Coming out

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Beanie, Jun 30, 2008.

  1. Beanie

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    not really sure where else to post this so here goes.

    im 20 years old sad am still not out to my family. i happend to tell a straight friend that i had feeling for him over a bad drunken night when i was around 16 and obviously i was still at school, and the news traveled like wild fire. i only live in a small ish town so every one knows except people i work with and the family.

    my point is that i hate living this double life shit and i just want to god damn come clean and tell the truth for once in my life and i am looking for some advice of you guys. i have talked to my friends about it and they said they will support me through this and i some where to live if the worst was to happen and i get thrown out and enough money to get by on my own so yeah. gimmy your 2 cents =]
     
  2. brinzaulsschwul

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    Well Beanie, you know your family, however sometimes it is best to "put out feelers" and "test the water" finding out your families true feelings about homosexuality.

    Ask leading questions, "What do you think about same sex unions" or make statements like "Oh I never knew Sir Ian McKellen was gay" or "Did you know Pam St. Clement (Pat from Eastenders) is a lesbian"? and see what the reaction of your family is. It will help you decide if YOU want to tell them, you don't have to, there is no rule that says, right I'm 20 must come out of the closet.

    There is a helpline for parents called Acceptance 01795 44 04 34

    You said you told a st8 friend and it went around your village, well quite likely your parents know already and if they don't, they probably suspect "Beanie's never had a girlfriend" etc

    It's great that you have support from your friends, so you will never be alone if the worst happens, you should contact the Albert Kennedy Trust (akt.org.uk) they help house and support young homeless gay people. Hopefully your family will be more enlightened and show you the love and support you and all other young gay people in a similar situation deserve.

    If things get out of control, go straight to the police and report a homophobic crime, the police in the UK are so much better at handling these sort of matters than a few years ago.

    Good luck and let us know how you get on, or if you wanna talk it through get in contact

    Brinz
     
  3. 220483

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    coming out is always HARD. sometimes I even thing it's unnecesary. WHY go through it if, as YOU said, someone already camed you out?
    BEING commed out by a third party [a BITCH in fact...], I know the importance of mantaining a clear head and the strenght of mind to overcome it all.

    IF you think your parents don't know it, YOU'RE wrong. they raised you, gave you all there love, and were there for you all times you needed. so THEY know you better than you think! at LEAST mine DID! ;)

    LIVE your life for yourself and not for what others think of YOU! :D
     
  4. CUBE

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    I hate to say this but I have had more than a few friends that got kicked out when they told their parents. I am saying this because you must be able to eat and have shelter. So if you believe they will not support you...be prepared to support yourself...or hold on until you can support yourself.
     
  5. killerb

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    Beanie: I have an older cousin who tried to hide who he truly was from the family for decades, even having a longtime "girlfriend" constantly by his side...he eventually slid into a life of alcohol & drug abuse trying to dull the pain...after his second stint in rehab, he moved in with a man and everyone found out that he was gay...here's the important part:

    no one made a big deal out of it - no one treated him differently & he is just as loved now as he was then...it's just a shame that he put himself through all the other BS...

    one last thing: it turns out that a lot of the family had already known since he was in high school...

    I hate for anyone to have to hide who they are for fear of being rejected...or worse...

    I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do...
     
  6. bignfloppy

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  7. Beanie

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    thank all you guys for your kind words, i will have to do some more long and hard thinking about this before it come to a head. i would however like to here more about any personal stories any one has, if you are wiling to share that is?
     
  8. Dave NoCal

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    Beanie, you have gotten really good advice. I'll just echo that if you have a good relationship with your parents, in general, it will probably work out. Sometimes parents KNOW and don't say anything because they want their child to go through this process at his/her own pace. Plus, they say that mothers always know. The suggestion of putting out some feelers is an excellent one. In this day and time the opportunities are endless. For example, rent "American Beauty" and watch it with your parents and then comment that the gay couple had the only sane relationship. Then watch what happens. Same thing for "Four Weddings and A Funeral" or "The Weddding Banquet," which is wonderful, by the way. Bring up that California now has same sex marriage but is facing a referendum sponsored by Bible bullies. What do they think about this? Good luck and be careful.
    Dave
     
  9. idoevrythng

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    i consider myself bi...does the family need to know that?
     
