Communication early in dating - is it all guy's job?

bafflio

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After the third date, how's the communication supposed to go?

I am the guy and I asked her all three times. She has the idea that it's guy's job but I am pretty sensitive to interest from the other party;

I feel like since I asked her first three times she should at least give me a hint or something (e.g. text first?) if she wants to hang. What do you thin
 

Brisler

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I think you should decapitate a pig, remove its... Well, I think you know how it goes.

What I really think you should do is stop being so freakin' needy. Man up and chill out. You have made up all these assumptions about how dating should go, and they are all irrelevant. If you want to ask her out, then do so. If you don't want to because you constantly get butthurt because she breaks the imaginary rules of dating, then don't.

Things work themselves out if both parts want them to, but don't show her your cheap-ass pettiness, cause she will dump you then and there.
 

bafflio

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You missed the point of the question. I don't want to come across needy and hence the question. If I am dating a girl of course I want to be with her - that's not needy. Not being able to control that desire and making it show is being needy.
 

Brisler

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I'm glad to hear that you're keeping your neediness to the Internet, 'cause I can assure you that you absolutely do come off as needy. Don't act even in a remotely similar way in relation to her.

A quick check-up on your post history makes it clear that you are about as needy, cheap and petty as they get. Here's a quick run through of your posts:

- You are offended because she doesn't take initiative for you to have a third date.
- You are offended because she wouldn't take initiative, or blocked your initiatives, to take your relationship to the next level on the second date.
- You are offended because she doesn't text you as often as you do her.
- You used to be offended because this girl accepted your gifts without hesitation (oh my god...).
- You are offended that this other girl (?) doesn't text you back right away.
- You are offended that you had to pay for dinner on a date.
- You are offended that the girls aren't clear about their feelings (even though, apparently, they are).
- You are offended that the girl doesn't text you.
- You are offended that the girls aren't clear about their feelings (even though, apparently, they are).
- You are offended that the girl doesn't text you.
- You are offended that the girls aren't clear about their feelings (even though, apparently, they are).
- You are offended that the girl doesn't text you.

Jeeez... Get over it, already. Text her, call her, do whatever you have to do. If she wants to go out with you, she will say yes. But for God's sake, respect that not everyone is in a ridiculous hurry. If you want this to work, then put in the time and respect her words (you already know that she needs time), and if you can't do that, then it wasn't meant to be anyway...
 

bafflio

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I'm glad to hear that you're keeping your neediness to the Internet, 'cause I can assure you that you absolutely do come off as needy. Don't act even in a remotely similar way in relation to her.

A quick check-up on your post history makes it clear that you are about as needy, cheap and petty as they get. Here's a quick run through of your posts:

- You are offended because she doesn't take initiative for you to have a third date.
- You are offended because she wouldn't take initiative, or blocked your initiatives, to take your relationship to the next level on the second date.
- You are offended because she doesn't text you as often as you do her.
- You used to be offended because this girl accepted your gifts without hesitation (oh my god...).
- You are offended that this other girl (?) doesn't text you back right away.
- You are offended that you had to pay for dinner on a date.
- You are offended that the girls aren't clear about their feelings (even though, apparently, they are).
- You are offended that the girl doesn't text you.
- You are offended that the girls aren't clear about their feelings (even though, apparently, they are).
- You are offended that the girl doesn't text you.
- You are offended that the girls aren't clear about their feelings (even though, apparently, they are).
- You are offended that the girl doesn't text you.

Jeeez... Get over it, already. Text her, call her, do whatever you have to do. If she wants to go out with you, she will say yes. But for God's sake, respect that not everyone is in a ridiculous hurry. If you want this to work, then put in the time and respect her words (you already know that she needs time), and if you can't do that, then it wasn't meant to be anyway...

Whoever said I was offended? I can take time and respect her - but I just don't wanna get played. 'Nervous' would be the right word. I won't deny it.
 

bafflio

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Is this the same girl who wants to take things slowly?

Yes. I tried to hold her hands today and she didn't want to. Pfffsh I can just back up - it's just confusing when to push and when to back up. It's all about timing and I am bad at that. I can stop texting her till I get one - I asked the question here because where is the point if there is no mutual interest?

She did go out on a third date and we had a good time. But just sayin' - don't wanna be diggin an empty hole.
 

Serial Kisser

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Yes. I tried to hold her hands today and she didn't want to. Pfffsh I can just back up - it's just confusing when to push and when to back up. It's all about timing and I am bad at that.

