Keep growing and giving.

    Michael*
     
  16. NCbear

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    You're a brave young man, and you'll continue to be brave. Congratulations on taking that first step.

    For me, it was difficult to be brave. I felt as though I'd have a target painted on me if I was openly gay. I grew up in a fairly homophobic environment, so considering coming out meant being ready for everything from catcalls to gaybashings.

    But as others have noted in this and other threads, it's a different world now. There's a lot more acceptance.

    And as others have also noted, friends and family may take time to "come around" and realize you're still the same young man they've known and loved for years, but they'll come to that realization. Just give them time to come to terms with it in their own ways, at their own pace.

    NCbear (who in June went to his annual family reunion and in October went to his 20th high school reunion with his boyfriend and introduced him around, with no strange response at either event except a little nervousness from an aunt who'd always asked about the availability of "nice girls" wherever he was living)
     
  17. hotguy8884

    hotguy8884 New Member

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    Thanks everyone again for your support.

    Rob <3
     
  18. DC_DEEP

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    There have been many good responses so far, especially from Cyberczar.

    I came out many years later than I should have, but I was always afraid of "what people would think." I came from a fairly devout, mostly Baptist family in a homophobic part of the country.

    But eventually, I came to the realization that I would never fit their mold, I would never be happy in the closet, and the love and acceptance of friends and family meant less than nothing if it was not the real me they were loving and accepting.

    It took time to work up the courage, but I had rehearsed my after-coming-out speech thoroughly, and was prepared to deal with anyone who had a problem with it. I was fortunate; I didn't have to give the speech to anyone (the speech where I tell them, "I'm the same person I was yesterday and last year and all my life; if you can't accept me now, knowing that I'm gay, you never gave a damn about me, and I don't need stupid selfish people like you in my life anyway.")

    But ultimately, you have to come out on your own terms, at your own pace. Best of luck to you!
     
  19. sdbg

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    HotGuy 8884: It's really all about self acceptance and being okay with who you are.

    I didn't know I was gay until I was 25, so that took the high school and family drama out of the equation. I moved west at 23 years old in 1974 and had limited contact with my family. They never told me about their sex lives so I had no need to tell them about mine. They never asked, so I never mentioned it.

    In the mid '70s, I had a busy social life. There were a group of us who would hang out regularly. One of the guys ended up being my BF, and we were each others first full on male experience. We had it going on, hot and heavy, for 6 years. We really loved each other madly. He was totally in the closet and didn't want anyone to know, so I kept it quiet. Our other friends knew we were having sex, but nobody would talk about it. It didn't matter. My other best friend asked me about our deal and I told him. He didn't care and is still one of my best friends.

    After my BF got married to a woman and I was single again, that's when I would deal with the gay issue. If people I didn't know well asked if I was gay, I'd answer a question with a question such as: "Why do you ask?" or "Where did that come from?" I think it's tacky for someone I just meet to ask me about orientation. If a cute guy asked, I'd answer "For you I would be!". My main concern was discrimination in the workplace. About 5 years ago, I finally got to the point of total self acceptance. Who really gives a shit if I'm gay or not? Apparently, just me! Now that I'm in my mid 50s, I'm not wasting any more time being hung up. Sure, there will always be gay bashers, but we have to thick skin, and live our lives and be happy.
     
  20. unzipped

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    Hey sdbg -
    That was an excellent and honest post. Good job guy...

    uz
     
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