Coming to terms with my sexuality...

[13788]

Cale: I honestly didn't know where else to post this. I tried looking through Google for gay/questioning support forums, but all the ones I could find were littered with immature posts from high school-age kids along the lines of anal probing techniques, etc...

I'm a healthy, active 18-year-old male who is coming to terms with the fact that I might be homosexual...and it is both frightening and confusing at the same time. In fact, this is the first time I have ever confessed this in public -- I'm just thankful that I can remain anonymous here on the internet.

The thing is, I don't really feel homosexual. I mean, yes, it's true that every single fantasy I have ever jacked off to has been a gay one, and it's true that I've had these feelings for as long as I can remember, even before I orgasmed for the first time, and it's true that I act a little effiminate at times (though not overtly). But I have always longed to fall in love with a beautiful, intelligent woman, and raise a family with her. I've even fallen in love with a few girls over the years. I do get turned on by the sight of a beautiful woman! I do find myself staring at girls' breasts for far longer than I should be! But just the thought of actually having intercourse with a woman is...kind of awkward.

I don't know what to do. My friends and family are obviously starting to take some subtle hints, since I've never dated in my entire life and a wonderful, intelligent female friend of mine is starting to get flirtatious with me and I'm not even winking back at her.

Basically, what it comes down to is, I don't want to be gay. I want to lead the stereotypical straight life. I want to fall in love with a woman, and I want to be able to fantasize about women and enjoy life with them. I honestly can't see myself in a true relationship with another guy -- I don't feel psychologically gay. Of course, my penis says otherwise...

Please help me. Has anyone else ever had these strange, conflicting feelings? At the very least, can someone offer me advice on my situation? I'm starting to feel like it's all hopeless for me.

 

[13788]

rangersean: First, there is no "gay or straight" dichotomy. Everyone falls somewhere along the line of bisexuality. Some are so close to one end or the other that they would never admit to having a thought for the "other" end of the line.

There's no "way" a gay man acts versus how a straight man acts. A gay man can be extremely masculine, love football and baseball and never drink anything but beer - while a straight man can be a lisping, swishing lover of Broadway musicals.

Also, contrary to myth, there is no "feeling gay" or "feeling straight" for most people. You just feel yourself, and you have to get comfortable with yourself.

If you're attracted to somebody, you're attracted to them. And if you're not attracted to someone, even if they're a "wonderful intelligent female" and you're a very straight man, then you're not attracted. It's as simple as that.

My overall advice would be to get comfortable with yourself. It took me FAR FAR to long to get comfortable myself, and I hated myself far to long. Work on that - and the rest should come into place.

Reaching out like this is a good start (I wish I had the internet when I was your age). If you can, maybe you can get professional help - if you're in school, there should be some body you can find. If you're not, look into county mental health help (I'm assuming you're not hugely wealthy). Usually it's available for low/no cost. They can help you figure out what's really going on in your head and help you work toward happiness. Just be sure to find one whose ONLY goal is to get you happy - rather than "turn" you straight or gay. Those are charletains and will do you more harm than good because they really don't know what they're doing.

Hope that helps some.

 

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

Have you considered the possibility that you might be bisexual? I have a few bisexual friends who enjoy prefer men sexually, but women romantically. Our board member Javier is in this situation, and he's having some difficulty sorting things out, but he realises he's bisexual. (I don't presume to speak for you, Javier; I just wanted to let Cale know he's not alone here.) I can't give you a lot of advice, Cale. I'm very lucky in that my family accepts my sexual identity, but I realise that not everyone has such a family. Sure, you can live a heterosexual seeming life, but you must realise that your sexual attraction to men is not going to fade away. My advice would be to own up to who you are, but again I realise that not everyone is in a position where he can come out publicly. Hopefully you can meet some other gay and bisexual men in the same boat. It's always easier if you don't have to face your demons alone. Support is important, and if you can't come out to your family, it's good to rely on like-minded friends. Good luck; how you tackle this journey self-discovery is important. And know that you've found a site full of great guys who are ready to listen. Letting off steam by actually putting your feelings into words can be great therapy.

 

[B_Jeremy]

Excellent post rangersean...I dont have much more to add to what you just said, all good points.

 

[Pappy]

Ditto what has been posted. If you want to chat one on one IM me and we'll chat. I'm sort of in the same boat as you , although much older, and have gone through what you are going through.

