Commitment dilemma

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by sbat, Jun 14, 2010.

  1. sbat

    sbat New Member

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    The girlfriend is from Turkey, and I am black. If she wants to marry me, she says that we won't be able to comfortably live in Turkey (and I'm not interested in living there). But if we get married, she'll probably end up estranged from her parents, whom she can't really bear to be apart from for more than a month. So it's between me and the parents.

    Anyone been in this situation? How did you resolve it?
     
  2. HiddenLacey

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    So is she white?

    All I can say is this I have a white girlfriend who has a mixed child and is marrying the black father in a few months. Her parents no longer speak to her.

    But she loves him and her daughter very much.

    You two can live together and get married and raise a family. In the end the choice is up to her. There is nothing you can do.
     
    #2 HiddenLacey, Jun 14, 2010
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  3. Pendlum

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    I would guess she is Turkish, not white.
     
  4. alwaysguessing

    alwaysguessing New Member

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    God dammit I thought we were past this shit by now.

    sbat, I don't know what to say, but I wish you the best of luck.

    Actually I'm tempted to quote Fronsac from "Brotherhood of the Wolf":

    "To hell with your parents! I'll tear you away from them!"
     
    #4 alwaysguessing, Jun 14, 2010
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  5. sbat

    sbat New Member

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    Turks are largely caucasian.
     
  6. HiddenLacey

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    Well I'm sorry I have no idea what a Turkish persons skin color is. It doesn't matter. I forget that living in America the land of outrage that some other people may not think the same way. Over here some people tend to have a melt down if it is a black and white couple. I was making the assumption that could be her parents issue.

    And sbat, I hope you know I wasn't asking that in a bad way. My first assumption was you said "she's Turkish, I am black," so in my mind I thought ahhhh and she's white and her parents are having baby cows over it. Some people will always be bigots, there is nothing you can do, but say screw them.
     
    #6 HiddenLacey, Jun 14, 2010
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  7. sbat

    sbat New Member

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    SG, I didn't get offended by the outright racism of the schlong dude, so no worries about your pretty reasonable (and correct) assumption.

    I didn't want to make too many assumptions without having met them, but I know race will be an issue given how non-Americanized Turks in the US reacted to us together. Another issue is that her mother wants her close-by and is very emotionally manipulative.
     
  8. HiddenLacey

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    It's always either race, religion or sex that separates us and it always will until people stop getting outraged over everything.

    Well if her mother wants her close by and you are not willing to live in Turkey, YOU may need to rethink where your relationship can go if your girlfriend is not willing to stand up to her mother.
     
  9. sbat

    sbat New Member

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    Haha, I know where it will go if she's not. Nowhere.

    Really, I'm just curious about what others in my same situation have done - either in terms of the cross cultural/racial divide or the spouse vs parents divide.
     
  10. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    You are in a heep of trouble. She needs to learn to live without the parents in her life that often or learn to live without you. You can't have both at the same time in this situation. They raised her, she needs to raise herself from this point and figure out what is most important to her.

    A husband can be your everything, or he can drive you to want to be with everyone else. Same goes for a wife. Is there pre-marital counseling available where you live?
     
  11. alwaysguessing

    alwaysguessing New Member

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    If she is susceptible to that manipulation, that would be enough to eliminate the possibility of marriage, in my mind. If she can manipulate her daughter, then once you are married, she can manipulate you through her daughter. I wouldn't stand for that. I've seen it with a friend of mine and I'm almost certain it would happen to me if I married my current girlfriend. F that. I need a woman who can think for herself anyway.
     
  12. sbat

    sbat New Member

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    I don't really think counseling would help. She's aware that she is susceptible, and we're both honest and aware of the situation. The issue here is mental strength to pick one of these two mutually exclusive things. She literally waffles daily.
     
  13. concupisys

    concupisys Active Member

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    what a pickle this is.... the way you're describing the current situation sbat, i can only tell you that if you do go ahead and get married, there will be an awful lot of things in the aftermath that will put a huge strain on your marriage.... whether the marriage survives that strain remains to be seen (assuming you go through with it), and bring a child in to that strain would be a really awful thing to do.... if you're in the clear for now, i would suggest putting getting married on hold until all the people involved in the situation have the chance to let their true colours be revealed.... at least that way, when you DO get married, you know that you're marrying in to a family that accepts you and your wife's relationship.... if you marry under the current conditions you're in, then expect there to be a very rocky road ahead of you.... i wish you the best of luck....

    :)
     
  14. dolfette

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    poor girl.
    but maybe her parents wouldn't react as badly as she thinks.
    there's a lot of threads here by gay guys who thought coming out would cost them their parents, but their fears were unfounded.
    would they really want to lose her?
     
  15. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    If you marry her, moving far away from them is the ONLY possibility of making it work. But she needs to be strong up against the phone call/email manipulation. People who are manipulative do this by any means necessary.

    I am pretty close to my parents. I was just a pup when i got married at 18. I live 10 minutes from them and always have. But they are not nosey, manipulative or intrusive to our marriage and i don't talk to them about our marital issues. You can be close to your parents and have a good marriage, but not if they are intrusive, nosey and bossy or pathetically manipulative.