I'd say it's more about reading her body language and less about timing. Honestly, if I was that girl and I had read your posts, I wouldn't date you.

You should just relax and go with the flow. Don't go into dating someone with expectations. It will just let you down in the end.
 
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Brisler

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Whoever said I was offended?

You are complaining that you have to do all the work, and you complain all the time. Perhaps offended isn't the right word, but I don't think other words I could come up with would be any more flattering.

These are the words of a guy who gets butthurt way too easily:

"I was planning on kissing her at the end but we had eaten and I had paid for the whole thing (which she didn't want me to but her credit card was not working) so I didn't feel like it."

When Serial Kisser says that it's about reading her body language, she's right of course, but even that is an understatement. The girl has told you straight up that she's not ready for a relationship - that she NEEDS TIME. I fail to see why that's so hard to understand...
 

bafflio

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You are complaining that you have to do all the work, and you complain all the time. Perhaps offended isn't the right word, but I don't think other words I could come up with would be any more flattering.

These are the words of a guy who gets butthurt way too easily:

"I was planning on kissing her at the end but we had eaten and I had paid for the whole thing (which she didn't want me to but her credit card was not working) so I didn't feel like it."

When Serial Kisser says that it's about reading her body language, she's right of course, but even that is an understatement. The girl has told you straight up that she's not ready for a relationship - that she NEEDS TIME. I fail to see why that's so hard to understand...

Oh this is a different girl. It's over with that girl. Bad assumption there.
 

Reddhott

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If she pulled back from handholding, I'd say that "going slow" is her polite way of not getting involved with you. She likes you. Doesn't want to hurt you, but doesn't like like you.

Take a step back. If she wants to contact you, she will.
 

FuzzyKen

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After the third date, how's the communication supposed to go?

I am the guy and I asked her all three times. She has the idea that it's guy's job but I am pretty sensitive to interest from the other party;

I feel like since I asked her first three times she should at least give me a hint or something (e.g. text first?) if she wants to hang. What do you thin

For any relationship to work, communication must be good in both directions. I would tend to question the future success of any relationship between yourself and this young lady. If communication is poor in the first stages of dating when people are trying to get acquainted, I can guarantee you that it is going to be crap even if this ever managed to evolve into anything resembling a real relationship.

When dates are completely indecisive and cannot make simple decisions it is simply because you are simply a "stepping stone" until something better comes along.

If after 3 dates there is no communication you need to go look elsewhere.
You are wasting your time and in all honesty this is not a relationship you want period.

The minute something else comes along you are going to be compared and who knows what the criteria will be. Quit wasting your time and simply move on.
 

Mercurygirl

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Yes. I tried to hold her hands today and she didn't want to. Pfffsh I can just back up - it's just confusing when to push and when to back up. It's all about timing and I am bad at that.

Gonna put this out there ... Holding hands at the beginning of a relationship is, em, weird and conjures up those terribly awkward feelings of a time gone by. Holding hands only works for me after I'm in an established relationship. Then it's romantic and we can hold hands all you want.

There's just something immature, even phony, about a new guy trying to hold my hand before we've even kissed. That somehow it's a required adolescent step toward something more mature.

Fuck, we're adults, I want a man not a boy. You want to make a move? Be a man and put your arms around me, pull me close, and kiss me. You're dating a grow women who wants to be treated like one. The time of going for ice cream with daddy is over. If she's interested in your advances she'll want your desire for her to be expressed in a more mature sensual manner. Granted she could shoot you down but if you're going to go for it do it like like a confident man who knows what he wants not like a shy man-child with a tween crush.
 

Call_Me_Daddy

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The time of going for ice cream with daddy is over. If she's interested in your advances she'll want your desire for her to be expressed in a more mature sensual manner. Granted she could shoot you down but if you're going to go for it do it like like a confident man who knows what he wants not like a shy man-child with a tween crush.

Verbal castration at it's finest.
 

DavidXL

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In the 2 big love relationships I have had, there was never a question of whether who should call or whether enough time had passed between a call or a date for the next one. In each of those relationships, we both knew from the get-go (ie, basically from day 1) that there was really strong mutual attraction and we each reached out whenever we wanted (which was usually multiple times a day) without the usual BS and questions.

In the middling-to-nowhere relationships I had, there was always the air of the types of questions you are raising. Those never lasted more than a few months.