  10. killerb

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    "need" is a strong word...it's not necessary for them to know because really it's your business...

    if they ask, I would tell them the truth...but I see no need to broadcast it...
     
  11. lewis27529

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    Do what feels right. Your familly is going to love you no matter what.
     
  12. Beanie

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    but are they tho thats the question it could go either way with my family i think, it will either be complete expectance (which normally mens ignorance of the truth) or they will never want to see me again, but i feel like im going nuts with this stupid secret that i should be keeping coz at the end of the day i am still me and its not like i can help what i am so.... oh i dont know?
     
  13. Dave NoCal

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    Parents do sometimes "go nuts," more commonly dads IMHO. My parents became meddlesome, then distant. But that was many, many years ago. After about two years they started focusing more on wanting me to be happy.
    If they take it badly, it's important to understand that parents sometimes develop their own narrative of what their children's lives will be like (married, kids, grandchildren...) without awareness that they have done so. Instead, they make their narrative into "reality." A big deviation from their plans can seem almost like they have lost that child and they can be angry about that loss and the person who caused it, that would be you. I think that if you can see it from their perspective and empathize with them that this is an upsetting loss, it will disarm some of their anger which they may use to cover up the underlying emotion, which is sadness.
    No matter how much advice you get, this is your decision and a difficult one. In my case, getting honest with my parents has, over the susequent thirty-two years (yes, I came out in 1976), has deepened our relationship in ways I never could have imagined. Good luck in your decision.
    Dave
     
  14. splitface

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    HA! Why the holy hell i have the user name "Splitface"??? LOL read my Bio.

    If everyone in your town knows, i suggest telling your partents yourself, so they don't find out from the postal worker....
     
  15. B_lrgeggs

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    My most memorable comment that I received was...."It's okay, It's not like you act gay" Which for those who might ask...so what does "act gay" mean?...It means acting sterotypically gay....effeminate..with a militant twist.
     
  16. FRE

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    When I was 20 (in 1959), I was disowned by my parents when I was outed. I've met guys who have been thrown out of the house.

    I most definitely DO NOT recommend coming out to one' parents before achieving financial independence. Even if you are not disowned, they could make your life miserable.

    It is possible for parents to suspect that a son is gay, or even know it, but would prefer to be able to deny it. If a guy comes out to his parents, then they can no longer pretend not to know and the fireworks can start.

    An exception to delaying coming out to one's parents would be if they openly talk favorably about same-sex relationships or otherwise make it clear that they would be accepting. Otherwise, DO NOT come out to them util after becoming financially independent.
     
  17. Rikter8

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    I'm reverse of you.

    I told my family first, and everyone else is on a Need to know basis (Not a Want).
    Unless your Effeminate, then they would already know.

    I'd test the waters first. Get a feel for how they feel.
    Like others have said, if you've never had a GF...they may wonder, but again, your still quite young, so it's not atypical.

    Because of your outing, your in a bit of a situation.
    First, I'd tell whoever says anything to you to mind their own pathetic little lives.
    Second, make sure you have a game plan ready in the event that your parents are un-accepting of it.

    The first response I got was Disbelief, then lots of crying, and then a serious attempt to change me. The Change phase was about 3 years long. My Father never accepted it. My Mother was pretty much forced to after my father passed.

    It's not easy - for most people to come out.
     
