Completely smitten, but not ready... what to do?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by _Jonesy, Mar 27, 2011.

  1. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    For those that do not know me, this is a brief introduction to my story and why this post requires your advice.

    I was always a naive and innocent boy, who stupidly believed he would fall in love with a girl and it would all work out. But when I met this girl, she messed me about and tore my personality to shreds for 3 years. Yet, I've never had a gf. That is how bad she had me wrapped around her little finger.

    Anyway, I came out of this battle very mentally scarred only this Christmas. Search up my other threads for more details. Basically though, right now I am still recovering and doing much better. My head is clear and I am noticing girls I would have never noticed when I only thought about the other. Now, here is my problem... well... situation.

    I've met a girl. Rather, I know of a girl. Lol. No girl that I can remember have I ever felt such a huge immediate attraction to. I think she is beautiful, and her outward signals make her seem like such a nice genuine person (trust me I can see them a mile off where I come from).

    She is in one of my lectures. Just after Christmas I started having these lectures, I did notice her but I never noticed I liked her as I was still wrestling my other issues. But as the weeks have gone on I've realised I REALLY wish I could talk to her. I only see her once a week for an hour, and I cannot really talk to her at that time. Last week I really noticed her, I couldn't stop looking at her and I could only see the back of her head. Walking back I couldn't resist turning around because she was behind me, I think she noticed.

    Yet, even though she lives next to me, she follows me back from the lecture every Wednesday I cannot do it. I just have no self-confidence. It is a 2-way road imo and that is she either has a bf or she wouldn't like me. I've never had anyone care for me, and my self-confidence and spirit is in tatters. I can see the logic in saying, what's going to happen? Just talk to her. I cannot do that, it is not physically possible for me. I always wait for the right opportunity. If she sat next to me I might take the chance, but not walking home. Not unless she actually smiled at me to come over.

    Yet I do not know if I will see her again after the next 2 weeks. We only have 2 more weeks of lectures left, then I could never see her again.

    I believe in pre-set paths, but I would do anything to find out she actually liked me. It is quite bizarre how strong this attraction is when I have never spoken to her as well.

    Any advice? Don't just tell me to go for it either, it really wouldn't happen. I just needed to air this frustration.
     
    #1 _Jonesy, Mar 27, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2011
  2. D_Likima_Taint

    D_Likima_Taint Account Disabled

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    Honestly, Jonesy,

    I'm assuming you know her pretty well at this point. So you should know her body language somewhat.

    Look for the eye contact, and the pretty smile that you're attracted to. Watch where her eyes go. Does she let go after you do when y'all hug each other?
     
  3. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Huh? He doesn't hug her - he can't even talk to her!

    Jonesy, I'll write a proper reply to you after I've had a nap. Too sleepy right now.
     
  4. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    Thanks subby :)

    It's quite a weird situation, and I know pretty well all I need to do is speak to her. It's just like... a mental/physical block. I'm more likely for my penis to grow 5 inches overnight than talk to her first :L
     
  5. nzsomebody

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    I know the plight you're going through. Been there myself in the past. For some of us, the fear of rejection is strong and while it may seem like nothing to many, it's worth doing anything to avoid for some of us even when it's clearly at our disadvantage.

    In the end, she came up to me and things went from there. I quickly learnt how silly I was being and from her perspective, how uninterested in her I appeared. I guess in the end she figured out what was going on and made a move, however I don't recommend hoping for the same.

    Since then, I've managed to overcome the fear of rejection. I kinda try and put away the thoughts of attraction to start with and focus on actually talking to the girl in a way that you might talk to anyone the street as that takes away alot of the pressure. It's going to be really hard to do the first time and you're probably going to screw up what you're trying to say to her, but you do really need to do it. Just make conversation about the subject of the lecture. It doesn't need to be a massive speech the first time, just something to break the ice. Once you can do this, you'll likely find that it's pretty easy from here or at least, I do. Maybe during your second conversation, see if she wants to meet up at the school cafe for something to eat or drink after the lecture.
     
  6. diesel_82

    diesel_82 New Member

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    I can sympathise with you man. I'm one of the most inwardly shy people around, I pretty much don't talk to people I dont know, period. But - someone pointed out to me recently that you very rarely regret the things you DO - it's the things you DON'T do that you come to regret. Also - if this girl turns you down - she's not worth your affections in the first place, is she!
     
  7. diesel_82

    diesel_82 New Member

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    Oh and also - she'd be a right dinkus to turn you down - you're a stunner, and you seem to be incredibly sweet too (said in a very non-threatening, non trying-to-get-in-your-pants way)
     
  8. Gillette

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    Jonesy, I think you've already put too much pressure on yourself over this girl. The way you describe her it seems like she's become your new everything, and that's a recipe for a new obsession and another trip on the merry-go-round you just got off of.

    Your best bet for finding genuine and healthy love is to speak casually with someone you are attracted to before they reach this level of importance to you so that you won't feel paralyzed about contact when you realize your feelings are more than just like.

    With this particular girl you're past that point but it's still worth a try. Ask her something related to the lectures the next time you're both walking home after class.
     
  9. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    This has crossed my mind. Although I am somebody who learns from his mistakes, this girl does seem different. The way I composed my post is more due to frustration at my inability, rather than some form of kindling obsession. If I spoke to her, I would be in control but she seems different, like I could feel comfortable and myself around her. This is a rare thing for somebody who has lost his trust in most women.

    I was about to say I have an intuition towards girls, with the last 2 major 'feelings' like this turning out to be pretty big figures in my life, but then I remembered neither of them went well :p

    Third time lucky? I'd have to talk to her first. But I wouldn't be as... ignorant this time.

