Coming to terms with my new Bi lifestyle

[mr_not_actually_big]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, but bear with me.

Long story short: I came out of a very long term relationship with a woman recently, and the freedom of being single for the first time in around a decade has allowed me to finally acknowledge and start acting upon my Bi side. I have only ever had relationships with women and am still in the closet, so to speak: nobody knows that I'm Bi.

Since becoming single I have had a couple of sexual experiences with men through the magic of Grindr, which I have loved. I finally feel like I'm being true to myself and am acknowledging that yes, whilst I have up until now always been with women physically and emotionally, I enjoy being with a man just as much (albeit for different reasons). I'm still not sure if I would ever want a relationship with a man. For now the physical side is enough.

The thing I'm struggling with is a general self-acceptance of this new man I'm becoming. At times it's exciting to be setting foot into this new world, and other times I don't recognise who I am any more. I've never been the type to sleep around or hook up with strangers, but technology has come a long way in the past ten years and now enables me to do this with relative ease. The ability to meet someone online and be in bed with them an hour or so later really is quite staggering for a luddite like me. On the other hand, flirting with men online prior to hooking up is both arousing and embarrassing for me in equal measure, as it's something I still picture only doing with women. Incidentally, I'm extremely careful online and very selective with who I talk to and eventually meet.

I guess my question to all the Bi guys here is, does it get easier? Do you reach a point where you just accept yourself fully and live your life not caring what others think? I've always been perceived as straight by my friends and family and the concept of me being Bi would come as a shock to everyone, although I have no plans to come out at this time. I know my Father would not accept it, which I'm sure is a contributing fact to my current anxiety. Perhaps my main struggle is a guilt that I know I shouldn't be feeling, but it's hard to live one way for 40 years and then suddenly change to a whole new lifestyle and sexuality.

Any advice or words of encouragement would be much appreciated. Thanks!

 

[Canuck66]

The more I have embraced my bi side the more comfortable and happy I am with myself. For me life is short be who you are with whom you want.

 

[Mike hutt]

Good on you for exploring this new life stye...I'm also bi struggling with similar things as you are. I have a really good circle of friends who know I'm bi and some gay friends too. I's amazing the support one can get from surrounding themselves with the right people. Enjoy the life we have because it could easily change without notice... Good luck!

 

[WilliamG]

Maybe ask yourself a couple things...
Do you just want a sexual relationship with men as opposed to a romantic one? Many bi men go this road. Or do you want to be out and about with these guys with your family and friends?

I could see if I was to become single again, I would be in the first group. I would not be out about it with my family or close friends. Why? It would be just a sexual thing. And since it's just that... Who needs to know?
Now if you become attached to another woman along the way... It changes. But you have the opportunity at that time to let her know of front. Much easier than explaining your choices after years together.

You may also find the guys you hook up with also want to keep it on the DL for the same reasons.

 

[dickthrobbing]

I guess my question to all the Bi guys here is, does it get easier? Do you reach a point where you just accept yourself fully and live your life not caring what others think? I've always been perceived as straight by my friends and family and the concept of me being Bi would come as a shock to everyone, although I have no plans to come out at this time. I know my Father would not accept it, which I'm sure is a contributing fact to my current anxiety. Perhaps my main struggle is a guilt that I know I shouldn't be feeling, but it's hard to live one way for 40 years and then suddenly change to a whole new lifestyle and sexuality.

Any advice or words of encouragement would be much appreciated. Thanks!

Yes it does become easier and you will accept the fact that you enjoy the intermate company of another man.

You do not need to come out to friends and family as long as you maintain discretion.

The guilt will pass if having sex with another man is something you want, desire, need.

 

[beginner63]

I am bi and have been for 11 years. I guess it depends what you want. I just have the urge for sex sometimes and nothing more. Only one friend knows in bi and he is gay and out.

 

[mr_not_actually_big]

Thank you for the responses everyone, they've really helped

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

i dated a guy that been married for 18 years to a woman and had three boys-- one day he decided to venture out and have some fun with a guy andthe guy she chose was her brother and she came home to finnd them in their bed with her husband getting fucked by her brother --needless to say she was upset---

she got divorced and told him to take his faggot assed sons with him as she didnt want anything to do with them because of him---we dated for over a year--his boys loved me as i had more in common with them than he did and he broke up with me for that reason--his boys hated him for a long time

 

[CaptainRugby]

Good post! My situation is similar and different. I’m 22 and have been bi pretty much as long as I can remember, I never had to come out as people knew I liked boys butI’ve never had a proper relationship with a guy so I think some people think I like sex (which is true). After a messy post lockdown break up in which I wasn’t fair to my ex, I decided to have a break for a while and have been exploring my bi side much more, including bottoming a few times (hella gay, right?). The idea of bottoming and being in a relationship with a guy seemed too far from the person I was, or thought I was. Rugby, military family, etc.

