Coming to that point in a friendship

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by rangisrovus19, Jan 23, 2010.

  1. rangisrovus19

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2005
    Messages:
    373
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    134
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Norman (OK, US)
    Verified:
    Photo
    I was wondering if anyone here could relate to this situation I am going through, and if so, how it took shape for you. I’ll try to make this short and sweet.

    A few years ago, I met a guy in the dorms I was living in. Soon enough, our friendship began to take off. He’s from the north; I’m from the south. Therefore, we find each other very interesting in terms of characteristics of personalities, influenced by our upbringing.

    I have known my friend, whom we shall call Chris, for almost five years now. Our friendship is leisurely evolving. Although there is something that sort of makes this much more interesting for the both of us. I am gay, he is straight. Of course he knows. We have both had significant others for about the same duration of 2-3 years. I am an artist, he (will be) a surgeon. So, as you can probably tell, there is a big difference between us, mentally. Physically, I am of normal stature, 135 Ibs, skinny, normal height. He, on the other hand, tall, dark, handsome, 200 Ibs of beautiful muscle. Again, clearly, big difference between us.

    But between all of this, our friendship is flourishing, and has been for years. Amid this time, we have engaged in similar activities, such as pledging a fraternity, which was a great way to bond and share good fun times together.

    Other guys love Chris, for reasons I am sure most can probably agree with. Him being straight and around other straight guys, they envy him. Who doesn’t envy a great-looking, in shape, smart, alpha male? And here I am, little gay guy. Other see us together (I’m out, everyone knows, they love me regardless) and there seems to be a curiosity lingering in their heads, asking if Chris and I are that close?

    Out of all my friends, he seems to be the most profound. It’s very strange, When I’m not around him, there is a strong sense of longing, and a lot of lust too. But when I am actually around him, that seems to not matter, and just having him in my presence is calming.

    But I feel that we have shared and learned enough of one another and are coming to an interesting point of our friendship. You know, a slight gut feeling.

    SO, anyway – Through this sense of longing, I have wondered if taking the next step, which is a big one – and a huge fantasy – of mutual masturbation sessions. The problem is simple: if you have the balls, how on earth do you discuss that, and make someone, especially a straight guy, believe good will come from it? To me, it’s all about trust and even a sense of love. A spiritual rite of passage, even. In my eyes yes, that’s exactly what and how it should feel, and has before. How can I share this with him?

    Has anyone been in a situation such as this?
    Advice?
     
  2. TomCat84

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2009
    Messages:
    3,497
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    32
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    My advice? Don't risk a good friendship because you're horny for him.
     
  3. rbkwp

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2007
    Messages:
    29,329
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1,947
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Auckland (AUK, NZ)
    Difficult OK'
    No experience of such myself.
    Very best to you & your friend matey
    Sounds like a wonderful friendship that can possibly endure, thru whatever..i hope.
    perhaps to relieve things (for yourself in particular?) maybe be up front, ask him if you can have a serious TALK about where yr at with him...see how that goes..if he is aiming to be a Surgeon , no lack of intellect there, and i imagine he would appreciate yr honesty re it all.
    I seem to think he may well be Str as..(as they say) so maybe dont get yr hopes up re anything such as you propose..
    GOOD Luck, have a feeling he will be most accepting.
    enz
     
  4. sexplease

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2006
    Messages:
    1,724
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    87
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Santa Monica CA
    embrace and respect your friendship. You are young and will learn to accept somethings and people for what they truly are and not what you desire them to be.
    A rose is beautiful for what it is, and no amount of personal desire will make it something else.
    You will never love like this for anyone else, BUT you will love others and love again.

    When you accept things as the are, then you are able to truly love.

    Friendship, companionship and camaraderie is the ultimate reward.
    You both need and deserve things, people and relationships in part which neither can deeply satisfy, except true friends.

    I know unrequited love hurts, but after all, it's a friendship.
     
  5. BigDallasDick8x6

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2006
    Messages:
    4,012
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    163
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Dallas TX (North Oak Cliff)
    When gay guys have a crush on a str8 guy, it usually ends in disappointment, either right away or eventually. I'm just saying that because I don't want you to get hurt. You're either going to lust for him more and more, or you're going to bring it up. If you bring it up it could end the friendship. Either way you get hurt.

    Of course the hope is that you bring it up and he's cool with it. With him being VGL that's a huge incentive for a gay guy. Don't let that cloud your judgment.

    However, having said that -- What is the gut feeling you referred to? Is it just wishful thinking on your part? Or have you gotten some signals from him?

    The fact that you both have S.O.'s at the current time make this more complicated. Do you each have open relationships with your S.O.'s? If not, then the timing is wrong.

    The time to have done something was when you were living together in the dorms. What was the vibe like in the room? Were you naked in front of each other or did he always go into the bathroom and close the door to change clothes? Did he ever fuck girls in the room while you were there? If he was open around you, there might be a chance in the future if you're both unattached. If he was always covered up around you, then although he's cool with the friendship I would say he wouldn't be cool with JO.
     
