coming out

[jb_lax]

how is the best way to do it?
who to tell first?
how? face-to-face? phone? email? (sms?? haha)
im living overseas for several more months which complicates things.. but i feel i need to start to do something about ... "this".
of course, my male mates back home are very homophobic....

so what do people reckon? particularly doing it from abroad.

 

[kooperfan]

how is the best way to do it?
who to tell first?
how? face-to-face? phone? email? (sms?? haha)
im living overseas for several more months which complicates things.. but i feel i need to start to do something about ... "this".
of course, my male mates back home are very homophobic....

so what do people reckon? particularly doing it from abroad.

i have had friends and family all react differently but i think the overall best way to do it is face to face. maybe next time your out with a friend, i mean i did it differently for every person, and it works the best when you just bring it up after talking about something completely different. you would be surprised how some people react. for instance my brother was very homophobic and he took it surprisingly well. they aren't your friend if they don't want to talk to you anymore or act like dicks about it. usually the first reaction for male friends is to say are you serious? (this is if they don't already know) and sometimes they may make a joke about it. I've lived all over the world and even one of my really religious friends who thought gay people were evil got over it. seriously don't do it over the phone, because face-to-face they can't escape, which is a good thing. it means they would have to face the facts and realise they don't really care, because it makes no difference who you're in love with, it doesn't change the person that you are. I wont lie and say all of your friends will be okay with it, but most will and the ones that don't, fuck em.

 

[kooperfan]

try here http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html

 

[2322]

Yeah, this is an in-person deal. You've got to do it your way when the time is ready but you owe it to yourself and others to come out with them.

 

[jb_lax]

thanks jason and kooper.
anyone else have any comments?

 

[DC_DEEP]

The previous two comments are good ones. You have to decide what and who are important to you, and you have to be prepared to have a few fall by the wayside in the process.

Your mindset is crucial. Some people will react exactly as you expect them to, some will react just the opposite of what you expect. But keep in mind that those who cannot accept you when you come out are not people you need to keep in your life anyway. Those who still love and support you after you come out are your true loved ones, and the only ones who really matter.

 

[earllogjam]

I told the person who really needed to know first, a serious girlfriend who had her heart set on marrying. Then everyone who I thought already knew or suspected, my sister, and best friends. Then people who really didn't want to know - Mom & Dad. All this within a 2 year period in my early 30's. I'm still not out to everyone and rather selective on whom I tell. You don't need to come out all at once.

Most took it fairly well. Some were suprised some not. Some had questions some were reticent. I usually sprung the news on them while we were alone together in the car driving someplace not in any rush - it was just more comfortable that way - captive audience, no escape, plenty of distractions, and no chance to look them in the eye and possibly see hurtful disappointment.

If you do have a bad reaction to your announcement give them some time and a chance to come around after they mull it around for a couple of days...or months as in my case.

 

[tgw]

how is the best way to do it?
who to tell first?
how? face-to-face? phone? email? (sms?? haha)
im living overseas for several more months which complicates things.. but i feel i need to start to do something about ... "this".
of course, my male mates back home are very homophobic....

so what do people reckon? particularly doing it from abroad.

While I can't offer you any advice... Good luck with it and be happy with who you are.

 

[MH07]

When I came out to friends and family (except for parents, who are just too religious to handle it), the reactions were:

Sister: "Oh thank God; I thought you'd never figure it out!"

Best friends (2, both very straight, friends from the cradle)

Friend 1: "Cool. That explains a lot. Wanna get a pizza?"

Friend 2: "I am totally pissed."
Me: "Why?"
Friend 2: "Because I thought you thought more of our friendship than to worry about something like that. I'd have thought we were good enough friends that you wouldn't worry about such a thing. Errr, so: do you have a boyfriend? Have I met him?" (He's still trying to fix me up. He lives in a high rise in Dallas and keeps trying to introduce me to the gay guys in his building he thinks would be "a good match").

Priest: "I hope you find someone who makes you happy. No one should go through their lives alone."

Doctor (age 80): "Go find somebody, y'all get tested, and have a partner!"

I was so scared. I shouldn't have been.

 

[penandpencil]

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[Principessa]

*SNIP* Friend 2: "I am totally pissed."
Me: "Why?"
Friend 2: "Because I thought you thought more of our friendship than to worry about something like that. I'd have thought we were good enough friends that you wouldn't worry about such a thing. Errr, so: do you have a boyfriend? Have I met him?" (He's still trying to fix me up. He lives in a high rise in Dallas and keeps trying to introduce me to the gay guys in his building he thinks would be "a good match").

I was so scared. I shouldn't have been.

I reacted like your Friend 2 when my best friend from 2nd grade on told me he was gay in our mid-20's. He knew I had other gay friends from work with whom I socialized. I felt a little angry that he thought after almost 20 years of friendship I would be so shallow as to stop being his friend over that.

Though I will admit I stopped talking to him for 6 months when he joined the Young Republicans club in college. To me that was a positively stupid and heinous thing to do.

He is married to a guy I don't like and he doesn't care much for me either. So unfortunately we don't see each other much; but we still talk, text, and email a few times a month. :smile: They have adopted a biracial HIV+ little boy who is cuter than a junebug.

 

[bottombuddy]

it took me years and years to find the courage to tell anyone but im glad i did.........dont do it via text or email....best face to face.......you will be surprised that most folk dont mind and the ones you thought would be homophobic are the most surprising to tell and most accepting really.....you can go on for years thing all sorts in your mind about how folk will react but seriously...........theyre opposite.

just do it in your own time and when you feel secure doing so....if you live with parents make sure youve enough saved for a flat just incase you need to move out....my parents were great-thankfully.

