Concerns for My Life & Daughter

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Wilde316, Jul 23, 2006.

  1. Wilde316

    Wilde316 Member

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    A while back I posted a thread about my daughter and I and concerns I had when it came to us sharing a bath together, most people posted highly intelligent replies, some not so much, but still I appreciated the response.

    Now I am posting a thread and the situation is again based around my daughter. I love my little girl very much, her mother and I seperated because of her severe emotional issues, at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. No matter what I did for the woman I was always bitched at or fought with over the slightest detail. Her spending habits drove my credit rating and my finances into the ground, basically I was being abused. I know that it seems to be overly sensitive but I left because I couldn't stand the constant emotional abuse, for a man to make such a decision might seem weak but it was coming very close to the point where drastic measures might have been taken.

    10 months have passed since my daughter was born and she amazes me every day, I never thought I could have as much love for someone as I do for her. Her mother and I have now attempted to persue a fresh start on our relationship not only for our daughter but because it feels like maybe we jumped the gun. She is a great mother and generally a caring spouse, however I worry. Since we split before I had quite a few random sexual partners, all safe and all quite enjoyable, My gf I believe had at least one partner but it seems to have been more of a one night stand. this does not worry me nor am I intimidated at all. In fact the first time we had sex she made it quite clear that she "missed the big stick". My problem is that she is extremily jealous of the partners I had not only in the last 10 months but in the last 13 years of my life, even partners I have become friends with seem to cause her to be jealous and bitchy.

    The problem is that this really hurts our relationship, and makes me have doubts, I dont think I should stay with her just for my daughter but at times her jealousy gets too out of hand, I was a whore before, but not now, I never cheated on her or any of my ex's but she seems to think I might. So what do you all think should I just give up and do my best to have a proper relationship with my daughter without being with her mother, or am I being too quick at cutting the relationship short.

    Wilde "who is feeling mildly thoughtful tonight"
     
  2. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Oh, buddy. I am glad to hear you are giving it the Second Chance with the mother of your child.

    Unfortunetly, jealousy is a very real issue in relationships. I am not very sure what you can do, but I suppose the best thing I can suggest, is for you to just keep being true to her, and supporting her.

    Try NOT to talk about the past, and maybe the mother will just realize that she is more important to you, than your past lovers.

    good luck, others will have better info than I..
     
  3. danglybanger

    danglybanger New Member

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    I'm 21. I don't think I have experience to answer deep questions like that. But I think I can feel for you.

    Sounds like you're a great dad ;) I hope I can be a good dad someday. It's actually one of the only things I really hope for.

    Slade
     
  4. Lordpendragon

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    If what you say is true, then you are a victim of domestic abuse.

    There are many more male victims than is commonly thought and your GF shows some of the classic signs of an abuser.

    I strongly suggest that you seek proper advice and counselling from support groups in your country.

    I can not tell how abusive your GF is, but there is a limit for everyone that means if you are at your limit, you should get out of it for your and your daughter's sake.
     
  5. D_Sheffield Thongbynder

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    I second what Lordpendragon said. Time for a fresh start and a better life without that crippling emotional presence. Your child will be better off in a home with one loving parent. I know a few single dads who provide nurturing, healthy environments and get along just fine themselves.
     
  6. Dr Rock

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    she's a psycho. kick that bitch to the kerb
     
  7. Lordpendragon

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    Dr. Rock does my precis work.
     
  8. dreamer20

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    Wilde it was not weak for you to seperate over those issues that the two of you have. It is better for you to make a break now to stop the abuse, put your finances in order and get away from that insecure, jealous woman. Will she be a great mother? Who knows. But from what you have said she was never a great spouse. Your claiming that she is a "caring spouse" is a glaring contradiction. The flames of discord are flaring up again. Have a relationship with your daughter by all means but her mom will have to seek some other man.
     
  9. B_Spladle

    B_Spladle New Member

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    qft
     
  10. SurferGirlCA

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    She has severe emotional issues, wrecked your finances, and constantly abused you emotionally, and now that you're back together she wants to spend time drawing you out about every woman you've been with other than her? Any one of these should be a flashing red light about trouble ahead.

    A guy (or gal) who cuts and runs the first time they don't get their way in a relationship is "weak". If you've made the effort and things aren't getting any better, you need to decide what is best for you AND your daughter. The sad fact is sometimes two people are not meant to be together. In those cases, staying together for the sake of the children isn't necessarily in any one's best interest; sometimes it's the worst thing for the child, actually.

    Wilde316, just remember you're entitled to the possibility of happiness, too.
     
  11. Countryguy63

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    Hi Wilde,

    Nice to hear from you again. My hesitance from giving you advice stems from possibly convincing someone to make the wrong decision, but that said....