  6. Darkriff

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2009
    Messages:
    391
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    24
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Kentucky
    Verified:
    Photo
    Umm... what to say. Yeah I'd give some advice but I think BDD already stole my thunder. That pretty much sums up exactly what I was gonna say. Damn you Big D :p
     
  7. D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov

    D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov Account Disabled

    Joined:
    May 31, 2009
    Messages:
    305
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think I was in a similar situation - a very longtime ago.

    There doesn't seem to be any pain-free solution to this.

    You are in agony because you lust after him and you don't know if he can reciprocate. I think that to go on living in that agony is very bad; it can even ruin your friendhsip with him gradually.

    Either you back away from him or take the risk and open yourself up with him.

    First option: backing away. You will suffer from it, but then ask yourself - was that a real friendship on its own or was it my lust for him in disguise? Were we really compatible as friends? How can he be my friend if I can't tell him everything or almost everything?

    Second option: telling him. Whatever reaction he has - and I don't feel it will be a violent reaction - you will be able in a way to take the world out of your shoulders. Mind you, you will just be telling him about your feelings for him, you won't be asking him for anything. Drop the bomb and leave him to handle it. Will your friendship be affected? Yes, possibly, but difficult to predict in what ways. Maybe your feelings for him can even dwindle and become more tender than erotic in nature. But it will be always a leap in the dark.
     
  8. rangisrovus19

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2005
    Messages:
    373
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    134
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Norman (OK, US)
    Verified:
    Photo
    I am his only friend who actually can sit down with him and have a serious conversation with about anything... anytime, anywhere. He doesn't have a lot of those types of friends. Not a surprise if most of them consist of college dude bros, or medical students.
     
    #8 rangisrovus19, Jan 24, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2010
  9. chocolateking

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2009
    Messages:
    20
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    408
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Verified:
    Photo
    I'd say go for it.
    But don't talk about it first. Having a conversation about it beforehand will only make things awkward and scare him away.
    Get him in the mood first. Talk about sex or watch some straight porn. Then attack.
     
  10. D_Andreas Sukov

    D_Andreas Sukov Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2008
    Messages:
    2,933
    Likes Received:
    3
    what does VGL mean?

    I wouldnt do it. If anything it would betray his trust. It would cush him to think you may have just fancied him all this time instead of being a friend. Whether its true or not.
     
  11. CUBE

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 28, 2005
    Messages:
    7,331
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,176
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The OC
    he is straight...if he wanted a mutual jack off he would have already given the signs...you need to pull back or lose him
     
  12. bosatbk

    bosatbk Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2007
    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    dont say anything. if he is straight he is straight. however, if there is any question on his part, because the whole world knows you are gay... because he knows you are gay, he will take the next step if it is ever to happen. but if you come on to him, and he does not have the slightest interest or curiousity...because he is straight, there is a good chance that you will ruin the friendship.

    its hard but suck it up. good luck.
     
  13. joeweekend

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,740
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    98
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    US
    Verified:
    Photo
    Let him make the first move.

    Give him every opportunity. Contrive opportunities, if you can. But let him make the first move.
     
  14. killerb

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    2,102
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    47
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Verified:
    Photo
    yours is such a common issue...
    it's clear that you want more than friendship with this guy, but he's showing no signs of wanting more with you...what i don't get is how you think jerkin each other off is the next step for you two, but that's not important...

    my advice to you: don't let your wishful thinking screw up a good relationship...just be a friend to this guy...
     
  15. rangisrovus19

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2005
    Messages:
    373
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    134
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Norman (OK, US)
    Verified:
    Photo
    yeah, this is an absolute common issue for a lot of people, it's probably one of the most difficult, in my opinion.

    on the subject of why and how this can enhance a friendship is different for everyone in some way or another... for me, it would be the next step for that friendship. I mean come on, think about it. How cool would it be to have a close friend to basically say "I feel assurance and reliance in you".
     
  16. sexplease

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2006
    Messages:
    1,724
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    87
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Santa Monica CA
    things that make ya go, hmmm:

    straight men usually get turned on by looking at pictures of hot women. AND looking at themselves in a mirror while masturbating.
     
  17. Stephenmass

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2008
    Messages:
    1,886
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Boston
    Seems to me you already have that with him without jerking off together. While you can't help the fantasies (and boy I've got a few too) I wouldn't risk his friendship at all.

    Respect his straightness the same way he respects you being gay.

    If you broach that respect, you may or will lose him altogether.

    Savor a true deep friendship. You don't need to whip em out to have an enduring friendship.
     
  18. killerb

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    2,102
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    47
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Verified:
    Photo
    EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID...:grinning-smiley-003
     
Draft saved Draft deleted