    We'd like to move far away from where we live now, but our daughter is so close to both of her sets of grandparents, also they are very close to her in perspective to their other grandchildren. I am the only daughter of 5 children. The only one left and the only one they could trust to care for them when they are older. I will inherent their large estate of land, home, belongings, multiple cars and huge RV. I think of my brothers trying to handle their stuff (and boy do they have a lot of stuff!) and they would misuse and destroy them for their own gain.

    My parents mean a lot to me, but they couldn't if they made me and my husband feel obligated to having to cater to their every whim. Daughters and Mothers- strange strange adult relationships my friend.
     
  16. AlteredEgo

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    My husband's parents are what he calls "Puerto Rican supremacists". They did not approve of our courtship. His mother sent him phone numbers of "nice Puerto Rican girls" the whole time we were dating. His parents complained to him that I am ugly, and old. (I'm as attractive as most, and only four years older than he.) I saved his life once, and his parents told me tearfully that they were eternally grateful. They began treating me very kindly. Then he asked his father how he decided it was time to propose to his mother, and what kind of proposal it was, and they began dogging me again.

    Now we're married. My husband has always made it clear to them that he loves me, and values me as a good person, a beautiful woman, and a best friend. He always rejected their manipulation. He told them that they raised him to look inside people for goodness, and to hold onto that goodness when he's found it. He told them they raised him not to judge on skin color. (And he pissed them off by asking them if they were aware that his surname is actually Arabic in origin, not Spanish, and that they are likely descended from Moors. He followed that up by asking them about certain family members having trouble with relationships, the law, and their unruly children.) He understands that he can't change them, but doesn't want them to change him, or us.

    These days, his parents are very loving toward me, and consider me when we all have to make decisions as a family. They care about my feelings, and support my endeavors. I feel very good about this. However, the only thing I ever need from them, is that they love my children deeply, when I have some. My parents are dead, his are the only grandparents they'll get. I have never really cared too much how his parents feel about me, though I prefer we can love each other.

    I think your significant other just has to be strong in their convictions and commitment, and you have to have a very thick skin. My In-laws are thousands of miles away. Distance helps.
     
  17. kit_kat

    kit_kat New Member

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    You don't need this bullshit. Marriage is hard enough this will make it more difficult for you and result in divorce in oh two years max. Start with something easier. Break up, find another girlfriend. Rather, find someone who cares enough about you and about herself to train her parents.

    Is there something appealing to you in this situation about the fact that you two won't possibly be able to commit to each other fully?
    Is it attraction to what you can't have because you don't really want it or is it a self esteem problem? Regardless, don't waste your time, move on to someone else because you can and you're worth it. Besides in the big picture (beyond your life) for the sake of the survival of your own genes you should not promote the passing on of bigots' genes - which are her parents' genes. And another big picture issue - bigotry doesn't go away if you put up with it. Dump the chick, find another one, plenty of fish in the sea, also it's stupid to purposefully make a choice you know has a very low probability of yielding happiness. Do check that it's not low self esteem+fear of commitment otherwise your next relationship will just be another version of this one.
     
    #17 kit_kat, Jun 15, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2010
  18. FuzzyKen

    FuzzyKen New Member

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    The girl in question has already made her decision. She has according to the understanding I have of the OP is that she cannot be separated from her parents. She threw it over to the boyfriend and expects him to change their minds.

    Customs vary a great deal from country to country. There is way too much of which we are not aware here. Are the parents of a religion that would frown on a marriage of this nature. Was there an arranged marriage that was thrown in the trash can because of the daughters actions, and they are hoping to "save face" in some manner (with a child by this fellow this will be difficult if not impossible) but again we are trying to make a value judgment for or against one party or the other on very sketchy information.

    The child is probably the worst casualty in this whole thing.

    The idea when you get married is that you form your own "family unit" much like your own parents formed theirs and her parents did the same before procreating the species.
    This would be a horrific relationship if a marriage were to take place because we already have control issues here and because of the lack of information we don't know who the controlling parties are for certain. Is it the girl herself or is it her parents?

    The best advice I can give on this one is to give her the gift she wants most and that is her parents. If she is truly yours she will come back to you and realize that her love to you is what makes for a lasting relationship. If she does not do this my friend she was never yours to begin with, she still belonged to Mom and Dad.
     
  19. SpeedoMike

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    there are serious cultural differences according to a friend who wanted to marry a Turkish woman (she has green card). it became more and more obvious it wouldn't work out and when she found out he was Jewish, she freaked because her parents (living in Turkey) would disown her if she married. yet when she found a Turkish man and got pregnant within a couple of dates, her parents thought he was perfect. that ended in an abortion and my friend is happy he figured it out before he asked her to move in.
     
  20. D_Sparroe Spongecaques

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    My mother disowned me for marrying a Jamacian guy,she said they are all drug dealers,wife beaters,pimps etc etc....she ranted really horrific stuff saying i'd end up constantly visiting him in prison.

    He was and still is none of these things and a damn site better person than her.

    Weirdly enough she had a bi racial son herself:rolleyes:

    I must say Sbat,all the times i have been to Turkey i have never seen any that were caucasiain,same in the town where i live.

    Anyway,i hope it all works out for the both of you.
     
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