I remember one summer in grad school when I was going out with this girl I really liked. Every time we went out, we had a good time. But, I was frustrated that I was the only one picking up the telephone to make contact. I resolved that I wouldn't see her again unless she called me, and I told a buddy about it who agreed. A few days later, I was so excited when I got back from lunch and on my desk was a message from "Christie." I called her immediately, and we made plans to go out the next night. I called my buddy to tell him the good news, and he was howling on the other end of the phone. It turns out he had called up in the worst falsetto voice and left the message with the receptionist saying he was "Christie." I ended up telling her about it, and after we both laughed, she said that her mother had always told her it wasn't proper for a girl to call a guy. We lasted a few more dates until it was time for me to move back for my last year of school, but we didn't stay in touch. In retrospect, if she was really into me, she would have picked up the phone.
 
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Reddhott

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Gonna put this out there ... Holding hands at the beginning of a relationship is, em, weird and conjures up those terribly awkward feelings of a time gone by. Holding hands only works for me after I'm in an established relationship. Then it's romantic and we can hold hands all you want.

There's just something immature, even phony, about a new guy trying to hold my hand before we've even kissed. That somehow it's a required adolescent step toward something more mature.

Fuck, we're adults, I want a man not a boy. You want to make a move? Be a man and put your arms around me, pull me close, and kiss me. You're dating a grow women who wants to be treated like one. The time of going for ice cream with daddy is over. If she's interested in your advances she'll want your desire for her to be expressed in a more mature sensual manner. Granted she could shoot you down but if you're going to go for it do it like like a confident man who knows what he wants not like a shy man-child with a tween crush.

Maybe. But she already shot that down with the "let's go slow" thing. Which is why I think she is not really all that interested at all.
 

Mercurygirl

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Maybe. But she already shot that down with the "let's go slow" thing. Which is why I think she is not really all that interested at all.

Funny enough I wrote and and then deleted my opinion of what I thought she really meant by "take it slow" in his other thread on this girl and just left a bit of condemnation over him asking her about what she thought of him (on their second date)? I felt I was giving him too much of a reality slap and eased off a bit. Personally, "take it slow" and don't hold my hand by the 3rd date reeks of not really interested but I don't want to hurt your feelings. She's playing a slow hand with the hopes her apathy wears him down and he goes away. I could be wrong but I've seen a lot of women play it out like this.

I don't think he realizes that many women have trouble dealing the rejection card (we do have hearts) and telling a guy to go away. Mostly because this is a person who likes you and hurting their feelings because you have no interest in a physical relationship is awkward and not something pleasant. More times than not it also means rejecting them as a friend because if you don't just make a clean break some guys see it as a possible open door for more later on. What ends up happening (and you learn this from experience) is you have this guy in your orbit who can't remain friends and from time to time will fuck up relationships with other men you are interested in romantically by being clingy and making jealous uncomfortable comments that can potentially drive another guy away.

This is also how some men become extremely bitter because they think you've led them on, are using them. Which of course can lead to destructive behavior, verbal confrontations, and in worse case scenarios even violence. But you know this, just trying to open the guy's eyes to what we see as females. I've found it's just always best to be open and honest and let the guy know you are clearly not interested so that you can both move on without any misconception. And for their part I hope men are as honest with me.

All I was saying with my 'if you're going to make a move make it like a man' was that regardless of what she may think, rejection or not, grow some balls and go for it like a confident emotionally mature adult male.
 
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bafflio

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Well I knew her for like two years - and back then she had a boyfriend so I didn't make a move. We kept in touch from time to time as friends - but when we were supposed to meet last April she bailed because she got sick - and I left it at that. Once before she was late for a hour hangout because she woke up late and made me wait for an hour - so I called it quits.

Then I met her in a gym recently and she started texting me and stuff. Then we decided to catch up and I expressed her my interest. Then on the second date I told her I wanted to be more than friends and she told me let's take it slow. I emphasized that I don't want to be friends and she does she needs to let me know.

She is the slow-style so I respect that. I think I get an idea how to do this. In the end if things were to work out I wouldn't have to work or worry so much.
 

bafflio

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Since I don't think I've gotten the answer I was looking for, I'll make the question more specific:

Since we hung out for the first time I was the one keep initiating the contacts and dates. Before the first date she was the one who chased me. Now I feel like I should wait till she initiates first.

I am not playing a game - I am just trying to do what's right. If she wouldn't bother initiating at this point it'd be probably correct to assume she isn't interested. That's the question I wanted to ask.