    I think that I told you that I just went through a very nasty divorce. Was married for 12 years. The last seven years, I scheduled countless sessions with different marriage counselors, as every year she wanted a divorce. I allowed myself to be mentally and emotionally abused more than I care to admit. Sad part is, I didn't see that I was being abused until I finally had enough. I loved her deeply for the first few years, and continued to hold onto that, hoping to get the same in return. I too thought I was doing the best for my daughters by trying to save the marriage. Truth be told, I probably accomplished the opposite. I provided an atmosphere that gave the impression that no matter how you are treated, you suck it up and take it. I realize now, that is the last thing that I want my daughters to be conditioned to. I neither want them to treat someone like their mother treated me, nor do I want them to allow someone to treat them in such a manner. Please understand that even at a very young age, children see more than we give them credit for.
    Please strongly consider this, and try to step back and look at the entire relationship. In my opinion, from your description, she is not wanting a "fresh" start, but she is still holding on to old methods of control.

    Good Luck Bud, and I sincerely wish you all the best!
     
  12. TrzrHunter

    TrzrHunter New Member

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    Alas, I can say from long experience that our friends have given you good advice. She is indeed abusive and you are unlikely to be able to change her. Much therapy, expense and heartache could improve matters but there is no g'tee. Your child is your child and your rights and duties should not compromised. Invest in legal counsel on this matter as parenting, which you evidently hold highly, will be the most important commitment your will ever make....and its a tough assignment with or without the bitch gnawing at your soul. You sound to be a very compassionate and loving person - even to your child's mother - and you must never doubt that because when the inevitable shit hits the fan again, and it will, you are going to need all your strength.
    Sorry to sound like General Patten on the subject but, as mentioned, I've been thru very similar circumsatnces and it truly tested my character.
    Best of luck.
     
  13. IsTHATReal

    IsTHATReal New Member

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    Well I am sorry I missed you other thread... but I think I can add to the conversation in both situations.

    One - on the bath thing - I would say nothing wrong with it, but given the situation of different anatomy and your daughter's well being, not to mention the social issues that could come into it - I suggest this, wear a swimsuit... some briefs. One is covers your manhood and your daughter will not be introduced to the difference in men and women other then what she would normally see on a beach or at the pool (I am pretty sure that most kids "know" there is a difference right off, I know I did, and all my friends did as well, but there comes a time and a place for everything - which I think is later on when we were ready for the full truth. Two it will also cover you "ass" if someone should decide to make an "issue" or accuse you of something that ends most people's lives and careers with about as much consideration as a salem witchhunt these days... you don't want to end up on a list... so, if you do the above... anyone who makes a fuss would look pretty stupid saying your mal-adjusted if you could say... um, I wear a swimsuit during this...idiot (to whichi I think the only response could be that they slink off somewhere and die).

    Ok on the G/F, sounds like she has major insecurities about relationships. I have noted that many men in relationships tend to underetimate the amount of stress and angst this creates in a woman that suffers from it.

    You may never be able to reassure her about your feelings and her worth, but if you are willing, and this is the issue, it's going to mean you will have to put a great deal of care and thought into what you do and say and how it would effect her own self-view. I will say it's not easy, my last serious had a very similar issue... so much that after three years I felt like a prisoner in my own life drama/soap... it just became too much to deal with (all the same issues) and we ended up no longer talking... thankfull there was nothing to keep use in contact.

    You are going to have to figure out what you want out of this, and also what you can live with I think in a similar way... I would say your best bet is this...

    One "both" of you go get tested and share the results as a couple (not separate, but together) this will start you off on a clear path... and then both of you go see a professional about your relationship... and see what that looks like... be it clergy or whatnot.

    I think that the two things will show your both commited to a safe long-lasting attempt at being a couple, and you will get a plan on how to make that happen as well from the experience as well as the shared knowledge of the others level of commitment.

    If you or her don't feel you have it in you to take these steps, I would say down the line it's not going to work... because more then anything your going to have to have trust (which will help her insecurity) and a bag of coping tools that will come from learning how to be supportive to each other as well as a long term plan to make a home for yourselves and more so your child.

    Good luck... I wish you the best.
     
  14. Multipass

    Multipass New Member

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    You don't choose who you are attracted to in life, it sucks. BUT YOU STILL HAVE A BRAIN! Use it man.

    People are messed up, I'd say 9/10 women (and men too) have severe emotional issues that will plague them, and their partners for the rest of their lives.

    I know you got a tougher situation than most, but it's no reason to do something stupid. Your daughter will not like having a mom that is constantly accusing her father of stuff, and constantly toying with his emotions. What kind of a woman will she grow up to be if this is how she is raised?

    Find someone that's not crazy, you're daughter will like her and you'll all be happy.
     
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