 

[13788]

rangersean: Footlongteen - you know I stole that last paragraph from your mom, so you already added.

 

[B_Jeremy]

haha.. true true ;D

 

[GottaBigOne]

It sounds to me that the only problems you have with homosexuality is the social pressures you may feel from everyone else. You said yourself that you want to lead the normal straight life. Maybe the reason you want to do this is because its the easiest way to live. You don't have to put up with the scrutiny and prejudice that gay couples have to. Maybe thats also why you don't feel like you could have a romantic relationship with a guy, because you feel that would not be acceptable to anyone you may know. Your penis doesn't know any better, nor does it care what other people think.

My advice to you would be to talk to other gay guys that you feel confident enough around that they wouldn't tell anyone and ask them what they think about everything they have to put up with (of course you could only get this point of veiw from an openly gay guy) Maybe hearing about other people's experiences will put your mind at ease..

I think you have to come to terms with what homosexuality means in your life, and you have to realize that there is nothing wrong with it, and that being "straight" would probably not be the best way to live for you.

 

[jonb]

Bisexuality is a confusing issue in a society which defines things in black-and-white terms. I prefer to think of sexuality in terms of multiple dimensions. After all, even the aforementioned colors are simply combinations of red, blue, and green light ranging from zero for black to the maximum my retinas can take for white.

I'd say most people are to some extent bisexual. I mean, the entire idea of being exclusively heterosexual or exclusively homosexual only helps fan teleological flames started by homophobic televangelists. It's probably the idea of bottoming that turns off most heterosexuals; I have honestly never heard a homophobic comment involving any sexual position other than anal, which is really stupid when they're talking about lesbians. Either way, my point is, you're you, not some label.

 

[13788]

Tender: .....

 

[13788]

JoeAgain: At 18 you're gonna have a bit of difficulty, understandably. Once you get out of the high school scene, you will see that the world is such a huge place that it has room for everyone.

At 18 I think everyone has issues with their sexuality, even if they aren't the same issues. My advice to you is that at your age you really don't have to make any choice at all. Try it all man. Don't beat yourself up about things you aren't even sure about yet, as I can almost guarantee that by the time you hit 21-23 or so you will feel a lot differently than you do now, about any number of things.

The best tool for making decisions about your personal life is experience, go out and have some, and in the end make whatever choice feels right.

 

[benderten2001]

Cale,

One of the great benefits of this forum is to just have an opportunity to discuss "male-related issues."
If nothing else, you should certainly find a sense of common ground among our membership as we "share" our various thoughts and ideas. Your sexual preference is indeed a matter you will, in the course of time, have to work out for yourself.

My .02 here would be to recognize for many heterosexual men that the concept, the idea, and the actual "first time" effort at having sex with a woman can seem somewhat ackward, stressful, and most uncertain. As men, we're not always experts nor the least bit totally comfortable! in initiating (or participating) in the act of love-making. Sex with a woman can occur and result in a number of ways beyond the "spontaneous raging fire" episodes one often envisions from modern day culture. For many of us, making love evolves over time when a friendship and bonding first take place--- whereby the act of having sex is in a more "next progression of events". timeframe. That "approach" helps take the edge off of being an expert in the sex act right away. Intercourse indeed can THEN become a consummation (completion) of the expression of love, conveying deep caring feelings for the other person. But, this idea and outlook towards sex is not always the accepted "norm" today...Instead, "one-night stands" further increase the pressures upon men (and the expectation to do everything just right). Why, the way things are going today, a man's degree of perfection in the bedroom could likely wind up in the future as an entry on one's resume. (I'm being facetious of course.) But, I have to wonder though, given the pressures from virtually every direction it seems, how ANY young man can be expected to feel good about himself, particularly sexually. As men, we are being expected more and more to perform every move to absolute perfection as well as measure-up to every correct inch to be a really "desirable man". If we believe (and, fall for) everything we hear about and read about, then entirely WAY TOO MUCH is being expected of us today as a gender. Today's man--for him to be really able to enjoy his life (without obsesssing and fretting over sex)... is getting very difficult to do.

Few men are willing to admit their degree of feeling uncomfortable (and again, most ackward!) their first couples of times with a woman. You're to be commended (I think) for expressing your very sincere, deep-down thoughts about all this in your very first post!. That's a big step in and of itself. 'Puts you ahead of the game already, in that respect.

