Confessions of a Gay Teenage Mind

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by rangisrovus19, Feb 17, 2006.

  1. rangisrovus19

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    We all know that being a teenager is one of the best times of your life. I just finished my first semester of college and I'm working on the second. I live in a dorm and I have a single room (6 out of the 8 guys on my floor have a single room). I've been getting to know the guy who lives across from me a lot this semester and it seems we are bonding very quickly. He is straight, and I am unopenly gay - only my close friends know.

    anyway, he is a great guy. he's skinny (we are about the same size), but very well toned because he does crazy shit on his bike and skateboard. Very attractive as well... very attractive. He is 100% straight, and I fear to tell him I am gay. I know he doesn't mind homosexuals, but I have a gut feeling he would act differently around me if i told him. and here's the shitty part-

    i am falling for him.

    i can't stop thinking about how great it would be if we somehow were together. he would be perfect, i know it. I am having such a hard time with this because this isn't the first time this has happened. A few years ago I met this guy and we became best friends, and I wanted him to be gay so badly. He knew I was gay, but didn't want to have anything to do with it. Eventually, we ending up despising each other over time.

    I don't want this to happen again. It's the worst feeling in the world. The feeling of being gay and knowing that society looks down upon you heavily, and when you find someone that is so special to you - you can't have them. It is impossible. And the thought of that lingers in your mind for days and days and reminds you that you're different... and most things will never work out. It kills me everyday.

    Sorry for the long message, if someone actually read this, please, please let me know what you think. Thanks.
     
  2. windtalkerways

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    Unrequited love between human beings is
    always painful, Rangirovus. I think most of
    us, straight, gay or bi have all been where
    you are.

    It's painful to care for someone from afar
    and know you can never have them. I'm
    sorry you are going through this angst for
    a second time.

    I guess if I have any advice...though it's
    only very weak...I would say, don't
    torture yourself over this guy you wish
    you could have...try to look for someone
    you know you can really connect with on
    an amorous level and remind yourself that
    you can have his friendship and that counts
    for something.
     
  3. Pappy

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    Rangirovus, try not to fall too hard for him and just let things develope naturally. Try to find out his views on homosexuality, is he just ok with it or is he really OK with it? Find out how he would be if a really good friend came out to him. I guess you should sort of play things by ear and just see what developes. Or just go for broke and ask.
    Wish I could be more help. I know I had a dilemma a month or so back. I caught my partner cheating and kicked him out. I had been eyeballing my FedEx guy for some time but wasn't sure which team he played on. So I mustered up all my nerve, and then some, and just straight up asked him. Turns out we play for the same team and have been seeing each other for a couple of weeks now.
     
  4. GoneA

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    Rangis (i can call you rangis, right?) the optimal submission i can offer is the advice i always advocate: err on the side of caution. if you are homosexual and attracted to your heterosexual neighbor/friend, then it would behoove you to respect that boundary. frankly, if you attempt to pursue him, i really can not foresee any continuous healthy relationship between the two of you. he may be physically appealing and you may find that you both share many of the same characteristics, but you must think about the future and if you are ready to potentially make this type of sacrifice; if you don’t i fear there may be no ‘future’ to think about – that is, if this whole scenario turns out to be a sacrifice. correct me if i’m wrong, but i can gather from your post that your mind has already manifested illusions of the both of you together, contentedly. unfortunately, it is not uncommon for our emotions to conjure up beliefs and sentiments that our better judgment would otherwise deny. you say you have endured this once before [falling for a friend] – it does not sound like something you have completely put behind you. therefore, in short, continue to be friends and look for a ‘partner’ outside of the relationship you have with this guy.
     