I can’t tell you that it gets easier because it is too early to tell from my side, but I do feel better being honest with my mates about who I am (I am generally an open guy). My sexual preferences change regularly (hourly, sometimes), but if the right guy comes along I’d like to see what being in a relationship with one is like.

 

[Barberseville]

There's lots of guys in the military who have sex with men, and it doesn't make them any less good at their job, so I doubt your family would be surprised or shocked. It's what you can do professionally that counts, not what you do in bed or with whom...

So much depends on chemistry. Good luck! Keep changing the percentages under your profile if you need!

 

[Reg]

In my case I have been active bi almost all my life. I develop emotional relationships with women and am married. I have sexual relationships with men some longer term or most just encounters. It seems to satisfy my sex drive more than just with women.

 

[flatiron]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, but bear with me.

Long story short: I came out of a very long term relationship with a woman recently, and the freedom of being single for the first time in around a decade has allowed me to finally acknowledge and start acting upon my Bi side. I have only ever had relationships with women and am still in the closet, so to speak: nobody knows that I'm Bi.

Since becoming single I have had a couple of sexual experiences with men through the magic of Grindr, which I have loved. I finally feel like I'm being true to myself and am acknowledging that yes, whilst I have up until now always been with women physically and emotionally, I enjoy being with a man just as much (albeit for different reasons). I'm still not sure if I would ever want a relationship with a man. For now the physical side is enough.

The thing I'm struggling with is a general self-acceptance of this new man I'm becoming. At times it's exciting to be setting foot into this new world, and other times I don't recognise who I am any more. I've never been the type to sleep around or hook up with strangers, but technology has come a long way in the past ten years and now enables me to do this with relative ease. The ability to meet someone online and be in bed with them an hour or so later really is quite staggering for a luddite like me. On the other hand, flirting with men online prior to hooking up is both arousing and embarrassing for me in equal measure, as it's something I still picture only doing with women. Incidentally, I'm extremely careful online and very selective with who I talk to and eventually meet.

I guess my question to all the Bi guys here is, does it get easier? Do you reach a point where you just accept yourself fully and live your life not caring what others think? I've always been perceived as straight by my friends and family and the concept of me being Bi would come as a shock to everyone, although I have no plans to come out at this time. I know my Father would not accept it, which I'm sure is a contributing fact to my current anxiety. Perhaps my main struggle is a guilt that I know I shouldn't be feeling, but it's hard to live one way for 40 years and then suddenly change to a whole new lifestyle and sexuality.

Any advice or words of encouragement would be much appreciated. Thanks!

What you describe is eerily familiar. That was my exact situation six years ago, and my exact response, at the exact same time in my life. And I haven't told my parents either. My mum would be OK I think, but my dad would be confused and his response would be hard to predict.

Does it get easier? For me, it became easier to live within my own skin. Let me express it like this. Imagine you're in a swimming pool and you're holding a soccer ball down beneath the surface of the water. You have to spend energy and make an effort to keep the ball submerged. Eventually you just get tired of holding the ball underwater and it immediately bobs up to the surface. That's what it felt like for me rejecting the fact I was bi. I ran out of energy fighting the inevitable. I don't shout my orientation from the rooftops, but neither do I deny it or hide it (except from my parents). If it comes up in conversation, I own it, and I feel comfortable doing that.

I'm now married. She's my best mate and she's accepted my bisexuality since day 1. She has two rules: 'don't do it here', and 'be safe'.

DM me if you like, I'm more than happy to talk about this.

 

[littlestiffy]

My story is a little like flatiron's, in that the experimentation began 6 years ago, when I'd also come out a very long relationship, after decades of heterosexual monogamy. For me, I think it's totally sexual. I haven't really even contemplated romantic relationships with a guy. I think I'm cool with that, but I don't know what this will mean when/if I start pursuing women again (which I haven't done at all since even before covid). I don't know if I'd share that with a gf, but...maybe? To be honest, my whole life has been about trying to conceal aspects of my sexuality (for much of my life, it was my obsession with muscular women which I sought to hide to avoid judgment -- and because it never went well when a woman discovered this about me).