My other point here is that your interest and fascination over "the penis" does NOT necessarily make you "gay" or "bi". By staying around this forum long enough, you'll easily have that fact quickly proven to you. Like other males in other species of life, our given "appendages" are a very intrinsic part of our very being. If the penis "doesn't make the man" necessarily, then it does influence his day to day life. We can't ignore our penis, nor should we ever be intimidated by it! Being conscious of our own body while noticing other men is a natural instinctive response. Males respond to visual stimulus--whatever the "orientation factor". As men, we need to not fret over our curiosities and fascinations with our penises. We do need though, to move forward (without undue guilt)...and find as many ways to enjoy our lives and our masculinity as we possibly can. Life is much too brief on this earth to do otherwise.

 

[13788]

mindseye: [quote author=Cale link=board=meetgreet;num=1082685870;start=0#0 date=04/22/04 at 18:55:29]The thing is, I don't really feel homosexual. [/quote]

Other people have pointed out that you "might be bisexual" -- but I'd like to put my two cents forward for the possibility that you might be gay.

You say you don't "feel" homosexual. You'll find on this board a wide variety of gay people, and I think if you'd take the time to get to know us, you'd know that it's not easy to define what homosexuality "feels" like. You fantasize about men, don't you?

You say that you've "always longed" to fall in love with a woman, and that you've fallen in love with girls "over the years".

Since you're 18, you're fairly early along in your sexual development. You've been raised on heterosexual role models, and it's natural when you're very young to want to emulate those role models. (In fact, when I was 6, I asked the school librarian for her daughter's hand in marriage!) It's likely that the confusion you're feeling is because you've had these ideals in your head since at least nursery school, and now you're feeling impulses that conflict with them. These longings that you've "always" felt "over the years" sound like pre-sexual feelings that have been conditioned in to you by your environment; please don't confuse them for innate heterosexuality.

I'm also guessing that you've been conditioned with negative attitudes towards homosexuals -- this is because you're "frighten[ed]" (instead of excited) by your feelings and that it's something you're "confess[ing]" (instead of boasting). Because of these attitudes, it's not surprising that you "don't want to be gay".

I hope you'll come to discover that homosexuality is fantastic. (So fantastic, in fact, that the Republicans have to keep it suppresed or else everyone would want to be gay!) It's easy to relate to other men sexually, because their anatomy is similar to yours -- it's easy to tell when they're excited, it's easy to tell when they're having an orgasm. Really, our plumbing is a lot less complicated than women's. Someday, I hope you'll come to understand that the feelings you have are a blessing and not a curse.

Find people you can talk about this with one-on-one. You've got a hard road ahead of you, but I promise that it's a rewarding journey.

 

[lacsap1]

[quote author=mindseye link=board=meetgreet;num=1082685870;start=0#12 date=04/23/04 at 11:09:59]

I hope you'll come to discover that homosexuality is fantastic.  (So fantastic, in fact, that the Republicans have to keep it suppresed or else everyone would want to be gay!) [/quote]



True, it's worth the hassle, it makes you a stonger person and more comfortable in life and after some time it even makes you more proud of yourself when your making it in life, having succes and a wonderfull true relationship with another guy and even the family will (learn to) be happy for you.

Life is how YOU make it !

 

[13788]

AUncut10in: OK I really have to say something here. I felt the same way when I was 18. I so wanted to be straight. The thought of being gay just seemed like an alternative that wouldnt work for me. I tried everything I could to be straight. I dated women in Highschool and college, but I knew I wish i coud be with a guy. I thought that if I just got married, my feelings for guys would change. After I got married, I thought that if we just had sex more my feelings would change. Well I tried my whole life to be straight. It took me a long time for me to come to grips with myself. I finally had to tell my wife and kids and family that I was gay. No it wasn't easy. I wish I would have had the courage when I was 18. I have to say, being honest with yourself is so much better than living a lie. I feel so much better about myself, even though it has been pretty rough

Are you gay? straight? bi? I think in your heart you know. If not, you will know. Just explore a little more. And don't be afraid where it will lead you. I wish I would have had the courage when I was your age. Good luck

 

[13788]

Cale: Wow. I am amazed at the response I've recieved both in this thread and via private message over the past twenty-four hours alone -- though I guess I really shouldn't be, seeing as how I've been anonymously browsing this forum over the past year or so and I've seen first-hand how truly supportive you guys can be. Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful advice.