 

[curiousfella08]

hey jb lax, i was in the same predicament as u a few yrs back, from aus, but living in london, got to the point where i was just getting miserable and had to tell fam and friends,face to face wasn't an option, (altho i think in the ideal situation it would b best) so i did it over the phone. i like u had really homophobic friends, and brother, but i can honestly say they where all great about it. my parents where disappointed, which i could understand, 1 of my best mates wanted to no all about it, im back living in aus again and everything is sweet. everyone cool, even my bro. What im trying to say is, altho everyones story is different, is that in my mind, i was expecting the worst, i think its a natural thought, but dont underestimate what the people around u think and feel 4 ya. Good luck buddy

 

[Dave NoCal]

My recommendation is that you start with the easy ones such as people you know to be accepting and work your way up. One warning about that approach, however, is that someone you want to tell personally will hear it from another party. Still having it go well a few times will build your confidence.
You will probably find that most people will be more cool about it than you expect. One of my neighbors and I were talking about a mutual acquaintance who is gay. I've known this guy fairly briefly while my neighbor has known him for many years and might be more of a friend. When the acquaintance/friend came out to my nieghbor he was really upset that this friend had gone through the unnecessary pain of interacting with him so many years feeling like he needed to keep a secret. He's a total sweetie.
I came out to my parents over the phone due to distance issues and I can't really say whether that was better or worse. They went through a period of trying to figure out "what they did wrong" and trying to get me to go to therapy. What I had to explain to them was that I had been in therapy and that contributed to my certainty and willingness to take the risk with them. That was long,long ago and they are now totally supportive and love my partner.
Good luck in this. I hope it helps.
Dave

 

[jorpollew]

A true coming out story. I was 20 years old and decided to first tell my mother. I took her to her favorite downtown restaurant.
It went something like this...

Me (very nervous): There are a couple of things that I need to tell you.

Mom: What's that?

Me: Well, the first thing is that I want to move to Washington DC to finish college, and I need $400 to go.

Mom: Really? Why Washington DC?

Me: Well, that's the second thing. DC is a great city for college students.... and for black people.....and it's a great city for gay people. And I'm all three-- a black, gay college student. So, I wanted to also come out and tell you that I'm gay.

Mom (very matter of factly & still chewing): Well, I already knew that!

Me: Hunh? Whaddya mean?

Mom: I've known that since you were 14.

Me (shocked, with dropped jaw): WHAT?!! REALLY? WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?!!

Mom: I thought you knew that I knew. Everyone in the family knows.

Me (outraged & indignant): THEY WHAT?!! WHO? HOW'D THEY KNOW? Y'ALL BEEN TALKING BEHIND MY BACK?!! FOR HOW LONG?

Mom: We've known about it for years!

Me: Why didn't anyone tell me?!

Mom: Well, I told them it was your privacy and none of our business. And I didn't know what to say when you started dating Lisa in high school. We were all confused. Why'd you do that?

Me: Well, "duhhh", Mom.......I was acting straight!!

Mom: (she smirks) Oh.....you were?

Me: Whatever!.....Does Grandmom know, too?

Mom: No. Grandmom doesn't know. She still asks about Lisa.

(Silence. I sat dumbfounded with my mouth still gaped open. I could not believe that my Mom had just trumped my first coming out speech.)

Mom: So, when do you want to move to Washington? Is $400 enough?

Me: Does Daddy know?!!

Mom: Yes. Pass the salt.

The lesson here: When it comes to coming out, sometimes the gay person is the last to know!

(28 years later: My mom and I are still very close. She has always been supportive, and allowed me to live my life. No judgements. My mom just wants me to be happy. Over the years she's met my "serious" boyfriends. And this year, she visited for Christmas and brought a gift for my partner. Totally cool. I am so blessed.)

 

[jb_lax]

wow thanks everyone, such great and insightful responses.
i guess you are all right. it is one of those things that we presume is going to be way worse than it is.
im going to be seeing some of my other friends later in the year who are also travelling and i think i owe it to them to sit down and talk to them about it, particularly from what you guys are saying. it'll be tough but it will also kind of force them to see it as an insignificance in a weird way. or, even better, they hopefully will react like many of your friends did!!
i kind of think that i need to tell my parents before they hear it from someone else os when im ready, i think it is something i will do over the phone. but the thing is i know they wont care, though im still nervous about it! the real problem is my siblings but they can wait.......
but yea, thanks everyone. it makes me more confidant hearing your advice.

 

[Yawgrimas]

It's also sometimes reassuring to have the spport of your partner and let them know you are doing this as well. Whatever you do I hope it all goes well though and no one reacts badly to it, and accept who you are, and are happy you have accepted it as well (or accepted it enoughto admit it to them). (If that makes any sense :redface.
ttfn

 

[~quicksilver~]

I definately recommend face to face... In my experiences the reactions were very different from what I feared/expected and some of them led to really beautiful moments of love and affection that I look back on fondly.

I started with the people who I thought would be most understanding... My best friend from childhood, then my sister, some other friends. My parents were the last to find out and the biggest worry for me. My mum was fantastic, my Dad.... not so much, but it could have been a lot worse. Do whatever you feel is going to be best for you. The sense of freedom is amazing, not having to hide or censor yourself really opens you up to be who you are. Everyone I know marvelled at the difference in my confidence and the way I carried myself after everyone knew. Hope you have a good experience with it. You never know, sometimes people really surprise you.

Good Luck

ps jorpollew, that story was GREAT! Your mum sounds absolutely fab.