Commitment and trust issues

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Dragon88, May 13, 2010.

  1. Dragon88

    Dragon88 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2007
    Messages:
    99
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Norway
    Well, the title says it all, doesn't it...? Because of previous experiences, I'm not able to open up and commit to any human beings. If you have read some of my previous threads, you may know what I'm talking about, but for the new people, I'll tell a short story.

    Most of the people in my life has either abandoned me or stabbed me in my back. The first boy crush I had was with my best friend, and when I eventually told him, he freaked out and said he didn't want to see me anymore. This broke me down, because he made me feel miserable and feel that I wasn't worth living. In a vulnerable state of mind, I was tricked and raped by another man only a month afterward, and I didn't know what to do. I refused to open up anymore, since I knew I would be hurt again. But then I met this really nice guy that started working with me and we became pretty close in a short time. I managed to open up once again. But then he back-stabbed me and left the country for a long time. The worst thing is that I began to evolve feelings for him.

    After every time, I've promised myself not to trust anyone ever again. Because I'm afraid that I maybe won't be able to handle any more bad things. I know I'm very strong mentally, but there's always a limit of how much a human being can stand, right...? I think I'm very close to giving up having any relationships in the future. So how can I manage to trust anyone and open up again, even though I'm terrified to get hurt again?

    Thanks for your answers and advice! :rolleyes:
     
  2. HiddenLacey

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2010
    Messages:
    5,470
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    somewhere
    Well all I can really do is reply to you in kind. I had a situation quite like yours. First guy I was ever with went from the person I loved more than anything in the world to my worst nightmare. I thought that I would never be interested in anyone else. But then I met the guy I'm with now. Sadly I'm still having second thoughts about true comment in this relantionship because we are really nothing alike, but now I know he's "safe" every fiber of my being screams to stay and cling to him so that nothing horrible can ever happen to me again. And I have thought the same things you have, maybe just maybe I'm better off alone.

    All I can tell you is the same thing I'm trying to convience myself. Which is that just because some people are loser's and abuser's, we cannot GROUP everyone into that category. And staying by yourself because you think your safe or your hearts safe, is NOT the answer. Fortunately I can give you a standard quote.... "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

    If you trap yourself away. Your missing out on everything that could be wonderful and beautiful in your life. Your missing out on that person that might be looking for someone just like you :) You can't give up until there's nothing left to give.
     
  3. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    I think posting on LPSG and similar sites is a great way to start. Mainly, listen to your inner self and do not go forward into the world too quickly.

    We are a very populous species and wherever you go you are bound to meet fellow humans, like it or not. In truth, you might think you are lonely but none of us are actually alone as long as we live in society. How social you want to be is up to you. Eventually you will find yourself among people you can befriend and have things in common with, and in the mean time, practice self love. Loving yourself is very important.

    You may have a low opinion of yourself now and think you are not lovable, even to yourself. That will get better. Until it does you won't be attracting people who really enjoy the real you. Not until you can be the real you and live with yourself in comfort. Then like magic you will find people who are similar.
     
  4. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2007
    Messages:
    2,874
    Likes Received:
    42
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanta GA
    I can relate to you both. I was in a committed relationship for the last 4 years. The guy is 30 years younger than me and at first I ran like my hair was on fire. He chased me and eventually I fell for him and let him into my life 100%. We lived together for the last 3 years until I found out that the last 4 months he was lying and cheating behind my back. He's apologizing over and over and trying to get back in my good graces. When I tell him that he has to dump his new "friend" and delete his gay romeo profile he refuses. He says it's there only to make friends since he has no circle of friends here (he's not a local but moved here 5 years ago). He complains that being together the last 4 years he never had the opportunity to make his own friends. While I understand this, this one particular guy has to go. Refusing only makes it worse for him. Not only that, but I was able to read his emails and messages from his profile (his password was way too easy) and saw that there was more going on that met the eye. I told him and he was embarrassed to say the least. But he still continues to contact me trying to get back in the door. I've told him to stop calling me and all he says is that I should count to 10 before I say "silly" things. I'm at a loss although I'm feeling better and better about the fact that he will not be with me, period. The trust is gone and there ain't no way it will be back.

    There is someone out there for you. Keep looking. You might not find them today or tomorrow but you will find someone. Be careful who you give your heart to! Be open to a new relationship but be cautious too. Go slowly and maybe explain the past pains you've endured. Someone who cares will understand and move slowly WITH you.

    Best of luck ...
     
  5. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    I snipped your quoted post a bit shorter, ThickJonny, because I wanted to wish you to stand firm. I hope you read the thread about relationship with a sociopath because this man coming back even when you have said no once just shows that to him you were just a commodity.

    And all those good wishes you expressed, I hope you will also seek for yourself!
     
Draft saved Draft deleted