  5. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    He is straight, and I am unopenly gay - only my close friends know.
    You're lucky to have such a good friend. Read on.
    He is 100% straight
    And you are gay so nothing will ever happen between you.
    and I fear to tell him I am gay. I know he doesn't mind homosexuals
    If he's your good friend and doesn't mind homosexuals, tell him. He'll respect you more. Chances are he may know anyway.
    i am falling for him.
    For God sakes, whatever you do...DON'T TELL HIM!
    i can't stop thinking about how great it would be if we somehow were together.
    The best this can get is you and your dildo late at night.
    he would be perfect, i know it.
    Perfect for the woman of his dreams when he finds her or ms wrong or whatever WOMAN he whoops it up with on the way.
    I am having such a hard time with this because this isn't the first time this has happened. A few years ago I met this guy and we became best friends, and I wanted him to be gay so badly. He knew I was gay, but didn't want to have anything to do with it. Eventually, we ending up despising each other over time.
    Dude, do you want this to happen AGAIN? It's called doing the same thing and expecting different results.
    I don't want this to happen again.
    Then enjoy his friendship and say nothing.
    It's the worst feeling in the world. The feeling of being gay and knowing that society looks down upon you heavily
    Much less than you think, my friend.
    and when you find someone that is so special to you - you can't have them. It is impossible.
    Yes, impossible.
    And the thought of that lingers in your mind for days and days and reminds you that you're different... and most things will never work out. It kills me everyday.
    10% (or therabouts) of the guys in your dorm are gay and most of them feel exactly the way you do.
    Sorry for the long message, if someone actually read this, please, please let me know what you think. Thanks.

    I came down on you a little harsh for a reason. I've seen this happen so many times before in real life, as a train wreck in slow motion. You're not the only gay guy in the world. You're not the only one in your town, your school or your dorm. When I was 18 I felt like you. I was TERRIFIED. I never hopped the fence and (mostly) slept with men until I was 22.

    OK, I have some suggestions: First about your friend...not only is he a friend and "100% Heterosexual" but he lives across the hall from you. If you cave into confession about your undying lust for him, the rest of your time there will be very uncomfortable. You've gone through this before. To do it again is just stupid and you don't have to. If you can't stop obsessing, spend less time with him.

    Now about your loneliness: Unless you go to school at a tiny campus in the middle of nowhere, your school has a Gay and Lesbian Assn, group or something. Also, any town that is decent sized or up has a Gay and Lesbian Center. They usually have groups for younger people like yourself. You can also do as many of us, chat it up with some gay guys in your area.

    You sound lonely. No reason to be. You need to connect with gay guys your own age and believe me, they're out there. Right under your nose.

    Good luck my friend.

    P.S.-I know it's Oklahoma.
     
  6. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    The FedEx guy? Way to bounce back Pappy!!!!
     
  7. Pappy

    Pappy Member

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    Yep the FedEx guy and they really DO DELIVER!! ON TIME, EVERY TIME!
     
  8. windtalkerways

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    Woohooo!

    Good for you! Glad to hear you took
    the bull by the horn(s)...um...so to
    speak.:tongue:
     
  9. Matthew

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    Rangis, I echo what others have said here. I was in a life very much like yours when I was 19, and I made several mistakes falling for straight guys. I now wish I could 'do-over' some important friendships, and I hope some of our words can save you that heartache. The hardest part for me was that I was around straight people all the time and all of my friends were straight -- I think it's hard to avoid being attracted to some of the people that surround you everyday. So don't blame yourself, but the responses saying 'don't pursue it' are right. I think you should take Sorcerer's advice to seek out organizations or places gay folks hang out. There's almost always places in college towns, and even in small towns there's usually somewhere. Even if you don't meet the right guy for you right away, the network you develop will eventually lead you to him. Good luck!
     
  10. Freddie53

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    Straight, bi or gay world doesn't change the fact sometimes the person we love is not available for some reason. Being gay makes it tougher in that it is harder to know who you can approach and who you can't. But the pain of seeing someone that you can't have happens in the striaght world all the time.

    And getting over it isn't simple at all. Our emotoins don't follow our intellect. Your mind knows to leave this guy alone. Your emotions say go for broke. You have to follow your mind on this one.

    I agree with everyone else, you have to let your feelings for this guy go. It will be dificuilt. But you can do it. More people than not have done it.
     
  11. southPA50

    southPA50 New Member

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    ^^ Echoing what was posted before.

    Think with the big head.
     
  12. rangisrovus19

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    Thanks guys. I've read your responses and it has given me a lot to think about. I think I will keep quiet for awhile and see what happens. I would hate to pull the wrong move, thinking it was the right one. It will be hard, but I will follow my instincts and think about what could happen in each situation. You guys are great.
     