A lot of you have suggested that I may be bisexual. For a long time I considered this, but then I came to the realization that I've never had a fantasy where women were involved, nor have I ever felt the impulse to. I know that must be confusing since I also said I've been in love with several women and I enjoy staring at their breasts...but I never truly lust for them. Does that make any sense? Because it barely makes any sense to me....

I guess what it amounts to is that I feel romantic passion for women but sexual passion for men. In a lot of ways, I suppose it could be because of how I was raised and the societal pressures I experience on a daily basis, but mostly I just feel like that's who I am; the person I want to share all my happiness and adventure with is decidedly a female. I don't know about you guys, but I don't know any ladies who would enjoy a long-lasting relationship that didn't involve any sexual activity, unless they were nuns or something...

One of you asked why I've never dated even though I've "been in love"...the truth is I kind of HAVE dated, it's just been more of a "we're really close friends, let's go hang out for the evening and have dinner together but I'm too nervous and afraid to be in a serious relationship with you so I'm not going to say anything about it, and you taking the stereotypical female role probably means you'll never say anything about it either, and in the end you'll just get kind of pissed at me and stop hanging out with me so much" thing. I think a lot of the reason I don't press forth and ask to make a stronger relationship with my female friends is because I don't have any lust for them, and I have all these conflicting feelings inside me that tell me I might be gay.

Also, a major factor in my sexual confusion is my family and friends. I feel like it would be a huge blow if I came out to them...especially my family. No one in my family that I know of, not even a second cousin, is openly gay, and I fear that I would be excommunicated if I told them what was going on with me. Many of you may think those fears are unfounded, and maybe they are, but my gut instincts tell me I need to keep it a secret right now.

And I mean, let alone my family finding out...I'm worried about the reaction I'd get from complete strangers. So many people are visibly homophobic, if only casually...the current gay marriage rights debates prove that it's hard for a gay/bisexual person to be accepted in society for who they really are. I hate sounding morbid, but Matthew Shepard's name comes to mind when I think about that.

So, I dunno. I'm still back to square one in a lot of ways, but I definitely feel more comfortable about myself after all you guys shared your advice and personal experiences. Thanks again.

I hope I'll figure out what's going on with me and that I find a way to deal with all these feelings....

 

[13788]

ruscular: I have seen way too many homosexual end up marrying the opposite sex just to be normal with society. Its a shame really , because it is far easier to be yourself than be normal. And I dont think society overall is normal.

Your very young and theres is more to life outside the public school. Unfortunatelly the way education is setup, you learn only the Black and White on most issue. society does not allow us to explore the grays in public school. I would also recommend mental health to rule out any outside reason for feeling confused about your sexuallity. But know that what ever you feel is accepted by most intelligent beings.

Have you notice that those with homophobia aren't really that smart? Pay attention to that and you'll see like I do.

 

[13788]

rangersean: Cale,

There is a lot of difference between being comfortable with yourself and being comfortable with others. It took me a long time to admit to myself I was gay, but then it took a much longer time to let friends and family know (and some still don't for various reasons).

The first and most important thing you need to do is become comfortable with yourself, regardless of your sexuality. Realize and make yourself believe (because it's true) that you are who you are, that your feelings are valid and that there is nothing "wrong" with them.

Hey, it's difficult for some to come to grips with their heterosexuality! Don't worry if you're a bit confused if you're not! It's NORMAL.

 

[jonb]

@benderten:
First time I had sex, I was confused too. I mean, first off, the vagina wasn't as visually stimulating.

@mindseye:
I think what he meant by 'feeling gay' is the politically correct illusion that there's some mental difference between heterosexuals and homosexuals which every man (Let's stick to men here, though the argument applies equally to women.) detects within himself and immediately recognizes as one or t'other. Doesn't work that way; sexuality can be a major source of teen angst, and every boy has to resolve such issues on his own. Even worse, boys who fail to resolve the issue become what is known as "homophobic", meaning they hate homosexuals because they secretly fear that they are one. These boys then interfere with other boys' attempts to resolve their own internal conflict, and in turn, those boys become homophobic. It's like a disease.

Oh, it'd all be simpler if we were bi.

 

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

[quote author=jonb link=board=meetgreet;num=1082685870;start=0#18 date=04/23/04 at 23:37:59]
Oh, it'd all be simpler if we were bi.[/quote]

Great ... we'd have twice as many chances to screw up a relationship! :-/