  18. davidjh7

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    You have gotten some great advice, and it sounds like you have already worked to set up a contingency plan, so I'll just throw in my two cents. Make damned sure your contingency plan is truly sound before you come out, as financial situations can go to hell quickly. The only person you HAVE to come out to is yourself. Everybody is is your choice to share that part of you or not, based on what your heart tells, you, tempered by your brain. Definitely see how they feel about gay people in general first. Opportunities come up from time to time, based on some news story, or something someone heard, etc. IF they are strongly vocal about being anti-gay, and you want to maintain a decent relationship with them, you will likely have to keep your mouth closed, as painful as it it to have to hide a big part of yourself, and feel rejected, IF they are blase` about it, then you will probably get final acceptance, but may have to weather some tough times between you for awhile. If they seem supportive, then they will likely accept you right off. They may or may not already know, and if they know, they may or may not accept it--they may be in denial. For my own experience, my father was an extreme homo hater, and used to brag to me about beating up and rolling queers when he was younger. He died long ago, and he never knew, although I know he was suspicious. My mother told me, right when I was about to tell her (after being on my own for many years, and completely independent), that she felt that AIDS was God's punishment for homosexuals. I shut up, and dropped it. I recognized she was a bogot, and it was too late in life to change her mindset. She just doesn't get to know about a big part of my life. I still love her and care about her, but realizing she felt that way about who I am, closed a door on many of my emotions towards her. You sound as if you are at the crisis point, and feel the NEED to come out, and et it done with. Think carefully about your financial situation, as the main point. "some" money doesn't go very far. Are they paying your way through school? Are the supplementing your income? DO you have a job? Do you have some form of grants or scholarship if you are going to school? You have to consider your future as well. You might also consider waiting until they bring up the subject, which they may sometime. I wish you the very best, as this is huge step in being yourself, and accepting who you are, and demanding the right to be seen as a whole person, and not some perception. Please let us know how it comes out, and what your decision is!
     
  19. NCbear

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    I second the advice of others on this thread who have told you to wait until you are ready to support yourself, just in case your parents throw you out of the house. Even though mine didn't, it could have happened, if my father had had a different background, outlook, or personality.

    I was 18 when I told my parents. I think if both of them had been the same personality type and background as my mother, I might have been either kicked out of the house or sent to a "gay therapy" place with electroshock treatments (if you think these places don't exist, you're wrong--and don't be naive about how fully some people are invested in anti-gay work).

    My father (whom I think is gay or at least bisexual) said, "<NCbear>, I'm so sorry for you. People will treat you so badly." My mother, the much more narrow-minded nurse who learned her trade in the 1950s: "So when do you want your HIV test?" And a few years later, to my favorite brother, "You know, when I was going through nursing school, people like <NCbear> were treated with electroshock therapy." My brother's response: "Glad to know barbaric shit like that isn't still the norm."

    But last year, I took my lover to her side of the family's annual reunion. And it wasn't bad at all. Everyone came over to where I sat and introduced themselves (including their kids!) and wanted to know more about my lover. And my mother was heard explaining to older, deafer relatives, "That is my youngest son and his friend."

    And more recently, we've been to their house and my mother has given my lover a Happy Birthday card and a Congratulations on Graduating from a Technical Degree card. And hugged him and said she loved him. And this year, my lover was expected at the family reunion: "Hey, come over here, <NCbear's lover>! Can you help me put up/take down this table?"

    I guess my point is that even though it took 20 years for her to warm up to the fact that I'm gay and not going to change, she did. After a long and protracted period of denial, anger, and all those other stages of grief--but, the point is, she did.

    The best part of coming out to my entire extended family? Not having to change pronouns or listen to an aunt by marriage--who used to be a beauty queen--ask over and over at the family reunions whether I "know any nice girls" where I'm currently living. (Now she realizes it was a stupid question.)

    NCbear (who's happy that after a long period of being completely at odds with his mother, he's now able to hold a civil conversation with her even when the two of them disagree strongly--and who's happy that she can say she loves him and his lover)
     
    #19 NCbear, Jul 6, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2008
  20. Beanie

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    ok, well i do currently have a job and im not going through school or anything like that. i am financially independent although i still live at home with my parents and am very much in the position to move out if i wanted to. if the worst happens there is a room to rent at my friends house that i am currently think about taking anyway just to get out of the house to get some freedom.

    i seem to get mix views on gay issues from my parents. at one time they seem to have a dated view on things, not just gay issues but other things too, but there are other times where i get the "you know if there was something you wanted to tell us you could right" and the "you know we love you no matter what" etc. that makes me think that they already know and are just waiting for me to say something. like tonight for instance, just about an hour or two ago my mom said to me as i was playing with my cat, "are you going to be like tat with your kids?" to which i replied "no i dont want kids" then she said "but i want grand children?" and i said "you'll have to wait until <my sister> has them then." but what she said next was the most shocking part of it all, she didn't leave it or anything she said, "well you can adopt then."

    you see i get little things like this all the time and my life is so fucked up at the moment that i just want to take control of it and set some things right!
     
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