  13. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    Feel free to hang out here. We can talk about something else, honest!
     
  14. rangisrovus19

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    So, I'll be honest. Normally, I masturbate once a day. But since I've become closer to this friend of mine, it's almost been a week. I haven't been able to become aroused - and it's hard for me not to. Has anything familiar happened to any of you guys?
     
  15. davidjh7

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    Sounds like the stress over this friend, and your feelings, and frustration are keeping you "down". THis is normal, even for young guys. If you are unhappy and down over something, jacking off is more work than it is fun. Don;t sweat it--don;t worry about it. Just try and resolve some of your feelings, and in the meantime, find something hot to fantasize about. Your stick still works, just needs the right inspiration :smile:
     
  16. madame_zora

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    You've gotten some great advice, but I especially liked Sorcerer's post. Thinking through our actions is a mark of maturity, and while it feels good to follow our impulses, it rarely yeilds positive results.

    Being gay in a rural town is not the easiest thing, but you will complicate it manyfold if you do not early on develop the ability to regulate your sexual attractions. Case in point, no one likes "fag hags" who actually expect gay men to sleep with them, thinking they just haven't found the right woman- UGH! Well, no one will appreciate a "straight hag" either. You simply MUST respect other people's orientation, just as you wish for them to respect yours. This will allow you to benefit more fully from your friendships with straight men, because in YOUR mind, you will know that sex is NOT an option. You will find that some straight guys will be your very good friends despite your differences, as long as you don't make them feel uncomfortable about being with you.

    You are very young, and even when you've had more experience, you may still find yourself developing a "crush" on some straight guy who really seems like something special to you. Allow yourself the joy of feeling a connection to another human being without imposing on them in a manner they would not find appealing- in other words, keep it to yourself. We don't always HAVE to express every thought we have.

    I wish you the very best, I hope you stay.
     
  17. Chinese 9x6

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    Same thing happens to me 13 yrs ago... guess what....he is my life partner for the last 12 yrs....
     
  18. GoneA

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    you've really highlighted the bitter-sweet nature of this topic :cool:. there's such a fine line we're dealing with when one is attempting to pursue a friend (whether it's a homosexual pursuit or otherwise). it's great that you were able to find a life partner and i really am happy. however, i just wouldn't recommend this to anyone; to echo my previous sentiments: err on the side of caution.
     
  19. UniDude

    UniDude New Member

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    You're still here!!!!!!! Yea!!!!:smile:
     
  20. rawbone8

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    Rangisrovus19

    Here's something to contemplate.... some people fixate on an unobtainable object of their affection, and ache and torture themselves with hope, and basically take themselves out of the game without consciously realizing what they are doing. They feel almost victimized by fate and lose interest in the very real and available opportunities that abound around them.

    You seem to know that your friend is straight. He is very hot and you can't keep him off your mind. You hold hope that he might be bi or gay and could fulfill your dream of being your ideal partner. Ask yourself how realistic that is. Is it your imagination? Ask yourself whether it's worth the risk to find out and be disappointed or for it to go terribly wrong and discover you lose a friend. The up side might be that he is closeted and ready to be out. And with you. That's a lot to expect.

    It should be fine to tell him you are gay. It might be possible to develop a friendship, but not a deep one unless it's based on honesty. There's the dilemma. To go farther and tell him of your attraction is taking a risk which no one can foresee an outcome. It might be very unsatisfactory.

    Being a generally nice guy and friendly with gays has led some guys to take the chance of approaching me when I was younger and single, and I usually took it as a compliment (unexpected to be sure), but it did make me feel uncomfortable. I was clear telling them that I was not interested. If I was still pursued by someone I had declined, I would get creeped out and avoid them.

    Other straight guys I grew up with were quite homophobic and would, at the least, have gotten verbally aggressive, many more would have started a fight or such.

    Take care and look at a direction that is going to bring you some great experiences in the sexual realm and possibly the romance realm. College years are the best time to not be serious and pursue experimentation.

    And be honest with yourself. Are you pursuing something hopeless to take yourself out of the game?
     
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