    Boy don't I know that! However...


    This. It isn't the rejection itself that would worry me, it is my self-confidence. It is still very shakey and the last thing I'd need would be for that to happen!

    The part about them assuming I don't like them because I appear so stand-off-ish I have also noticed. I should really just talk to them, get to know them rather than avoiding their gaze etc. Like you say, maybe they are more interested than they appear.

    It is the BF part that annoys me most. If I know she is single I would probably have enough to know I wouldn't make an arse of myself. If I knew she liked me, it would be like I am a totally different type of person confidence wise - probably because I'd feel I could be in control of the situation. I hate not knowing what is going on most of all.
     
  10. monel

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    There is not much advise that you can be given since you already know what you must do. You need to speak to her. I don't mean to minimize the difficulty that you have in doing this but in the end, you do know that is what must be done. I might suggest that rather than approach her as you would a prospective "date" talk to her about something completely platonic. She is your lecturer so you should be able to develop - rehearse even - a conversation piece that will break the ice. Doing this will make you more comfortable speaking with her, mitigate the possibility of rejection and, if you're observant, give you clues as what, if any, feelings she might have for you. Good luck.
     
  11. D_Kitten_Kaboodle

    D_Kitten_Kaboodle Account Disabled

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    I have watched a relationship where self-confidence went from 10 to 0 (it was the female who was shattered by a guy.) The most confident person I know felt totally worthless during and after this relationship. Your post is not about the girl...it is about you and how you can build your self-confidence.

    My advice to you is to "find yourself" before entering any relationship. This means doing some tough interal reflections...your self-confidence is low b/c you haven't identified or recognized all the positve values you have to contribute to a relationship. I have only interacted with you a few times here, but I find you to be a genuinely nice guy that has a lot to offer.

    You are witty, charming and am sure you can be a really fun date.
    That is just a start. You have a lot more than just good looks going on (and yes, you def have to looks too).

    So, about this girl...or any girl... You say you can't find the words to say (or lack the courage to speak first at this time). Have you ever considered getting a funny little 'nothing' card that might help you break the ice with her. Be sure to include your name and phone number and just let her know you think she seems like a nice girl and you'd like a chance to get to know her better. (could you drop it in her lap? or on her seat before she comes into the lecture?)

    Have you thought she may just be thinking to herself that she'd like to get to know you better, but you must not think the same, or you'd speak to her when you turn to look at her?

    Courage and self-esteem....If you believe in pre-set paths, those paths have Y's in them for a reason. It's up to you to select the right direction. :D

    Good luck, Jonesy, in finding your self-worth and the right girl. When you find someone that can love you for who you are (all the good and bad)...you'll be surprised at what that can do for your confidence level!

    Fancy ~
     
  12. helgaleena

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    Think around your block. Do some advance planning, write her a note, and hand it to her. Then you will have made your move, and the next move is up to her.

    You understandably fear being hurt again. You do not yet trust your own instincts and judgment. Try also just enjoying her smiles from where you now are, without pressure to get closer. Next time she smiles at you, bask in it without thinking you 'ought' to do anything more than simply enjoy the moment as far as it goes. Consider her smile at you like a dropped handkerchief. Tuck it into your breast pocket and go about your day with a smile of your own.

    You don't have to do anything more. All else is optional.
     
  13. Mogluver

    Mogluver Member

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    Perhaps you have not rebounded at this point.... the worst thing one can do is step into another relationship with out coming to terms with self. I had thought I'd worked through the scars of a past relationship, only to find out that I was in a more difficult spot, as a result, to be dumped on in the end. Good luck and let us know how you do, we're pulling for you!
     
  14. D_ewjjde

    D_ewjjde New Member

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    If she's in your lecture and they are anything like classes here in the States, just ask to see her notes. Tell her you had a late night the night before and didn't really pay attention as well as you would have liked. If she walks back from the class in the same direction you do, you can do this naturally and effortlessly.

    This gives you an opportunity to at least find out her name and introduce yourself. If you really wanted to be bold, you can assuage any "fears" she might have of letting her notes go to a stranger by offering to buy her a cup of coffee or lunch or a drink while you copy them. This would be ideal because you could actually strike up a real conversation and see how well you hit it off.

    This is what I've done in the past anyway, good luck!
     
  15. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    Sort of bottled it, I guess. I was busy talking to my friend about a module so I lost her on the way out and she got too far ahead. Doubt I'd have managed though, and she always rushes off on her own. I do wonder what course she is in sometimes!

    To be fair I have accepted she will not be the last. I'll probably meet someone down the line at some point, I'm not in a hurry.
     
  16. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

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    Great post!..can't say it better other than to add this:

    'Good luck, Jonesy, in finding your self-worth and the right girl. When you find someone that can love you for who you are (all the good and bad)...you'll be surprised at what that can do for your confidence level!'

    That person you are looking for is YOU!..Now think about that one..

    hugs! MJ
     
  17. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Several days later . . . Okay, so I win the bad friend award this week :redface:. My apologies I didn't reply sooner. I've spent the week torn between uni assignments and supporting RL friends through a crisis or two.

    So, you have one lecture left with this girl, right? I think you need to make a move, nerves or no nerves. I really like the idea of writing her a note, as someone suggested earlier. Then if the worst happens and she DOES reject you, she won't see your response when it happens. It also means that you don't have to think of anything to say on the spot. Just make sure you remember to put your contact details on there so she knows how to get in touch with you. Don't rely on her being in future classes with you! She just might not be. I have faith that you can do this :smile:.
     
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