 

[rockmusl1]

Congratulations on coming out to yourself, if no one else. One thing though; When you say you’re a “new man,” try to keep in mind that the only thing that’s “new” is you finally accepting and exploring something that has always been part of who you are. You’re not “new” just more authentic! Enjoy!

 

[williamsw]

iam not bi or gay , but i do enjoy when another man touch when he plays with my cock . usually another curious married guy like me

 

[tnman]

iam not bi or gay , but i do enjoy when another man touch when he plays with my cock . usually another curious married guy like me

Your Bi guy

 

[yosoybalta]

it gets easier, I think most of us had the same journey, at first it feels confusing, it makes you question everything, you'll find the moment to let yourself go.
it takes time but you'll be ok, I'm happy that you're allowing yourself to feel all these new things.
the biggest coming out is your own, and now that's everything that matters. welcome.

 

[johnweek1]

My advice is be comfortable about what bisexuality actually is, and to understand that traditional gender roles and bisexuality often clash. Bisexuality comes in many flavors, it's not always, and I'd wager most often, a 50-50 split. I think equating a value to "how bi" someone is, is not a correct view of bisexuality at all. You are either bi, or you are not -- the lines of grey in between are unique to each person. For me, I am into men sexually only, but women sexually and romantically, for example. And I have a specific type of male only that sexually attracts me to boot.

Bi people also vary in how we present/identify. Some BI men can be very femme, others can appear as straight as the next guy, or somewhere between; or not at all in any circle. For me, I have no interest in being outwardly femme, but I do enjoy and embrace some traditionally femme things like jewelry. Love me my bling, not because of status, but because I think its beautiful and it dolls me up a bit. And I love it because I am closeted, it's that one part of my bi self that I outwardly express publicly.

Even more confusing to many, gender roles! Many bi people fit into different circles then most are accustomed to. For me, I fit a slightly more emotional femme personality of nurturer which is not at first outwardly noticeable as I appear and dress like a "regular straight dude", and I desire a more masculine-personality type woman partner to compliment my less masculine traits. The day a woman wins me a stuffed animal at a faire, instead of me the man being expected to do that for her, or gets me a bouquet of roses and box of chocolates on Valentines day is the day I find me a wife. The great part, there are woman out there like this, many perhaps bi themselves, and there is nothing wrong with you, or them, if you are like this.

All in all, as a bi man that is only romantically attracted to women, gender roles are a real pain. It's amazing how little society actually knows about us.

 

[JX711]

My advice is be comfortable about what bisexuality actually is, and to understand that traditional gender roles and bisexuality often clash. Bisexuality comes in many flavors, it's not always, and I'd wager most often, a 50-50 split. I think equating a value to "how bi" someone is, is not a correct view of bisexuality at all. You are either bi, or you are not -- the lines of grey in between are unique to each person. For me, I am into men sexually only, but women sexually and romantically, for example. And I have a specific type of male only that sexually attracts me to boot.

Bi people also vary in how we present/identify. Some BI men can be very femme, others can appear as straight as the next guy, or somewhere between; or not at all in any circle. For me, I have no interest in being outwardly femme, but I do enjoy and embrace some traditionally femme things like jewelry. Love me my bling, not because of status, but because I think its beautiful and it dolls me up a bit. And I love it because I am closeted, it's that one part of my bi self that I outwardly express publicly.

Even more confusing to many, gender roles! Many bi people fit into different circles then most are accustomed to. For me, I fit a slightly more emotional femme personality of nurturer which is not at first outwardly noticeable as I appear and dress like a "regular straight dude", and I desire a more masculine-personality type woman partner to compliment my less masculine traits. The day a woman wins me a stuffed animal at a faire, instead of me the man being expected to do that for her, or gets me a bouquet of roses and box of chocolates on Valentines day is the day I find me a wife. The great part, there are woman out there like this, many perhaps bi themselves, and there is nothing wrong with you, or them, if you are like this.

All in all, as a bi man that is only romantically attracted to women, gender roles are a real pain. It's amazing how little society actually knows about us.

Fascinating, valuable input!! Color isn't a factor in guys though is it?

 

[johnweek1]

Fascinating, valuable input!! Color isn't a factor in guys though is it?

Color? Like skin color? If so, not sure. But I'd wager skin color and sexual preference are independent of how a person self-identifies.